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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or am I a horrible DW

264 replies

Smidwifes · 18/09/2020 21:51

Background:
Me and DH have two DCs.

A few years ago me and DH had a huge row about cleaning,hovering and cleaning the oven (to be clear, the arguement was him telling me to do these thinfs), he is VERY clean to an obsessive point.

This row happened to have happened, the night before DDs birthday party. At DD1's party the next day me and DH weren't talking still and things were awkward. My some major bad coincidence one of my friends bought my DD a mini mop and bucket. shortly afterward, I pulled said friend aside and said something along the lines of what a topical present to buy DD as me and DH have had a huge row about cleaning etc etc.....

Fast forward a shirt while later said friend was playing with the mop and bucket and made a silly remark indirectly through DD saying "go and clean the floors DD help your mummy out snigger"

It was wrong. She was being a clown, maybe she thought DH was too stupid to work out what had happened and it REALLY got DHs back up.

He absolutely fucking hates her guts now.

She's not welcome in our house so I can't invite her to anything I host now

Fast forward again a few years when we had DD2, she was a couple of weeks old and I wanted said friend to meet her, but knowing DH hates her I asked if he would mind popping out for an hour so she could come over, he werent over the moon about it but be went to his DMs with DD1 and came back an hour or two later.

Fast forward again to now: DH is due to work late Saturday night, will be out of the house 1800-0000. So I decided to invite said friend over and another one of our friends for a takeaway. Knowing it's he only opportunity I can have her in the house.

Today it transpires that his shift is cancelled and I told him I had invited said friend over for a takeaway... We had a bit of an argument about it but waited until kids were in bed this evening. He's basically saying now that she's not even allowed to come into the house when he's not there.

He's really digging his heels in about it. He's been quite nasty and angry about it all saying he will chuck her out if she's ever here. But my point is he wouldn't be here. I've said to him.i will cancel her coming round tomorrow as his shift is cancelled but wanted to clear the air about anything in future. I.e. in 10 years time when the DDs are older and I wanted a girly dinner party with my friends if DH is on a late/night shift, I now basically am not allowed to invite said friend round. I can invite all the others just not her.

Aibu to argue the point that I should be able to invite whoever I want in the house if he's not there ? Or am I being selfish and not sticking up for DH?

If you've got this far congratulations 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Smidwifes · 18/09/2020 22:11

emilybrontescorsett

She bought it because it was a mini mop and bucket... She is obsessed with mini things. And we got her a toy kitchen for her birthday so think she was thinking on those lines. Don't think it was anything to do with gender 😅

On your other point tho.... I THOUGHT he did like her..... She was at the party anyway. But now it transpires that he hates her anyway and apparently has made another similar remark

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 18/09/2020 22:11

How out of order was he with the cleaning - did he make you were not doing enough?

Your friend clearly doesnt like your DH and finds his behaviour difficult. This isnt clowning around this is directed at him.

Is her DH a nice man and its just an argument about gardening?

formerbabe · 18/09/2020 22:12

I'm on the fence. If my dh had a friend round who made a sarky comment about me and a row we had, I wouldn't be thrilled at their presence.

Emeraldshamrock · 18/09/2020 22:15

Is there more to this I find men who behave like that are oversenstive controlling and spiteful in other areas of their life.

Original poster
Smidwifes · 18/09/2020 22:15

@Quartz2208

How out of order was he with the cleaning - did he make you were not doing enough?

Your friend clearly doesnt like your DH and finds his behaviour difficult. This isnt clowning around this is directed at him.

Is her DH a nice man and its just an argument about gardening?

Yes the arguement was that I wasn't doing enough, or at least, wasn't doing what I was doing, properly

No she has major issues with her own DH.... Quite similar lines to my own DH actually. But I wouldn't dream.of.saying anything in front of him.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 18/09/2020 22:16

When she made the remark about the cleaning did you tell her off?
You say he's mentioned that she's made other remarks about your husband and also that you can't make remarks about them.

Surely your friends are entitled to take the piss out of your husband if they want.

I'm sure if you were complaining that your husband was inviting his mate around who had a record of taking the mickey out of you everyone would be saying he was a shit.

Your friend sounds lovely making these sort of remarks, after all it's not just about your husband but your relationship. In fact the comment she made was more denigrating you than him.

Original poster
Smidwifes · 18/09/2020 22:16

@formerbabe

I'm on the fence. If my dh had a friend round who made a sarky comment about me and a row we had, I wouldn't be thrilled at their presence.
No I agree....and if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't be welcome in my home at all.

But would I control whether he was on our house when I was not there ???? I'm not so sure

OP posts:
Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 18/09/2020 22:17

@Smidwifes your husband sounds like really really hard work.

What are his good qualities?

Closingtime94 · 18/09/2020 22:18

I feel like your making excuses for DH behaviour, she made a joke about him being a bit of a dick tbf, it's your house too and should be allowed anyone you want there whether DHs there or not.

