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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH 19yo has just made contact with him - is it bad to leave him for it?

271 replies

stepmummytoomany · 15/09/2020 08:02

My OH and I have been together for 2 years. He is 40 and I am 26, we get on really well, he has 2 children from a previous relationship they are 5 and 3. We have split custody of them so they live with us half of the month. I am very involved in their lives and love being their step mummy. I am very happy with our little blended family. I do not have any children of my own yet but I want them.

I recently found out (about 4 months ago) that my OH has another 2 children from a 1 night stand when he was 20, making them 19 now. He has never met them or seen them, he paid CSA for them but the mum didnt want him in their life, they thought another man was their Dad so were none the wiser. This year 1 of them got ill so they found out the truth about their dad being their step dad from a blood test. 1 of them has recently made contact with my OH. I am happy that she has made contact because I know it has always been on my OH mind, but I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle the fact he now has 4 children actively in his life. I dont know if I can be 5th on his love list. rightfully so the children should come before me but I think its all too much for me. I dont know what to do as I am so involved with the 2 younger children. Also does not help that my OH has had a vasectomy, he has always said he would get it reversed so he could biologically be the father of my child/children, but if it doesn't work can I cope knowing im the only one he doesnt have biological children with? Advice needed please. Please dont tell me im acting shallow, I already know that I just need to think of myself for a minute.

OP posts:

lakesidefall · 15/09/2020 14:21

Good luck OP.
You deserve a great more than a middle aged liar who had already decided he had enough dc.
You are very young and have plenty of time to find a decent bloke to make your own family with.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/09/2020 14:38

@AvonCallingBarksdale

So you’ve been together 2 years and his youngest child is 3, meaning he fucked off when they were still a baby. Nice. What a catch. You’re 26 - honestly, go now.

This....

I also think he's lied /misled you......if he genuinely was stopped from seeing the twins (not good sign in itself), there will be official paperwork.

Oh but I'm sure he 'lost' this...

I've been around many, many, of these type of men (had a close escape from similar when I was in my early 20s)... They tell a good story... Young women believe them... ('he was soooo upset, poor lamb' " until you're the next one he buggers off from...

Obviously it's your choice.... But I think it would be mad to continue with someone with this level of dysfunction in his life... You're also at very different life stages... AND absolutely no guarantee that a reversal would work anyway.

Arthersleep · 15/09/2020 14:59

Tbh, I doubt that he will remain in contact with his older kids. In all likelihood, they have contacted him out of sheer curiousity, and having seen/met him, will probably wander off again. However, it must be weird knowing that he has children that are only a little younger than you! That seems a bit messy to me. I'm not sure that I'd want such a complicated relationship. That said, be careful not to mess the two youngest around.

Gurtcha · 15/09/2020 15:23

You’re doing the right thing OP. Very best of luck to you

MomToTwoBabas · 15/09/2020 16:11

I couldn't be with a male (not a man) that ignored 2 of their own kids for 19 years. Shit dad.com

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 15/09/2020 16:21

Ive wished him luck and I want nothing more than the 19yo to get to know him. I love my Dad and I couldnt bare the thought of not knowing him. I just hope that the break in our relationship doesnt dampen there meeting tomorrow.

I hope it makes you realise how much you're selling yourself short and how much more you deserve than someone who lied to you so massively because what he wanted came first. You're still in the dynamic of putting him first, thinking of his meeting tomorrow with the children he turned his back on and deceived you about rather than where it should be given you're 26 and childfree: on yourself entirely.

He saw you coming and took advantage of your inexperience and background to become the next head cook and chief bottle washer to his kids.

The worst thing you could do is stay with this total lying arsehole, not to mention consider forgoing having your own biological children that you want to service this selfish baby daddy who's got more haulage than Pickford's.

KitchenBandAid · 15/09/2020 16:54

OP
You can love and care for someone without being their housewife and lover.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/09/2020 17:08

@KitchenBandAid

OP You can love and care for someone without being their housewife and lover.

This... Too!

