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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's totally normal to love and like your best female friend more than your husband?

331 replies

mimblefish · 16/09/2020 00:15

What the title says, really. I am in constant contact with my best female friend. I adore her, she is the other half of me. My husband has never been remotely bothered about this, I love him and he's a nice man and I find him very funny and he is my best friend after her. We have never had any problems.

A bisexual friend of mine said recently that if she was married to me, she'd feel really threatened by my relationship with my best friend. Now, I am not sexually attracted to best friend at all. If it was between her and husband I'd probably pick her to pull out of a burning building, but that doesn't mean it's a romantic attraction. I get that things might be more complicated if you're not straight, but, eh. What do you think, mumsnet? AIBU to think lots of women love their best friends more than anyone but their children?

OP posts:
lioncitygirl · 16/09/2020 00:16

Wait - you would pick her to pull out of a burning building, and not your husband?

Greydove28 · 16/09/2020 00:17

No friend bestie or not comes before my husband.

purpleme12 · 16/09/2020 00:18

I think yours sounds a tad more deep than the average friendship..

Ninkanink · 16/09/2020 00:19

Nope. I love my DH far more than anyone else, but for my children. Friends/other family don’t come anywhere near.

MaraScottie · 16/09/2020 00:19

Hmm, not here anyway.

I think you might get fooling yourself OP!

Noti23 · 16/09/2020 00:20

Um no

2toe · 16/09/2020 00:21

My best friend has been my rock for almost 30 years, I would pick her over anyone in my life apart from my children, she is my person and I am hers. I can’t imagine anything ever separating us, there are so many years of history there, honesty and trust that comes from the absolute knowledge we will never let each other down.

Thenneverendingstorohree · 16/09/2020 00:26

Not even remotely close. DH is way above any friendship.

emptyplinth · 16/09/2020 00:26

Not even close. Your friendship sounds especially intense.

Thisismytimetoshine · 16/09/2020 00:27

It really isn't, you know... 🤔

AntiSocialDistancer · 16/09/2020 00:30

Yabu. Its a different bond for sure, and there are definitely times when I like my friends more but it's only because it's when my DH is being a pratt.

My husband gives me everything, and I him. Thats no where close to my best friend.

Rafflesway · 16/09/2020 00:34

Definite no from me!

Peridotty · 16/09/2020 00:36

I love my sister more than my husband and she is like a best friend. Would that be the same ?

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 16/09/2020 00:37

I don't think it's usual, but I have never experienced a friendship like that apart from DH. My female friends are great but they are not what completes me.

Sarahpaula · 16/09/2020 00:37

It really depends on the length of friendship.

I value my friend of thirty years, more than my boyfriend of two years, I think it is natural if you have built history with some one.

I also think that he values his long term friendships more than he values me.

I remember saying to him in one argument "you are so happy and funny with your friends, you are not like that with me", and he told me "I have known them since I was four years old". He only knows me for two years.

It is natural I think. Also relationships usually come and go more than friendships.

Having said that, right now, I know some women for a long time, but I don't feel particularly super close or attached to any of them. I have never felt that kind of deep intense friendship. It does sound a bit romantic on your part?

OctopusStaring · 16/09/2020 00:39

I think it's probably different for everyone. I'd choose my DH over my friends any day though. He's my rock. I've known my best friend for longer but it just isn't the same.

akerman · 16/09/2020 00:41

I truly love my best friend. We’ve known each other longer than we’ve known our husbands. She understands me. But I love my husband too. He’s my home.

Littlemissamy · 16/09/2020 00:41

I feel like you to an extent. I love my best friend like a sister, she knows me better than I know myself - and I her. I’d choose my husband to pull out of a burning building for sure, but apart from him and my kids, she’s top of the list. I genuinely don’t know what I’d do without her. But I don’t love her more than my husband.

MessedOfTimes · 16/09/2020 00:42

Sounds EXACTLY like me and my best friend. And everyone knows where we stand...just counting down the days til we can move into the old folks home together! No one else needs to understand. This kind of friendship is like a marriage in itself, except better and “purer”, if that makes sense. I only hope my daughters find a friendship like the one I have. It’s hard for people to understand if they’ve never had it. I count myself lucky that my bestie and I found each other. I’m happy for you both too. The world needs more connections like this ❤️

Sciencebabe · 16/09/2020 00:44

I think you should tell your friend and see what she thinks. Maybe you need to spend more time with your husband 😬😆

Iammariedtojacksparrow · 16/09/2020 00:46

I love my best friend, but in a zombie apocalypse she is going before my partner, but that is based on skills, she is aware of this and accepts it.

I don't think I love her more than my partner, but its a very different type of love.

ARoseInHarlem · 16/09/2020 00:49

My DH has become my closest friend, over time.

My dearest platonic friend is in a different category. I have so much fondness, respect, regard, affection, and history with her (more even than with DH). But we’re not intimate, emotionally. We have been in the past, and probably would be again in the future if the need arose. But we both contentedly reserve that space for our husbands now.

Things change, relationships evolve. I don’t think exclusivity is healthy, except in a wanted monogamous relationship.

GammyLeg · 16/09/2020 00:50

I love my best friend of 20 years, she knows me better than almost anyone and we have conversations that I wouldn't have with DH.

But DH has seen me at my worst, he puts up with and loves the day-to-day warts and all of me which my best friend doesn't see. I would pull him out of the burning building - no question.

I think saying your BF is the "other half of you" is very intense and it sounds like there is more to the friendship.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/09/2020 00:53

I felt that way about a former BF (former because she developed a major alcohol problem that she still has and I had to walk away for my own MH) but then, my husband at the time was a complete fucking tosser. So out of the two of them, before her drinking, she was my go to.

If I was married now to the type of man I would like to bemarried to, no she wouldnt be.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/09/2020 00:54

THinking further, sounds like you are in an emotional affair with her, even though you dont fancy her physically, if you reserve feelings for her that you dont have for your husband.

Or you married the wrong man.....