Aibu or am I a horrible DW

[Smidwifes]

Background:
Me and DH have two DCs.

A few years ago me and DH had a huge row about cleaning,hovering and cleaning the oven (to be clear, the arguement was him telling me to do these thinfs), he is VERY clean to an obsessive point.

This row happened to have happened, the night before DDs birthday party. At DD1's party the next day me and DH weren't talking still and things were awkward. My some major bad coincidence one of my friends bought my DD a mini mop and bucket. shortly afterward, I pulled said friend aside and said something along the lines of what a topical present to buy DD as me and DH have had a huge row about cleaning etc etc.....

Fast forward a shirt while later said friend was playing with the mop and bucket and made a silly remark indirectly through DD saying "go and clean the floors DD help your mummy out snigger"

It was wrong. She was being a clown, maybe she thought DH was too stupid to work out what had happened and it REALLY got DHs back up.

He absolutely fucking hates her guts now.

She's not welcome in our house so I can't invite her to anything I host now

Fast forward again a few years when we had DD2, she was a couple of weeks old and I wanted said friend to meet her, but knowing DH hates her I asked if he would mind popping out for an hour so she could come over, he werent over the moon about it but be went to his DMs with DD1 and came back an hour or two later.

Fast forward again to now: DH is due to work late Saturday night, will be out of the house 1800-0000. So I decided to invite said friend over and another one of our friends for a takeaway. Knowing it's he only opportunity I can have her in the house.

Today it transpires that his shift is cancelled and I told him I had invited said friend over for a takeaway... We had a bit of an argument about it but waited until kids were in bed this evening. He's basically saying now that she's not even allowed to come into the house when he's not there.

He's really digging his heels in about it. He's been quite nasty and angry about it all saying he will chuck her out if she's ever here. But my point is he wouldn't be here. I've said to him.i will cancel her coming round tomorrow as his shift is cancelled but wanted to clear the air about anything in future. I.e. in 10 years time when the DDs are older and I wanted a girly dinner party with my friends if DH is on a late/night shift, I now basically am not allowed to invite said friend round. I can invite all the others just not her.

Aibu to argue the point that I should be able to invite whoever I want in the house if he's not there ? Or am I being selfish and not sticking up for DH?

If you've got this far congratulations 😂

AlternativePerspective

"People on here are very quick to shout that you’re being abused, but tbh if my DP had a friend who actively went out of his way to goad me after an argument with DP I wouldn’t want anything to do with him either. And I would be questioning how my DP could stay friends with someone who took the piss out of me in that way."

You're right, and in a healthy marriage this would be entirely understandable.

But the central point here is that the DH is completely unreasonable in his approach to domestic roles and cleaning and basically uses it as a way to control the OP. The friend has identified this and her behaviour was sending him a warning shot that she was onto him, because she cares about the OP. She didn't do it in an elegant tactful way but but she is right to signal that she has the OP's back.

The fact that the DH is still nursing a grudge about this several years down the line and using it as another lever of control suggests he does not have the OP's best interests at heart. His reaction is not borne out of hurt feelings but a fear driven by the fact that this friend is onto the fact that he is abusive and controlling.

OP, the only relevant issue you need to think about is that your husband makes you feel

SCARED if you don’t comply with his wishes.

That is controlling abusive behaviour, right there.

You are a young well educated woman who is capable of achieving great things and living a full and happy life, without anyone else’s permission.

Your husband should be the one you turn to who makes you feel safe and secure at all times.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t accept that as my lot in life. You deserve better.

My dh would be miffed if my friend made a crack about something we had argued about, but to still be upset about it years later, still hate her and bar her from the house is ridiculous and says a lot about the sort of man he is. That fact that he has you thinking you are in the wrong speaks volumes about him. He is controlling, and really not very nice.

Basically he knows he’s a cunt about cleaning and he knows he behaved like a cunt that day so when your friend made a joke he was embarrassed that she knew what a cunt he was and so he threw all of his toys out of the pram and is now being controlling and abusive.

@Sanpro

Basically he knows he’s a cunt about cleaning and he knows he behaved like a cunt that day so when your friend made a joke he was embarrassed that she knew what a cunt he was and so he threw all of his toys out of the pram and is now being controlling and abusive.

This. In a nutshell.

He's been busted and he knows it.

