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Original poster

OH 19yo has just made contact with him - is it bad to leave him for it?

271 replies

stepmummytoomany · 15/09/2020 08:02

My OH and I have been together for 2 years. He is 40 and I am 26, we get on really well, he has 2 children from a previous relationship they are 5 and 3. We have split custody of them so they live with us half of the month. I am very involved in their lives and love being their step mummy. I am very happy with our little blended family. I do not have any children of my own yet but I want them.

I recently found out (about 4 months ago) that my OH has another 2 children from a 1 night stand when he was 20, making them 19 now. He has never met them or seen them, he paid CSA for them but the mum didnt want him in their life, they thought another man was their Dad so were none the wiser. This year 1 of them got ill so they found out the truth about their dad being their step dad from a blood test. 1 of them has recently made contact with my OH. I am happy that she has made contact because I know it has always been on my OH mind, but I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle the fact he now has 4 children actively in his life. I dont know if I can be 5th on his love list. rightfully so the children should come before me but I think its all too much for me. I dont know what to do as I am so involved with the 2 younger children. Also does not help that my OH has had a vasectomy, he has always said he would get it reversed so he could biologically be the father of my child/children, but if it doesn't work can I cope knowing im the only one he doesnt have biological children with? Advice needed please. Please dont tell me im acting shallow, I already know that I just need to think of myself for a minute.

OP posts:
OiSortItOwt · 15/09/2020 08:30

Leave. This is far too much baggage at your age.

You want children too but your 40 year old partner who already has 4 children, has had a vasectomy? It doesn't need to be this difficult. Leave and find someone else to start your family with.

I met my now husband when I was 26. He had two children so it's not the LOs that would bother me. But the added older children that he's not bothered with for 19 years and vasectomies thrown in the mix. No. This is a mess and I imagine you'll end up bitterly regretting it.

BewilderedDoughnut · 15/09/2020 08:33

Thank God he got a vasectomy because he’s not top notch at contraception is he?

Don’t have children with him. He’s got enough. Find someone with less baggage!

GOODCAT · 15/09/2020 08:34

Don't settle for this. Find someone your own age without kids and create a life with them.

VeniceQueen2004 · 15/09/2020 08:34

The thing about being 'low down on his love list' is ridiculous. It's not a sliding scale.

But he's a liar. You can't trust him. And he is getting far more out of the relationship as it stands than you are.

I would walk, although it's a terrible shame for the little kids who see you as a parent. But that is on him, not you.

Original poster
stepmummytoomany · 15/09/2020 08:34

I really wish I could edit my post as most people are settling on the fact that he chose not to be in their life, which isnt the case. Like I said in an earlier post they are 19 now does not mean he has known about them for 19 years. He has only known for the best part of 8 years and they thought another man was their Dad. Its alot easier to say he should have been apart of their life but not much he could do when he didnt know.

I have been actively involved in the younger childrens life, they want to call me step mum (I politely refused as they already have an amazing mummy) I get on well with their mum and her partner. The four of us raise the 2 young girls together as a weird blended family. We have a group chat between the four of us and leaving would mean changing the dynamic completely for the 2 younger children. it's not just me I have to think about here, even though there not mine it could affect them hugely if I just left. We had many conversations before we decided to get into a relationship about his vasectomy ect, it was always an impact on our relationship and getting the reversal was the only reason we decided to date. (I know all heavy stuff for the beginning of a relationship)

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 15/09/2020 08:36

You’re only 26. Move on and find someone with shared goals to you.

ReallySpicyCurry · 15/09/2020 08:37

Oh god, run. His track record is poor to say the least. Get someone your own age and enjoy all your firsts together

VeniceQueen2004 · 15/09/2020 08:37

Did the mother of his two youngest know about the 19 yos when she was with him?

AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/09/2020 08:37

So you’ve been together 2 years and his youngest child is 3, meaning he fucked off when they were still a baby. Nice. What a catch. You’re 26 - honestly, go now.

ScrapThatThen · 15/09/2020 08:37

What do you want to do? You don't have to get your head around this. Might be too much family too soon for you.

MyOwnSummer · 15/09/2020 08:38

Sorry OP, I think he is stringing you along. What stands out to me is your age, his age and the fact that you are a very involved step mother to the younger kids.

To be absolutely blunt, I think it is unlikely he is planning to have any kids with you, but is happy for you to believe this because you are essentially doing his parenting work for him.

If you want to be sure, tell him to book the vasectomy reversal right now and see what he says. OK, you're 26 now but time flies and you could easily find yourself 10 years down the line having missed your opportunity to have kids.

The stuff about the older kids... well. He lied to you about something huge - the existence of two actual people. And as others have said, I would want to hear the mother's side of it as his stinks of bullshit. He wouldn't have been completely denied contact but offered the chance to slowly build a relationship.

Think very carefully before you waste your fertile years on this man.

LouisBalfour · 15/09/2020 08:38

He’s not bothered with his older children, despite what he’s telling you. This would be enough to have me running for the hills.

You’re only young. I can’t see the attraction of staying with a 40 year old who has 4 children, someone that hasn’t been honest with you and clearly has a crap relationship history. Get out while you can.

BewilderedDoughnut · 15/09/2020 08:38

Your update doesn’t change anything.

If you could see your situation objectively from the outside like we can you’d shudder!

