OH 19yo has just made contact with him - is it bad to leave him for it?

[stepmummytoomany]

My OH and I have been together for 2 years. He is 40 and I am 26, we get on really well, he has 2 children from a previous relationship they are 5 and 3. We have split custody of them so they live with us half of the month. I am very involved in their lives and love being their step mummy. I am very happy with our little blended family. I do not have any children of my own yet but I want them.

I recently found out (about 4 months ago) that my OH has another 2 children from a 1 night stand when he was 20, making them 19 now. He has never met them or seen them, he paid CSA for them but the mum didnt want him in their life, they thought another man was their Dad so were none the wiser. This year 1 of them got ill so they found out the truth about their dad being their step dad from a blood test. 1 of them has recently made contact with my OH. I am happy that she has made contact because I know it has always been on my OH mind, but I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle the fact he now has 4 children actively in his life. I dont know if I can be 5th on his love list. rightfully so the children should come before me but I think its all too much for me. I dont know what to do as I am so involved with the 2 younger children. Also does not help that my OH has had a vasectomy, he has always said he would get it reversed so he could biologically be the father of my child/children, but if it doesn't work can I cope knowing im the only one he doesnt have biological children with? Advice needed please. Please dont tell me im acting shallow, I already know that I just need to think of myself for a minute.

Did the mother of the two little ones know about the existence of the two older ones?

Everyone has their coping limits and if you know this is too much for you it would be heartache all round to persevere on a lost cause.
If you know you want children and he has had a vasectomy that alone is a big hurdle even without the rest mixed in.
Unfortunately the chances are by the time you two are at a point in your lives where you are ready to conceive and go through all the process needed, if at that point it doesn't work out you will be in a hugely worse position for trying to rebuild with someone else.
I don't think I would think you shallow if you bow out at this point. It's a balance of choice.
Handle it as considerately as you can if you decide to leave but I don't think it would be a bad choice.

Why at the age of 26 would you want to take on so much of baggage. Especially with someone who already has a vasectomy. What happens when you decided even in 10 years time to have a child? I say this with respect, you are not even a mother yourself yet have set yourself up to take on so many children when you are so so young.
I would step away from this situation.

So much wrong with this.

His behaviour towards the older children- his story of the court battle is bullshit. As the biological father, he’d have been given some level of access if he’d looked for it.

The deceit involved in keeping the existence of two human beings from you. As someone else said, if they hadn’t come looking, would he ever have told you?

He appears to have left his previous wife/partner when their baby was only 1. A prince 🙄

And he installed you in the lives of his young children way too soon. You have to take some responsibility for this too. No way should you be this invested and established as “stepmummy” after only two years.

The other kids aren't the issue, the vasectomy is. It's extremely difficult to reverse, one friend did it and had to have IVF. Just no.

Way too much baggage for a 26 year old.

I do wonder at the dynamics of how long he was a single parent before finding someone to be a step mother to his children. I know that sounds cynical but my friend's daughter is 26, I could not imagine 2 years ago her starting a relationship with a 38 year old with young children and her Mum thinking this was great.

At 11 those children would have had a say in meeting their biological Dad.

The fact that he has paid child maintenance and concealed this from you speaks volumes because 4 children is a lot. Don't assume that the other one won't want a relationship with their Dad further down the line, that could be next week. So he is a father of 4 with children not that much younger than you.

I would walk, this is way too much, too messy and too complicated to be dealing with at 26. You are not married, you don't have children together. He lied about the number of children he had. That would be a deal breaker for me.

It does annoy me when people make out that every 40 year old man with a younger partner is a sleaze. I'm 26, my fiancé is 39 and he is not a pervert, sleaze, creep or anything for being with me. Is that the kind our attitude people are always going to have towards us? Is that what our son is going to be made to think by society? Rather than being happy to have two loving parents?

This guy is a sleaze. The problem is the lying about his kids, not seeing them, blaming it on the mother, the speed at which he involved you in their life. And for the record I do agree OP, you should definitely leave, and I'm sorry to derail the thread slightly but for gods sake people need to stop with this attitude towards age gap relationships.

Sympathies. It must be very hard. It reads as if your love and sense of responsibilities to your blended family is fogging your judgement on your relationship.

Can you separate them in your mind? You could still see the little ones as an aunty (if the mum agree) for example.

My first reaction is that 26 is very young to be knee deep into co-parenting a blended relationship. Two years is relatively little time to get to know your OH too, especially assuming he works and lots of together time is spent as a blended family rather than a one to one relationship.