@PerveenMistry

You're right about how it will be for the OP's DD if the OP stays with her DH. My F was very similar in his treatment of my DM, and he was the same with my DSis and me (less so with my DB).

Okay, my F also sexually abused us, but the controlling behaviour and gaslighting were equally damaging. It became our normal, and we didn't see it as abuse. I didn't get it until my DH and I adopted our DDs and I witnessed his relationship with our DDs, as well as the way my BILs were with their DC.

There is an element of coercive control I think as OP now cleans to his standard. It wasn't bad enough that she didn't have another baby with him, so I'm a bit on the fence. The DH says the friend had made similar snarky comments previously and there may be elements the OP doesn't know about regarding this friend trying to cause trouble.

Feeling that she has to clean to a higher standard than otherwise, would really get to me. I'm sure her standards are high enough considering 2 kids but she needs to confront her DH and it has to stop. DH used to criticise me, and my standards (mostly decorating) but never decorated himself. His brother told me to tell him, if he didn't like it to do it himself, worked a treat and I never get criticised now.

if my DP had a friend who actively went out of his way to goad me after an argument with DP I wouldn’t want anything to do with him either. And I would be questioning how my DP could stay friends with someone who took the piss out of me in that way.

Where did it say she went out of her way to goad DH? It sounds like she made one ill judged remark. I can't imagine expecting my husband to cut off a friend because they made a bad joke at the wrong time. That would be insanely self absorbed and narcisstic.

Your daughters are going to grow up thinking it's ok for men to control and berate them and tell them who they can and can't be friends with.

Is that what you really want for them?

So it's calmed down this morning... But obviously we still haven't reached a conclusion

Do I just have to accept that he's not going to allow her in the home when he's not there, but just go ahead and do it anyway!, When he's not there? As I'm never going to get his blessing on it..

I'm totally okay with him never seeing her again I couldn't give a rat's arse, and wouldn't ever organise something where they are in the same rolm. but I would like lifetime freedom to see her in my home when he's not there.... Not a lifetime ban that's going to come up again and again ....

What would worry me tbh is not when or where you can see this particular friend, but your dh's attitude in general. It seems that any time he thinks anything or anyone is threatening his ego, his image or his sense of being right about everything, he turns nasty and imposes control in a very absolutist, heavy-handed way until he gets things the way he wants them. I couldn't continue to live with someone like that. Can you?

What lazylinguist said; the issue with managing how you see your friend is something you can deal with tactically.

The bigger point is how you live with someone who treats you like a domestic servant and constantly mithers you about housework standards. And who then is a complete absolute bully to anyone who challenges him.

Is that what you want for your daughters in their marriages?

Do I just have to accept that he's not going to allow her in the home when he's not there, but just go ahead and do it anyway!, When he's not there? As I'm never going to get his blessing on it..

There's a big imbalance of power here; he's not your dad. It's your home as well and if you want to invite your friend, then do. I think it's a reasonable compromise not to invite her when he's there, it's also his home. When he's there, go to hers or meet her outside the home. When he's not there, invite her over. Relationships are about compromise and in that way, both partner's feelings have been taken into consideration.

You shouldn’t need his “blessing” to invite someone into your home in the first place. He’s not your boss.

Given his feelings it might be sensitive to ask her over only when he’s not in. (Although in my view he’s being completely melodramatic about the whole thing and needs to get a grip.

In the interest of keeping the peace it’s probably wise not to have them both in the house together. But he doesn’t get to police your friendships.

I’d leave this alone for a few weeks then approach it with an attempt understanding, “It sounds like Ann really has offended you. Do you just feel completely disrespected by her?”

Let him talk and hear him out.

Then show empathy and understanding. After that take time to share how you feel.

“She’s really been there for me during some tough times in my life. She also can be really fun. It makes me sad to know someone I enjoy has upset you to the point that you don’t even want her in our home. I’m grieving the idea that I can never have a party here again with just women friends and invite her without hurting you. I understand but wish there was a way you could find a little forgiveness for her even if you don’t ever want to be around her again.”

Show some understanding for his position and see if that gives him space to look at your side of things.

I’d also tell her that it’s not ok for her to take sides and judge your marital issues. She’s bringing her own baggage to your marriage.
(And I say this as a woman who is having my own frustrations with DH and housekeeping! He’s always kept his house perfect and left to my own devices I’d basically never vacuum or mop!)

