OH 19yo has just made contact with him - is it bad to leave him for it?

[stepmummytoomany]

My OH and I have been together for 2 years. He is 40 and I am 26, we get on really well, he has 2 children from a previous relationship they are 5 and 3. We have split custody of them so they live with us half of the month. I am very involved in their lives and love being their step mummy. I am very happy with our little blended family. I do not have any children of my own yet but I want them.

I recently found out (about 4 months ago) that my OH has another 2 children from a 1 night stand when he was 20, making them 19 now. He has never met them or seen them, he paid CSA for them but the mum didnt want him in their life, they thought another man was their Dad so were none the wiser. This year 1 of them got ill so they found out the truth about their dad being their step dad from a blood test. 1 of them has recently made contact with my OH. I am happy that she has made contact because I know it has always been on my OH mind, but I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle the fact he now has 4 children actively in his life. I dont know if I can be 5th on his love list. rightfully so the children should come before me but I think its all too much for me. I dont know what to do as I am so involved with the 2 younger children. Also does not help that my OH has had a vasectomy, he has always said he would get it reversed so he could biologically be the father of my child/children, but if it doesn't work can I cope knowing im the only one he doesnt have biological children with? Advice needed please. Please dont tell me im acting shallow, I already know that I just need to think of myself for a minute.

TBH, given you want children, I don't think a man who has had a vasectomy and has 4 children already is the right person for you.

Op I'd run for the hills.
Your 26 young enough to find someone without such heavy baggage.
You also have no guarantee that he'll stick around for you, he's left a wife with a 1 year old and 3 year old. Those are very young children to walk out on.

Can he afford more children? The first two are kind of independent depending upon Uni / College. But the next two need financial support for years.

The little ones will forget you soon enough they are so young and it sounds like you are taking on a chunk of the wife work making it easy for him to see them.

I don't know if I can handle having 4 children actively in his life. I don't want to be 5th on his love list

I think you're looking at this from an odd perspective Op.
The main issue with his secret coming out is the fact that he's lied to you and proven that his own morals are questionable, as a father and partner.

However, your main issue appears to be a jealousy of the attention or time your partner might give to his 19year-old twins. This in part is because they are very close in age to you?

I don't think you'll leave him but perhaps take this reality check to think about your own financial security?

You're living in his home(?) not married, perhaps not earning as much because you have tiny step children to parent?
You might be putting yourself in a precarious position financially meaning further down the line, you don't have the means to leave.

I'm sure you're head's in a spin at the moment. I hope you have friends or family you can confide in and get support from

WittyFunnyUsername possibly because younger men haven't had time to build up baggage/years of bad behaviour?

I'm sure there are some lovely, relatively innocent, non world wise single 40-50 year old men out there. It's just that all the ones I know are kind of dodgy commitment phobics with a lot of baggage and a history of discarding women. Most of them weren't like that at 25.

I know it sounds very cynical, but people aren't commenting on your DH/DP, just others whom they have known.

The main thing for me is that he's got four kids and had a vasectomy. Whatever he says about reversals, and he might genuinely mean it to make you happy, the bottom line is he (very sensibly) didn't want more kids to the extent that he had the snip. He's at a totally different life stage and you have years of your life ahead of you to enjoy and explore with someone at a more compatible stage. I don't think he sounds awful or that he abandoned his kids, your update makes that clear, but I think this is a good time to call it quits and move on. Let him focus on parenting his kids and you have plenty of time to have your own.

@YouJustDoYou

It's something I don't come across in real life, thankfully

Lol, that's because no one says it to your face, love 😂

For someone whose username is "YouJustDoYou" you clearly are very judgmental and patronising of people who are doing just that. People like you are the problem. Not people in happy, healthy relationships.