To answer the original question in your OP, I think the situation you are in is sufficient to warrant a break up.

It does annoy me when people make out that every 40 year old man with a younger partner is a sleaze. I'm 26, my fiancé is 39 and he is not a pervert, sleaze, creep or anything for being with me

Well, he's just like many other men though isn't he? Most men prefer a much younger body. The older ones who are with much younger ones also tend to be much more immature themselves - most women their age couldn't stand to be with them anyway.

@Delbelleber

He was 38 when he started going out with you at 24yr old? Sounds like a creep to me.

This was my thought too. And at that point he had a young baby and a toddler. Doesn’t bode well does it? You can do better. You’re young, find yourself a nice young man with no baggage.

I think you need to ask yourself this question.

Could you be happy living the rest of your life in this situation now. An older partner, two young kids who aren't yours, two older children with added complications of him not being in their lives until now and what that could bring i.e. fall outs, resentment from the older two etc... AND never having children of your own because of his vasectomy.

Nevermind the possibility of a reverse working. This isn't reliable and it's not guaranteed.

Could you live with all this and give up your own chance of having your own children on top of it all? Because that is the very real risk that you are taking. Could you do that and honestly say you'd be happy?

If the answer is no then you must leave. Your older self will thank you for it.

His children will get over it. As important as you believe you are in their lives, they have a mummy and daddy. They will be fine. Please think about yourself. Please put yourself first here.

Any heartbreak to the younger children is down to their father not being honest before introducing you into their lives. Unfortunately I have too many friends who formed strong bonds with their partners children to find themselves for various reasons out of their lives and he has put you in this position. He is a liar, he has purposely left out information that could have influenced you moving in and becoming a step parent.

I think that at 26 you are rather young, and will be wanting to have your own child at some point.Maybe this is not the best fit for you? I would think about moving on, while you are young enough to find someone new and younger without all of this baggage to deal with.

His ex wife (the one he has 2 young children with) knows about the older 2 children, he went for the tests and had to pay the CSA straight away. They found out just before they were getting married. He wanted to be involved, the mother didnt want to confuse the 2 older children as they already had a 'dad' in their life. They never found out that their step dad wasnt their real dad until January this year. Even though the whole custody battle was going on when they were 11. He spoke with the mum of the older children and decided it was best that the 2 older children carried on believing the step Dad was their Dad. He thought it was best not to disrupt them and their family life anymore then it already had been. It was a mutual decision between all parties. When he found out they were 18 he thought about contacting them, but thought perhaps it was 18 years too late. Now the older children know of him, they have made contact. I have seen the papers all the messages between him and the older children's mother. The 19yo has even said that the mother refused to tell her his name. She only gave her a first name for him and the poor girl had to stalk through facebook until she found someone who remotely looked like her. A sad story really, so I do believe the mother did not want him to have contact, like I have said I have read through all 8 years worth of messages from when it first went on. As when I found out 4 months ago I couldnt physically get my head around how much of a good Dad he is to his younger 2 why he would go without the other 2 in his life for so long.

I have spoken with the ex wife about this when I first found out about them four months ago. Everything she has told me coinsides with his story. I really don't think he is making any of that up. Trust me I have considered it many times.

We had a vasectomy reversal consultation booked on the 9th September so we are already in the process of the reversal. We have the operation appt booked too. But I need to decide if it is worth going ahead with the appt because if I decide to leave then he definitely doesn't want anymore children.

He is adamant that he wants a child with me and I would be happy with out little family of 3 (the 2 younger children included) but the 2 older children I just cant get my head around, so maybe I should leave? I don't know why it bothers me so much, I think because the older 2 children are closer in age to me then me and my partner are. I also cant get my head around being baby mumma no3. Feel like my whole life with all these children would be an episode of Jeremy Kyle. I just feel like im in too deep to leave. I really dont know what to do.

OP this is a lot to take on and you shouldn’t have to if you don’t want to. Especially as you are so young and don’t have any children with this man. Cut your losses!

This is just par for the course when in a relationship with an older person. You can’t judge him by your youthful standards.

Also poor bloke. He compiled with his ex’s request, let his children grow up happily with a new father, paid CSA for 18 years, and now he’s getting kicked around about it. Sounds like a decent bloke to me.

@IncandescentSilver

There's a reason 40.year old men seek out much younger women. Their own age group wouldn't fall for their manipulation.

He sounds awful and I wouldn't believe anything he says - about access to the children, the vasectomy - anything. He's as dodgy as hell.

I also can't understand why the 2 "secret" children aren't being referred to as twins, if they resulted from a one night stand...

