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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

467 replies

Strawberrydaiquiris · 18/09/2020 12:27

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day Gin

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
CatSmith · 18/09/2020 13:16

Charge her ‘rent‘. About a third of her income is considered normal/acceptable.
Tell her not to eat lunchbox foods, they are needed!

Pay for half a dozen driving lessons. At around £25 each she’s getting £150 then wrap a few small bits to open on Christmas morning. Take back control. She’s a grown arsed adult! Not a teen.

Thisismytimetoshine · 18/09/2020 13:16

She sounds like a spoiled brat Hmm. Is there more to the eating thing than just greed, though? Eating enough for all of you is quite concerning.

Strawberrydaiquiris · 18/09/2020 13:18

@Waveysnail

Did eldest dd go to fee paying school?

Have you sat her down and explained your budget?

No she didn’t. There was no way I could have afforded it as a single parent. She went to a great school though out of the area I was lucky enough to get her a place at.

She knows about the financial situation as she knew about me losing my job but I also told her it’s not a bad situation as I have savings which tbh I probably shouldn’t have told her

OP posts:
justilou1 · 18/09/2020 13:19

How much is she contributing towards staying in your place? At 29, she is surely paying board.

BlueThistles · 18/09/2020 13:19

So OP's young children should lose their private school places because their 'working paying no keep' 25 year old half sister is ploughing through the food cupboard? oh dear I don't think that's a reasonable solution at all 🌺

billybagpuss · 18/09/2020 13:19

I can’t imagine any mum begrudging food expenses for their child while paying private school fees for two younger kids

She’s not begrudging feeding her,, she’s begrudging her eating bloody everything in sight. I have 2 young adults living with me and there’s nothing worse than planning the weekly food and it’s all gone within 2 days, you buy more and they just eat more there’s still nothing left by Wednesday.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/09/2020 13:19

I also wonder if she’s resentful that her half siblings are benefiting from a lifestyle she never had and now she’s being resented for eating and using toiletries in the family home.

I’d absolutely be paying her driving lessons if the others will have them paid for, why is she less deserving?

If she’s eating stuff you buy for the smaller dc then buy her her own stuff as well. Age is irrelevant, they are all your children.

thebellsofsaintclements · 18/09/2020 13:22

Yes you are being a bit tight. You won't dip into savings to buy a Xmas present for your daughter???

Did she go to private school? Did she get offered a full set of driving lessons when she was 17? I'm guessing not, so I can see how she would think you are favouring your children with the new partner, especially if she thinks you are loaded.

Maybe her 'selfishness' stems from that - she'll take what she can to make things fair (in her mind!)

MojoJojo71 · 18/09/2020 13:22

She’s an adult and she needs to pay her way. I’d expect her to contribute at least enough money to cover groceries and a share of utilities and expect her to pay for her own driving lessons. My DS is also treated like an adult when it comes to birthdays and Christmas, he gets a single gift costing no more than about £40-50, the days of spending hundreds on him for Christmas are over, he’s a grown up!

BlueThistles · 18/09/2020 13:23

I’d absolutely be paying her driving lessons if the others will have them paid for, why is she less deserving?

but she isn't a child anymore, she's an adult now earning her own wages with no outgoings 🌺

Strawberrydaiquiris · 18/09/2020 13:23

@Goldenbear

It doesn't sound like she had a similar childhood to your young DC or that she went to a fee paying school, maybe she picks up on your resentment and feels left out and that you should want to do some things for her now you are clearly fairly wealthy.
I don’t resent her far from it. I’m incredibly proud of her. She wants to move back in to the city centre ( where she lived before she went abroad) when she finds her line of work and I tried to talk her out of moving out. I love her being here.
OP posts:
BlueThistles · 18/09/2020 13:24

the private schooling is taking over the over eating 🌺

WearyandBleary · 18/09/2020 13:25

We have bought each DC a set of ten lessons for their 17th: they pay for themselves after that. Concentrated the mind... that’s probably not helpful though.

Is she overweight? If she’s comfort eating herself to an unhealthy weight I’d be pissed off. If she’s really hungry and not piling on pounds I wouldn’t begrudge her tbh.

Sounds awful though! Adult children are ARGH!

Strawberrydaiquiris · 18/09/2020 13:26

@thebellsofsaintclements

Yes you are being a bit tight. You won't dip into savings to buy a Xmas present for your daughter???

Did she go to private school? Did she get offered a full set of driving lessons when she was 17? I'm guessing not, so I can see how she would think you are favouring your children with the new partner, especially if she thinks you are loaded.

Maybe her 'selfishness' stems from that - she'll take what she can to make things fair (in her mind!)

