Aibu or am I a horrible DW

[Smidwifes]

Background:
Me and DH have two DCs.

A few years ago me and DH had a huge row about cleaning,hovering and cleaning the oven (to be clear, the arguement was him telling me to do these thinfs), he is VERY clean to an obsessive point.

This row happened to have happened, the night before DDs birthday party. At DD1's party the next day me and DH weren't talking still and things were awkward. My some major bad coincidence one of my friends bought my DD a mini mop and bucket. shortly afterward, I pulled said friend aside and said something along the lines of what a topical present to buy DD as me and DH have had a huge row about cleaning etc etc.....

Fast forward a shirt while later said friend was playing with the mop and bucket and made a silly remark indirectly through DD saying "go and clean the floors DD help your mummy out snigger"

It was wrong. She was being a clown, maybe she thought DH was too stupid to work out what had happened and it REALLY got DHs back up.

He absolutely fucking hates her guts now.

She's not welcome in our house so I can't invite her to anything I host now

Fast forward again a few years when we had DD2, she was a couple of weeks old and I wanted said friend to meet her, but knowing DH hates her I asked if he would mind popping out for an hour so she could come over, he werent over the moon about it but be went to his DMs with DD1 and came back an hour or two later.

Fast forward again to now: DH is due to work late Saturday night, will be out of the house 1800-0000. So I decided to invite said friend over and another one of our friends for a takeaway. Knowing it's he only opportunity I can have her in the house.

Today it transpires that his shift is cancelled and I told him I had invited said friend over for a takeaway... We had a bit of an argument about it but waited until kids were in bed this evening. He's basically saying now that she's not even allowed to come into the house when he's not there.

He's really digging his heels in about it. He's been quite nasty and angry about it all saying he will chuck her out if she's ever here. But my point is he wouldn't be here. I've said to him.i will cancel her coming round tomorrow as his shift is cancelled but wanted to clear the air about anything in future. I.e. in 10 years time when the DDs are older and I wanted a girly dinner party with my friends if DH is on a late/night shift, I now basically am not allowed to invite said friend round. I can invite all the others just not her.

Aibu to argue the point that I should be able to invite whoever I want in the house if he's not there ? Or am I being selfish and not sticking up for DH?

If you've got this far congratulations 😂

[ArabellaScott]

Sorry, YANBU, at all. Your husband, however, is VVU.

[SoulofanAggron]

You don't even have to argue the point that you can see your friend. You just can. End of.

He sounds controlling in all sorts of ways and stroppy.

He couldn't care less whether I was seeing her every week outside the home.... So it can't be control can it? It's unreasonable and ridiculous and hurting for me... But I can't label it as control?

Yes it is, he's controlling who you can invite to your home. For him to try and ban her when he isn't even there is ridiculous.

[PinkiOcelot]

God how childish is he?! I’d be telling him to grow the fuck up!

[Smidwifes]

@WaltzingBetty

I do however question what Mumsnet would say if I was posting from his perspective ....

I'm pretty sure his perspective is that he's always right.

Does he ever:
Apologise when wrong
Compliment you
Support you in achieving your goals
Actively parent your DD and support her development as a person (not a mini cook/cleaner)
Talk to you and listen to your thoughts and opinions
Share decision-making and ask for your input

?

Does he ever:
Apologise when wrong - 50:50.... Not so much lately tho. He'll apologise if he's said something stupid like the other day he moaned I got the wrong thing for him and he apologised . But big arguments for us go on for days and he rarely apologises

Compliment you - not really.

Support you in achieving your goals - yes he does. He supported me getting a degree, and subsequently working. However since DDs arrived, he did want me to take a career break which I refused to do which caused a problem for a while.


Actively parent your DD and support her development as a person (not a mini cook/cleaner) . He's not too bad tbf. He's actively interested in her education and reads with her and was great during lockdown. He can be quite strict tho and isn't so protective of her emotions

Talk to you and listen to your thoughts and opinions - that really depends on what we are talking about.

Share decision-making and ask for your input - yes he does

[Potterpotterpotter]

Jesus Christ... she made a joke.

Is he always this far up his own ass?

It’s both of your house. You should be able to have whoever you like over. Tell him to grow up.

[Boulshired]

Most people have people in their lives that they are not keen on, when serious I would expect my partner to understand and support. Your DH comes across as an “all or nothing” kind of person. What happens when he dislikes your DCs friends? Will one child be allowed friends but the other not because he does like their choice.

[DollyDoneMore]

@Smidwifes

Justmuddlingalong

He has no problems me seeing her whenever I want to, just not in our house. He wouldn't give a toss if I went to her house.....

So I can't really label this as distancing or control

Yes, you can.

