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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's totally normal to love and like your best female friend more than your husband?

331 replies

mimblefish · 16/09/2020 00:15

What the title says, really. I am in constant contact with my best female friend. I adore her, she is the other half of me. My husband has never been remotely bothered about this, I love him and he's a nice man and I find him very funny and he is my best friend after her. We have never had any problems.

A bisexual friend of mine said recently that if she was married to me, she'd feel really threatened by my relationship with my best friend. Now, I am not sexually attracted to best friend at all. If it was between her and husband I'd probably pick her to pull out of a burning building, but that doesn't mean it's a romantic attraction. I get that things might be more complicated if you're not straight, but, eh. What do you think, mumsnet? AIBU to think lots of women love their best friends more than anyone but their children?

OP posts:
OptimisticSix · 16/09/2020 06:59

I think its unusual but if you're all happy and there's no burning building then it's all good Smile I'd save DH every time over anyone (except the children obviously).

LemonTT · 16/09/2020 06:59

@MerchantOfVenom

I mean, ‘pull from a burning building’...?

When would you ever be in a life or death scenario, whereby you’d have to choose between two loved ones?

You wouldn’t. So what comes from ranking them? It feels a bit childish.

This

I don’t get the love more angle at all. I understand love differently. That love for children includes feelings of protection and other bonds.

I think either a bad marriage or an intense friendship explains this. An intense friendship is never healthy and definitely needs some analysis.

InterstellarDrifter · 16/09/2020 07:03

I feel like that about my best friend. But she’s also my sister.
If you all tick along well, then carry on.

popcornlover · 16/09/2020 07:08

I think it’s lovely you have such a solid bond with your friend - hard to come by these days. People don’t seem to put much importance on friendships since social media.

TerrorCat · 16/09/2020 07:15

Torn between two lovers, acting like a fool,
Loving both of them, is breaking all the rules.
If there’s a fire, run for your life.

peardrops1 · 16/09/2020 07:16

I think the people saying YABU haven't had a best friend in the way you have. You're lucky to have found such a connection.

keziahthecat · 16/09/2020 07:16

I don't think that's normal. Personally my husband is my best friend. If it works for you all though I don't see the problem.

Phrowzunn · 16/09/2020 07:16

My sister is my best friend and I love her just as much as my husband (possibly more as I’ve know her all my life?? It’s very difficult to say) but obviously in a very different way. I couldn’t confidently say who I would pull out of a burning building though. Possibly my sister actually, but only because I know DH would tell me to, so that my nephews didn’t lose their mummy. He’s a very good man. He’s definitely my best friend, as well as my sister. Oh I don’t think I could say who I love more actually! I DEFINITELY don’t love any of my normal friends more than him.

Covert20 · 16/09/2020 07:18

Well I don’t, my DH is my best friend. 🤷🏻‍♀️

chatterbugmegastar · 16/09/2020 07:19

@mimblefish - would your BFF adore you and you her, if you lived together 24/7?

Have you put that to the test?

GetUpAgain · 16/09/2020 07:22

I am complete by myself, I don't need an other half. Or a rock.

I do have some very close friends as well as a husband and kids, I think its healthy to have a range of relationships surely.

Sanitisethat · 16/09/2020 07:22

I think your situation is slightly unusual.

I actually am bisexual, and have a best friend who I love and cherish dearly (but am not in any way attracted to) but there’s no way I would pick her over my husband in an emergency scenario. My husband is the person I adore over all others (no kids yet), and I can’t imagine not instinctively picking him if I absolutely had to. I don’t have a deeper bond with anybody than I do with him.

I’m not saying your situation is necessarily wrong, but I think I would feel threatened if my husband had a best friend he prioritised over me. Not threatened in a romantic sense, but threatened in the sense that he and I are family, by virtue of the promises and commitment we made, and that ought to mean something which places me before his friends.

Ultimately if you and your husband are happy with the situation then it isn’t causing any harm, but I think it is an unusual set up.