VeniceQueen2004 · 15/09/2020 08:38

Also how long has he spent single since seperating from his ex partner? I think this is significant, as it would give an indication of whether he is actually choosy and in love with you specifically, or just wants a woman to warm his bed and look after his kids for him.

emptyshelvesagain · 15/09/2020 08:39

but I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle the fact he now has 4 children actively in his life.

Oh wow. How awful.

He is obviously not future partner material anyway given the lies and the fact that he is happy to walk away from children. Best you end it now.

Please don't put yourself up against a mans children though....

I dont know if I can be 5th on his love list.

This is a really odd and needy thing to say. A man can be a decent partner AND father. A mans attention to his children should be something you love about him, not something you feel threatened by. That said, this man clearly isn't interested in his children

OiSortItOwt · 15/09/2020 08:39

How long has he had the vasectomy for though? Reversing it doesn't mean it will work. So if you're planning on staying you need to understand you may not ever get to have your own children.

I personally couldn't sacrifice that for a 40yr old with 4 kids already, 2 of which are in a complicated situation.

Sportsnight · 15/09/2020 08:39

He had a vasectomy really recently if he has a three year old. Why would he change his mind about more kids?

You’re 26 and 2 years into a relationship - it should be fun, not this hard.

If he found out about the kids 8 years ago, then personally I find it weirder that he didn’t mention them. It must have all been very recent in his mind. The court case would have dragged on for a year or two. I assume the younger children’s mum is aware of it all? Even weirder that it has never been mentioned.

I’d be asking myself what else doesn’t he think you need to know, and whether I could ever feel relaxed with someone prepared to keep massive secrets from you.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 15/09/2020 08:40

Tbh the fact he hid the older children's existence from you until 4 months ago is reason enough to leave.

Vasectomies are not easily reversed if they were done years ago - the sooner they're reversed the better the odds of success. If he hasn't booked an appointment for a consultation he probably isn't really planning on getting his reversed.

It's a shame you're already in a very involved step mum role to his younger children after knowing him two years because that'll be hard on his children and on you, but that in itself makes him look bad - he moved you into that role very fast and it looks from the outside as if he did that at least partially for a free nanny...

I think you'd be best off ripping the plaster off now and disinfecting the wound so it can heal properly... By which I mean it'll be less painful in the long run for you and the younger children if you leave now before you become more and more attached and before your chances of having a normal, slow, fun, gradually closer relationship with someone else recede due to you starting to worry about your fertility. A year until you meet someone, two or three years dating and slowly getting closer, holidaying together, getting to know one another properly, including skeletons in the closet, before you move in together and then another couple of years before you marry and start TTC would be healthier than 0 to involved live in step mum having massive secrets revealed once already enmeshed in two years.

VeniceQueen2004 · 15/09/2020 08:40

And yes, I'd say to him that a condition of you staying would be for him to get you the contact details of his 19yos' mother so you can check out his story. He has NO RIGHT to get huffy about this as he has lied to you from day dot.

hennybeans · 15/09/2020 08:42

I was reading your op thinking, oh God, you're way too young to take on such baggage. 4 kids is a lot of baggage when your are only 26. Then I read that's he's had a vasectomy and you want kids. That was the nail in the coffin. They aren't easy peasy to reverse and it doesn't always work. Find someone closer to your age with less going on! Really it's for the best.

corythatwas · 15/09/2020 08:42

The deal breaker for me would be that you've been together for 2 years and he hasn't even told you about their existence. I'd be inclined to call that lying by omission: at the very, very least it shows how little the thought means to him. "He only knew for 8 years"= he knew perfectly well when you got together and he's known every day since and there is no reason not to believe he would have stayed schtum forever and you might just have found out after he was dead.

oakleaffy · 15/09/2020 08:42

Any man who can ignore his older children is hopeless.

A lovely man I knew years ago was devastated when his partner forbade all contact with his daughter. He lad no legal right, but sent cards and presents...He had no other DC.

I lost contact with him, then heard that his DD was of an age when she sought him out, and they have a very good relationship now.

Any man who has children in the past and doesn't want to see them is not a good dad.

Also....vasectomy may not be reversible...Get thee a new man!

Serendipity79 · 15/09/2020 08:42

Red flags all over this I'm afraid. My ex openly tells people he doesn't see our children because I wont let him. Total fabrication. He simply wont engage with the safeguarding checks that SS and Police felt necessary. But his explanation suits his life better and his new GF swallowed it hook line and sinker.

You don't know that he's told you the truth. At 11 years old in a custody battle, he would have been successful with some kind of contact. If he's been paying child maintenance since then, how come he's never mentioned them to you until 4 months ago? Once they were 16 their mum would have had no say in it if he wanted to contact them. But he didn't? And then he's had two more children in another failed relationship, before meeting you.

Personally this relationship wouldn't be a winner for me....

BookcaseOfWonder · 15/09/2020 08:43

Can you talk to the mother of the older children and get her side of the story?
It's early to tell how the relationship with the 19 year old will develop.
I wouldn't be rushing to make decisions just yet

canihaveabrew · 15/09/2020 08:43

Run far, run fast and run in the opposite direction.

He is a liar and a good one.

You have been together for two years, co-parent his children and he saw fit to omit the fact he actually has two more squirrelled away somewhere?

You deserve better than this man, OP. You have your entire life to go on and have kids of your own. Not saddled with a man who has four children by two different women (at least) who cannot be honest with you.

I'm really sorry you've found out this way. It must have been very hard to hear. Do you have a support network around you? Can you go to your Mum and/or Dad's for a bit of breathing space?

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