Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

[Strawberrydaiquiris]

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day

Am I being unreasonable?

@TheDuchessofMalfy

My Mum did (and stilldoes at 72!) resent her younger sibling who was 15 years younger, even though it was in fact the older two who went private and the younger dsis to state school.

So anything is possible!

Why? Although I think jealousy if the youngest child by the middle child is pretty common.

Different country but same principle for DD15 I am paying for 1/2 her driving lessons. GPs have contributed as has 1 uncle.

I'd change the basic offer. And I'd have a general conversation with everyone in the house over the age of 10 about money and living costs. In fact we've always done this.

Wage vs costs. And then I'd ask where they think savings should come from. Who should go without.

Your DD needs a serious kick up the arse. Shockingly entitled.

I feel bad for you OP, you are getting an unreasonably hard time on here. 🌺

Private school though...I mean, where I live that's circa £10k per term...I do find it a bit off if you're upset about her eating too much meat out of your casserole while you're paying for private educarion, which is a large luxury

Would she be better in the evenings if she took a sensible packed lunch to work? I know she is an adult but you could suggest it.

Also, maybe buy less of the sweet stuff in total as it would cut the expense and be good for everyone’s health.

10 years ago I moved back in with my parents for a year when I was ill and out of work. I was on disability benefits and my parents wouldn't take any keep money off me. I did however pay for my share of the food out of my benefits and do housework and cooking as both my parents were working. My parents were good to me at christmas and birthday and spend about £75 on gifts for me which I thought was very generous.

I think your daughter is being pretty unreasonable especially about the food. If she is training everyday she needs to invest in protein powder and extra food for herself and contribute to the weekly shopping.

I don't see that the cost of a few jars of nutella would be very significant except in the poorest households. But if you have two dcs at private school I can see why money is now tight. She is very cheeky calling you mean. Explain things have changed now and you're not in a position to pay for extras at the present time. Cut down on birthday and Christmas presents this year.

I can see why she would resent her siblings having thousands spent on their education but not on her. If you haven't discussed it how would you know how she feels about it?

Why would you ask, 'who should go without', the reply might be, 'my siblings should go without their private school and go to a state one like I had to!'

Why? Although I think jealousy if the youngest child by the middle child is pretty common.

I think because it coincided with her leaving school and going out to work. Can’t say more in case she’s on here (unlikely but possible!)

Yanbu at all. This is a 25yo adult woman here. Not a teen just starting out. She may have lost her job, but has she lost her manners and consideration as well?
She should know well by now that you contribute. Whether it's your own home or not. And she most definitely should know that the driving lessons are her Xmas present!!

She is an adult so she needs to sit down with you and dh and have a discussion. She definitely needs to contribute- watch how quickly she will scale back on her eating habits.

Why did you bankroll her to stay working abroad as an adult? That’s not an adulting or independence on your Dd part at all is it..

If her job / salary was cut then why on earth didn’t she find another job or come back at that point? You’ve set a precedent right there do doing that.

Even considering dipping into your savings so that adult children have ‘something to open on Xmas day’ is indicative of the situation here.

These stuff reflects the fact you’ve help to creat an entitled adult child who you’re seemingly afraid to confront.

I would be really upset if my mother went online to complain that I was eating too much .

This is really immature of you . She should be paying some housekeeping money, but you should just have an adult conversation with her, not complain about her here.

I agree that you're getting a hard time on here, unfairly. To all those going on about private school RTHT! The op has said she's been sending her hundreds every month, it probably works out about the same as school fees plus she's not paying any keep. That's probably saving her thousands too.

As for the food, I have an adult ds who does this and he doesn't even live with me! He comes to stay and raids the fridge when I'm asleep and it drives me nuts. I tolerate it because I only see every 6 weeks or so, but if was here full time I wouldn't stand for it.

I think you've been very patient op, time to get tough

Honestly I think if you step back you envy how she has it at 25 when you worked yourself to the bone for her at that age.
She has never wanted for anything and you've ensured that but even now as an adult when you've had to work for everything you have she doesn't have to work for it. She's tiding over enjoying a high standard of living.
You're budgeting away and she doesn't have to.
Your husband sounds lovely.
You sound very inspiring, but it sounds like you need a treat or to be spoiled more than she does right now

@StraffeHendrik

Sidetrack but -

Could she have an eating disorder? It sounds a bit like it, binge eating alone and then down the gym all morning....

That’s what I was thinking. It sounds like she is taking in a very high volume of food. If that’s not an issue then she is clearly eating as a distraction — from stress, anxiety, depression or simply boredom. It’s a lot less exciting being home with little siblings than doing your dream job abroad. BUT this is her situation right now and she needs to learn to deal with it without imposing even further on you.

