Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

[Strawberrydaiquiris]

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day

Am I being unreasonable?

I can’t imagine my mother bitching about my eating habits to an online forum

Nor me and I would be incredibly hurt, imagine being begrudged the extra food cost whilst your siblings were getting thousands of pounds spent a year in schooling.

If she had far less in childhood then i would be ensuring I could try and equal it out now so there’s no resentment between siblings. However I wouldn’t have chosen the path of private school knowing I didn’t do it for her.

If your children go to fee paying schools it goes without saying that you're 'wealthy'. My point about the house deposits is that 'adults' do and always have been helped out by their parents. You referred earlier to your parents helping you out by indulging your eldest. As a single mum you were still an adult, maybe it is the right thing to pay for something for her. It doesn't sound like she went to uni and you had to help there either so what's the big deal.

She needs to do her own grocery shopping or contribute to the costs of food. Driving lessons I would let go.

I think budget restraints should be for everyone and not just her, but she could contribute as not earning - so set Xmas expectations low for everyone, no one eats more than their share, everyone does chores. However, she is going to feel resentful of their school fees so paying her driving lessons seems a good idea.

Why not say you will pay for say a dozen lessons or so and see how she does?then you will pay for her test maybe as well .Also I think maybe she has been abroad and been hungry so maybe cut her some slack.As far as the beauty products go I would keep them in my wardrobe if possible .TBH I think you are being very fair as she doesnt have to pay any keep.Maybe speak to her ,and say that as shes been there X amount of time maybe think about a contribution of £100/£150 something like that ? to go towards food costs! She is an Adult ,so presumably she has a good appetite .I think your food now has to stretch between 3 Adults and 2 DC ,and will probably increase by at least half! Probably telling her she doesnt have to pay keep may have led her to believe you are better off than you really are!

@Goldenbear

As a Mother I would not feel it was an obligation to help her out, I'd want to. You have to be fair with all your children and this doesn't look fair to me.

I’d say sending up to £400 a month so she can live and eat whilst in another country ^is* helping out.

I just expect that as an working adult she should be able to take food from the cupboard with out eating it all. There is five of us in the house.

She needs to be contributing for groceries at least. I'm only a year older than her and would expect to pay a small rent + contribute to food if I moved back in with my parents. I'd also be gobsmacked to receive so much for my birthday (but then my family tend to focus more on Christmas for presents).

Tell her she needs to start coughing up for food, that her selfish eating habits are not on, and she either gets driving lessons paid for OR other Christmas gifts, not both.

At the end of the day she is an adult, I think you need to sit her down and have an adult conversation with her, explain that you led her to believe things were fine financially because you didn’t want her to worry but actually they are not fine and you are having to carefully budget to get everything paid.
Christmas is going to be tight and you are trying to put money aside but you are definitely going to have to cut back.

Tell her you will happily pay for driving lessons when you have found another job and things are better financially but at the moment it’s just not realistic.

Discuss the food situation, tell her exactly how you feel, tell her she will need to start contributing if it doesn’t stop.

And have a serious word with your DH about making financial commitments without discussion, that would really bother me more than anything.

A nice drip feed you've been sending her £400 a month? Obviously that changes the dynamic

If she’s eating that much, then more needs to be cooked, but she should be cooking regularly and contributing to the food budget, & helping with shopping / housework. Don’t let her use your personal stuff! Talk to her about this and explain your financial position.

If your DH has offered to pay for driving lessons, then I think that’s a lost battle, let him!

@ErickBroch

A nice drip feed you've been sending her £400 a month? Obviously that changes the dynamic

I did say way up thread I was sending hundreds to her a month.

You're not unreasonable. As her for a contribution towards groceries and tell her she must buy her own toiletries. That is reasonable.

It's not 'begrudging' food, it's realising when someone is being greedy.

We were a household of 8 growing up with limited funds and we didn't always eat at the same time. When getting a plate of food, we always asked mum how many people do I need to leave portions for, and she would shout back 2 or 3 or whatever, and we respected that. It's being a family and being considerate of each other. OP's dd is taking half the pot for herself!

'Ask' not 'As'.

I agree with all of those who says there are two issues - the driving lessons and the food. I think it’s fine for the lessons to be limited in number and for Xmas - maybe not the same but mine at 17 were a birthday present, not just on top.

