Aibu or am I a horrible DW

[Smidwifes]

Background:
Me and DH have two DCs.

A few years ago me and DH had a huge row about cleaning,hovering and cleaning the oven (to be clear, the arguement was him telling me to do these thinfs), he is VERY clean to an obsessive point.

This row happened to have happened, the night before DDs birthday party. At DD1's party the next day me and DH weren't talking still and things were awkward. My some major bad coincidence one of my friends bought my DD a mini mop and bucket. shortly afterward, I pulled said friend aside and said something along the lines of what a topical present to buy DD as me and DH have had a huge row about cleaning etc etc.....

Fast forward a shirt while later said friend was playing with the mop and bucket and made a silly remark indirectly through DD saying "go and clean the floors DD help your mummy out snigger"

It was wrong. She was being a clown, maybe she thought DH was too stupid to work out what had happened and it REALLY got DHs back up.

He absolutely fucking hates her guts now.

She's not welcome in our house so I can't invite her to anything I host now

Fast forward again a few years when we had DD2, she was a couple of weeks old and I wanted said friend to meet her, but knowing DH hates her I asked if he would mind popping out for an hour so she could come over, he werent over the moon about it but be went to his DMs with DD1 and came back an hour or two later.

Fast forward again to now: DH is due to work late Saturday night, will be out of the house 1800-0000. So I decided to invite said friend over and another one of our friends for a takeaway. Knowing it's he only opportunity I can have her in the house.

Today it transpires that his shift is cancelled and I told him I had invited said friend over for a takeaway... We had a bit of an argument about it but waited until kids were in bed this evening. He's basically saying now that she's not even allowed to come into the house when he's not there.

He's really digging his heels in about it. He's been quite nasty and angry about it all saying he will chuck her out if she's ever here. But my point is he wouldn't be here. I've said to him.i will cancel her coming round tomorrow as his shift is cancelled but wanted to clear the air about anything in future. I.e. in 10 years time when the DDs are older and I wanted a girly dinner party with my friends if DH is on a late/night shift, I now basically am not allowed to invite said friend round. I can invite all the others just not her.

Aibu to argue the point that I should be able to invite whoever I want in the house if he's not there ? Or am I being selfish and not sticking up for DH?

If you've got this far congratulations 😂

Your husband sounds mental. For starters, of he wants more cleaning done he should do it himself. To ban someone from your house for a throwaway comment several years ago is seriously deranged

It absolutely is control. He’s an abusive asshole.

I'd tell him to get stuffed you will have who you like in it's your house too. The compromise is when he's not in or he can stay upstairs tomorrow. She's not a murder she made a flippant remark. Tell him to grow up and get over it. X

You know it really sounds like you are a child with all the rules.

If a friends behaviour was so bad to get this sort of reaction from DP then it would be me not welcoming friend into my home or me telling DP he is overacting. I would not want to be with someone so inflexible and not a good quality for DCs to pick up on.

@ShebaShimmyShake

Does she even know he hates her? Does she know he feels like this or that he never wants to see her?

She made an ill-judged joke, but it was how long ago? And he's still this furious about it?

What would happen if you talked to her about it? If he did, since it's his issue? It certainly sounds like she just made a mistake. How can anyone make amends if they don't even know they've upset someone?

No she's not aware he hates her

It's so disproportionate and so long ago now that she'd probably he shocked

And I've buried my head in the sand about it

He wanted me to confront her. But he didn't want the opportunity to make amends. So I didn't bother as what's the point

Narcissist s hate people making fun of them..just saying.

@Deadringer

God i hate men like this. Complaining about how you clean, dictating who can visit you in your own home. So you told your friend about a row you had, she made a silly joke about it, big whoop, and now he hates her. He is controlling, i don't know how you can't see it op.

Because he doesn't care if I see her outside our home

I spent the whole weekend with her for her hen do and attended her wedding (without him as he wouldn't go) for whole weekend... He couldn't care less whether I was seeing her every week outside the home.... So it can't be control can it?

It's unreasonable and ridiculous and hurting for me... But I can't label it as control.?

He hates her because he found out that she was someone you could confide in when his behaviour was unreasonable.

THIS. WIth bells on

@Smidwifes

Justmuddlingalong

He has no problems me seeing her whenever I want to, just not in our house. He wouldn't give a toss if I went to her house.....

So I can't really label this as distancing or control

Yes you can because he's controlling how you behave and turning this into a my house-my rules situation with zero regard or respect for you as an adult.

He doesn't give a toss about hurting you or how you feel. You're feelings are irrelevant to the enormous injury she's done to his manly ego

He sounds like a dickhead dictator

BigFatLiar I am prepared to bet my house on the fact the OP does the majority of this cleaning that the DH considers to be VERY important.

