Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

[Strawberrydaiquiris]

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day

Am I being unreasonable?

No you're not being tight.
She is a 25 year old working adult.
I wouldn't be paying for her driving lessons either with the disposable income she's got.
Also tell her the food is for everyone , not good.

She sounds pretty spoilt. She had a job but is living with you for free, expects hundreds spent on her for birthday and Christmas, and wants you both to pay her driving lessons! Not on!

Sidetrack but -

Could she have an eating disorder? It sounds a bit like it, binge eating alone and then down the gym all morning....

I imagine she’s looking back at her childhood with a teen mum and being practically raised by gp and comparing that with the wealthy lifestyle you have going now, and either feels hard done by. When women have kids young (mum did) they often expect more of the child they have first - or blame them for the issues they had at the time. You must be doing a bit of that because I can’t imagine any mum begrudging food expenses for their child while paying private school fees for two younger kids. If you can’t afford the extra food then remove the kids from private school!

Two separate issues really.

Ask her for a monthly contribution towards the household expenses and also to be mindful of others.

Re driving lessons I'm of the opinion that DC should be treated equally regardless of age. Resentment builds if you don't. Any reason she didn't learn at 17 as you plan for the other DC?

She does sound very selfish and entitled, however you have allowed it to happen. Anyway it is time to reign it back in, I would start by insisting she needs to contribute at least to groceries.

I didn’t learn to drive until I was in my 20s and there is n way my parents would have paid for my lessons!

It's one thing paying for driving lessons when you're working full time and can afford to treat someone, but it's quite another thing if you are unemployed and broke.

She does sound a bit entitled and selfish about expecting gifts and troughing through the family's food! It's how I'd expect a teen to behave (and i would pull mine up pronto if they behaved like that).

The driving lessons though ... Your husband makes a fair point if the other kids will get lessons at 17. Why didn't she have them then? Driving is seen important life skill and parents should help with achieving if possible.

I think there's something going on where you're judging her by what it was like when you were her age (you were a single mum, I guess, and it was a struggle?) and so you're not seeing her as your child, like the other younger ones.

But in terms of driving lessons, treat them all the same, scrupulously.

For groceries and general attitude, treat her like an adult and have a sensible conversation.

But try not to come across as if you resent her, which it sounds a tiny bit as if you do at the moment. If you agreed she could live at home rent-free and eat your food, that's on you. She could be less selfish about it, yes, but don't treat her as second-class and not deserving of Nutella, for instance...

@juicyjuiceu

Two separate issues really.

Ask her for a monthly contribution towards the household expenses and also to be mindful of others.

Re driving lessons I'm of the opinion that DC should be treated equally regardless of age. Resentment builds if you don't. Any reason she didn't learn at 17 as you plan for the other DC?

OP says she was a teen mum so probably couldn’t afford it much for her eldest.

At this age I think you should be frank with her about finances - ask her to contribute to food as she is working . Driving lessons that’s harder - some people need loads - I recall the average is 1 per year of age , can she have a few then practise with you ?

I'm wondering if now she's living with you, she's seeing that the younger DC are being treated much differently to how she was, and feeling resentful. Did she get private education or much financial support once she'd moved out on her own at 19?

I think it's fine to charge board and/or make her buy her own food.

I think it would be fair to pay for driving lessons if you're planning to do this for the other DC, but equally fair to say you can't afford to do so just yet.

I think the driving lessons are a red herring. She definitely should be contributing to household and food, and obviously calling you tight is rude, but in regards to the lessons, you saying 'well the others will be 17 and not earning' - presumably had you paid for hers at 17 she also wasn't. That was your choice and if you are planning on paying for the others it is fair to pay for hers as well no matter her age. Once they are her age your other children may be working full time but you will have already paid for their lessons. It's not her fault you didn't back then unless there's a reason that didn't happen that you haven't mentioned.

I can see her point of view tbh. Did she also have private schooling?

I’m the much older step child and I’ll admit it does grate when I go back home and see how spoilt my younger siblings are in comparison to myself who always had a job and was provided with zero financial help.

