Aibu or am I a horrible DW

[Smidwifes]

Background:
Me and DH have two DCs.

A few years ago me and DH had a huge row about cleaning,hovering and cleaning the oven (to be clear, the arguement was him telling me to do these thinfs), he is VERY clean to an obsessive point.

This row happened to have happened, the night before DDs birthday party. At DD1's party the next day me and DH weren't talking still and things were awkward. My some major bad coincidence one of my friends bought my DD a mini mop and bucket. shortly afterward, I pulled said friend aside and said something along the lines of what a topical present to buy DD as me and DH have had a huge row about cleaning etc etc.....

Fast forward a shirt while later said friend was playing with the mop and bucket and made a silly remark indirectly through DD saying "go and clean the floors DD help your mummy out snigger"

It was wrong. She was being a clown, maybe she thought DH was too stupid to work out what had happened and it REALLY got DHs back up.

He absolutely fucking hates her guts now.

She's not welcome in our house so I can't invite her to anything I host now

Fast forward again a few years when we had DD2, she was a couple of weeks old and I wanted said friend to meet her, but knowing DH hates her I asked if he would mind popping out for an hour so she could come over, he werent over the moon about it but be went to his DMs with DD1 and came back an hour or two later.

Fast forward again to now: DH is due to work late Saturday night, will be out of the house 1800-0000. So I decided to invite said friend over and another one of our friends for a takeaway. Knowing it's he only opportunity I can have her in the house.

Today it transpires that his shift is cancelled and I told him I had invited said friend over for a takeaway... We had a bit of an argument about it but waited until kids were in bed this evening. He's basically saying now that she's not even allowed to come into the house when he's not there.

He's really digging his heels in about it. He's been quite nasty and angry about it all saying he will chuck her out if she's ever here. But my point is he wouldn't be here. I've said to him.i will cancel her coming round tomorrow as his shift is cancelled but wanted to clear the air about anything in future. I.e. in 10 years time when the DDs are older and I wanted a girly dinner party with my friends if DH is on a late/night shift, I now basically am not allowed to invite said friend round. I can invite all the others just not her.

Aibu to argue the point that I should be able to invite whoever I want in the house if he's not there ? Or am I being selfish and not sticking up for DH?

If you've got this far congratulations 😂

[BackforGood]

Eh...just tell him that you won't be dictated to regarding your friends. It's not as if she's a crack dealer. Are you scared of him?

This ^

Personally I think he is entitled not to like your friend and to choose not to socialise with her. However he has no more right to dictate who can come to your home, than you do to ban, or pick and choose his friends. It is your home as much as his. Unless a person is (as pp said) a crack dealer, or violent when they are in your home, then one partner has no right to say they can never cross your threshold again.

[LionessRoar]

Your friend was nasty and disrespectful. I don’t think she’s much of a friend to you for deliberately making a dig at your DH and stirring things between you p, especially after you had jut had a row. Really shitty behaviour on her part and completely understand why your DH wouldn’t want her around. I can’t believe your still friends with someone who behaves this way.

[HannaYeah]

@Justmuddlingalong

Next he’s supposed to not be in his own house so she can come over?
That's not the case, the OP's post states He's basically saying now that she's not even allowed to come into the house when he's not there.

Same thing to me.

Anyway, I don’t want people I don’t like in my house even when I’m not there.

This woman may have just made this one “joke” but it would be enough for me. Particularly because she involved their daughter and because she used info his wife had given her to basically mock him.

If roles where reversed and a friend of his made comments about the house being dirty to their DD like “Oh maybe you can teach your mom to clean!” we’d never say OP should be fine with him coming over.

[HannaYeah]

@LionessRoar

Your friend was nasty and disrespectful. I don’t think she’s much of a friend to you for deliberately making a dig at your DH and stirring things between you p, especially after you had jut had a row. Really shitty behaviour on her part and completely understand why your DH wouldn’t want her around. I can’t believe your still friends with someone who behaves this way.

This.

I’m not saying I’d end the friendship but I’d definitely say “Hey! That wasn’t right to use what I told you to make digs about him.”

Friends like this can be toxic for a marriage. Sharing marital issues for support and advice is one thing. Having your friend use it to judge and hurt your spouse is not helpful.

[FuckYouCorona]

Your H is a piece of work. A totally nasty, abusive, controlling bully. Your friend made a joke & he continues to throw his toys out of the pram years later? He needs to grow the fuck up & you need to get the fuck out. Do you really want your DD to grow up thinking that this type of controlling relationship is right? What would you advise your DD to say if she had a partner treating her in this way? There is your answer!

[ktp100]

Jeezx, he sounds really controlling.

He doesn't get to choose who your friends are, not does he get to decide who comes in the home you SHARE.

Men who try to ruin friendships because they're being called out on their bullshit are the WORST. He doesn't own you. Do what you want to do.

[Notfeelinggreattoday]

It wasn't much of a comment not enough to ban her from the house whilst he isn't even there
It was a joke and maybe she shouldn't of said it but you had told her about the argument and presumably told dh you told her otherwise to me its just a comment you would make , if you bought a toy lawnmower you might say you can help daddy / mummy mow the law now
Also why is what he says goes , you are compromising in not inviting your friend to things your husband is at , wheres his compromise

[Seeingadistance]

You’re married to an arsehole.

Your friend knows this.

The arsehole knows she knows, and is being an arsehole about it.

[EKGEMS]

Who the hell made him the boss of you?