Re the food, I just knew it would involve low carb! It is a really expensive way to eat as people have said. She should be paying some board as she is working, at least towardS groceries but also I’d say bills.

It reminds me a little of when we had au pairs who were that age, although of course they were working for me, and all meals were part of the deal. You Dd is in a slightly different situation as she is working and earning elsewhere - but of course an au pair would be treated like an adult Dd (in so far as wouldn’t be weird).

They used to do things like picking all the meat out of a casserole too, if I let them serve themselves, so I had to serve everyone’s food so everyone got a general helping. And going through all the snacks and easy food is familiar. We had a male au pair who was such a gym bunny and even he understood that additional “special” food (entire packets of smoked salmon in a sitting for example) needed to be his own separate purchases.

Another thing I would do is if something is disappearing really fast, I’d switch to the economy brand, if you’re not getting that already.

Things like snacks and treats can be divided up between the members of the family as soon as they are bought and put in each person’s treat box. Sounds a bit prescriptive for a family but it can be the only way it works (I haven’t ever done this but it’s an idea I’ve seen).

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I can’t imagine my mother bitching about my eating habits to an online forum

Nor me and I would be incredibly hurt, imagine being begrudged the extra food cost whilst your siblings were getting thousands of pounds spent a year in schooling.

If she had far less in childhood then i would be ensuring I could try and equal it out now so there’s no resentment between siblings. However I wouldn’t have chosen the path of private school knowing I didn’t do it for her.

Dd1 had a great childhood. She wanted for nothing. She went on skiing trips with the school, abroad holidays and a nice home and clothes. Myself and her GP made sure she had the best of everything. She absolutely did not have a ‘less childhood’

The only difference is the dc go to a fee paying school and I really don’t think she resents that either. She isn’t like that. Why would she resent her siblings which are 18 years younger than her?

What have you said to her about the amount of food she's eating?

I agree with PP that you should ask for money towards groceries from her, she's got a right cushty number at the moment & she needs to grow up a bit & pitch in

But they don't have, 'limited funds' as they send the youngest DC to fee paying schools.

It is inconsiderate to take all the casserole or something similar but due to effort not cost. Does she eat with you every night, doesn't she go out?

Ask her to pay 1/4 of the grocery bill. The more she eats the more she contributes.

My Mum did (and stilldoes at 72!) resent her younger sibling who was 15 years younger, even though it was in fact the older two who went private and the younger dsis to state school.

So anything is possible!

Nor me and I would be incredibly hurt, imagine being begrudged the extra food cost whilst your siblings were getting thousands of pounds spent a year in schooling.

But OP can't afford it! Should she piss away her savings for an adult who has the money to buy her own food?!

It never works to set up living arrangements which leave one party feeling resentful.

In regard to the food, she either needs to pay some board or do her own low carb type shopping.

I would favour the approach of you and your dh doing for meals whatever you would normally do for yourself and younger children, plus a portion or enough for your eldest dd and anything outside that she buys herself tbh.

She probably doesn't resent young children but is probably envious of your treatment of them. So you did get help as an adult from your own parents to bring your child up.

The food wouldn't bother me and I do feel a bit sorry for her especially if she's slim and burning it all off that she's being bitched about for being hungry... BUT, I think she should be buying some groceries. You could do an online shop together or something and she can plan some meals and maybe even cook them for you all. She is an adult after all.

Borrowing your products...if it got to the point I was running out all the time, I would ask her to go and buy her own skin products etc so she can stop using yours.

I'd still pay for her driving lessons, but explain that since you lost your job, birthday presents in the future will not be as much as she is used to. She is an adult, with an income, so this shouldn't be a terrible shock to her tbh.

She doesn't sound the worst though. I know a guy who is 40 and back living with his dad, while he gets back on his feet. It happens unfortunately at the moment. Housing isn't cheap and people, especially those in their twenties, are definitely struggling at the moment, (I'm not in that age group btw, I'm older).

Honestly I think any young woman who left home at 19 and has always worked and has established herself abroad for some years would be perfectly able to accept both the idea of paying her way and of not getting the Christmas present she wanted.

I would bet my next pay packet that this has nothing to do with money or, really, selfishness on her part. Something else is going on for her emotionally with regards to your new family and her place in it. I think the reason you're not asking her about it is that you don't want to hear the answer. You certainly don't seem to want to even consider the idea on this thread.