Dd1 thinks I’m being ‘tight’ - am I?

[Strawberrydaiquiris]

Just got a bit of background info -

Dd1 is now 25. I had her when I was very young. However both sets of grandparents where brilliant and I trained and worked so she wanted for nothing. Her dad was useless so she got spoiled tbh of myself and her DGP.

She’s actually very driven and likes nice things so she has always worked and moved abroad for her dream job. She lost her job due to COVID and has moved back. She’s actually lived on her own since she was 19

I also was made redundant during lockdown so we are relying on dh wage. It’s a good wage and can cover all bills and two of our dc school fees. We have savings and emergency money. We also live in a nice area.

Dd1 thinks we’re loaded because of this but in reality where not. We’re just coping untill I find work.

She’s got herself a job just to see her through whilst she looks for a position in her line of work. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to pay keep.

And here is my gripe, I don’t know if I’m being petty or not..

She is literally eating everything especially the stuff I get in for the small dc eg, she will eat a whole jar of Nutella in three days. Cakes, biscuits, packs of meat. If I cook a meat based casserole she will Have her portion then continually pick at it till there is hardly any thing left for us. She’s gotten in to the habit of eating half of something before anyone else then waiting to see if anyone else take a slice/piece and if they are too slow - working her way through that.

I’ve tried buying double. It doesn’t work.

She slim but she is at the gym every morning burning it all off.

She’s using my best products that are expensive. I’m going to need to buy more in half the time I normally would.

She said she wanted to do her driving lessons whilst back home and dh said he’d pay for them. Fuck knows what out of as I’m already budgeting for xmas. She said she would have them for her Xmas present but now.

I’ve shown dh how expensive they are and he has said he will pay for the first ten but I know for a fact come xmas she will be expecting presents too. And I will not go in to our savings for presents.

She’s working now and has no outgoings except for phone and gym membership.

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

She could tell by my face at breakfast I wasn’t best pleased about the driving lessons and told me to stop being ‘tight’, dh replied ‘we will paying paying for the dc so it’s only fair’... I wanted to say back yes but they will be 17 and not in full time employment but I kept my mouth shut.

If you got this far have a mid day

Am I being unreasonable?

By the way, eating huge amounts sounds like she has got too used to the massive all you can eat hotel buffets on her layovers.

Don’t take her comment to heart. You sound generous and sensible. They have a way of saying things that hit a nerve but it’s to deflect from her behaviour. Have a chat about which food is for meals etc and how many it needs to feed and tell her that if she wants to eat that amount she’ll have to contribute to the grocery bill.

I’ve 4 kids of my own ,3 are adults ,1 a child ,huge gap.
We made sure we treated them all the same ,so no resentment built up.
I absolutely would not of put some in private school and some or 1 not.
I just think it’s bound to cause resentment at some point ,if not now then in the future .
I’ve never understood people crying poverty with dc in private school.
I have read the full thread ,you have put her siblings in private school while you moan on here about what food she eats .bizarre
If you can’t afford to pay for her driving lessons ,just say no .
But then make sure you also say no to the other dc.
You need to be making sure things are fair ,they are not currently

When the younger 2 go to uni ,and you decide you have to pay for that ,as high earners ,no student loan
How will you make that fair ..

I'm 31 at xmas. I have 2 children aged 10 and 6. Last year I got a new rug for my birthday and then a blender for xmas. This year it's an electronic toothbrush for birthday and a dressing gown for xmas I've asked for these from my mum. Driving lessons will help her in her life and have been promised so cant really go back onit

We did 5 lessons for 17th birthday plus paid for her provisional license and insurance on my car to practise. DD had a part time job and paid for the rest of the lessons with us occasionally paying for one here and there.

Sounds like you’re being too soft OP and she’s using emotional ‘blackmail’ to make you feel guilty.

It’s like she’s regressed from being so independent. You need to put your foot down.

@Nottherealslimshady

I dont think it's about her going to the gym so "needing the calories " eating a full jar of nutella to yourself in 3 days is greedy and selfish. She's enjoying the luxuries of eating your expensive food and using your expensive toiletries but not having to buy any of it herself. It's what youd expect from a 16 year old. God shes 25, she needs to act like it and you need to set her straight. So what that she didnt get as much money spent on her when she was younger, there was less money available and she was hardly poor, shes not owed an equal amount of money to siblings that are 18 years younger than her. She was offered driving lessons at 18, didnt want them, 10 for christmas is a generous gift for an adult but the rest is her own responsibility as an adult.