It’s your house. She’s your friend. It is completely unreasonable for him to dictate who you can meet anywhere, let alone in your house.

[WaltzingBetty]

Ok do basically as long as you're doing things he considers valuable then he'll be a decent partner (education etc) but he overlooks what is important to others (doesn't apologise, doesn't consider DD's emotional well-being), and whenever your choices actively differ from his (career break, friend choices,) his support is withdrawn and you're 'punished' with sulking.

Yep. Classic controlling behaviour. It usually progresses and gets worse after pregnancy/children.
Be very aware OP.
It'll be a slow slide to start with -like the lack of apologising when he used to. Other things will follow.

[LadyMinerva]

I think he is being way too harsh but can kind of see his point of view. Perhaps he feels that you both laugh about him behind his back and that is causing feelings of disrespect and humiliation?

You are meant to be partners, a team. And I don't think anyone would like to have their partner laughing at them behind their back.

[notapizzaeater]

My DH doesn't like my best friend and I dont like her DH but we are always always polite around one another. I dint expect to pick my DH friends nor do I expect him to choose mine.

[ColleagueFromMars]

Jesus she made a nothing comment and he has completely over reacted!

My issue with this is that that's a totally disproportionate response that impacts you quite a bit. He's not much of a grown up of he cant have a sensible conversation and be open to the possibility of compromise over something that is ultimately such a tiny slight thing that happened.

He does not sound like a very nice man.

[Ditheringdooley]

I think the indoctrination/ controlling comments are a bit much.

He doesn’t like her and her comments bruised his ego. It’s fair enough he doesn’t want her in his home but as you have made plans And covid means you can’t just go to the pub together, it’s fair enough for him to just take himself off for a little while this time.

Show him you understand but she is your friend and you want a catch up for a short time. She won’t be a regular visitor and when the world is more normal you will see her outside.

It’s a toughie but i don’t think he is being that irrational. We often take against people that are friends of our partners if we think they are threats to our relationship/ try to undermine us.

[WaltzingBetty]

@LadyMinerva

I think he is being way too harsh but can kind of see his point of view. Perhaps he feels that you both laugh about him behind his back and that is causing feelings of disrespect and humiliation?

You are meant to be partners, a team. And I don't think anyone would like to have their partner laughing at them behind their back.

But he's not a team player in other areas either. And this situation arose directly because he was being critical of his DW
So why should she be held to a standard he doesn't meet himself.

If he's a duck, then it's reasonable she should vent to her friend. If he finds that humiliating, he should try not being a dick

[Devlesko]

Eh?
If my dh said this to me I'd laugh, isn't it your home?
You are living in a dictatorship, you married your master, you are but a slave

[Comtesse]

He sounds like a big old bully. Why IS he so insecure and brittle??

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

He shouldn’t be giving you orders! Not about who you can invite into your home, not about what housework you should do, not about anything. Outrageous bullying. This isn’t the 19th century.

[crimsonclover]

My brothers partner makes the rules about who is welcome in their house - basically no-one. The result is that over the course of many years he has entirely lost his relationship with his family and friends - he has zero support network. This was how it started. Be careful.

[gurglebelly]

He's being a total knob. Since when was he appointed family dictator? Can you refuse to have people close to him in the house if they make an off the cuff comment you don't like?

[Justmuddlingalong]

My exH hated my best friend. I think it was because she had the measure of him and he knew she'd help and support me when I eventually left the bastard. He was right, she did.

[Thurmanmurman]

You've been told he's a dick. You deny he's a dick, why bother posting? Honestly you both sound like hard work.

[gurglebelly]

He has no issues speaking his mind or being an arsehole about something

Yet if someone makes a slightly misguided joke at his expense, they should be banished forever?

[HannaYeah]

She made a shitty, disrespectful joke, involving a marital argument to his little girl, at her birthday in his house.

Next he’s supposed to not be in his own house so she can come over?

I wouldn’t want her in my house if I were him either.

He’s not saying you shouldn’t be her friend, but I don’t think anyone should tolerate people who speak about them with disdain in their house.

[MomToTwoBabas]

He sounds very controlling.... why is he allowed to tell you who you can see. Crazy abusive.

[Justmuddlingalong]

Next he’s supposed to not be in his own house so she can come over?
That's not the case, the OP's post states He's basically saying now that she's not even allowed to come into the house when he's not there.

[Nancydrawn]

Christ above.

She made a lame joke years ago about the fact that he was being an asshole. (He was.) This is a massive over-reaction on his part.

He doesn't sound like an easy man to live with. (Wtf was the fight about you working when the kids were born about?) Above and beyond everything else, I'd hate to live with someone who held a grudge so long over something so small.