To think it's totally normal to love and like your best female friend more than your husband?

[mimblefish]

What the title says, really. I am in constant contact with my best female friend. I adore her, she is the other half of me. My husband has never been remotely bothered about this, I love him and he's a nice man and I find him very funny and he is my best friend after her. We have never had any problems.

A bisexual friend of mine said recently that if she was married to me, she'd feel really threatened by my relationship with my best friend. Now, I am not sexually attracted to best friend at all. If it was between her and husband I'd probably pick her to pull out of a burning building, but that doesn't mean it's a romantic attraction. I get that things might be more complicated if you're not straight, but, eh. What do you think, mumsnet? AIBU to think lots of women love their best friends more than anyone but their children?

Sounds like you are married to the wrong man

Agreed. As most replies to this thread have shown, it's totally fine and normal to strongly love your best friend(s). But almost everyone loves their partner MORE. That's the normal part.

MORE? Totally disagree. It's not comparable. They are totally different 'kinds' of love.

Good job I said almost everyone then!

I agree Badtattoes. Love is immeasurable surely? So why people insist on pecking orders of who they love the most l never understand. I had a row with someone on here once where they insisted that my DH was lying when he says he loves me equaaly as his (adult) DC. He does though and explains it as just a different kind of love.
Also if you marry someone you are deeply in love with and have DC with them, why on earth should that dilute your loved for them into second place? Surely you love them in yet another way
(on top of how you did before) as the father of your DC?

Also the 'burning building' scenario, doesn't mean anything, as our love for our DC is more of a protective kind of love so of course our instinct would be to help those who needed our help first.
Films like Sophie s Choice and the real life story from the Tsunami years ago of the woman who had to let go of one of her DC or they all would be drowned, both resulted in the 'choice' being made with the highest chance of survival for all.

My husband wins every time. He is literally the only adult in my life I trust.

Love is immeasurable surely? So why people insist on pecking orders of who they love the most l never understand

Maybe some people "insist on it", but equally, lots of people are just responding to a question. I don't revel in "ranking" my love for people, but I can tell I love some people more than I love others. Just as I like some people more than others. It's not like I sit around all day thinking about it. It's just obvious to me.

@Oblomov20

MORE? Totally disagree. It's not comparable. They are totally different 'kinds' of love.

This, this, and absolutely THIS. It’s not a competition!

This, this, and absolutely THIS. It’s not a competition!

See my response above. I don't really get why people think it's so deep. I can have two friends and like one more than the other. It doesn't mean I'm making anything into a competition. I just happen to like one more than the other!

Same with love.

@VestroPrincipiDivino

This, this, and absolutely THIS. It’s not a competition!

See my response above. I don't really get why people think it's so deep. I can have two friends and like one more than the other. It doesn't mean I'm making anything into a competition. I just happen to like one more than the other!

Same with love.

Oh, I totally agree. The idea of “different kinds of love” was something I was brought up with (ENORMOUS family - I remember my Grandmother articulating the “difference” whilst acknowledging the depth)...There is no hierarchy in love. That said, I’d rather burn in said building myself than survive without my bestie

I would rescue my husband before my best friend. Not the other way around.

Why does it have to be a competition? I have never understood why people say they love their kids more than their husband etc and certainly can't get my head around saying you love your best friend more ?
Surely we love people in different ways ? Each relationship adds to our lives in a unique way and ( hopefully ) enriches it and I don't feel any need to rank them in order of preference.
But if I had to I definitely would consider my dh to be more significant than my best friend as he is not only a great friend but is also many other things to me so I have to disagree with the op.

Sounds like you married the wrong person.

@2toe

My best friend has been my rock for almost 30 years, I would pick her over anyone in my life apart from my children, she is my person and I am hers. I can’t imagine anything ever separating us, there are so many years of history there, honesty and trust that comes from the absolute knowledge we will never let each other down.

Are you married though?

My husband is my best friend. We were friends before we were lovers and I think that’s why we are still so happy together. Sorry but your relationship doesn’t sound good.

I agree it's not a competition but ultimately, no I don't think that is normal at all OP. I guess if you and your DH are happy in your marriage, it doesn't matter.

I've never loved a friend or had that intense relationship that you describe. I've actually walked away from a few friendships where I've felt they were too needy. Yet I've had romantic relationships that have been intense. I had never really thought about this before.

No way, I have close female friends but nobody comes close to my husband and I'd assume that's the norm?!

I have a really close friend but I don't to think you can compare because they are different types of relationship.

My best friend is a better friend than my husband and my husband is a better husband than my friend.

He gets the verdict on the burning building test though.

I was kind of hearing you... up until the burning building part.

No, I've never experienced it even seen a friendship like that in others.

If it came to the crunch you’d try to save both of them.

I think my mum prefers her close female friends to my dad. But they’ve been married for 50 years and she does all the domestic stuff, has carried the metal load and she’s over it.

She doesn’t have to wash her friends’ socks.

My dh is my best friend, I have female close friends, but the person I turn to and love more than anyone else is my husband.

I am not sure you are in love anymore op, I think your post says a lot about the state of your marriage rather than your friendship.

If my OH thought more of his best friend than me I would leave him and let them crack on.

It’s just two totally different relationships.

Best friend and I spent our late teens and twenties together, she knew me best at that time of my life. But now we live five hours apart; we still text/talk regularly and I love her to pieces, she knows all my secrets and I know hers. She makes me laugh like no one else and we’re very comfortable together. We’re always there for each other. But we’re not in each other’s pockets anymore.

DH on the other hand, we’ve shared a life together for 9 years, we’ve bought a house, gotten married, spent every day of lockdown together and didn’t kill each other, supported each other through stressful events, celebrated happy times, mapped out our careers and life goals together. We share a life, and that makes our relationship very different to one that I have with anyone else.

I love my best friend. We regularly say ' I love you' to each other.
But I love my husband more.