I think without realising it.... You've ended up being a convenient maid/lover /parent substitute...

You're so young.... You've got the whole world to explore.. These men are ten a penny....

I know it will be difficult to walk away from his little kids...

Sadly I don't think it will be too long, til the next naive 20 something is giving up their life to play step mum

speakout · 15/09/2020 17:12

I couldn’t be with a man who was happy to ignore his child for 19 years on the basis that the mum apparently didn’t want him in their lives. A dad should fight to see his children and not just see the ones whose mothers make it easy to do so. So, personally I’d be out.

Totally agee.

I'd run.

Nyclair · 15/09/2020 17:14

Personally I wouldn't leave based just on this. I don't think you're 5 on the love list, i dont believe it works this way. A parents love for their child is and should be very different to the love of their partner.

Totickleamockingbird · 15/09/2020 17:15

@Marisishidinginmyattic

I might be old fashioned but I couldn’t be with a man who was happy to ignore his child for 19 years on the basis that the mum apparently didn’t want him in their lives. A dad should fight to see his children and not just see the ones whose mothers make it easy to do so. So, personally I’d be out.

You aren’t old-fashioned. This is how it should be.

corythatwas · 15/09/2020 17:46

Yeah I suppose we can see some differences here:

love for child- ignore their existence for 19 years

love for partner- lie to them about the existence of child for 2 years

I take it you hadn't read the OP in full, Nyclair

SpilltheTea · 15/09/2020 18:11

Being that close in age with my partner's children would gross me out. Unless he had no idea she was pregnant at all, which I doubt, how would he not know there was a chance the twins were his? He chose not to bother with them and go along with the lying and deceit. He then kept them secret for 2 years. Run for the hills.

Elsewyre · 15/09/2020 19:22

@Marisishidinginmyattic

But they had another dad.

Why tear a happy family apart just to fulfill some silly notion of masculinity and that they should "fight"?

Why make things worse for your children just for your ego?

MulticolourMophead · 15/09/2020 19:27

Elsewyre That the children had a stepdad is irrelevant. Yes, he'll most likely be the one they call dad. But contact is for the benefit of the children not the parents, and a child has a right to know about their biological parents. Properly handled, there's no need to assume that this will tear a family apart, if they get to know their bio dad.

SoupDragon · 15/09/2020 19:39

a child has a right to know about their biological parents.

Perhaps the mother shouldn't have lied to them then.

VinylDetective · 15/09/2020 19:43

@MulticolourMophead

I imagine it’s pretty comprehensively screwed them up, given that they were registered and brought up as their mother’s husband’s children. That makes him pretty relevant in my book. Suddenly, aged 18, their dad isn’t really their dad.

VodselForDinner · 15/09/2020 19:56

I think you’ve made the right decision, OP. It’s very Jeremy Kyle with DNA tests, secret baby mamas etc. I couldn’t cope with someone with that much baggage.

The big thing that would get me is the lying. How would you ever be able to believe a word out of his mouth after he lied about how many children he had? It’s heinous. Plus, he must have been concealing financial info from you too as the CSA didn’t come up.

You’re well rid.

AgentJohnson · 15/09/2020 20:55

During your break I think talking to a professional would be useful. I think your childhood is a major influence on your ready made family set up.

It’s totally understandable that his lies and appearance of his biological child who has less than age gap than you have with their father has thrown you.

If he really cared about building a relationship with his child then TTC with his gf is not the best decision. There’s so many priorities he can prioritise.

MsDogLady · 15/09/2020 21:52

OP, you made the right decision to take a break.

There is a substantial power imbalance here. You’ve not had a mutually respectful partnership. Your OH felt entitled to lie by omission that he has 2 additional CHILDREN. He intentionally kept you in the dark to suit his purposes.

You so deserve a relationship based on respect and honesty.

MulticolourMophead · 16/09/2020 12:36

@stepmummytoomany I hope you're doing ok today.

I see others have suggested counselling to help you and I agree your childhood may be involved here. I do think counselling will help unpick all the separate issues. I hope you can find some peace.

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