Aibu or am I a horrible DW

[Smidwifes]

Background:
Me and DH have two DCs.

A few years ago me and DH had a huge row about cleaning,hovering and cleaning the oven (to be clear, the arguement was him telling me to do these thinfs), he is VERY clean to an obsessive point.

This row happened to have happened, the night before DDs birthday party. At DD1's party the next day me and DH weren't talking still and things were awkward. My some major bad coincidence one of my friends bought my DD a mini mop and bucket. shortly afterward, I pulled said friend aside and said something along the lines of what a topical present to buy DD as me and DH have had a huge row about cleaning etc etc.....

Fast forward a shirt while later said friend was playing with the mop and bucket and made a silly remark indirectly through DD saying "go and clean the floors DD help your mummy out snigger"

It was wrong. She was being a clown, maybe she thought DH was too stupid to work out what had happened and it REALLY got DHs back up.

He absolutely fucking hates her guts now.

She's not welcome in our house so I can't invite her to anything I host now

Fast forward again a few years when we had DD2, she was a couple of weeks old and I wanted said friend to meet her, but knowing DH hates her I asked if he would mind popping out for an hour so she could come over, he werent over the moon about it but be went to his DMs with DD1 and came back an hour or two later.

Fast forward again to now: DH is due to work late Saturday night, will be out of the house 1800-0000. So I decided to invite said friend over and another one of our friends for a takeaway. Knowing it's he only opportunity I can have her in the house.

Today it transpires that his shift is cancelled and I told him I had invited said friend over for a takeaway... We had a bit of an argument about it but waited until kids were in bed this evening. He's basically saying now that she's not even allowed to come into the house when he's not there.

He's really digging his heels in about it. He's been quite nasty and angry about it all saying he will chuck her out if she's ever here. But my point is he wouldn't be here. I've said to him.i will cancel her coming round tomorrow as his shift is cancelled but wanted to clear the air about anything in future. I.e. in 10 years time when the DDs are older and I wanted a girly dinner party with my friends if DH is on a late/night shift, I now basically am not allowed to invite said friend round. I can invite all the others just not her.

Aibu to argue the point that I should be able to invite whoever I want in the house if he's not there ? Or am I being selfish and not sticking up for DH?

If you've got this far congratulations 😂

There's something kind of horrible about literally hating a person - actual hate - over a single perceived slight, several years ago, to the point of banning them from your house forever or being an arse when they're there... and yet never actually talking to them about it.

If you're scared of his reaction to her coming over then you need to question if this relationship is for you.

Fast forward a shirt while later said friend was playing with the mop and bucket and made a silly remark indirectly through DD saying "go and clean the floors DD help your mummy out snigger"

She wasn't making fun of your dh she was making fun of you.

She was being a clown, maybe she thought DH was too stupid to work out what had happened

No she wasn't being a clown she was nasty, she new what she was saying.

He said she's make some other similar remarks in the past

About you?

He's being a prat. Far better for him to allow her over and then be as rude as he wants whenever she crosses the line.

Tell him you don't mind being the butt of her jokes even in front of him and the children and he should join in and laugh at you as well when she makes them.

You should be allowed who you want to visit (provided they're not up to no good)

Does she mock any of your other friends?

Its your joint home. I wouldnt like it if my husband invited someone I disliked with a passion into my space when I'm there or not.

Sorry, I agree with DH on this one

If this was the other way round and DHs friend had said something you found offensive about you, everyone on here would be saying you had every right not to have them in your house while you were there. That's not unreasonable. What IS unreasonable is expecting you not to have her over when he's not there. That's batshit.

He is abusive.

The more you say about him the worse it gets. Especially how he is with you and your DD. No compliments, high expectations, moodiness when those expectations are not achieved and you worry about his reaction.

@Fantabulous1

Its your joint home. I wouldnt like it if my husband invited someone I disliked with a passion into my space when I'm there or not.

Sorry, I agree with DH on this one

Even if your reason for disliking them is unreasonable. And even if you make your partner unhappy and scared of confronting you?

Oh yeah, totally fair

My ex was like this. He also didn't like my mum. Initially it was (supposedly) because of how she had treated me in the past and he was 'so supportive and caring' about it. Eventually he was just bloody rude to her every time she came over (she later told me) until she stopped coming of her own accord. Looking back it was obvious that he could sense she didn't like him and hated the fact that she was a support for me. He didn't like my best friend either. He wouldn't ban me from having friends in the house, but he would arrange his work pattern so that he ended up in the house (same room) with me and my friends every time they came over so he could monitor what we were talking about. Eventually they stopped meeting me at home. He was also "strict" with our dc and uncaring of their emotional wellbeing, but read stories etc to them.

