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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH 19yo has just made contact with him - is it bad to leave him for it?

271 replies

stepmummytoomany · 15/09/2020 08:02

My OH and I have been together for 2 years. He is 40 and I am 26, we get on really well, he has 2 children from a previous relationship they are 5 and 3. We have split custody of them so they live with us half of the month. I am very involved in their lives and love being their step mummy. I am very happy with our little blended family. I do not have any children of my own yet but I want them.

I recently found out (about 4 months ago) that my OH has another 2 children from a 1 night stand when he was 20, making them 19 now. He has never met them or seen them, he paid CSA for them but the mum didnt want him in their life, they thought another man was their Dad so were none the wiser. This year 1 of them got ill so they found out the truth about their dad being their step dad from a blood test. 1 of them has recently made contact with my OH. I am happy that she has made contact because I know it has always been on my OH mind, but I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle the fact he now has 4 children actively in his life. I dont know if I can be 5th on his love list. rightfully so the children should come before me but I think its all too much for me. I dont know what to do as I am so involved with the 2 younger children. Also does not help that my OH has had a vasectomy, he has always said he would get it reversed so he could biologically be the father of my child/children, but if it doesn't work can I cope knowing im the only one he doesnt have biological children with? Advice needed please. Please dont tell me im acting shallow, I already know that I just need to think of myself for a minute.

OP posts:
Marisishidinginmyattic · 15/09/2020 08:06

I might be old fashioned but I couldn’t be with a man who was happy to ignore his child for 19 years on the basis that the mum apparently didn’t want him in their lives. A dad should fight to see his children and not just see the ones whose mothers make it easy to do so. So, personally I’d be out.

BaylisAndHardon · 15/09/2020 08:08

I think it's best to get out if you are having these feelings. You are young and can find someone who is at a similar life stage. That's not to say you can't have someone older, but maybe someone without children if you are concerned about that affecting the relationship. There are so many sad stories about step children vs biological children, that if you are not 100% on board, it's best to leave. For your sake and theirs.

Eekay · 15/09/2020 08:09

You're not being shallow IMO. You went into the relationship knowing about the LOs and obviously felt it was working for all concerned. Him not telling you he had two other children is astounding. Absolutely horrible deceit. Poor kids, and poor you.
In your shoes, particularly if you want children of your own, I would end the relationship. Very hard when you and the LOs are attached, but this man has conned you and you're still very young. Don't get tied down with someone who can lie about such a huge thing . He's not the person to have a baby with.

Sanitisethat · 15/09/2020 08:10

YANBU. You can leave a person for any reason you like. And I totally understand why you would struggle to be with someone who didn’t fight to be in his own children’s lives for 19 years.

I would also be concerned that he won’t ever want kids with you. Vasectomies can usually be reversed, but the fact that he had one suggests he was really done with having kids. The fact that two more have since come back into his life may make him decide he’s done having children.

TheEC · 15/09/2020 08:10

YABU. And the last thing I would EVER want to do is have a child with a man who would happily ignore contact from his child, especially at the wishes of a partner. His children will always come first. You need to decide if you are ok with that or not. Because if/when your LO comes along you won’t be a new little family, you still won’t be his number 1 or top priority. He will have a lot to juggle and it will be serious hard work and you need to be entirely on board with that and go in with your eyes open.

BaylisAndHardon · 15/09/2020 08:11

I also agree with PP- and remember that if he can treat his other children with such disregard, he could treat yours similarly, should you ever split up. This is not a man who should be having even more children.

Nicetableinnit · 15/09/2020 08:11

Run for the hills, you’re only 26 and have another life ahead of you including children of your own.
I wouldn’t trust a man who didn’t see his children for 19 years - the whole BS bit about the evil mother stopping him seeing his children etc. Is often the excuse but there was nothing to stop this man being a father to his children other than inconvenience to him of raising kids he had by accident. Leave him.

Queenoftheashes · 15/09/2020 08:11

This isn’t a lot of baggage and you are right that you’ll miss out on being his priority. At your age, I’d sack him off and find someone else tbh.

Queenoftheashes · 15/09/2020 08:12

Is a lot of baggage not isn’t

LockdownLemon · 15/09/2020 08:14

You are 26 and can choose to do whatever you like. You can leave, find someone without DC, who hasn't had a vasectomy and have as many DC as you like. Or you can stay with your OH, be involved in your SDC's life and try for your own kids with your partner. Only you can decide. Neither route is right or wrong. If I were your mum, I'd recommend the first option as your chances of having your own DC with a partner who cares for them equally with you are much higher.

