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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's totally normal to love and like your best female friend more than your husband?

331 replies

mimblefish · 16/09/2020 00:15

What the title says, really. I am in constant contact with my best female friend. I adore her, she is the other half of me. My husband has never been remotely bothered about this, I love him and he's a nice man and I find him very funny and he is my best friend after her. We have never had any problems.

A bisexual friend of mine said recently that if she was married to me, she'd feel really threatened by my relationship with my best friend. Now, I am not sexually attracted to best friend at all. If it was between her and husband I'd probably pick her to pull out of a burning building, but that doesn't mean it's a romantic attraction. I get that things might be more complicated if you're not straight, but, eh. What do you think, mumsnet? AIBU to think lots of women love their best friends more than anyone but their children?

OP posts:
sociallydistained · 18/09/2020 09:57

I love my best friend more than anyone in the world!

Dishwashersaurous · 18/09/2020 10:00

Actually I think it’s much more werid that you say your husband would save his mum over you.

Personally I think in the best marriages that each should be their number one priority

HepzibahGreen · 18/09/2020 10:49

I don't think it's that weird. I have enduring 25+ year friendships that mean a lot to me. Those people know me in a way DP doesn't.
I also think it's VERY dangerous to make your husband your best friend. Husbands are all very well but they can have their heads turned, fall for a younger shinier woman and before you know it your "best friend" is a stranger who wants to leave you penniless. I don't trust any man like I trust my best friend.

MrsTWH · 18/09/2020 10:55

I think it really depends on the people involved! And they are different types of love so I don’t find them comparable tbh.

Personally my DH is my number 1. Or why would I bother being with him? He is my best (male) friend, I love him more than anything except my children. Yes he could leave, and then I’d have to pick myself up and start again without him. But equally my best friend could ghost me and I’d have to do the same.

My best friend I’ve known for 20 years. I love her. But if it’s completely different. She’s also a very popular person and has lots of best mates. That’s ok. I’d be peed off if my DH had lots of wives Grin

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 18/09/2020 13:57

@MrsTWH. Yes, exclusivity is a key factor. I have three friends I consider really close and we all have other friends as well. I’m not jealous if they spend time with other people-but I wouldn’t be impressed if DH had a couple of extra wives.🤣

Harvestsquirrel1 · 18/09/2020 14:19

I am saying that you have a new life with your husband, and he should take precedence. It’s nice to have friends, but they don’t have to be so over the top like the OP situation. She might as well marry her friend. When you marry, that is your new life. Everyone else comes second. I’m not saying to drop your friends. But people naturally drift from friends when they get married And have kids. You seem offended, by the way. Chill.its not that deep.

thepeopleversuswork · 18/09/2020 14:44

@Amonite

Wow, I've never heard such a thing. Our spouse is the person we love and care for above anyone else. If you can put someone above him you shouldn't be married. Personally I don't believe in close friendships, I actually think they are dangerous and do nothing but cause stress and have a negative impact on people's lives. Often through silly women putting their friends before their actual family. (Husbands, children parents whoever) I have many acquaintances, people I can have a laugh with, go to the pub with etc some of whom I've known 35 years. But would I prioritise them over my husband, would I even go out with them when spending time with DH is an option ... fuck no. They can fill the gap when he is at work but otherwise no thanks.
This genuinely shocked me.

"I don't believe in close friendships, I actually think they are danerous and do nothing but cause stress and have a negative impact on people's lifes. Often through silly women putting their friends before their actual family."

You are aware, aren't you, that 50% of marriages end in divorce? Prioritising you've shacked up with based on sexual compatibility and financial necessity over people who have known you since childhood sounds incredibly high risk to me.

I'm also quite shocked at the people queuing up to suggest that its unnatural or surprising for a women to prioritise friendship over a sexual relationship.

I can totally understand if you have a good marriage feeling your spouse comes before everyone else. But to suggest that women with strong and enduring friendships is weird or unnatural is quite back-ward-looking.

NotBehindTheRadiatorPlease · 18/09/2020 14:48

Mm, I don't think it IS particularly normal, no. I have a best friend whom I adore, but would pick my partner over her in a second. I love my partner more than anyone, besides my DD.

Although, I think the love you have for a partner and the love you have for a friend is very different.

MrsMayo · 18/09/2020 15:16

@HepzibahGreen

I don't think it's that weird. I have enduring 25+ year friendships that mean a lot to me. Those people know me in a way DP doesn't. I also think it's VERY dangerous to make your husband your best friend. Husbands are all very well but they can have their heads turned, fall for a younger shinier woman and before you know it your "best friend" is a stranger who wants to leave you penniless. I don't trust any man like I trust my best friend.
It is not dangerous to make your Husband your best friend. My longest female best friend is in a very happy marriage too. She puts him first.

We are there for each other no matter what but we have our own separate lives.

pepperwood · 18/09/2020 15:17

I adore my partner and we are very close. I share most things with him and we are happy.
My closest friends have been in my life for a lot longer than him and they are very very important to me. I wouldn't say I love them more than my partner, it's a different love but I'd say it's equal and they have equal importance in my life.

It really worries me when friends suddenly take a backseat when people get married/are in an LTR. I don't think it's healthy for a partner to be your whole world. It feels very strange and alien to me.

I read a lot on here about friendship and I find a lot of it really really shitty. Sneering about happy events, not wanting to attend weddings, not making time for friends, rarely seeing them alone etc People forget that if the relationship goes tits up, they will miss that love and support from someone who really knows and appreciates you,

There is no way that I'm putting 25 year friendships on the back burner because I have a partner. As a group we've seen weddings, divorced, babies, deaths etc and have always made sure we maintain and value those friendships.