Your dh would have been annoyed you had confided in your friend. Her "joke" was a clumsy attempt to support you, but men like your dh hate that. The fact that you're anxious about cleaning and now clean to his standards is quite worrying.

My own situation is that I eventually divorced. Many years later and my home is my own (and my DC's) now, and I still have pleasure every single day in walking through the door and seeing all our own things and knowing I can invite who l like (or not! I like my peace!) I've even come to some sort of peace with my ex.

I know you're not thinking of divorce. But life doesn't have to be like this. My main bit of advice would be never drop your friends. Ultimately they're looking out for you. I think your friend was a bit careless saying what she did out loud, but really only because your life has been made difficult as a result. "Help your mum out with the cleaning" is a bit of a dig, but not exactly horrific. I think you should confide in your friends and get some real life support. My life started to change when little by little I started talking about what I was going through until eventually the floodgates opened and I ended up finding the strength to change things (with the help of the very people he had hated most).

I actually wouldn't ban a friend of my husband from coming over for saying that. I would've said to them at the time that I wasn't happy and resolved it like an adult rather than ban them forever. I also know that if any of my husband's friends said anything truly offensive he would pull them up on it and vice versa. No banning required unless something truly awful but then we would both agree

It's not a great situation but perhaps explain it to your friend. I agree its controlling behaviour. To make the best out of the situation, maybe ask your husband to look after the children while you go to hers instead?

I get the impression the full story has not been told. However, if you feel your husband is not abusive why would you put your friend first before your marriage?

This phrase ‘being a clown’. I imagine that’s what he’s says, right?

He’s a prick. Nothing else to say.

Is he generally prone to melodrama?
Hates her guts, has really got it in for her after one silly comment.
He sounds wonderful OP.

I agree with the majority of the posters - banning this friend completely is an unreasonable response especially when she's part of a group of friends. I think if I were you, I would cut and paste this thread and save it on a computer under an innocuous name with a password. You have DDs. This kind of stuff will come up in future. It will be useful to reflect on how this felt/came about.

Not the point of my thread but I never clean our oven. I get a cleaning service to do it once in a while. If DH ordered me to do it I'd be . I do occasionally 'make' him clean stuff, but that's because he rarely does any cleaning of his own volition. Unless it involves special machinery or vehicles.

Compare this to threads where the OP is talking about a MIL who keeps making digs at her, and asks whether she's being U not to allow her OH to have his DM at the house, even if she isn't there. She would be told in no uncertain terms that she was being controlling and she should just find other things to do if she couldn't cope with her MIL at all.

This is about ONE incident years ago, where it isn't even clear that the friend even was intending to insult the OP's DH.

This sounds very controlling. The DH is clearly controlling in other ways, particularly over the cleaning, so the friend's comment hit a raw nerve and he fears that she sees through him.

He is controlling and abusive and you are in denial about it.

So much wrong here OP, not sure why this is all about the friend.
Why is he having a go about cleaning? If he's that fussy why doesn't he do it?

@IdblowJonSnow

So much wrong here OP, not sure why this is all about the friend. Why is he having a go about cleaning? If he's that fussy why doesn't he do it?

He does do a fair amount of cleaning. But so do it. I'd say 50% of the time after he's cleaned, or cleared up, he will often nag about it.

It got really mad afew years back where if I came home and could tell he's been cleaning I just knew we were gonna end up in an argument

Funnily enough, I said when we have kids are you going to be that critical of their mess too. He said no as he expects it from them, not from me. But fast forward to having kids and there has been a number of occasions where I've been had a go at, for the kids mess.

He's being bloody ridiculous and very childish!! So, he's prepared to act like this because someone dared to giggle at him ages ago and dent his ego?! Besides, it's not his house, it's both of yours home. If he doesn't wish to be around her (which is childish), fair enough! He can take himself up to the bedroom or go out. But, honestly, he is being incredibly controlling and humourless! Besides, it was quite a funny joke, which centered around the timing of the row and the badly timed rather apt present.

This is all so petty.

First off, it’s your home, you can invite whoever you want around. Even if it is a gossipy “friend” who can’t keep anything in confidence, but has to joke about sensitive subjects to your children in front of you and your DH. I wouldn’t be friends with someone like that, who was deliberately saying things to upset you and your DH, but hey it’s your life.

Secondly, was the argument about cleaning warranted or not? You say he has high standards, but make no comment about whether he’s doing his share of cleaning or not and what your standards are.