OP, good relationship should never ever feel that complicated. Even if what he is telling you about older children is true.. It is still awful lot of baggage.
You are young. Please give yourself a little break. Say 2 months.. Move out and try to see if you feel better without all these worries.
You say you want children, there is a very high possibility the vasectomy reversal won't work. Will you be happy raising someone else's children and never having your own?
Think also about 4 step children.. The adult ones given the history will likely cause a lot of turmoil. He will drop all your joint plans with no notice when his newly found adult children want/need him.
You say you have great relationships with the little ones. It might not last. They will become stroppy teens and will tell you off and mind your own business after years of you doing everything for them. Remember because of his vasectomy you might not even have your own children.
You are not going to be a second best, you will be a 5th best!

I was in a situation like yours with the kids. I had a DP with two young kids and I moved in with him and took over the role of StemMum when we had the kids which was two days a week and weekends.
I adored them and they adored me but I then found out something about my then DP that I could not stomach and live with. I had to leave so we decided to tell the kids that I had 'gone away with work'. Each time the kids came to DP they asked after me and he repeated it. They gradually accepted that I wasn't there and eventually ExDP told them I liked the job so much I was staying. They made me some cards which were sent on to me which broke my heart but I believe in reality I was in more pain than they were by that time. They are both adults now and have both contacted me via FB. Obviously I have never told them the real reson I left their DDad.

A good excuse for your absence and then the passage of time is my advice. Leave though. In a few years you will look back and wonder what you were thinking.

You're not in too deep to leave.

It would be ok to leave if that's what you decide. Perfectly understandable in fact. If you couldn't get over your partner having 2 kids your own age I wouldn't blame you.

Op, you said this in your latest post:

Even though the whole custody battle was going on when they were 11. He spoke with the mum of the older children and decided it was best that the 2 older children carried on believing the step Dad was their Dad. He thought it was best not to disrupt them and their family life anymore then it already had been. It was a mutual decision between all parties

But in an earlier post you said:

He went to court to fight for access to them but lost a losing battle as the step dad who had been there for 11 years was also doing the same

These statements contradict each other.

Also, you say when he found out they were 18 he thought about contacting them what do you mean by ‘when he found out they were 18’? I mean, he’d known about them for 7 years at that point, and he presumably knows that time passes and people age so them turning 18 shouldn’t have been something he found out , it should have been something he was well aware of. And it shouldn’t have only been then that he thought about contacting them. He should have been thinking about it long before he found out they were 18.

His tale has more holes than a colander I’m afraid.

I’m curious if you look after the children for him. Does he do the main childcare when he has them or does he carry on his life with minimal impact and you pick up the slack. Do you work? I hope so.

Run. The hills are that way. No good will come of this for you. Find a man your own age who hasn't left a trail of tears behind him.

What makes you think if he has a child with you that he will stay

His history says he has a baby, then moves on to somebody new

Far too much baggage

Walk away. You’re 26 - the world is your oyster. Too much baggage, which will be present in your life forever, so if you’re struggling now, things aren’t going to get better. If he can be so flippant about not having contact with his older DCs for so long, just think he could be the same over yours if you had a child with him, should your relationship break down.

I would split up with him, he is probably done with having children, you don’t need this baggage at your age and there is too big an age gap too.

I starting seeing somebody who was 38 when I was 24 and I didn’t think too much of the age difference. But I am glad we split up, I am 50 now and he will be 65 in December, my husband is 46 and I think that is a better age fit for me now.

Feel like my whole life with all these children would be an episode of Jeremy Kyle

You said it OP.
He isn’t the one for you.

I'd also be thinking, do I really want a child with someone who is only having one to keep me happy?

Because let's face it. Your partner doesn't really want more kids. No one has a vasectomy if they aren't sure they don't want more. And his was only done recently so not like he can say he was young and stupid and didn't think about it.

He's saying he'll reverse it and have another with you because that's what you want, not what he wants. He knew it was the only way he'd get s relationship with you.

if I decide to leave then he definitely doesn't want anymore children.