MrsMayo · 18/09/2020 15:21

If I told her I loved her more than my DH she would think it was weird thinking about it.

PinkiOcelot · 18/09/2020 15:45

No, I don’t think it is actually. That sounds like a very intense friendship.

Thisismytimetoshine · 18/09/2020 20:03

@MrsMayo

If I told her I loved her more than my DH she would think it was weird thinking about it.
Yes, I think it's peculiar that all four people involved have apparently discussed this and proclaimed themselves happy with it 🤔
33goingon64 · 18/09/2020 20:06

I don't think it matters if it's normal - it works for you and if your DH is OK with it then don't worry about people saying it's weird. I know what you mean. Not sure about the burning building thing - I think I would go for DH first, as the father of my children if nothing else. But DH is definitely not my best friend: he satisfies some key aspects which a girlfriend never could (sex, romance, but something else... yin yang/balance maybe) but he leaves many gaps which are perfectly filled by various close friends. I think there are as many 'which one person would you choose' scenarios as there are people. There's no right way, as long as you're all happy.

RiverMeadow · 18/09/2020 20:10

No!

TitsOutForHarambe · 18/09/2020 21:27

Lol people who find this weird .. what if your husband gets up one day and says he doesn’t love you any more?! 😂 or has an affair ? Or is so bad MN say LTB ?!

Anybody could leave your life at any moment.

Fotallytucked · 18/09/2020 22:12

I with you , I love my best friend so much I'd pick her over my husband in a burning building.

I often wish I was sexually attracted to her so I could have married her instead. I fully hope to grow old with her in the same nursing home Grin

Fotallytucked · 18/09/2020 22:13

I'll add I'm surprised my husband doesn't worry , she is actually a lesbian too !Grin

Fallada · 18/09/2020 22:14

@Fotallytucked

I'll add I'm surprised my husband doesn't worry , she is actually a lesbian too !Grin
Well, doesn’t it make a difference to him that you’re (presumably) not a lesbian?
Thisismytimetoshine · 18/09/2020 22:16

@Fotallytucked

I with you , I love my best friend so much I'd pick her over my husband in a burning building.

I often wish I was sexually attracted to her so I could have married her instead. I fully hope to grow old with her in the same nursing home Grin

Is he aware he comes a poor second?
Newname1236 · 18/09/2020 22:21

I have two best friends since we were 4 been through thick and thin see one a few.times a week Still,the other is further away but our convos are probably deeper but my DP will always come.first - knows everything about me sees me.at best and worst only together 6 years but the best 6!

Abracadabra12345 · 19/09/2020 23:03

@GreyShadow

Omg some of these comments. Call me a bitter old women but sadly, according to the most recent statistics, almost half of your amazing best friend marriages won't last. :(

Yes it's wonderful and great to have your husband as your best mate, but what happens if it ends?

Having a female best friend is deep and intense and they love you through thick and thin. I've had a 20 year marriage to my "soul mate" and two other long term relationships end, but my besties are still here.

One of my besties are also planning, half jokingly, our retirement together.

I genuinely feel sorry for those that invest all their friendship in their husbands. But as I said I'm old and have seen it all :)

So in answer to OP, yes I completely understand the deep love for your BFF. However the burning burning building situation I can't fathom, it's like asking which child would I pick.

I love my besties (I'm blessed to have 2) but it's a different love to a partner.

I’m the same as you, GreyShadow and I do think it’s because I’m older than many of these posters. I am so lucky to have the deep, relaxed and sometimes intense friendship I have. We can be honest with each other, we’ve gone through difficult stuff and supported each other and we have fun! She gets me in a way my DH doesn’t even after36 years together and 3 now grown up kids, but we still love each other. I’m deeply grateful my life has never been totally entwined around him and vice-versa and the kids but has allowed breathing spaces for friendships. Now that we have more time, these friendships, and my best friend, are more important than ever.

The burning building thing is too horrible a concept to think about, but I think the OP is incredibly lucky to have her DH and best friend and long may that continue for her. Those who don’t have that, won’t understand.

As someone wrote:
True love is rare; true friendship rarer still

cravingthelook · 22/09/2020 08:59

@Abracadabra12345 and @GreyShadow

Completely agree, my DH and I were great friends and great partners- until we weren't.
My best friend is still here and got me through it.

Wrapping your whole being in one person isn't healthy.
I did this with my first fiancé.... and that's why I found it so hard to leave his abuse. It allowed him to erode every thing.
It's why I read so many threads from women devastated when the man leaves.

Men come and go, true friendship is forever.

Elsewyre · 22/09/2020 09:09

How would people feel if this was flipped.

I think if dp said he loved his best mate more than me I would find it bizarre and probbaly be leaving

lynsey91 · 22/09/2020 09:30

Personally I find it weird to not see your partner as your best friend. Why marry someone if you don't get on really well with them, want to be with them for the rest of your life etc?

I much prefer DH's company to anyone else's. He is definitely my best friend. I can tell him anything and talk about anything.

Obviously many don't get on that well with their OH and I find that sad.

I asked a work colleague once if she enjoyed her honeymoon (they were both only in their 20's) and she said she was glad to be home as she had found it boring just him and her! Needless to say that marriage didn't last over 10 years

You can't not let you OH be your best friend because they might die. So might your female best friend. Or because they might leave you, have an affair or whatever. What is the point of thinking that?

We have been married 40 years. Fairly sure DH is not going to up and leave me and he definitely isn't going to have an affair nor has he ever had one. I totally trust him