I agree with this - OP, he sounds incredibly manipulative.

You don't say 'twins' - is there a reason why?

He has never met them or seen them, he paid CSA for them but the mum didnt want him in their life

He paid Child Support for children he didn't know he had? He paid Child Support and tried to go to court after 11 years only to be told 'no'? Or did he start to pay Child Support after those 11 years had passed, when he'd been denied access by the court? Nothing about this adds up and I imagine the mother of the children has a completely different story to him. If she was expecting twins when she was very young, why wouldn't she want help from him?

I agree with a PP who said you should leave him and find someone else to have your firsts with.

I just feel like im in too deep to leave

OP I'm trying to be kind but it's been 2 years. That is nothing in the grand scheme of things. You shouldn't be in too deep to leave after 2 years! Especially with children who aren't yours involved.

It took us over two years to conceive our child! It is not a huge amount of time in life. Especially at your age.

So are the 2 children from the ONS twins or not?

If not, that must have been a hell of a long night.

This guy gets women pregnant, then disappears from the mothers' lives. It's a pattern, because he's done it more than once.

The vasectomy story is one that thuse love fraud conmen types use.

He's not been a spy or a secret agent as well, has he?

Really he should have been involved with children who are the product of a one night stand ?

@VeniceQueen2004

It's a shame you're already in a very involved step mum role to his younger children after knowing him two years because that'll be hard on his children and on you, but that in itself makes him look bad - he moved you into that role very fast and it looks from the outside as if he did that at least partially for a free nanny...

THIS. Although this is partly on you too tbh. You have obviously enjoyed feeling mature and married, taking on the role of a 'stepmummy' to two cute children. But for you to be that entrenched this early in your relationship, you must have met them too soon and moved in far too soon. Did you not at any point think "This may not work out - I'd better not get overly enmeshed with his kids until I know it's got legs?" A year is nothing in the life of a new relationship, but for a 2yo it's half their life.

Both you and he were very irresponsible in how you've engaged with his kids, but he far more so because he knew full well he was keeping a massive secret that would set a bomb off in the relationship if discovered.

I don't understand how people can be so sodding glib about bringing new partners into their children's lives. In this case it seems he needed a substitute mummy ASAP and you applied for the position.

This.

He's not just been very irresponsible in the past, he's been totally irresponsible now.

So when his baby was one, he got together with you?

Nobody falls in love quicker than a man who needs a place to stay / free childcare.

@BubblyBarbara

This is just par for the course when in a relationship with an older person. You can’t judge him by your youthful standards.

Also poor bloke. He compiled with his ex’s request, let his children grow up happily with a new father, paid CSA for 18 years, and now he’s getting kicked around about it. Sounds like a decent bloke to me.

No. Two older children suddenly coming out of the woodwork after their father having no contact for 19 years and having not told you about their existence even though he's known for 8 years is not 'par for the course'.

@YouJustDoYou

It does annoy me when people make out that every 40 year old man with a younger partner is a sleaze. I'm 26, my fiancé is 39 and he is not a pervert, sleaze, creep or anything for being with me

Well, he's just like many other men though isn't he? Most men prefer a much younger body. The older ones who are with much younger ones also tend to be much more immature themselves - most women their age couldn't stand to be with them anyway.

Why do our ages give you reason to tear down our relationship and his character though? Why do you think it's ok to make such swooping generalisations? People like you who manipulate a happy, healthy relationship between two adults into something creepy and wrong and honestly think that's ok? It's something I don't come across in real life, thankfully, but it's constant on MN. I may well need to build up a thicker skin about it but I do feel for our son if he's going to be bought up and have this narrative pushed on him when it's so far from our reality. I'm in no way denying that of course it happens when older men ditch their wives and kids and run off with someone else but the issue with that should be their actions not their ages. There are plenty of age gap relationships where there is no toxicity, no 'bitter' ex wives, no kids from previous relationships and no need to be tarred by the same brush.

Christ there is always people on here that when presented with a bad situation try to make it worse, he lied, he ignored his kids for nineteen years etc, instead of just dealing with the issue presented

Op I don’t think you’re feeling it to be honest, if you were you would not consider ending this because of this. I think it’s just spelling out to you the differences in your life stages and what the future holds. And it’s not that appealing to you. So it’s probably best to not go with the vasectomy reversal at this stage and think seriously if you wish to be tied to this man, if this is the life you wish. Or if you’d prefer to be with someone whose at the same life stage as you.

It's something I don't come across in real life, thankfully

Lol, that's because no one says it to your face, love 😂