That aside, absolutely nothing justifies him holding a ridiculous, melodramatic sulk lasting years about a silly throwaway comment like that, let alone telling the OP who she can invite to their home.

I can see both sides on this one. Your H has pissed off Mumsnet by being a knob about cleaning, but I think we can address that separately.
I have splinters because on the one hand, I don't like the idea of someone dictating who their partner can socialise with. On the other hand, I don't think anyone should have to have anyone in their home who isn't kind to them.l, or who makes them feel uncomfortable.

I've eventually landed that he can make the decree that she can't come round, and you can tell him you are going to ignore it.
It doesn't feel entirely satisfactory. It is a true dilemma!

@Boulshired

If a friends behaviour was so bad to get this sort of reaction from DP then it would be me not welcoming friend into my home or me telling DP he is overacting. I would not want to be with someone so inflexible and not a good quality for DCs to pick up on.

I did kind of suggest similar earlier to him...that if she had said something bad, or went up to him saying she hates him for what he's doing to me or whatever... I would have grounds to have words with her about it....

I think his problem is then that he thinks she sees him for what he is - an unpleasant man and he cant handle that. He has to be seen as been great and perfect all the time

That is why

Smidwifes

"I can't label it as control?"

Yes you can because it is. He is imposing arbitrary rules about who you have in your own home because of some minor slight to his ego which took place several years ago. And the reason he's so pissed off about it is because he has correctly identified her as an ally and someone to whom you might listen when the penny drops that he's a bully. That's pretty much textbook control.

How much does your DH contribute to achieving his very high cleaning standards @Smidwifes ?

Tell,him a) if he wants the house cleaned to his high standards he fucking well does it himself and b) you are entitled to invite who you want into the house when you want and if he doesn't like it he can fuck off.

@WaltzingBetty

How much does your DH contribute to achieving his very high cleaning standards *@Smidwifes* ?

Quite a lot TBF He does do his bit

But Christ I usually know about it. Usually in terms of what he's had to clear up of mine

"Christ I usually know about it. Usually in terms of what he's had to clear up of mine".

OP you're not his cleaner. You need to tell him if he's not happy with the standard of cleaning he can clearly do it better himself and see how he likes that.

Christ this man gets worse and worse with every post.

@Smidwifes
Oh my goodness...I know of a revolting man who banned a SIL from his home after concerns about abuse..He made her write a grovelling letter of apology to him otherwise she would never {ever} be allowed on their premises again.

I was appalled that the SIL did it...after a year of not seeing her nieces children.

Men like this are ghastly. You are far from U.

@Quartz2208

I think his problem is then that he thinks she sees him for what he is - an unpleasant man and he cant handle that. He has to be seen as been great and perfect all the time

That is why

I think I'm coming to the conclusion that he's got zero tolerance for anyone or anything

He has no issues speaking his mind or being an arsehole about something

Sometimes you just got to 'rub along' together, be human, be sociable.

I do however question what Mumsnet would say if I was posting from his perspective ....

It is your house too. You should be able to see whoever you want in it. If he can't get over one silly comment so long ago, he needs his head looked at.

There's one of my friends that DH doesn't particularly like. As I've told him, he doesn't have to like her, he just has to be polite to her on the rare occasions when she comes round to our house.

Tell him to do his own fucking cleaning if he doesn't think you do it to a high enough standard... Life's too short.

me and DH had a huge row about cleaning,hovering and cleaning the oven (to be clear, the arguement was him telling me to do these thinfs

This doesn't seem fair, OP. I know you're asking about your friend, and subsequent argument, but this first bit - why doesn't he do it?

'I think I'm coming to the conclusion that he's got zero tolerance for anyone or anything

He has no issues speaking his mind or being an arsehole about something'

He doesn't sound great, OP. I'm sorry.

@Quartz2208

I think his problem is then that he thinks she sees him for what he is - an unpleasant man and he cant handle that. He has to be seen as been great and perfect all the time

That is why

Spot on.

the SIL I know who was banned from an abusive bloke's house likes to put on a ''perfect'' persona, so say.

But the SIL sees him for what he is...a bullying , abusive dictator.

I do however question what Mumsnet would say if I was posting from his perspective ....

I'm pretty sure his perspective is that he's always right.

Does he ever:
Apologise when wrong
Compliment you
Support you in achieving your goals
Actively parent your DD and support her development as a person (not a mini cook/cleaner)
Talk to you and listen to your thoughts and opinions
Share decision-making and ask for your input

?