[Nyclair]

I think the initial falling out was over the top and ridiculous by your DH but he has made it clear that he doesn't want her in your house and as his wife you should respect that. Likewise should he if its the other way round. He is not stopping you from seeing her, he just doesn't want someone he doesn't like in his house

[Dastardlythefriendlymutt]

He hates her because she called him out for his unreasonable behaviour. He knows she will give you advice that will make you think twice about the things he says and does.

He is distancing you from her because he is making it difficult for you to see her or have her ar social events you host so your friendship dies off while giving the generous excuse that "you can see her anywhere, just not here" knowing your opportunities to see her will be limited esp as you have 2 young children.

Think twice about excusing his behaviour

[Hamm87]

Sorry but its not just ops house its his too and my dh hates someone I would not invite them around and if I hated someone he would do the same, you can still see her outside of the home he just does not like your friend as it sound like she tried to get involved in your argument which is interference

[summeriscoming20]

This is still very controlling OP, it's your house too!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Seems to me that your DH realised that you'd been telling your friend about the row, and then she poked him about it, which meant that he could have felt as though you were ganging up on him in his own home.

So he doesn't like her - he doesn't want her in his space. So far, so understandable.
Now he doesn't want her in his space even when he's not in it - less understandable to many but not entirely - he could be feeling like she's affecting the atmosphere in his home, somewhere he's just as entitled to feel comfortable as you are.

This becomes an issue when people start saying things like "But it's just as much your home as it is his" - yes, of course, but equally it's just as much HIS home as it is yours. Neither of you should be doing things that upset the other in your joint home.

Now I have my own similar problem but I'm in your DH's position - my husband's brother hates me, and has been utterly foul to me, calling me a fucking bitch who shouldn't even be here and should just fuck off back to my own country (all in the hearing of my then 3yo). He's also been violent [not to me specifically] and we've had restraining orders out against him in the past but they've expired.
Funnily enough, I do not want this man anywhere near my home. I don't want him on the grounds and certainly not IN the house. My husband accepts him not coming in the house, but he won't stop him from coming round entirely - I find this utterly disrespectful, as though my husband is accepting his brother's abuse of me, rather than standing up for me. But because it's also DH's home, and it's his brother, I cannot STOP him from letting his brother come around (much though I deplore it) - I just wish he would agree to it himself and show some respect and support for me.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Dammit, pressed post too soon.
I'm not saying that your DH's situation is exactly the same as mine, because it's not - and I'm not insinuating that you're neither respectful nor supportive of your DH - but I do feel that he has the right to ask you not to allow your friend into his home. You also have the right to ignore that - but is it really worth it? He will likely also feel that you are not respecting or supporting him, regardless of whether this is actually true.

[Imworthit]

Too long didn't read.... But she bought your baby a bucket and a mop? Would hit her with it.

[Snipples]

YANBU. I think your husband is being pathetic.

My DH doesn't like all my friends but he wouldn't dictate who can be in the house when he's not here (or even when he is tbh).

She's annoyed him yes, but he needs to get over it. In our group with close friends we would all easily make the same comment your friend did as a way of winding up our other friends, but I suppose as we're all friends it's accepted. Still, I don't think it's a huge deal what she said and your DH is being a bit petty.

[AlwaysUtterChaos]

I like to think that if one of DH's friends was disrespectful to me that he would distance himself from them and no longer invite them into our home (regardless of whether or not I was there) so I don't think he is being unreasonable.
Go out and see your friend if you want to, if he tries to put a stop to that, then yes that's controlling but I think he has every right not to want her in his home.

[Porridgeoat]

I would lay down the law with him and also not ask his permission about who I was I was inviting to the house. He’s being utterly over reactive to a stupid extent. It almost sounds a bit obsessional the way he’s negatively fixated on it. It’s not normal.

She’s your friend. She’s a support to and he should want you to be supported. You’ve confinded in her and yes she make a jokey comment she shouldn’t have. So what? She’s not committed a crime, she just made a misjudged a comment and people are allowed to make mistakes. Doesn’t make her a nasty person or someone who thinks badly of DH.

I would not tolerate this and would not pussy foot around. I’d want to know how he plans to move forward and get over this as she’s your friend and you’re totally sick of his immature over reactive behaviour.

[Porridgeoat]

Is he controlling about other things op?

[Porridgeoat]

Everyone deserves a second chance and as she is otherwise a good person and true friend to you he needs to stop being so dramatic.

He’s probably paranoid that she thinks badly of him and I suspect she doesn’t. I would reassure him about this and how kind she is.

[amusedtodeath1]

OP would you say he was controling of his environment? It's possible he may have anxiety/OCD issues that can make a person seem very controling, when it's more about feeling "safe" in an environment.

That doesn't make it okay though. But maybe it's worth having a conversation about?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I do however question what Mumsnet would say if I was posting from his perspective ....

Try writing it from his perspective. Really honestly on here. See if it scans.

[pictish]

I can only echo everyone else (apart from one or two) - your dh is being unreasonable. His problem with your friend is that he knows she’s got the measure of him and that she’s someone you can and do confide in.
“He absolutely fucking hates her guts now.”
He’s pulling rank over her in the only way he can, banning her from your house. His ongoing grudge continues to impact on your arrangements years later. It’s not your friend he’s punishing, it’s you.
Don’t like the sound of him at all.

[EarringsandLipstick]

@Justmuddlingalong

Don't you find his behaviour abusive and he's now trying to distance you from your friend?

This ^^

This is appalling.

He is nuts to dislike someone so intensely after a fairly innocuous remark, even if it riled him.

He is way out of line & utterly controlling to think he can tell you when to see your friend or who to have in the house.