OH 19yo has just made contact with him - is it bad to leave him for it?

[stepmummytoomany]

My OH and I have been together for 2 years. He is 40 and I am 26, we get on really well, he has 2 children from a previous relationship they are 5 and 3. We have split custody of them so they live with us half of the month. I am very involved in their lives and love being their step mummy. I am very happy with our little blended family. I do not have any children of my own yet but I want them.

I recently found out (about 4 months ago) that my OH has another 2 children from a 1 night stand when he was 20, making them 19 now. He has never met them or seen them, he paid CSA for them but the mum didnt want him in their life, they thought another man was their Dad so were none the wiser. This year 1 of them got ill so they found out the truth about their dad being their step dad from a blood test. 1 of them has recently made contact with my OH. I am happy that she has made contact because I know it has always been on my OH mind, but I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle the fact he now has 4 children actively in his life. I dont know if I can be 5th on his love list. rightfully so the children should come before me but I think its all too much for me. I dont know what to do as I am so involved with the 2 younger children. Also does not help that my OH has had a vasectomy, he has always said he would get it reversed so he could biologically be the father of my child/children, but if it doesn't work can I cope knowing im the only one he doesnt have biological children with? Advice needed please. Please dont tell me im acting shallow, I already know that I just need to think of myself for a minute.

I dont think him having children is the problem. The problem is the vasectomy. It is a statement of his intentions, no more kids. You are 26 and want children so I think you had better leave this one alone, his kids already have a mummy so they won´t be orphans and move on.´
As for those who say that what woman would hide the existence of kids to their real father and pass them on as someone elses...ehem that is as old as the hills.
My workmate fell pregnant from a one night stand, duly informed the actual father that she didnt want anything from him, no money no nothing, he wouldn´t appear on the birth certificate, as her body her kids her decisions. I did ask her if there was anything wrong with the guy, no, perfectly decent, she just didn´t want to share decision making and custody. I did tell her that that kid would start asking questions...This guy would have a very uphill battle to get into this kid´s life and an expensive one. So yes, there are women like this...

I am just a random poster on the internet and you are obviously a very wise 26 year old who has worked hard to co-parent your step children. Your partner sounds like a good person who does what to do his best for his children. But I think you know, you will be doing a massive disservice to yourself if you stay. You can’t stay in a relationship because it will hurt your step children. It is horribly, horribly unfair all round, but you will as you note be last on the list of priorities. You also know you want children, you have time to meet another partner who doesn’t have 4 children already.

Yes sorry the 2 older secret children are twins, I do not why I dont refer to them as such. Probably because only 1 has made contact so in my mind theyre not twins. Who knows but yes they are in fact twins.

I feel like everyones quick to judge my OH, personally its not him thats the problem, its not our age gap thats the problem ( he is infact 39 and 40 this year but I say he is 40 already cos well he practically is) we get on amazingly well as a couple. We met each other at work. We work in the same team (no he is not my boss and no he does not have any power over me at work) we were friends for 2 years before we decided to start dating. Him and baby mumma no2 split up then she found out she was pregnant. They dont believe in abortion especially as they had already had a child together so they decided to have the baby even though they were no longer husband and wife. They simply grew out of love and she found herself wanting to be wtih another man (she didnt act on this she just found that she was enjoying attention from other people and it questioned their relationship) they were together for 13 years and just ended up being best of friends. There was no love in their relationship for a long while. I had met both of his children from a very young age at work events like "bring your kid to work day" ect. We have known each other for 4 years, so when we started dating it wasnt the same as jumping in and meeting the children as they already knew me for me and I already knew them. As far as they were concerned I was just 1 of Daddys friends. I know its a complicated a F*d up relationship we have going on but it works, until the twins turned up everything was good.

YANBU and you’re not shallow

As your OH had a vasectomy, that really is the pint to focus on as it illustrates that he didn’t want more children. Period. That really should be your main focus.

The fact that your OH was paying CSA for two children while with you and never mentioned it is, to me, the next biggest issue. Have I got thst right? You didn’t know about these twins? I can understand that their mother didn’t want him involved and as these twins are 19 years old, I know that back then things were quite different about getting proper visitation let alone joint custody of the children. Plus given what his age was at the time, he’d not likely to be mature enough to really realise what he was missing. Later in his life, the pattern would’ve been set and the twins already think their step dad is their father. So I get that. It is understandable that he wasn’t involved when their mother did t want it to happen and the twins had their own family of their mother and (step) dad.

Your OH redeemed himself with his two youngest having real joint custody as is much easier for fathers to get these days.

It’s the issue you didn’t know about these twins that would be my big issue.

At 19 years old, these twins should not supplant you in the pecking order. They also have had their own family set up. I shouldn’t imagine a 19 year old would be as demanding of your OH attention as the two younger children. Please don’t get hung up about that.

I do think you need to have serious discussion about your OH wanting any more children after having had a vasectomy. He’s not had it reversed to have a child with you - why not?

As for not telling you about the twins - why not? Do you know if there are other secrets out there you have not been told?

