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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's totally normal to love and like your best female friend more than your husband?

331 replies

mimblefish · 16/09/2020 00:15

What the title says, really. I am in constant contact with my best female friend. I adore her, she is the other half of me. My husband has never been remotely bothered about this, I love him and he's a nice man and I find him very funny and he is my best friend after her. We have never had any problems.

A bisexual friend of mine said recently that if she was married to me, she'd feel really threatened by my relationship with my best friend. Now, I am not sexually attracted to best friend at all. If it was between her and husband I'd probably pick her to pull out of a burning building, but that doesn't mean it's a romantic attraction. I get that things might be more complicated if you're not straight, but, eh. What do you think, mumsnet? AIBU to think lots of women love their best friends more than anyone but their children?

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 16/09/2020 07:38

No, I don't relate, but then I don't have one bestie. I have some very close friends, but I would in no way consider myself to love any one of them more than my DH. I am, however, very close to my DSis, probably because of the traumatic childhood we both went through, so we've had each other's backs all through our lives.

Even so, however, my DH is without doubt my real best friend. That's also helped by the fact that we're a team, as we've been bringing up two adopted DDs (now 11 and 8) with their own challenges. And my DSis would say the same. We both have DHs we really love, so that's an important reason, however.

twilightermummy · 16/09/2020 07:42

I completely understand this. She’s probably almost like a sister. There’s also the fact that many marriages end in divorce and who will be there when he’s long gone? I think your relationship sounds lovely.

SwedishK · 16/09/2020 07:42

I can see where you are coming from. Me and my best friend have been friends for over 35 years. We grew up together, went to school together, we tried alcohol for the first time together etc. We lived together on and off in our late teens/early 20’. I am closer to her than I am to my husband. She has also always treated me better. She never annoys me or expects me to put my own needs on the back burner so she can go and fulfill her dreams. She has never got drunk and forgot I existed or deliberately made me feel like I, or my time, is worth less than her(s).

It’s a much more equal and easy relationship and I would rather divorce my husband than lose my best friend.

Daisy12Maisie · 16/09/2020 07:45

After my children the person I would be most likely to pull from a burning building is my ex husband. He has been vile to me over the years but he is a very important person to our children.
I have lots of friends but my children and their family come first. I think it's very strange that you would let the children loose their dad rather than lose your friend. Unless he is step dad to the kids?

Gobbycop · 16/09/2020 07:46

Bit weird.

MrsMayo · 16/09/2020 07:48

What do you think, mumsnet? AIBU to think lots of women love their best friends more than anyone but their children?

No, my DH is my best friend. I like spending time with friends but I couldn't live with them .

Snog · 16/09/2020 07:49

I definitely love my BF more than my DP.
I never have had the level of emotional connection that I have with my best female friends with a man.

Oxyiz · 16/09/2020 07:51

Personally I think this sounds strange, and I would hate it if my husband felt that way in reverse.

But maybe on some level I'm threatened or envious or something? Not so much for OP's situation but I do love the idea of a tight-knit female community like ReallySpicyCurry's nan.

Mittens030869 · 16/09/2020 07:52

I remember my DH was taken aback by my close relationship with my DSis, by how often we talked on the phone/texted each other. Because he didn't have a relationship like that with his DB; they're close but they didn't feel the need to just chat because they wanted to.

So everyone is different, as is every marriage/friendship/sibling relationship. The fact that we can't relate to it doesn't make it wrong.

Tori2005 · 16/09/2020 07:59

I love this thread! - I have a very close group of friends there is 6 of us and we have been friends for over 25 years. We have been through marriages, divorces, endless children, ill health, death.
People at work cant understand how I maintain friendships and I see the same comments from lots of MN-ers about how friendships change as you get older. I think people dont realise you have to work at any relationship. Its not always pink and fluffy and wine filled.
Once over I would have sat on the fence on this, but realising that friendships really can last a lifetime and a man can blindside you without warning I would definitely drag my friend out and then shove Ex in !