As much as my parents claim we’re all the same, I very much feel like the outsider

She has been working and living independently so she knows the score about housekeeping. This is not just some inexperienced kid; she's old enough to be told the cold hard truth that you are on a very tight budget and she needs to help out in two ways. First, she must make some financial contribution to the domestic kitty, and second she has to stop gobbling the goodies like Billy Bunter.

She can perfectly well save up £10 a week towards driving lessons.

   As for DH buying  her driving lessons,  if that's what she wants for Xmas fine, but that is The Gift. No extras.

tell her you need to rethink her paying her way.. and tell her why OP, you sound pretty screwed on Lady, sit her down and explain all of the above to her. 🌺

If she's not overweight then she needs the food she's eating and as a household you need to bring more in if it's running out so quickly. She should be contributing to the costs and effort though, this is not all your job and expense. I think if you've offered driving lessons, that's what you should give. She may 'expect' presents too but other than a token one (perhaps from the other children?) she may have to learn this year that you don't get everything you want. It's nasty to call you tight and does show some massive immaturity but perhaps she was just having a bad day.

I feel and share your pain. Is she making work for you I’m the house as well?

I think for this to work you have to have a conversation, point out that the meat is not for general usage as you need it for the dc packed lunches, my dd 21 pays no rent as is saving for wedding and house deposit, her bf lives with us and pays a bit, but they buy all their own food, although I do have to hide some things. If things are running out that are not essential like Nutella don’t buy any more, (buy marmite instead much nicer and lasts longer) I do however get resentful when they leave the kitchen in a tip.

I agree with lots of posters already, you should honour the gift of the lessons but as a working adult she should be contributing to the food bill and not eating more than her share.

Chat with her and say that actually money isn't great right now, and you are eating lots etc, so pay £200 month board out of wages. That will cover the food costs and maybe a driving lesson or two

She's taking the piss.

My dd is 21 now and has her own income.......it's been made very clear that the days of big Christmases and piles of gifts are over as she can buy her own stuff. She'll get a main present of around £50 (( requested the new urban decay pallette, and eye liner and it comes with a free lipstick )) then she'll have a stocking and new PJ's.

DS is younger, he can't buy his own stuff yet so will have a bit more as it includes stuff he actually needs and can't buy himself. When he gets to dds age his spend will dwindle too.

I've been going without to make sure the DC don't miss out for years.......it's getting to be my time now. And that includes investing in myself. I refuse to go without to fund the lifestyle of a tax paying adult !

That sounds complex, OP.

As turnedouttoes alludes to, given she's fended for herself and she sees sib;wings with their DF at home and private education, it might be better to hide your resentment and think the groceries and driving lessons might be a tiny, temporary cost compared with your longer-term relationship. At least your DP is (over-compensating) trying to be fair rather than favouring his DC and stirring up trouble.

Good luck with the job-hunting.

@GrumpyHoonMain

I imagine she’s looking back at her childhood with a teen mum and being practically raised by gp and comparing that with the wealthy lifestyle you have going now, and either feels hard done by. When women have kids young (mum did) they often expect more of the child they have first - or blame them for the issues they had at the time. You must be doing a bit of that because I can’t imagine any mum begrudging food expenses for their child while paying private school fees for two younger kids. If you can’t afford the extra food then remove the kids from private school!

I was waiting for the ‘remove the dc from fee paying school’ jab.

Short answer is no. I’d sell the house first. Dh and I had dreadful schooling and education is a priority for us.

I’ve never blamed dd1 for being a young mum. I got pregnant on purpose, I wanted her. And also she wasnt ‘practically’ raised by her GP, I lived on my own since I was 16 and dd1 lived with me. GP were incredibly supportive but they didn’t raise her, that’s unfair to say when you don’t know the circumstances.

It’s also unfair to say you don’t know any mother that would be grudge her child food when I was actually sending hundreds a month to see her through whilst she was working in the middle east - so she could eat after they reduced her wages.

The money issue aside, her eating sounds out of control. A whole jar of Nutella in 3 days is ridiculous. She may not put on weight in the short term, but she will if she carries on eating like that.

As for the money, I think YABU about the driving lessons. She should be contributing to food and bills though.

It doesn't sound like she had a similar childhood to your young DC or that she went to a fee paying school, maybe she picks up on your resentment and feels left out and that you should want to do some things for her now you are clearly fairly wealthy.