Just taking the path of saying he’s ridiculous and should get over it, even if you don’t say it directly to him is a path to eventual separation. Relationships can’t survive if people cannot find empathy and understanding for one another and try to find an agreeable compromise.

Your life and your marriage sounds utterly miserable.

I'm pleased to read you work.

OP you have developed anxiety because of this man.

I think you need to look beyond this issue with your friend.

You sound very scared of him?

Go out with your friends tonight instead.

I think your relationship is toxic.

He's a nasty, domineering, belittling man, who has caused you to develop anxiety through grinding you down.

How are your finances?

Do you really want this to be your life.

In your situation, I would check out my finances and how I would survive on my own.

I would check out how leaving him would work.
Reach out to family and friends for support.
If I felt that I could form a plan. I would.

I would tell him that I wasn't happy, that he is abusive and control and that unless he changes his way I would be looking to separate. And mean it.

He sounds like a really horrible man.

God help you.

I think it's abusive for him to tell the OP that her friend can't be in their home at all, as it's her home, too. As he doesn't like her, it wouldn't be U to not want her to be there when he's at home, but, even if he came home earlier than his DW was expecting and the friend was there, he could cope with saying hi and then doing his own thing.

He doesn't have to like her friends, but telling her that she can't have a friend around that he doesn't like when he isn't there is controlling, no question.

And it really is ludicrous that he can't cope with your friend being in your house when you have a get together with a group of friends. It really shouldn't be up to him.

Once he's got rid of this friend he will find another one to remove from your life with another pathetic excuse.

I have a relative whose partner dislikes me. It's because he knows that I know he's an abusive dick.

I did get that far and I won't say congratulations to you. I feel so sorry that you are so lacking in self worth that you have tolerated this controlling bully for so long.

Your kids will see what is going on and think this is how they have to behave to get and keep a man.

Though their father isn't a man. He is a slug.

Also, sticking up for dh why the fuck why?

*I’d leave this alone for a few weeks then approach it with an attempt understanding, “It sounds like Ann really has offended you. Do you just feel completely disrespected by her?”

Let him talk and hear him out*.

Then show empathy and understanding. After that take time to share how you feel.

Christ @HannaYeah

Why the hell should she? 🤷🏻‍♀️

He has been ignorant AF, controlling, making it impossible for her to have a friendship over ONE silly comment.

You think she should tiptoe around him, in the hope he might let her express how she feels? God Almighty, what century are you in?

You put your food down and say you will see this friend when he is not at home.

If he goes mad at you I think then you need to look at ending the marriage and tell him in no uncertain terms that is what will happen.

It will give you a clear answer

Your husband's reaction to your friend's sarcastic dig is not normal. I think you recognise that, as you have not told the friend that she is still banned, years later.

Emotionally well-adjusted people might be offended. They might confront the person who made the comment and say that it wasn't on. Or they might complain to their spouse about the comment and the friend.

But a years-long ban suggests a really quite serious instability.

Should you be banned from having her in your house? No. Not even when he's there. He needs to get the fuck over it, because FFS, this should have been resolved on the afternoon it happened. Posters comparing it to a racist/sexist/hate-mongering mythical mate of his are missing the point - she made one comment. Years ago. It was insensitive and it offended him, and she should have been given the chance to apologise, and he should have accepted the apology.

In short, you are married to a toddler holding a grudge.

Also: was she wrong in her comment? I think not.

We've just been to his mum's, and he spoke to her like shit about her "getting in the way" when we was trying to get out into the garden to stop DD2 running off . He spoke to her the same way he speaks to me.... It was cringey. MIL is the nicest woman in the world.

She only got up / got in his way to help.

This was fairly trivial

However, when he went outside with DD2, MIL said to me " sometimes I really want to tell.him.to fuck off" - this was a major shock for me as this is not the kind of thing MIL would normally say. She's a placid lovely woman.

She then said "does he speak to you like that at home"

I was so shocked someone (especially his own mum ) has seen this behaviour that I kind of choked up and I just said "yes believe me he does!"

She then said, "what do you say to him"
I said "I tell him.to fuck off" (which is not exactly 100% true but more to go along the lines of what SHE wanted to do)

She then said " does he not realise he can't speak.to people like that".... Then DD1 came in... So our convo ended

This has hit home.so much