Hard to hear, but his little DC will be fine if (when) you leave. I was talking to my 12yo this morning and he has no memory at all of his childminder, a wonderful woman who looked after him until he started school. You'll be more upset than the DC.

Also hard to hear, but this from a PP is sadly spot on:

Do you really want to have a kid with someone who only wants the child if it comes with a side order of nubile sex and childcare?

Any thoughts about the replies people have spent time writing, OP?

I’m the same age as you. Well ok I’m 27 but who is counting.
I’ve got a 9 month of with DP. He’s 10yra older than me

I really struggled when we got together that he was divorced and sometimes still resent it (no children with ex) and it had ended e long time ago ( wasn’t his last relationship or long term relationship.

I couldn’t imagine having the kind of relationship you’re in so I don’t think it’s selfish the way you’re feeling.

You and DP need to have a very honest chat about your futures and you need to think of yourself and make sure you’re happy and if you’re not I think you need to remember that you’re only 26 and you have time and options.

@Marisishidinginmyattic

I might be old fashioned but I couldn’t be with a man who was happy to ignore his child for 19 years on the basis that the mum apparently didn’t want him in their lives. A dad should fight to see his children and not just see the ones whose mothers make it easy to do so. So, personally I’d be out.

^ This!!

Just to add I also think it's unwise and unfair to have a child with someone you know is 100% only doing it to make you stay in the relationship.

It's not fair on the baby. And don't you want to, at 26, give yourself time to meet someone who would be thrilled to become a dad and likely go through the pregnancy and fatherhood excited about each stage and not resentful or regretful about it? I feel like you want out but the immediate consequences feel too big.

Don't make long term decisions based on short term fallout. Much better to leave now - the longer you stay the more trapped you'll feel. At the moment you aren't trapped at all.

Don't give this man your most fertile years, it's silly.

I agree his story is full of holes and doesn’t add up. The story about searching FB for someone who looks like you is just nonsense. That’s not even how Fb works .

He’s also told you that “ he definitely doesn't want any more children “. Listen to him.

He left his ex when she has a tiny baby and a toddler . He has a shit record as a partner and as a parent. You are almost certainly going to end up at 30 as a single mum while he buggers off with a cute young free and single 22 year old.

Tell me something @stepmummytoomany - how do his children of 3 and 5 live with you half the month ? Do they go to a childminder or nursery while he works full time? Or is he part time ? Does he do all the pick ups from childminder / nursery and do all the care for them in evenings and weekends ?

How did he care for his children half time between splitting up with his ex wife and meeting you ?

To me it doesn’t sound as if he is a bad man or a bad dad but he undoubtedly has a great deal of baggage which would be a lot for any woman to take on let alone a 26 yo. You are also determined that you want your own biological family if possible which could be hard with him. I think you have very good reasons to end this and find someone else.

When he decided to have a vasectomy, he knew he had four children.

That's enough for anyone, don't you think? Four kids?

He isn't going to want more and he's stringing you along, probably because you are so lovely and good with kids. He's never had to solo parent, has he? You do loads for the kids, don't you?

I'm not going to say 'bin him off' because I get that it's complicated, but be really honest with yourself OP and see if you can work out how your own children will fit into this man's life. Because I don't think they ever will.

I have experience of various parts of this equation. I have a DSD who made contact with DH when she was 18. I love her dearly. That wouldn’t be my biggest worry.

As others have said, the vasectomy is a big deal. My close friend married a man who promised to get his reversed, delayed for 4 years and then admitted he had changed his mind. They divorced. But in any case the statistics for success of vasectomy reversal are not great.

On balance I’d advise you to get out, OP.

OP, this is for ever, you would be 5th in his life forever. 🌺

Walk away.

Ok, I will play devil's advocate. Have read all the OP's posts but not TWT.

Coming from a complicated family myself I can say there isn't a right or wrong answer to this. People may question judgements your partner has made in the past about his involvement with children he didn't know at the time he has fathered, but I think wanting some involvement with them now shows that he has matured with time (which is something that not everybody does). Big secrets can take time to tell, the fact that he wants to share them now after knowing you for 2 years may indicate that his trust in you has grown, not that he is and always will be an evil SOB.

Bear in mind that parenting a 19/20 year old is not the same as parenting a toddler. They are adult now, and hopefully have a lot of responsibility for their own life. They may be mature and responsible people who don't want to be an emotional and/or financial drain on their biological parent. You won't know unless you meet them (and only one of them sounds currently interested).

It sounds as if you are a wonderful step mother and your mature outlook could be a good example for some of the other threads I have read on MN.

Reversal of vasectomy is not something men usually do lightly, again this indicates that he really would love to have children with you.

How many children is too many? The question is different for everybody. Nowadays 2 children is the average....but I have a couple of friends with 4+ children who seem deleriously happy (if slightly insane IMHO!!).

Decades ago it would not be at all uncommon for people to have 5 or 6 children and if both parents had decided that 'family' was what they wanted from life then that's absolutely fine.