HotSauceCommittee · 18/09/2020 22:21

You are not his cleaner. If he doesn't like what you are doing or how much cleaning you are doing, he needs to do it himself.
Your friend made things hard for you by taking the piss out of him and ridiculing him, but she is right; he IS ridiculous.
Don't let him push you around. You can see who you like. I'd love DH to have more of his friends around just because they are his friends and they make him happy.
Does your partner make you happy, OP?

Original poster
Smidwifes · 18/09/2020 22:23

@Closingtime94

I feel like your making excuses for DH behaviour, she made a joke about him being a bit of a dick tbf, it's your house too and should be allowed anyone you want there whether DHs there or not.
I don't quite think he got the joke. Maybe as it was too raw the arguement but I think he's also pissed that I've been discussing our business with her. And she went on to make an indirect dig about it. Thinking that he wouldn't catch on
OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 18/09/2020 22:23

He is being completely ridiculous and very controlling. I would go ahead with your plans. He has no right to ban your friend from the house. She made a slightly tactless comment (but not really). It should have been forgotten within a few days. How does he cope in life without a bit of flexibility and tolerance?

Lazypuppy · 18/09/2020 22:24

Your husband sounds exhausting and childish. Its your house too, you don't have ro ask permission.

He needs tk grow up and stop holding grudges

formerbabe · 18/09/2020 22:25

I'm also not sure that she's a great friend. I wouldn't make a comment in front of a husband of a friend that would indicate I knew anything about their problems or arguments...likewise I'd expect a friend to keep their mouth shut if the roles were reversed.

Original poster
Smidwifes · 18/09/2020 22:28

@formerbabe

I'm also not sure that she's a great friend. I wouldn't make a comment in front of a husband of a friend that would indicate I knew anything about their problems or arguments...likewise I'd expect a friend to keep their mouth shut if the roles were reversed.
Yes I do agree. Like I said before I wouldnt dream of making a remark direct or indirect to her DH about the arguments I know they've had. I just wouldn't do it.

But it's not so big a thing to lose a friendship over..... And I've compromised already in that I would never invite her here when DH is home

But he's now saying he won't compromise on me inviting her here when he's not even here

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 18/09/2020 22:28

Your husband is a controlling dick.

Anyone giving their wife a hard time about not doing enough cleaning deserves to have their wife offload about it to a friend.

His reaction to this minor bit of pisstaking is completely over the top.

BigFatLiar · 18/09/2020 22:29

@formerbabe

I'm on the fence. If my dh had a friend round who made a sarky comment about me and a row we had, I wouldn't be thrilled at their presence.
I'd like to think that if my DH had a friend around who made Sarky remarks about me my DH would tell them to apologise and not do it again or get out.

Closest we had was his friends (and sometimes my friends and family) referring to me as 'senior management'.

cansu · 18/09/2020 22:31

She shouldn't have made the comment but he isn't the boss of you and whilst he gets the option to go out or keep a low profile when she is around, he doesn't get to banish her from the house. It is controlling as he has decided that you can't invite a friend to the house. This has gone on longer than it should as you felt bad about sharing the info with her and have over compensated by allowing him to have this control. You need to tell him clearly to piss off and that you will be inviting whoever you want over.

formerbabe · 18/09/2020 22:31

I do think it's absolutely up to you if you want a friend round..he can't tell you not to. It's your home too.

BigFatLiar · 18/09/2020 22:32

@thepeopleversuswork

Your husband is a controlling dick.

Anyone giving their wife a hard time about not doing enough cleaning deserves to have their wife offload about it to a friend.

His reaction to this minor bit of pisstaking is completely over the top.

Same with edges giving husbands/partners ahead time about not doing enough?
TheChiefJo · 18/09/2020 22:32

Indoctro, that may be so, but surely you wouldn't take such a hard line on a friend who is so important to your partner for such a silly reason? It goes both ways, no?

OP, are you sure there isn't more to your DP's problem with this friend? It's grossly disproportionate if not. If it really is over a couple of off cuff remarks, a mere difference of humour, I'd say you have a DP problem.

Bizawit · 18/09/2020 22:32

Personally I don’t think your friend said/ did anything wrong, and your DH sounds like a childish, controlling and generally horrible person.

ShebaShimmyShake · 18/09/2020 22:33

Does she even know he hates her? Does she know he feels like this or that he never wants to see her?

She made an ill-judged joke, but it was how long ago? And he's still this furious about it?

What would happen if you talked to her about it? If he did, since it's his issue? It certainly sounds like she just made a mistake. How can anyone make amends if they don't even know they've upset someone?

BigFatLiar · 18/09/2020 22:33

Sorry wives not edges
A hard not ahead blooming auto correct

Deadringer · 18/09/2020 22:33

God i hate men like this. Complaining about how you clean, dictating who can visit you in your own home. So you told your friend about a row you had, she made a silly joke about it, big whoop, and now he hates her. He is controlling, i don't know how you can't see it op.

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