Aibu or am I a horrible DW

[Smidwifes]

Background:
Me and DH have two DCs.

A few years ago me and DH had a huge row about cleaning,hovering and cleaning the oven (to be clear, the arguement was him telling me to do these thinfs), he is VERY clean to an obsessive point.

This row happened to have happened, the night before DDs birthday party. At DD1's party the next day me and DH weren't talking still and things were awkward. My some major bad coincidence one of my friends bought my DD a mini mop and bucket. shortly afterward, I pulled said friend aside and said something along the lines of what a topical present to buy DD as me and DH have had a huge row about cleaning etc etc.....

Fast forward a shirt while later said friend was playing with the mop and bucket and made a silly remark indirectly through DD saying "go and clean the floors DD help your mummy out snigger"

It was wrong. She was being a clown, maybe she thought DH was too stupid to work out what had happened and it REALLY got DHs back up.

He absolutely fucking hates her guts now.

She's not welcome in our house so I can't invite her to anything I host now

Fast forward again a few years when we had DD2, she was a couple of weeks old and I wanted said friend to meet her, but knowing DH hates her I asked if he would mind popping out for an hour so she could come over, he werent over the moon about it but be went to his DMs with DD1 and came back an hour or two later.

Fast forward again to now: DH is due to work late Saturday night, will be out of the house 1800-0000. So I decided to invite said friend over and another one of our friends for a takeaway. Knowing it's he only opportunity I can have her in the house.

Today it transpires that his shift is cancelled and I told him I had invited said friend over for a takeaway... We had a bit of an argument about it but waited until kids were in bed this evening. He's basically saying now that she's not even allowed to come into the house when he's not there.

He's really digging his heels in about it. He's been quite nasty and angry about it all saying he will chuck her out if she's ever here. But my point is he wouldn't be here. I've said to him.i will cancel her coming round tomorrow as his shift is cancelled but wanted to clear the air about anything in future. I.e. in 10 years time when the DDs are older and I wanted a girly dinner party with my friends if DH is on a late/night shift, I now basically am not allowed to invite said friend round. I can invite all the others just not her.

Aibu to argue the point that I should be able to invite whoever I want in the house if he's not there ? Or am I being selfish and not sticking up for DH?

If you've got this far congratulations 😂

@derxa

You've gone too far now OP

What do you mean

@derxa what exactly is your problem?!

derxa I'm really hoping you're being sarcastic?

Your MIL's reaction shows you that this is a pattern of him treating family (and women) like dirt.

I really hope this shows you that he is the problem in your marriage and the incident with this friend underlines what a jealous and controlling bastard he is.

@HannaYeah

I’d leave this alone for a few weeks then approach it with an attempt understanding, “It sounds like Ann really has offended you. Do you just feel completely disrespected by her?”

Let him talk and hear him out.

Then show empathy and understanding. After that take time to share how you feel.

“She’s really been there for me during some tough times in my life. She also can be really fun. It makes me sad to know someone I enjoy has upset you to the point that you don’t even want her in our home. I’m grieving the idea that I can never have a party here again with just women friends and invite her without hurting you. I understand but wish there was a way you could find a little forgiveness for her even if you don’t ever want to be around her again.”

Show some understanding for his position and see if that gives him space to look at your side of things.

I’d also tell her that it’s not ok for her to take sides and judge your marital issues. She’s bringing her own baggage to your marriage.
(And I say this as a woman who is having my own frustrations with DH and housekeeping! He’s always kept his house perfect and left to my own devices I’d basically never vacuum or mop!)

Just taking the path of saying he’s ridiculous and should get over it, even if you don’t say it directly to him is a path to eventual separation. Relationships can’t survive if people cannot find empathy and understanding for one another and try to find an agreeable compromise.

Do not do this.

It sounds as though he doesn't like her because she has the guts to call him out on his awful controlling and oppressive behaviour towards you.

Have a look at the below circle of abuse;does any of it sound familiar to you?

OP,

His lovely mother knows he's scum.

How painful is that for her.

Kick him to touch.

If not for you, do it for your children.

He has got away with talking to women like shit for so long it's probably second nature to him! How dare he disrespect his Mum!!! You need to wise up and kick him out!

My DH can be a bit unforgiving - he's got a low opinion of a couple of my friends however, he would never "ban" someone without very good reason and without respect to me. His parents were the childcare for our kid when we were having a second and they didn't turn up. We never banned them, they belatedly apologised and I forgave them with gritted teeth.

Your husband is being unreasonable. I would explain that to him and explain that he is jeopardising all your friendships. If he wants an apology, he needs to ask for one. See how he reacts.

If he talks to you and his mum like shit, then he is abusing you both. You have changed your behaviour from fear of his reaction and now you have him sitting on your shoulder all the time, nagging you and overseeing you.

I bet there are other ways you've changed your behaviour to avoid his nastiness.

Are you happy?

OP

This is NOT about your friend.

You are a ball of anxiety in an abusive relationship....and you you now have another potential ally in his mother.

Get away from this nasty prick.

He's so awful.

Have you seen coronation street ? He's controlling like Geoff !

This man is horrible, not you, OP.

This is not a coincidence that his DM has spoke out, it’s because she can see what is happening to you. She can see the anxiety and probably the submission that you cannot see for yourself or do not want to admit to. For this marriage to have any chance of recovering changes need to be made. Wanting it to be ok is not enough, you know he is crossing the line. Do not compromise on his bad behaviour.