Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

[Strawberrydaiquiris]

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day

Am I being unreasonable?

Either tell her to buy her own food or contribute to the shopping budget. She also needs to contribute to the bills. If she argues with this then tell her to move out. She's 25 ffs, not a baby.
The driving lessons should be regarded as a present from your husband, seeing as he promised them to her.

Look, stop wringing your hands. She's an adult and has adulted so knows how life works. She needs to pay her keep, the end.

Stop pussyfooting around the matter. She's not a little kid.

@billybagpuss

I can’t imagine any mum begrudging food expenses for their child while paying private school fees for two younger kids

She’s not begrudging feeding her,, she’s begrudging her eating bloody everything in sight. I have 2 young adults living with me and there’s nothing worse than planning the weekly food and it’s all gone within 2 days, you buy more and they just eat more there’s still nothing left by Wednesday.

God yes!

Also, surely surely she can stomach the driving lessons being an early xmas present at her age. You can just buy her a couple of books to open on the day if you want her to have something to open.

The OP isn’t obliged to compensate her now adult DD for the childhood her other children have. People’s circumstances change, that’s life.

She is 25 and needs to grow the fuck up and stop behaving like a spoiled entitled brat. And she needs to be paying rent...

Why on earth are people expecting the OP, as a teenage mum, to have paid for private education for her daughter? It's obvious the OP has done her best for all of her children. None of us would want our adult children to come home when we're out of work and start eating absolutely everything and using our possessions, when they are working themselves.

Low carb is a really expensive way to eat! That's why she's picking at the meat when it's for everyone. I would put her portion and tell her that, but also if she were contributing to the cost then her buying some more specific foods she really likes (high protein, low carb) would be reasonable too. You can't just eat everyone else's meat non-stop and leave none for their dinners or lunch!

I would charge her for food and she has to recognise that others need to eat as well. She's probably finding it a bit odd being back. If you are paying for the others driving lessons (however, many) then that should stand.

This thread is just sad.

I can’t imagine my mother bitching about my eating habits to an online forum.

I do think large presents and things like driving lessons should stop once they are working adults. But begrudging them a jar of Nutella? Buy two jars fgs. Then say “oi, DD, stop eating all the snacks”. Low-carbing is obviously making her hungry - perhaps talk to her about her diet kindly and without judgement.

You're not being right. However you said she could live with you, expense free. Therefore her eating you out of house and home is something that you could have expected. You need to sit her down and just explain that with the amount she's eating, you unfortunately cannot keep up with the costs of food shopping so she'll need to contribute financially or provide her own food.
Driving lessons: why are you willing to pay for your children with your husband, but not your eldest? Whether she's 17, 25 or even 50 you're treating her differently to your other children. Why?

Those are bleeding awful eating habits. Is she worried about eating in front of people?

To an outsider - from your description of things - it looks like by taking half the dinner etc she is taking what she feels she didn't get as a kid that her half siblings are now getting. I'm not saying she's right to do that and she may not even know she's doing it.

I'm sure it's difficult for all of you but I do sympathise with her a bit. She must feel like an outsider in her mum's family even if she is 25 (which is by the way nowhere near 30). Many 40 year olds find it difficult when their parents remarry.

I'm sure you don't feel differently about your new kids than you do about her but you might want to find a way to tell her that. Lots of talking I reckon.

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

Thebell using savings to buy capable adults Christmas presents is a mugs game........my savings are reserved for emergency. I don't class Christmas as an emergency, especially when the most demanding person is an adult themselves.

I agree. Dh is bad with money so I have to budget. I hate telling him how much I’ve got in the savings account as he sees it as money to blow on a new tv/holiday so he used to call me controlling however he’s changed his tune since lockdown I lost my job and his work became uncertain. That money is our security not for extra Christmas presents.

I don't understand the issue with the Driving lessons, now at 25 or as an adult at 18/19 what difference does it make? It's hardly mind blowing the wealthy parents help their 25 year olds out these days. Most people I know have had help with house deposits. Is the issue here more that will be the case for your younger two as this is the lifestyle they have come to expect. Maybe your eldest is just well aware of what will happen when they are 25, it is not her fault that there is a huge age gap.

@midlifecrash

Those are bleeding awful eating habits. Is she worried about eating in front of people?

Absolutely not

Did you send you her private school? Asking because you’re spending that on younger DC - I can see that would feel unfair.

I find this one difficult. She needs to be better with groceries and thinking of others in the house - but she clearly feels some resentment over the amount you are paying toward you other children. You have disagreed with anyone who has mentioned that so far so you clearly don't want to hear it - but it's true.

Those suggesting that the op charges rent, absolutely must not pay for the lessons etc clearly don't understand the complexities of 'second families' where the latter has a much better life.

FIL had a second family when DH was a teen. They're in private school whilst FIL resents buying DH a drink. It can be accepted that circumstances change in terms of the education, larger house etc. but it really does look ridiculous when you're spending 20/30k on school fees for one whilst resenting buying the other food. I think it's okay to ask for a contribution but don't go to the extreme. If you take it to the extreme resentment builds and the relationship is ruined in the long term.

I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep

Well, that was a mistake, but not a permanent one. Tell her that you now realise you can't afford for her to pay nothing towards expenses. Work out how much more she is costing you, and charge at least part of that.

Make sure you dish up meals and no one helps themselves to seconds until everyone is ready.

It's really selfish of her to eat the little ones' treats.

Just get some cheap token gifts for Christmas so she has something to open, but make it clear that the driving lessons are her main present.

@Goldenbear

I don't understand the issue with the Driving lessons, now at 25 or as an adult at 18/19 what difference does it make? It's hardly mind blowing the wealthy parents help their 25 year olds out these days. Most people I know have had help with house deposits. Is the issue here more that will be the case for your younger two as this is the lifestyle they have come to expect. Maybe your eldest is just well aware of what will happen when they are 25, it is not her fault that there is a huge age gap.

We’re not ‘wealthy’. We were comfortable whilst I was working - but I lost my job and I’m seriously having to watch the pennies.

I think it’s because I never even got offered driving lessons of my parents or didn’t even think to ask for them. I did offer dd when she was younger but she said no. She’s working now with next to no outgoings so she can afford them herself - especially as she knows I’m having to watch money.

We are no where near wealthy enough to give deposits for houses to anyone.

As a Mother I would not feel it was an obligation to help her out, I'd want to. You have to be fair with all your children and this doesn't look fair to me.

@Princessposie

Did you send you her private school? Asking because you’re spending that on younger DC - I can see that would feel unfair.

OP was a single teen mum, how do you suppose she managed that?

when she gets in she ‘low carbs’ ( so basically grazing on protein till about 8pm then raids the cupboards looking for sweet stuff.

Cakes, biscuits, and nutella - all loaded with carbs!

Suggest she fills up on veg instead.

I don't think it's just about the money. Eating more than your fair share so there isnt enough left for everyone else who lives in the house is actually rude and selfish and must be extra work and hassle for you

She can have the driving lessons as they have been promised but they will have to used as Xmas presents. Every year I tell myself I have to cut down.

I will absolutely be like this with my other two.