Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

[Strawberrydaiquiris]

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day

Am I being unreasonable?

@Wearywithteens

“I’ve never understood people crying poverty with dc in private school. I have read the full thread ,you have put her siblings in private school while you moan on here about what food she eats .bizarre”

^^ this.

Bizarre attitude to think that having children at private school means the other child can then eat all the family food unchecked and consume an entire casserole meant for 5 herself. Absolutely ridiculous

She does appear to be being very selfish - but if she isn't a selfish person generally, then I expect she has some issues with living at home.

If she is a selfish person, then you will need to set some firm boundaries with her while she is living with you.

I feel a bit sorry for your DD tbh. It must hurt to see her younger siblings having so much spent on them and she may feel "not part of the family" when she's lived away for so long.
While it might seem pathetic with her being 25, she hasn't stopped being your child, you haven't stopped being her mother - that relationship is still there, and if she is seeing it as different to her younger siblings, that would cause resentment.

driving lessons - these have been offered as a gift.
10 lessons is perfectly reasonable, and I think you need to stick with this if you can afford to. Just don't give them to her until X-mas day 🤷‍♀️ you can get nice vouchers made up, present them in a nice box lined with tissue paper, perhaps some fluffy dice and a Highway Code book.

If she wants to start learning sooner, she can pay for earlier lessons herself. (I would suggest she do this in all honesty, block booking lessons is not a good idea until you have found an instructor you are happy with. If you book 10 lessons and pay for them, and she hates the instructor, you are unlikely to get your money back. Tell her to book one or two lessons herself with someone, then if she likes them, block book then)

In terms of food, it seems odd to me that you don't charge her any living costs. I paid keep to my parents from when I started working at 16.

I would clear her a cupboard and a shelf in the fridge, tell her you are happy to provide main meals, but she needs to buy her own snacks, as it's costing more than you realised it would, and you are repeatedly over budget, which you don't have room for at the moment.

She may also not understand how tight things are feeling - you live in a good area, you have two children you can still afford to privately educate - yes you have lost your job, but she may still see that "wealth" and feel you are being tight. Perhaps put into perspective "yes we are very lucky to be in our position and be wealthy/comfortable, however we have lost my wage, which now makes things tight, we have £X amount less a month coming into the house, which is a very noticeable hole in our budget".

I feel bad for all the people writing long replies as thread is 3 weeks old and OP may not be back.

[quote Tappering]@ssd

I'm guessing cabin crew[/quote]
I thought that too and if she was with Emirates, that was a great job, their cabin crew are the elite of the profession. Obviously they will have had to lay people off which is very hard. So many in the same boat (no pun intended).

It is good that the girl has a job even if it isn't exactly what she wants at the moment but things will pick up in the future.

I'm not going to say any more about current finances because I already did that. I'll only say, "Good luck", to the op for the future because she, too, lost a job.

@Shell4429

She should be paying for her own food AND paying rent to you! My adult kids paid me £100 a week and bought their own food. I don’t understand why you’re being so soft. Running a home is expensive and she should know that. Your financial situation is irrelevant really, she should be paying her way. The driving lessons are a separate issue and I can’t see anything wrong with paying for them especially if you’re going to with your other children.

At that point, your children are paying your mortgage! £400 a month for a room is steep. Really profiting off your DC. Adults should pay for their own food though.

Offer 10 lessons as a gift - your youngest 2 being offered the same when they are older

Cut down on Christmas spending and presents for ALL your family - as you aren't working at the moment.

My honest instinct is that if she is moving out fairly shortly and you enjoy her living with you why can't you dip into savings now?

You enjoy a very high standard of living, sounds like she didn't growing up, and now you have an opportunity to share that good fortune and you don't want too?

I agree not pulling your younger children out of private school, and I know your older child is 25 (will you allow your younger children to return home at that age and would you begrudge them a jar of Nutella?)
But she has had the rough end of the stick (I assume there's no father in the picture? And you deliberately had her while you were very young without the resources you had for your second family)

Shop in cheaper supermarkets and give with love.

You sound like you separate your children into 'rich and deserving' and 'not'.

@jessstan2

I thought that too and if she was with Emirates, that was a great job, their cabin crew are the elite of the profession. Obviously they will have had to lay people off which is very hard. So many in the same boat (no pun intended).

I wanted to be cabin crew in my 20s but was convinced not to go down the rote. Sounds like it would have been a lot of fun!

@Howlooseisyourgoose

I feel bad for all the people writing long replies as thread is 3 weeks old and OP may not be back.

I literally realised after I posted 😭🙈 hope the OP has it all sorted now!

I think she should be contributing even is only a nominal sum ,maybe £100 P/M or so .Put your nice smellies in your drawer and say a set of Driving Lessons (about 3/6 months ) and payment for tests . Dont buy nice biccies/snacks .Lots of fruit (Bananas are filling and tasty ) maybe some low fat tinned rice puddings ,Fruit Cake and so on

Also agree with PringleMonster .If younger DC are at Private Schools then that is a lot of money to find! Obviously your choice but this will make a big hole in the budget!

I'm sorry no matter how loaded your parents are, at 25 you are at least expected to pay for your own things. Bloody hell when I was 25 I was paying for my mortgage, my loans which I took out to renovate the house, my food, travel and everything else. She sounds self entitled and very selfish and doesn't set a good example to your other children. Force her to pay her way or let her leave as this isn't a good example for your other children. A 25 year old adult shouldn't be sponging off her parents, I'm sorry op for my tone.

@clumsyv at 25 I had 3 children and had lived independently for 10 years already. I’m now 40 years old and paying my own way and comfortably. None of that changes the fact that as the older child who didn’t have the same childhood as my younger siblings with a wealthy father still stings, particularly at rough times when I could have done with a hand, whilst they went to South Africa for a month. (and btw if you don’t think being in a position to pay 2 lots of private school fees on one wage and all your bills covered AND have savings makes you wealthy, you are deluded). It’s not like she is asking for money to burn on beer. It’s driving lessons.

@OwlBeThere that doesn’t make OP loaded. She sounds comfortable.

OP daughter has over £1000+ a month to spend. What type of message are we sending to young adults!! It’s greediness!!

As a middle child everything needs to be fair so if you pay for one kids driving lessons you need to pay for the others regardless of age. (Very middle child response I know lol)

As she’s a grown adult just have a conversation, set some boundary’s

I don't know whether or not you are tight but you certainly don't seem to treat your DD1 as favourably as your other children. You are paying for their private school fees and yet you are making a fuss about the amount your DD1 eats. It can't be that much if she is slim. It's not as if you're on the breadline. As for driving lessons, I don't really see that their ages make much difference. I have told my DC that I will pay for the driving lessons when they are ready to take them. It doesn't really make a difference to me financially whether they are 17 or 35 so to refuse because of their age seems quite petty.

@BlueThistles

I feel bad for you OP, you are getting an unreasonably hard time on here. 🌺

Really? She's getting a hard time?

She posted on a public forum to bitch about her daughter's eating habits and how she shouldn't be paying for her driving lessons (even though she would spare no expense on the youngest from her new family, as she's mentioned she'd sell her house to keep them in private schools).

Fair enough she shouldn't be paying towards her dds daily expenses if she has a job, but even after admitting she got help from her own parents to raise her dd (as an adult), she thinks it's unreasonable to do the same for her own daughter. Daughter probably noticed the disparity in the treatment between siblings and will grow resentful over time if they're not all treated the same.

Also, why would you plan on having a child at 16, when you're a child yourself?