MochaTime · 16/09/2020 07:59

No I don't feel this way. I wouldn't want to live with any of my closest female friends - we'd drive each other nuts. DH is definitely my best friend. And I'd be very upset if he said he preferred / would choose his best friend over me! The only person I'd put above DH is DD.

anarr · 16/09/2020 08:02

I'm very close with my best friend too so I understand to a point but I don't really compare my love for her and my love for my husband, to me they're two very different things. As some have said it could be that you married the wrong man, it could be that you'll always hold her above other people. I think if you're happy with him, you know you love him and you have a good relationship then maybe that's the case

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 16/09/2020 08:07

I can't say if you are being unreasonable or not. I have friends but don't have a best friend, well, I consider my DH my best friend.

Much as I love them, I would pull him out of a burning building before any friends but I would struggle if it was between him and my siblings. They'd probably all burn alive due to my indecision. 😂😂😂

TwizzledTurkey · 16/09/2020 08:11

Erm no.
My husband is my ultimate best friend, I think your not married to the right person if that's how you feel.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2020 08:12

No I find this weird. Does she feel the same?

StCharlotte · 16/09/2020 08:14

[quote chatterbugmegastar]@mimblefish - would your BFF adore you and you her, if you lived together 24/7?

Have you put that to the test?[/quote]
Yep. Shared a house in our 20s. Was immense fun.

I'm not saying it's totally normal but I don't think it's unusual.

Luckily for our respective husbands, we live four hours apart Grin

SleepingStandingUp · 16/09/2020 08:18

I wonder if people would be so horrified if it was ops sister she'd pull out of a birthing building first? Because it sounds more like a sibling relationship then just mates

ClementineWoolysocks · 16/09/2020 08:19

Nah, that's not normal at all. My other half comes before anybody else in my life and I come before anybody else in his. What's the point of sharing a life with someone who's always second?

*we don't have kids.

eaglejulesk · 16/09/2020 08:20

You'll get a pasting on here, though. The vast majority of women have accepted the delusion that "romantic" love is the central theme and validating guiding concept of their entire identity.

What utter rubbish. Have you ever considered that many women (and men) marry their best friend? I wouldn't marry anyone who I wasn't closer to than a friend.

MeetMeInMontauk · 16/09/2020 08:21

Weird flex, but ok OP

Aneley · 16/09/2020 08:25

What @Namechangearoo said. When I read your post, that was my first reaction too - it was not that you have feelings that are too strong for your BF, but that you may not be feeling much for your DH.

I have 3 BF - my DH, my father and my friend from uni that I share everything with. All three have special place in my life, all three are irreplaceable. I'd be completely devastated losing any one of them. I can't really compare them. But, my DH is the father of our child and someone I chose to spend my life with and is still the one I want to grow old with.

SpacePug · 16/09/2020 08:29

I know what you mean, I have a friend who I love and have always said to her 'if you died, id die too as I can't live without you' . I'm married with a almost 2 year old and things have changed a bit, I would say my DH is now more of a best friend, I think that's since my DC was born. Once you have a child they become number 1 for everything and I've seen less of my friend sadly (just life getting in the way) but before I was married and had DS I would have said my best friend was my favourite person

cooliebrown · 16/09/2020 08:38

was certainly the case for my dear-departed mother and her best friend. Father was pretty horrible to be fair (unaddressed MH)...

GreyShadow · 16/09/2020 08:39

Omg some of these comments. Call me a bitter old women but sadly, according to the most recent statistics, almost half of your amazing best friend marriages won't last. :(

Yes it's wonderful and great to have your husband as your best mate, but what happens if it ends?

Having a female best friend is deep and intense and they love you through thick and thin. I've had a 20 year marriage to my "soul mate" and two other long term relationships end, but my besties are still here.

One of my besties are also planning, half jokingly, our retirement together.

I genuinely feel sorry for those that invest all their friendship in their husbands. But as I said I'm old and have seen it all :)

So in answer to OP, yes I completely understand the deep love for your BFF. However the burning burning building situation I can't fathom, it's like asking which child would I pick.

I love my besties (I'm blessed to have 2) but it's a different love to a partner.

GreyShadow · 16/09/2020 08:43

Cynical not bitter!