OH 19yo has just made contact with him - is it bad to leave him for it?

[stepmummytoomany]

My OH and I have been together for 2 years. He is 40 and I am 26, we get on really well, he has 2 children from a previous relationship they are 5 and 3. We have split custody of them so they live with us half of the month. I am very involved in their lives and love being their step mummy. I am very happy with our little blended family. I do not have any children of my own yet but I want them.

I recently found out (about 4 months ago) that my OH has another 2 children from a 1 night stand when he was 20, making them 19 now. He has never met them or seen them, he paid CSA for them but the mum didnt want him in their life, they thought another man was their Dad so were none the wiser. This year 1 of them got ill so they found out the truth about their dad being their step dad from a blood test. 1 of them has recently made contact with my OH. I am happy that she has made contact because I know it has always been on my OH mind, but I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle the fact he now has 4 children actively in his life. I dont know if I can be 5th on his love list. rightfully so the children should come before me but I think its all too much for me. I dont know what to do as I am so involved with the 2 younger children. Also does not help that my OH has had a vasectomy, he has always said he would get it reversed so he could biologically be the father of my child/children, but if it doesn't work can I cope knowing im the only one he doesnt have biological children with? Advice needed please. Please dont tell me im acting shallow, I already know that I just need to think of myself for a minute.

if my DH told me something similar, I know that I wouldn't leave him. I love the man he is today not the 20yr old he was Seriously, you would stay with a man who lied to you, and not a small white lie but a huge fucking life altering one? Takes all sorts I suppose.

Four years ago he was in a LTR with someone else. Then he had a vasectomy. This is not the stuff great romances are made of. Move on while you're still young enough.

Op I think you're doing the right thing by taking a big step back, getting some time away and deciding what you should do. You sound not surprisingly confused and disappointed if anything.

It's heartbreaking that you have to face "breaking up with" the small children. It sounds as though you have a lovely relationship with them. That cannot be a reason to stay however.

I think the advice by a pp of gradually distancing yourself by telling the dc you're "working away" is good. That depends on an amicable split and all parties (OH, the children's mother) agreeing to make it as easy as possible for the dc.

So sorry you're going through this. I hope you have some real life support.

@stepmummytoomany

I know 26 i still very young but Ive had a hard f'd up life and im more mature than most 26yo my age. My mum had a mid life crisis when she split from my dad when I was 12 and I had to look after my youngest brother, cook, clean and take him to school when I was only a child myself... so looking after someone elses children at 26 isnt a burden for me. Sorry for the rant just hoping this will clear up some peoples questions.

My lovely, you are repeating patterns. You should get some counselling to recover from your difficult childhood before getting into another relationship or you'll end up in over your head again.

You don't say whether you and your brother stayed with your dad or lived with your mum. Either way you ended up neglected. I'd put money on it being that you were left with your dad and he didn't step up to look after you. So you're looking for stability and your older partner with his two children offered a lovely 'instant family' so you didn't question jumping in with both feet into a lot of responsibility - responsibility and putting others ahead of yourself is what you're comfortable with because you've been raised to think your needs don't matter. They do.

Please be single for a bit and have a good think about what YOU want for yourself, not the next way you can be of service to others. You're still so young.

So sorry stepmummy but I do feel that his keeping the twins and his first relationship a secret from you is a step too far. I'd also want some space away. You are still very young and he's middle aged and a liar. Cancel the reversal op for now, it's not a priority.

Run for the hills, you’re only 26 and have another life ahead of you including children of your own.

This ^^ with bells on

Honestly, leave. He is a liar. He'll only tell you as little as he feels he can get away with. You might be on the group WhatsApp with his ex but honestly, they are so young that you leaving won't affect them as much as you think it might.

You’re too young to be tied down with this much drama. Find someone who isn’t in a blended family, he’s also going to be in his 60s when you’re in your 40s... come on op. Leave you’re still so young!!

Well done, girl. You'll look back on this one day and realise what a lucky escape you had. Now go have some time for yourself and when you're ready you'll meet someone who's also free to build a life with you. Openly and honestly.

@mrsBtheparker

I might be old fashioned but I couldn’t be with a man who was happy to ignore his child for 19 years on the basis that the mum apparently didn’t want him in their lives.

Harsh, the mother was happy to take his money but didn't want him to be a part of their lives, nasty woman. Had he fought her over this he might have done untold damage to the children. Personally I think that if a woman won't let a father see his children then she has no right to ask for support from him but that'll probably get me put onto the naughty step.

Not harsh at all. A woman does not have the power to stop a man seeing his children. It’s just an excuse that lazy men trot out to explain why they abandoned their children. That’s what the court system is for - getting contact if the “nasty” mother is blocking contact. And I’d suggest that, for a child, knowing that your father couldn’t be arsed to go to court to see you is much more damaging than the “untold damage” caused by him actually putting the effort in to make sure he has a relationship with said child.

Also, a woman not letting the father see the child does not take away the CHILD’s rights to have that money coming into the household. People are too obsessed with what the adults in the situation want or need. It’s about the children and their rights.