Original poster
stepmummytoomany · 15/09/2020 08:14

I have always thought that too but he didnt find out about them until they were 11. The mum had raised them with another man who thought they were his. They split up and the step dad went for custody, the mum bitterly turned round and said they wasnt his and my OH was called in for a blood test. He went to court to fight for access to them but lost a losing battle as the step dad who had been there for 11 years was also doing the same. I know it has been a tough 8 years for him knowing theyre out there but not being able to be apart of their lives. He is really happy one of them has made contact but the other one isnt interested.

OP posts:
TheSeedsOfADream · 15/09/2020 08:14

The thing that would be eating at me is that this is a man who seems pretty ok with having kids and moving on. He's 40. He's probably not going to change. I'd take the fact the the mother of his older children is the one who didn't want contact with a pinch of salt too.

Delbelleber · 15/09/2020 08:15

He was 38 when he started going out with you at 24yr old? Sounds like a creep to me.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 15/09/2020 08:16

A one night stand twenty years ago, and the decisions that he made as a twenty year old?
I can see that he may have genuinely thought it best to just pay maintenance and respect mothers wishes to keep out of their lives.
I wouldn't necessarily end it for that - however your view of being fifth in his priorities sounds odd - would you think that if you had four children together?
If he has already had 4 children, having more seems excessive - but is there any reason for thinking that if he did have a reversal, you wouldn't conceive?

steppemum · 15/09/2020 08:18

I think the thing that stands out for me from your post is that you are only 26 (that is still very young, you have loads of time), yo your own kids, but he already has 4, and is 40, and has a vasectomy.

The looser in this relationship is going to be you.
I would leave. I know that is a really hard thing to say, but I can't see this ending well, and you may waste years more waiting to see if it will work.

RobertSmithsWig · 15/09/2020 08:20

Personally I would walk away. Nothing wrong with being realistic, and it could save you a lot of heartache in the long run. You want children with this man who has 4 already (let's hope he's not hiding any more), who will need a reversal of his vasectomy (no guarantees with that) and who it's doubtful has any real enthusiasm for more children. I had similar with an older boyfriend decades ago. I knew he had 2 young children, but he failed to mention an older one with a previous partner. I walked away. The lying by ommision was bad enough, but he'd been there done that a few times already and, frankly I wanted to feel special, not one in a series.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2020 08:20

Older kids aside, do you really want to devote your life, your time, finances, freedom, childbearing years, to a man and his two very young children with little to no chance of getting to be a mum yourself?

Marisishidinginmyattic · 15/09/2020 08:22

@stepmummytoomany

I have always thought that too but he didnt find out about them until they were 11. The mum had raised them with another man who thought they were his. They split up and the step dad went for custody, the mum bitterly turned round and said they wasnt his and my OH was called in for a blood test. He went to court to fight for access to them but lost a losing battle as the step dad who had been there for 11 years was also doing the same. I know it has been a tough 8 years for him knowing theyre out there but not being able to be apart of their lives. He is really happy one of them has made contact but the other one isnt interested.
Oh, I feel sad for you that you believe that story. He wouldn’t be denied access just because they have an involved stepdad. Contact offered might have been slow and built up over time but he wouldn’t have been denied it.
ColleagueFromMars · 15/09/2020 08:23

I voted YABU just because I read your post as if you would be making or influencing the decision - the decision over whether or not to respond to contact is his alone not yours. I sincerely hope he does because it's not about him but his 19 year old children. I have my doubts about the story that their mother kept them from him, and i wonder of she would tell a different story.

You have a hell of an age gap and I wonder gently why a 40 year old man wants a 26 year old woman. I think I'd move on if I were in your shoes.

TurtleBabies · 15/09/2020 08:24

You didn't choose this - he hid their existence from you for nearly 2 years.
You're 26 - this is SO young. Most of my female friends I know didn't meet the father of their children till well after age 26. I really think you should cut your losses and find someone else to have kids with. Good luck Flowers

nestisflown · 15/09/2020 08:25

I recently found out (about 4 months ago) that my OH has another 2 children from a 1 night stand when he was 20, making them 19 now. He has never met them or seen them, he paid CSA for them but the mum didnt want him in their life, they thought another man was their Dad so were none the wiser.