This also jumps out at me. You made it a condition of dating that he'd have to reverse his vasectomy. He's going through with it to keep you. This may be proof of how much he loves you, but it's not really great for your baby. Makes it even more likely that it'll be your baby, fulfilling that babymama no3 role you mentioned, and be easier for him to move on if your relationship hits hurdles. Imagine how much better it would be to find a DP who really wants to have a baby with you and go on the whole journey together without all his decades of baggage. And you're right, his kids being closer in age to you isn't delightful either. I'd be glad of the good times, but extricate myself from these complicated family ties and focus on enjoying your mid-twenties.

There are two kids from one night stands?? I may have misread. Are they twins or were there two one night stands.
Honestly I would run for the hills. He’s practically from a different generation than you. He’s had his fill of kids. There’s no guarantee a reversal will work. The reality is you will always be last on his list of priorities. I say this with kindness having been in the same situation of being with someone who had a young daughter when we got together. It does sound a little bit like you’re playing house at the moment, being a part time mummy.
The whole bit about the mother of the kids refusing to allow him to be involved sounds a bit like a cop out and also why did he split with the mother of the little ones. Were you involved in that situation?
I wouldn’t give him the time of day never mind get in a serious relationship with someone like this. You should be enjoying your life with your friends and having new experiences, not playing at mum and being way down someone’s priority list.

You are 26 - why would you want all this shit ?

The little ones will forget you soon enough they are so young and it sounds like you are taking on a chunk of the wife work making it easy for him to see them.

He's also likely, if you leave (which I think you should) to meet and move in another, younger girlfriend in not too much time. He's obviously not keen on responsibility.

It's sad but they're so young that they'll be fine that you left. They aren't your responsibility, including emotionally. They will be absolutely fine, they have someone you describe as a good father and they already have a lovely mother and step father. You leaving isn't going to change any of that.

He’s got kids 7 years younger than you.

He’s had a vasectomy and doesn’t want more kids except for with you.

You’re already in a blended family without the new ones popping up.

Life isn’t supposed to be this hard when you’re 26. I say this as a step mum. You’re going to be making a lot of sacrifices; one of those sacrifices could be having your own child.

Think long and hard about whether this relationship will go the long term. You’re only two years in. You’re only 26. He’s already left a significant part of his life out, and presumably asked his ex wife to not say an thing either.

@stepmummytoomany you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please don’t get dragged into this soap opera. This would be a challenging scenario for a woman of any age but if you had a longer and more established relationship and your own shared children, I think it would be different. But the reality is that your ‘D’P has two adult children who you don’t know and didn’t know about. Plus he has had a vasectomy and may not be able to get it reversed - are you really happy to accept having no children of your own?

I realise it might be hard on the two youngest but they are truly not your responsibility. I understand this will not be easy.

But if you were my daughter I’d advise you to run run run - and find someone at the same life stage as you.

I’m so sorry

Also - the children are not your responsibility. If he split with you, you wouldn’t remain in their lives. If everyone said (and believed) what you said in your earlier post, no one would ever divorce.

@stepmummytoomany

His ex wife (the one he has 2 young children with) knows about the older 2 children, he went for the tests and had to pay the CSA straight away. They found out just before they were getting married

And did she have any apology or explanation for why she has had this close co-parenting relationship with you but decided to let you remain ignorant of this MASSIVE piece of information? My trust and respect for her would be shot to pieces to tbh. Sounds like you're being taken for a mug by everyone involved.

But I need to decide if it is worth going ahead with the appt because if I decide to leave then he definitely doesn't want anymore children.

I'm sorry lass but that means he doesn't want anymore children. A child is a permanent decision, if you have one together he becomes a father whether you then decide to stay for the long haul or not. I mean not to be too dramatic but what if you die? Do you really want to have a kid with someone who only wants the child if it comes with a side order of nubile sex and childcare?

Feel like my whole life with all these children would be an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

That's because it would. Complete with lie detector tests, recriminations and humiliating loss of dignity. And be assured you're very unlikely to end up 'Baby Mama 3' of 3; assuming he has a child with you (when he DEFINITELY didn't want any more after splitting with his ex wife) I imagine if you do split up with him in future, then he will need another trusting young woman to do his childcare for him (3 young children now!) and she may also require placating with a baby of her own...

Men like this don't change.