Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

[Strawberrydaiquiris]

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day

Am I being unreasonable?

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

I'd ask her to contribute to groceries. You're housing her, and not charging bills. She has minimal outgoings and a job. She's an adult. She can pay towards groceries.

If she is being selfish in terms of portions and taking more than her fair share, you need to point it out.

Driving lessons and Christmas presents are a separate issue and you and your DH need to talk privately about that to decide on what to do.

I'm amazed she's gone back to such immature ways after living alone for so long. She's a full grown woman with a job, she needs to pay her way. Why would she move out when shes got it so cushy now?
Ftr I'm the same age as her, moved out at 18. Never had or expected a penny from either parent and would never dream of helping myself to all the food if I was staying over.

YANBU. I would start charging her some for groceries, to make up for everything she’s eating. It might make her a bit more mindful, but if not it at least means you have a bit more money coming in to pay for it!

Two separate issues, really. The food is ridiculous. If she can't eat moderately, I'd be clearing a shelf in the cupboard and fridge and telling her to do her own food shopping. Obviously she won't like it, but it might stop her eating everything in sight.

Re the driving lessons, if you're planning on paying for your younger two when they're 17, does it make any difference that you're paying for hers when she's 25, regardless of her current employment status?

She needs to pay for her own food and driving lessons. She's the one who's tight, not you.

She needs to pay keep for the food costs at least, she isn't paying her way which you agreed to but this is the main issue that the others stem from imo. Don't discuss driving lessons gift with her, she gets what she gets and that's it.

Keep your expensive stuff in your room if she doesn't tone the use down.

I wouldn’t have an issue with the driving lessons, and your husband offered.

Address the issue which is ask her to contribute to food

I suspect the real issue here is you don’t want her there.

I'm 25 and I'd been ashamed of myself if i was your daughter and would refusing any more help from my parents than necessary let alone accepting hundreds of pounds for Christmas as an adult. If she's found work now, i'd be asking when she's planning to get back on her feet properly and leave.

@HollowTalk

She needs to pay for her own food and driving lessons. She's the one who's tight, not you.

Her husband offered to pay, it’s a bit shit to say she should have refused.

YANBU. I'm paying two sets of school fees plus the rest of the bills after DH lost his job. We're also fortunate in that we have savings and I earn well, but like everyone else, we've had to tighten our belt, it's just sensible isn't it when you're a wage down. She should realise this - my DC of 8 & 10 understand that whilst dad isn't working, we need to cut down on takeaways, dinners out, and if they lose a school blazer/sports equipment it won't be automatically replaced. DS understands it's selfish to eat an entire packet of biscuits at the moment.

YANBU. She needs to pay board. I paid my mum £250pm at that age and brought food home regularly for the family.

Why did DH say he’d pay for the driving lessons without checking with you, especially aa finances are tight an you’re not working? I think he needs to tell it’s not going to be possible.

I know every family is different but I paid for my own driving lessons at 18!

What's the age differences between her and your dc with DH?
Did she want to move out at 19?

I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut

You really grudge her don’t you? Do you understand why? Is she a reminder of your past? Not part of your new little family? You basically describe her as spoilt and selfish.

You are not being tight. She sounds v self centred not to consider that you don’t have a job at the moment and money might be tight. I wouldn’t have dreamed of behaving like that at her age. Also the most my parents have probably spent on bdays or Xmas since I turned 18 is £30! I think you need to lay out how much groceries cost and come up with a contribution - also does she not feel bad she’s eaten all the little kids treats like Nutella?

I agree, two issues.

1. running household
2. driving lessons

we are financially much tighter than you, but we did give ds driving lessons for his 17, and we worked with him to make sure he got his licence. I think it is important. I think also your dh comment about 'we will do it for the younger dc' is actually pretty cool, he is seeing them as all you joint responsibility.
But we had a limit for ds, and he was expected to put some of his saturday wages towards any further lesson, basically we had a joint plan.

The household stuff. Not On. basically I would be really cross with this. If I make a casserole, hands off, it is for dinner. She and you need to be clear on what is for nibbles and what isn't and if she eats the dinner, then tomorrow she goes out and buys and cooks the equivalent.

Your make-up/shampoo? hands off, buy your own.

I think as the driving lessons have been promised, you shouldn't go back on that. Moving forwards, I agree that £400 is ridiculous for a present so you need to decide with your DH what to do there.

I agree that she could be asked to contribute to groceries and keep your nice products out of the way.

YANBU. I had driving lessons at 25 and paid for them myself despite being skint, and I'm close to my mum and she's not struggling for money. Have you openly spoken to her about money? My DP has a similar attitude to his parents, assumes they've got bottomless money because of their assets.

Wow a quick response!

I think the eating is because where she living abroad they reduced her wages massively and she was living off cereal ( I was sending money at this point) then she finally came home there was full cupboards and she couldn’t help herself. But it’s getting a bit too much now.

Regarding the driving lessons I guess it sticks in my throat a bit that she’s working and not far off being 30. I’m having carefully budget everything so I feel like it’s a bit of a piss take the expectation but to be fair dh put it out there first. Dh is a bloody idiot with money that’s why I have to budget everything.

@Reclinehard

YANBU. I had driving lessons at 25 and paid for them myself despite being skint, and I'm close to my mum and she's not struggling for money. Have you openly spoken to her about money? My DP has a similar attitude to his parents, assumes they've got bottomless money because of their assets.

I have spoken to her about our financial situation and she knows I lost my job. It’s probably why it’s pissing me off so much tbh.

Well she’s family so if you have to go back on the driving lessons, do it.

However I don’t think you should pay for driving lessons at 17 for other dc either.

This is why they’re so entitled, you and DH are giving them things they should do for themselves!

You’re not being unreasonable to have a rant but now you need to manage the situation so it changes.

Suggest that as she’s living rent free and used to doing her own shopping she now sorts her own breakfast and lunches as it’s becoming problematic for you not knowing what’s in stock in the fridge.

Obviously all sit down to one dinner meal but any spare is dished you for the freezer immediately as dinner is served...

Let her purchase her own Nutella and snacks so you know what’s in stock

She needs to take some responsibility. I'd make a list of how much extra her grocery consumption is and make her pay it. If she doesn't take some responsibility now, she'll forget how to and never leave. This is for HER good as well as yours.

The driving lessons will be a Christmas present, early or otherwise. But she doesn't get them until she takes responsibility as above.

Oh and living with an adult Dd is not easy, especially when they’ve left and come back. You have my sympathy, but talk to her and communicate your concerns & worries

Doesn't matter really what she's eating or which of your products she's using – calling you 'tight' when you're supporting her is incredibly rude.

If she's learned a certain lifestyle that she now doesn't have access to, it'll be hard for her to learn to tighten her own purse strings and ways of living, but it's an important lesson.

As is not biting the hand that feeds you.

You're well within your rights to expect an attitude shift – and at her age, a loving but very frank conversation would be a strong starting point.

Did eldest dd go to fee paying school?

Have you sat her down and explained your budget?