I would end the relationship on that basis alone.

  1. He concealed the existence of 2 of his children from you for 2 years of your relationship.

  2. He has used his children’s mother as an excuse for not seeing them. I grew up in an area with high levels of teen pregnancies- and my friends that had babies young with useless teen or young fathers did everything to accommodate having the toxic useless father in their lives. I cannot for a second believe that a 17-20 year old young mum would refuse access to the father of her TWINS - it’s a scary time for her and she needs all the help she can get. The more likely story is that like many of the fathers of my friends babies, your partner at 20 refused to see the children for the first few years of his children’s’ life. And then he sees his ex settled with a new man on the scene and non commitedly tries to cause trouble and get access due to jealousy. And when the slightly older, wiser mum of his children refuses because he’s effectively a stranger to the twins- he leaves it at that and doesn’t fight for access.

  3. He didn’t fight for access and was happy to have no part whatsoever in his child’s life.

He’s a useless, awful man who lied to you and abandoned his own children. That’s reason enough to end the relationship - you don’t need to consider your other points about being low on his priority list.

liveitwell · 15/09/2020 08:26

@stepmummytoomany

I have always thought that too but he didnt find out about them until they were 11. The mum had raised them with another man who thought they were his. They split up and the step dad went for custody, the mum bitterly turned round and said they wasnt his and my OH was called in for a blood test. He went to court to fight for access to them but lost a losing battle as the step dad who had been there for 11 years was also doing the same. I know it has been a tough 8 years for him knowing theyre out there but not being able to be apart of their lives. He is really happy one of them has made contact but the other one isnt interested.
I would want to hear the mums side of the story.

I know too many men who proclaim the mother keeps them from the children when I know full well that's not the case.

Why wasn't he upfront about them to you earlier?

Move on, meet a nice guy who is in a similar situation to you.

Swimmingwiththebees · 15/09/2020 08:27

It sounds like you know the answer here. Him having 4 other children is a lot for you at 26 (with no children) to deal with. It is a lot of baggage.

In terms of the vasectomy, a reversal is by no means guaranteed as successful. The longer since he had the reversal, the less chance there is of success. Even if he is prepared to go ahead with this (which you will never truly know until he does), there is a high chance you won't have children easily. I think you need to be able to accept the very real possibility that you may never be able to have your own children with this man. Could you accept that? Would you still want to be with him if so? If the answer is no or you are not sure, I think you're best ending this before you get any more involved with his young children or you go down a path to reversing his vasectomy.

nestisflown · 15/09/2020 08:27

@nestisflown

I recently found out (about 4 months ago) that my OH has another 2 children from a 1 night stand when he was 20, making them 19 now. He has never met them or seen them, he paid CSA for them but the mum didnt want him in their life, they thought another man was their Dad so were none the wiser.

I would end the relationship on that basis alone.

  1. He concealed the existence of 2 of his children from you for 2 years of your relationship.

  2. He has used his children’s mother as an excuse for not seeing them. I grew up in an area with high levels of teen pregnancies- and my friends that had babies young with useless teen or young fathers did everything to accommodate having the toxic useless father in their lives. I cannot for a second believe that a 17-20 year old young mum would refuse access to the father of her TWINS - it’s a scary time for her and she needs all the help she can get. The more likely story is that like many of the fathers of my friends babies, your partner at 20 refused to see the children for the first few years of his children’s’ life. And then he sees his ex settled with a new man on the scene and non commitedly tries to cause trouble and get access due to jealousy. And when the slightly older, wiser mum of his children refuses because he’s effectively a stranger to the twins- he leaves it at that and doesn’t fight for access.

  3. He didn’t fight for access and was happy to have no part whatsoever in his child’s life.

He’s a useless, awful man who lied to you and abandoned his own children. That’s reason enough to end the relationship - you don’t need to consider your other points about being low on his priority list.

Ok I missed your update OP so you can ignore this post. But do you really believe this story about him fighting for custody? And how come the children only found out now about their dad then if the custody battles with their step father and biological father took place 8 years ago?
Hershellina · 15/09/2020 08:28

That's a hell of a big thing for him to have hidden from you for so long (and he only ever told you because he was forced into it).

I would not be able to trust a guy who kept massive secrets from me for so long. I would be wondering what else he was hiding. I wouldn't be able to stay with him on that basis.