However I do agree with other PP that at the moment you need to decide what YOU want. If you go down this route of having children with this man you are going to be tied in somewhat to a large blended family, which will be all the more difficult if you decide later on to have a major career change (wanting to study, or work away) or if you want to do exciting travel, or if you decide at some point you just want a 'simpler' quiet life!!

My advice would be to take some time by yourself to decide what you want, maybe take a step back from him for 3-6 months and possibly live by yourself, possibly date a few other people. You still have plenty of time in terms of your age.

If you truly love eachother then the love will still be there in 6-12 months time.

Some counselling, individual or together may also help to resolve some issues.

Hope my alternative point of view helps!

Have only read your updates - two things stand out to me, why didn’t he tell you about the twins? That’s weird.

Also your age gap is not ideal for kids. And vasectomy reversals don’t always work. I dunno - you seem very fascinated with him considering he just sounds like a normal bloke.

This is all starting to sound so convenient.

Not read many posts but the fact the eldest step children are 19 means they are not children so your relationship with them will not be as children but as adults who hopefully you can get along with - so it's not like you have 4 ''children'' who are not yours. I do wonder whether you will have your own child but that may be OK for you eventually. Your DH should have told you about his 2 oldest when he met you - not something that should have slipped his mind! His op. meant HE did not want any more!

I don't want to say too much about my own personal circumstances but I was in a very similar situation to you when I was in my mid-20s, I was in a relationship with a guy who was in his 40s. He had children from his previous marriage who were teenagers. Everything seemed fine at first, I got on well with the kids but it all went sour quite quickly. I'd rather not go into the details as it was so long ago and honestly it's still a really sore point with me - it would not be an exaggeration to say that it was one of the worst periods of my life, that's what it felt like at the time, my mental health took a real battering from the stress of it all. I felt really torn because I had genuine feelings for the guy and wanted to be with him but I knew also that life was not going to be simple or easy if I chose to stay with him. Now I'm in my 30s with the benefit of hindsight, I just don't think I was emotionally mature enough to deal with it and I think being stubborn and young I dug my heels in and stuck around when I should have just admitted it was too much for me to handle and left. I remember discussing it with an older woman who had been in a similar relationship and even all these years later I remember she said to me that I had chosen a really hard path for a young woman and my gran also said something similar.

I don't really have any good advice except for to make sure you're not putting your own happiness/wishes for the future (like, having a child) at the bottom of the pile because you feel some kind of obligation to stay in this relationship.

'He went to court to fight for access to them but lost a losing battle as the step dad who had been there for 11 years was also doing the same. '

I'd be stunned if this were actually true. He's kept this from you for 2 years. I'd leave him. Don't worry about what anyone thinks, most women would leave him under these circumstances, he's not to be trusted.

So you knew him for 2 years and he knowingly went into a relationship with you lying about his secret twins. It isn't the twins you have a problem with deep down it's the big lie.

It seems from your posts you want reassurance that this is workable and will be OK. In fairness to you, you have been very open but people cannot ignore the red flags even if you are not ready to hear them. This thread is not going to give you the answers you hoped for. But most of the comments are coming from a place of concern for you.

@AvonCallingBarksdale

So you’ve been together 2 years and his youngest child is 3, meaning he fucked off when they were still a baby. Nice. What a catch. You’re 26 - honestly, go now.

Honestly, this is all that needs to be said. Even if he didn't also have 19 year old twins that he didn't tell you about at first there is enough evidence in that sentence to show you that you are actually a convenient babysitter for his 50:50 custody.

It’s not unreasonable to be overwhelmed by this. It’s wise of you actually to think of it because obviously you realize that decent men out their children first and having two more is a shock.

However, it’s very unlikely that he will ever had a normal bonded father-child relationship with the twins. Their mother keeping them from knowing about him until they were 18 will have likely destroyed any chance of that.

Given that you are in a happy relationship with him and love his two little ones, I think you should take time to work through your feelings and figure out how you feel.

Also just hold off on trying to have a baby for now. Give both you and him some time to process all of this.

Also recognize that a new baby will change the dynamic with the little children. No matter how much you love them it’s going to me they are no longer first in line for your love.

I could cope with a 20 year old who thought it best to pay up maintenance and respect mothers wishes as a one night stand. If you are happy being Step Mom to his two youngest children that is great. You may find you can be a friend to his oldest dd who he may not see all that much of. The real bone of contention is even if he has a vasectomy reversal it may not be successful. I would ask him to get reversal and see if you can conceive before making any decisions about leaving him if you are happy together. I have three biological children from my first marriage and one foster child with my second husband. I can honestly say I love all my children including foster child the same. I treat them all the same. FC has lived with us for almost 9 years though. My dh loves and treats all children the same he does not have biological children of his own and says it makes no difference to him. All children will equally inherit from us too including FC. My dc know this and accept FC as a brother. If you do half of the day to day care and enjoy taking step children children to places they will love you back too. Even if they are not biologically your own children over time they become your own dc. It is also unlikely an adult child who has just come into his life will overtake you in terms of your dp affection.