If I give her the driving lessons now - she will absolutely expect presents at Xmas too and I’ll end up buying them as I’ll not have her opening nothing up at Xmas.

I did offer to pay for her driving lessons when she 18/19 but she didn’t want them as she was moving to the city centre and didn’t see the point of having a car and paying for up keep when she rarely left the area and I was hand to be a taxi

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2020 13:26

Stop tiptoeing around and tell her to buy her own food and set an amount she must contribute to the household bills.

She is massively taking the piss and you are being a mug. When you treat a 25 year old grown woman like a child, don't be surprised when they act like one.

Runningjump · 18/09/2020 13:27

Just tell her to replace something if she's eaten it or ask for money for groceries. It's not hard.

I feel for her. You've painted a very poor picture of her and I wonder how much can be taken at face value. She no doubt resents that your other kids are handed private education, driving lessons etc and yet she's scolded for eating some Nutella.

If you can afford to send two of your kids to private school and pay for their driving lessons then you can afford an extra jar of Nutella.

MojoJojo71 · 18/09/2020 13:28

No she didn’t. There was no way I could have afforded it as a single parent. She went to a great school though out of the area I was lucky enough to get her a place at.

Same here, my youngest is at an independent school but my eldest understands that I made sure that both of them have had the best education I could get for them at the time. I’ve been very honest with DS about the fact my circumstances now are very different to when he was younger.

HamishDent · 18/09/2020 13:28

I agree there may be some resentment there regarding the private schooling and differences in lifestyle. That said, things have changed and your DH Is providing a lot of that, not just you.

I think you need to have a conversation and find out where she’s coming from. The overeating I would be concerned about, but I do think the driving lessons are fair enough. Learning to drive is a milestone in everyone’s life and most people I know had at least some lessons paid for by their parents. Even my father paid for 6 lessons for me and he’s notoriously tight!

Ploughingthrough · 18/09/2020 13:29

I see both sides here. She is 25 so should have the self control to not eat you out of house and home. She's not a teenager.
However, I can see that she might feel less favoured if you will be paying for your younger DC to have driving lessons when they're older. Why can't she have this too? In addition, I suspect that at that stage in your life she wasn't able to benefit from private schooling, so she sees your and her siblings lifestyle as something to envy. It probably isn't the case, but your post comes across as quite resentful of her.

Strawberrydaiquiris · 18/09/2020 13:30

@WearyandBleary

We have bought each DC a set of ten lessons for their 17th: they pay for themselves after that. Concentrated the mind... that’s probably not helpful though.

Is she overweight? If she’s comfort eating herself to an unhealthy weight I’d be pissed off. If she’s really hungry and not piling on pounds I wouldn’t begrudge her tbh.

Sounds awful though! Adult children are ARGH!

No she’s not overweight. Just bad eating habits.

She goes to the gym early in the morning and has a protein shake. Then goes work and doesn’t eat anything. Then when she gets in she ‘low carbs’ ( so basically grazing on protein till about 8pm then raids the cupboards looking for sweet stuff.

OP posts:
WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 18/09/2020 13:31

Thebell using savings to buy capable adults Christmas presents is a mugs game........my savings are reserved for emergency. I don't class Christmas as an emergency, especially when the most demanding person is an adult themselves.

FreekStar · 18/09/2020 13:31

If she's slim and exercises a lot she obviously needs the calories. I don't think it's reasonable to ask her to eat less than she needs. However, it's sensible to ask her to contribute to groceries.

Tinacollada · 18/09/2020 13:31

Pffft tell her To pay her way.
How ridiculous

UnfinishedSymphon · 18/09/2020 13:32

@thebellsofsaintclements

Yes you are being a bit tight. You won't dip into savings to buy a Xmas present for your daughter???

Did she go to private school? Did she get offered a full set of driving lessons when she was 17? I'm guessing not, so I can see how she would think you are favouring your children with the new partner, especially if she thinks you are loaded.

Maybe her 'selfishness' stems from that - she'll take what she can to make things fair (in her mind!)

She's not a child, surely she realises the circumstances were different then, OP was a teen single parent!

she'll take what she can to make things fair well, at her age I'd have expected her to grow out of that

user27378 · 18/09/2020 13:32

I think you just need to be honest and upfront. 'Sorry if you think my reaction to the driving lessons was tight DD, we've had such a reduction in income that I'm really anxious about how we are going to pay for Christmas this year and lessons are much more expensive than what I had budgeted. Whilst I don't want to have to charge you rent, I've been worrying because our food bill has gone up a lot and I have to keep replacing packed lunch food for the kids because you are grazing like a teenager. Outside of family meals, you need to start buying your own snacks or contributing towards the food shop.'

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