It sounds like your DD has fallen into old patterns of being home and you taking care of her. It sounds like you have been a caring and generous mom including quite recently but you may have unwittingly helped foster a sense of entitlement. When she’s come home to see you over the years you probably graciously catered to her and let her indulge in whatever treats she wanted because it was a special occasion to have her around. That is all completely normal but it’s not the case right now. She needs to get out of the mindset that you are her mummy and in your home she is a child, and like a child she doesn’t see you with empathy as a whole person. You told her about your job but she doesn’t seem to think it has anything to do with her.

So you need to talk to her. You could try a family meeting where you AND your DH tell everyone about you all have to tighten your belts as things are tight ATM and the grocery bill has gotten out of hand. But it sounds like it’s not JUST about the money, it’s also about her being inconsiderate toward the rest of the family. Even if she pays you for the extra expenses you would still be making more casserole, opening the cabinet to an empty jar of Nutella, and running to the store last minute to get biscuits for your other children. That will require a more direct discussion. But hou have to do it. She probably has no idea how you feel — that’s of course part of the problem — and with time this could lead to further resentment and deterioration of your relationship with her.

She’s taking advantage.

Seems more about her being inconsiderate than the money, as you've sort of enabled that by saying she doesn't have to pay her way? Feels like she needs to hear no a lot more, rather than saying yes and then backtracking, it sends a really confusing message. The food is your time and effort and the more she eats the more time and effort you have to put in, so maybe just focus on that. She can contribute to groceries and go to the shops to get them (might stop her ripping through that much nutella...). Maybe put her in charge of a few meals a week so she can understand how much effort it is cooking for that many people when it doesn't go far.

Side note but that seems like food might be a bit of an emotional thing with her too? That's a lot of sugar and picking at food? I get she probably needs the calories if she's going to the gym that much, but she maybe needs to be responsible for her own cupboard of snacks - perhaps she could get some advice re: more filling options that will help her workouts that aren't your leftovers?!

@juicyjuiceu

Those suggesting that the op charges rent, absolutely must not pay for the lessons etc clearly don't understand the complexities of 'second families' where the latter has a much better life.

FIL had a second family when DH was a teen. They're in private school whilst FIL resents buying DH a drink. It can be accepted that circumstances change in terms of the education, larger house etc. but it really does look ridiculous when you're spending 20/30k on school fees for one whilst resenting buying the other food. I think it's okay to ask for a contribution but don't go to the extreme. If you take it to the extreme resentment builds and the relationship is ruined in the long term.

Dd1 hasn’t spent a penny whilst she’s been here. She gets treated like the other dc when we are eating out or ordering take aways, when we go food shopping she puts what she wants in the trolly.

But at what point do you stop relying on your parents to pay for everything? As an adult I’d never let my parents pay for me - I pay for them.

The dc have got another 14 years in school. By your way of thinking that means dd1 should be nearly 40 by the time I have to stop paying for every thing.

For future reference all offers should be time limited. So driving lessons are paid up until you are employed.

I've said I will pay a return plane ticket for DCs to travel in the year before Uni. That is the only time the offer is available. They will need to work to cover other costs.

School fees = hundreds a month, not really! Equally, if you are in a position to pay school fees, you would be in a position to pay uni fees, no exactly, shock horror 19+ receives a few hundred a month to live!

I dont think it's about her going to the gym so "needing the calories " eating a full jar of nutella to yourself in 3 days is greedy and selfish. She's enjoying the luxuries of eating your expensive food and using your expensive toiletries but not having to buy any of it herself. It's what youd expect from a 16 year old. God shes 25, she needs to act like it and you need to set her straight. So what that she didnt get as much money spent on her when she was younger, there was less money available and she was hardly poor, shes not owed an equal amount of money to siblings that are 18 years younger than her. She was offered driving lessons at 18, didnt want them, 10 for christmas is a generous gift for an adult but the rest is her own responsibility as an adult.

My SIL is the same age as your daughter and similarly moved back in with parents for lockdown. She's earning but not a lot. My in-laws dont ask her to pay for her keep, but periodically they have asked her to pay for a big grocery shop or the occasional bill as her way of contributing. Could you try that?

Separately, I wanted to say it sounds like you have a super DH who is trying to be a great stepdad to your daughter. People don't often compliment husbands on this site, so I'm giving credit where it's due.

You need to sit down and talk to her, like an adult.
Explain the food situation and either ask for housekeeping or that she buys her own.

Regarding Christmas, give her the 10-block lesson now, but set the expectation of one or two low-cost items on Christmas morning (e.g. a book and bath bombs). If she wants any more, she is living at home rent-free and can pay for it.

Don't feel bad about course-correcting. It's a new way of living and you are allowed to budget, adjust and talk about it.

I would also set an iron rule with DH to talk to you first before offering things to the kids, if only to ensure it's fair.

Those eating habits don’t seem healthy to me. Could she be bulimic?