Totally agree with this. OP isnt begrudging her food, she begrudging that she eats all of it. Who on earth would think it was ok for anyone to eat all the meat out of a casserole meant to feed 5 people? Appalling behaviour

Driving lessons is a separate issue. Not unreasonable to pay. She only gets small token presents if anything else extra at Christmas though.

She has an unhealthy relationship with food. Don’t make a big deal of it but be very clear that it is not fair that she is working and eating more than her fair share of food and needs to rein it in. If she doesn’t like that that she can have her share of main meals but sorts out her own snack cupboard and pays for it. She is working and living rent free!

It sounds like she doesn't appreciate that as a wage earning adult, your very kind offer probably does have reasonable boundaries attached to it.

You just need to define what those reasonable boundaries are. You are obviously not tight, but you do need to communicate with her very clearly.

Totally off thread, but what did your dd do abroad, sounds amazing!

@ssd

I'm guessing cabin crew

I never got £250 for Xmas when I was 25. She had £400 for her birthday and tbh I’m sick of shelling that much out for a working adult.

Well, just stop then.

It sounds like she’s got little appreciation for the actual cost of things. I would, personally, charge keep but PLOT TWIST keep it aside for her when she does move out! A surprise lump sum. My mum did this for me and it was a lovely surprise. She told me that charging keep wasn’t about the money but about the respect of paying it.

I actually think you sound like a great Mum. The moment we bring a child in to the world they become our priority. You started very young and no doubt went without regularly. DH is useless with money so you have to take control here. You are currently out of work which will be causing further stress, especially at the supermarket! Even your personal products are now disappearing at twice the rate! You sound very supportive of your daughter, but she needs to step up a bit and realise that life is not a never ending hand out. She needs to buy her own toiletries and products. She is in a very fortunate position, but she needs to realise this and stop being so entitled.

She’s acting like an entitled brat because she’s being allowed to. If you and your H insist on having ‘welcome’ stamped across your heads, than it isn’t surprising that an entitled brat might wipe her feet.

It’s your house! Stop being a wet blanket and have a word with your child.

The key is to realise you don't buy love and affection as a parent.

A child and especially an adult child isn't 'owed' a certain spend on Christmas presents or living support from their parents.
You should give what is affordable for you and what fits with the level of support you think she ought to be providing for herself.

Parents who have this sense of guilt about not providing vast sums for Christmas presents or covering the cost of full driving lessons or providing rentless living for adult children often are struggling with some kind of misplaced guilt about other things which have happened earlier in life and trying to compensate or buy their way out of it.

The reality is you are her mother and love her and do your best and she is an adult and needs to understand that she is no longer fully financially dependent on you and that the costs of life are huge and cannot just be centred around her needs. She sounds like she behaves like she's 13 not 25.

I think that when there are very specific price takes attached to Christmas giving etc this sense of entitlement can develop. If someone thinks £100 is what they are entitled to and is a given, then they might be disappointed or feel cheated by £50 present. If instead the deal is that everyone gets a decent present, it's more flexible and the value lies not in the monetary value but it being a nice present. Personally I think that's better....it's not about the monetary value and some years you might spend more and some less depending on circumstances or the gifts wanted/needed.

So I'd avoid setting up precedents of expectation for spending and I would be talking to DD about being an adult and appreciating costs of living, that her needs aren't the only ones in the house and that she needs to take an adult attitude and not always be a taker but think about being a giver too, not just in financial terms but in attitude too. Lose the guilt Op....you're an adult and so is she. Speak to her like an adult and make clear there is no room for childish behaviour, strops or demands from her.

I think too, that one of our parenting roles is to support our growing children to become independent capable adults. This usually occurs in their teens but there is often some need for it in early 20s too. Notice I say support them to become Independnet adults...this is about them having growing independence and capability to look after themselves, not doing it all for them.

They need to learn life skills of things like household chores, shopping, managing bills etc. They need to learn the cost of living in terms of rents and bills and budgeting. They need to learn about planning ahead and making money last. They need to learn about making choices and deciding what they can afford and what they will go without. They need to learn about what a right adult relationship with parents is and about being able to ask for help and support and also taking responsibility for some areas themselves and about what is really pushing it too far.