Boulshired · 16/09/2020 07:23

I trust no one more than my best friend, our shared experiences have created a bond that I can never see breaking. I have never ranked how important they are to me. I have room in my life for those who I am most close to. There is no threat between friend and DP because of the type of people they both are.

TitianaTitsling · 16/09/2020 07:26

And would she choose you over others?

ReallySpicyCurry · 16/09/2020 07:26

On one side of my family, I come from a very working class area which had quite a distinct set of culture and traditions. Lots of the older generation women in my family married because getting a man you liked the look of by the age of about 19 was the done thing, not because they were madly in love with them. The husbands often worked away a lot, leaving the women to maintain an extremely close knit network with other women in their immediate area. My grandmother, her sisters and friends all had these sort of friendships, which took a primary role in their lives which their husband didn't. Some of them liked their husbands a lot, some of them would cheerfully have throttled them, but either way they got most of their emotional support and connection from female friends and/or sisters.

It's interesting, because most of those marriages hit 50 plus years, and although not what I'd aspire to, most of them seemed happy.

I know that's not what you're talking about but I was all set to think your feelings towards your best friend were unusual, but then I remembered my gran and her friends

DCIRozHuntley · 16/09/2020 07:26

DH and I had a conversation along these lines. I love him very much, and he is my best friend. He doesn't fulfil all of my emotional needs though and that's why I need a couple of best friends around me. For a night out I'd probably choose my friends. Burning building, however, I would choose DH every single time.

EssentialHummus · 16/09/2020 07:26

I don't think it's helpful / useful to compare. I would say though that the absence of domestic stuff can lend close friendships appeal - you can have intimate chats, have a laugh together, bitch about your husbands (if you're both into that), provide support... but no one has to wash the other's socks or get the boiler serviced or get dinner on the table. So I think even with close friends you can have rose-tinted glasses.

AyDeeAitchDee · 16/09/2020 07:27

My husband is my best friend so I guess I don't have a to pick.

Only DC would come first in a burning building situation.

Then next in line would be my mum (my other best friend)

Sertchgi123 · 16/09/2020 07:28

How weird!

AlternativePerspective · 16/09/2020 07:28

I think the key here is that the friend who made this observation is bisexual. Therefore she could anticipate a romantic relationship developing with either a man or a woman.

To put it in context, if you posted here that your best friend was male, the responses would unanimously be that you’re having an emotional affair at best and that your husband would be right to be concerned. But because you’re heterosexual nobody sees anything wrong with having that kind of intense relationship with a woman. If you were gay or bisexual people would voice the same concerns.

cravingthelook · 16/09/2020 07:31

I agree with you OP, and my exH was okay with it until we had other issues and I ended up leaving. He's now very jealous.
She's my bloody rock and we have and will help each other through many hellish situations.

Amonite · 16/09/2020 07:32

Wow, I've never heard such a thing.
Our spouse is the person we love and care for above anyone else. If you can put someone above him you shouldn't be married.
Personally I don't believe in close friendships, I actually think they are dangerous and do nothing but cause stress and have a negative impact on people's lives. Often through silly women putting their friends before their actual family. (Husbands, children parents whoever)
I have many acquaintances, people I can have a laugh with, go to the pub with etc some of whom I've known 35 years. But would I prioritise them over my husband, would I even go out with them when spending time with DH is an option ... fuck no.
They can fill the gap when he is at work but otherwise no thanks.

cravingthelook · 16/09/2020 07:33

@MessedOfTimes 😁 my best friend and I are retiring to Florida

CoalCraft · 16/09/2020 07:36

Sounds bizarre to me. My husband IS my best friend and the only people who even come close in my love for them are my parents. Once my baby is born perhaps that will change, but for the time being he is the most important person in my life.

Not that I don't love my friends, I do (male and female ones both), but my husband is head and shoulders above the rest.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 16/09/2020 07:37

Part of me thinks 'wow I don't have a BF like that, how fantastic' and the rest of me thinks 'you're married to the wrong man'.
DH and my lives are completely intertwined and have children together, I can't imagine putting anyone before him.