If we don't provide our kids with those things, we do them a dis-service. It isn't good parenting to shield them from the realities of the costs of life u til they are 30 or to pay for everything and treat them as ina capable 7 year olds. Most parents have to have tricky conversations about these things in the teen years...but some people haven't had them then and need to have them in 20s.

Being a parent doesn't stop when your children are 20s or 30s or 40s. Many parents will be giving levels of financial support through this period in terms of the boomerang children who keep returning home to live at cheap rates, or with free childcare to grandchildren, or with gifts towards deposits or paying for a holiday. And most parents willingly and happily pay for those things IF needed. Of course lots of adult children pay for these themselves because they have jobs and can manage without support...and that's totally right if they have their own money. Parental financial support shouldn't be a given but a support when needed. Adults should expect to support themselves and that parents might give some help if it's needed and if they can afford it...not as an entitlement. Understanding this is having an adult attitude....recognising that ones parents might want to put their money into pensions or their own holidays etc and not forever support their mid and late 20s....so the support can really only be for things which are vital, if it's goi g to impinge on the parents own lives.....not just little luxuries which they could cover themselves.

Mature adults don't approach their parents for expensive Christmas gifts and demand a certain level spent on them. They don't eat all the food knowing that there won't be enough for others. They appreciate that sometimes one child might have had something they won't be getting and that becaue they are not 10 years old, they can cope with that and not see it as a life unfairness which will stick with them forever. If they can contribute towards costs they at least offer and they don't ask parents to cover everything when they have their own incomes. And if a mid 20s child hasn't got that maturity, well the parent needs to do some more parenting and start teaching them those things,neven if it isn't a welcomed lesson. It will do everyone and especially the adult child a favour in the long run.

Explain to her that she doesn’t have to pay rent, but she HAS to buy her own groceries and pay for her own driving lessons.

Or tell her than her driving lessons will be her Christmas present because they’re expensive and you want to spend the same amount of money on all your DC.

Think you should take some board as going to be long term , even if you don't need it and save for or , or half save half use , re: driving lessons maybe again say you will pay for the first 10 or so then she pays the rest
And then maybe have that limit for your other dc as well so then all fair ? Any reason why she didn't learn when she was younger
My dc is 17 just started driving and we will be paying for first 10 as he didn't have a lot for his birthday , he then has some savings to help pay from birthday money over the years. Im hoping he can get a part time job to help as well but accepting we may have to help more if he can't as its really tough getting a part time job around here at the moment with covid
But im inly just back into work but feel driving is an investment for future and a job but whatever we end up doing for ds1 we will do for ds2 to keep it fair
But when mine have full time jobs they will be charged rent , depending on our situation at time we may just save it , or we nay need to use it as i have had period out if work and dh job is not safe
But i think taking rent makes them realise life isnt free etc

Re: food set het up a box that is for her with snacks and one each for other dc and say she can only have those any extra she needs to purchase and also to remember food has to go around , no seconds until everyone has some
Just sit down and speak to her explain without your job money is also tight and reins have to be drawn in

I’m coming at this from the opposite end of the spectrum. I worked from the age of 14 and contributed two thirds of my earnings to the household with my third being spent on buses, toiletries and any clothing I wanted. I didn’t expect Christmas or birthday presents from that stage. If I’d helped myself to whatever I fancied eating, it would have meant someone else going without food. It is utterly insane to me that she is letting you finance her lifestyle or that, knowing you need your income to be comfortable and that your husband is useless with money, you’re allowing this to continue. Why are you worried that she thinks you’re tight? She’s the one who’s not paying her way, while you’re spending everything you have; just who is the tight one here? (Clue, it’s not you!)

In your position, I’d work out how much extra food you’re having to buy and give her the choice of either paying that amount in keep or buying her own groceries. And do not save that money to give back to her. That is not helping her learn how to run her own home; it’s teaching her that you’ll always be there to bail her out. If she claims you’re being tight, remind her that she’s a grown adult relying on her mum and dad to pay her way for her. Not an attractive trait.

wobblywindows i thought OP was back with an update.

Yes I think it’s tight if you have savings and enough money to pay school fees for the other kids, but can’t help her out with driving. The fact she’s older is entirely irrelevant. You can afford it, jf will probably help her job prospects.