@stepmummytoomany
I’ve just read about you having to raise your siblings from a young age. Just because you’re used to it it doesn’t mean you have to do it. You’re 26, go out, be selfish, see the world. Just because you’ve done it before doesn’t mean it has to continue!! Please you’re so young, listen to us when we’re saying leave. I’m settled in my 30s but I’m happy to have a quiet life now as I had a great 20s!!! Don’t give yours up for a man who lied about how many kids he had!!!

So you've been together for 2 years and for at least 1.5 years he lied to you about how many children he has?

And you want to stay with him?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

So you've been together for 2 years and for at least 1.5 years he lied to you about how many children he has?

And you want to stay with him?

No. She doesn’t. Maybe RTFT so you don’t waste your time being irrelevant.

I hope he has good contact with his older children and builds up a relationship with them. I'mm amazed he didn't tell you they existed! Massive omission!

He sounds like one of those men that meet much younger woman and string them along. Great to raise his children when they are with him, fun to be with but will never have children of his own with. There was a post similar the other day where man says he will have more children maybe.... .

So this guy has 2 very young kids, 2 older kids (that he forgets to mention - I don't believe his not knowing) and then a much younger girlfriend - he meets all the stereotypes. I do feel for you. Difficult times ahead.

You are so much younger than him and appear to be in a different 'place' than him - starting out - he's done/doing the family bit and if you suddenly wake up and want children a few years down the line you will have a much older man with a vasectomy ....

Run for the hills and don't look back

I really hope you find your inner anger quickly and jettison him yesterday. He lied to you to hook you for his own selfish gain. He stole your agency and consent with that lie to serve his own end. What a nasty thing to do. He got his ex wife to perpetuate the lie, she knew and you did not. You've been stitched up for years. I'd be furious.

YABU, except that I would think less of a man who (so he claims) has children both from a one night stands, (I'd say that's fairly unlikely anyway and he had more to do with the mother than that) and then hasn't bothered to try and have anything to do with them much.

I wouldn't see it as you're further down his list in a bad way- it's a different kind of love/relationship.

He went to court to fight for access to them but lost a losing battle

As he is their biological father, I think he would've been granted some access to them if he wanted it, unless there was something like violence.

Its alot easier to say he should have been apart of their life but not much he could do when he didnt know.

He's had 8 years where he has known.

He does sound a bit rough to be honest, going round getting random women pregnant. Hasn't he heard of condoms?

He's lied about 2 children - human beings that are 50% him. What else has he lied about?

At 26 you should be working and having loads of fun going out with your friends and a boyfriend if you wanted one. Pandemic aside, you should be spending any spare money you had on weekends away and holidays abroad seeing the world. You shouldn't be step mom to someone else's 4 DC with 2 other women.

He has 19 year old DC. One of them is nearer your age. Have they got any single mates?

I've seen your update so am late to the thread, but to me this would boil down to one issue. You want children. He's had a vasectomy, and reversals are not guaranteed to work (the odds go down the longer ago the operation was done).

Of course there are other options, like sperm donation. But artificial insemination or IVF are emotionally exhausting and expensive. Unfortunately you won't qualify for free NHS treatment as he already has children. I've been through the IVF route and it was an emotionally and financially debilitating experience.

My husband didn't leave me because of my infertility but I gave him that option, feeling I was depriving him of fatherhood (we now have one child). But circumstances were different, and he hadn't lied to me about prior children. On that basis alone I'm unsure I'd be prepared to invest all this in him, especially at the age of 26.

FWIW, I think your decision to leave is the right one. I'm sorry as it will be painful, but in these circumstances it does seem the best option

Haven’t rtft but you’re so young OP! If you’re having doubts at this stage then you know what the right thing to do is. Maybe you’re at different stages in your life and you’d always feel like second best.

I’ve read your updates and see you say you’ve had a hard and fucked up life. To me that’s all the more reason not to settle for this man and all his baggage. He might be a wonderful person and if things were different you might have been able to build a life together. But things aren’t different - he’s got 4 children that you know of and it’s all very messy and complicated. As you rightly say, he will never be able to put you first and you deserve a partner that can do that.

And all that’s even before you come to the vasectomy part. To have a vasectomy he needed to convince a doctor he didn’t want any more children. Even If he manages to get it reversed you will always know these weren’t children he actually wanted to have.

You and he are at very different stages of your life. You want a partner who will want you and your joint children and make you the centre of his world. That’s a perfectly reasonable thing to want and its also what any future children deserve. He can’t be that person.

You lost many of your childhood years having to look after your little bro and the house.

Your 20s should be spent having loads of fun, trying new things, making up for that time - not looking after 2 - potentially 4 - kids that aren't yours and dealing with drama like this.

For that reason I think you should leave. The children have a mother, they will be ok.

Having said that, I can just about see your OH's logic in not fighting for access and not telling you actually, and I don't think his failure to tell you automatically makes him an evil liar.

The older children have two loving parents already who have been in their lives from the beginning, giving him forced access aged 11 could have been horribly disruptive to the dynamic.

Yes the children should have been told their "father" wasn't the biological father much earlier IMO but given they'd all agreed not to do that and he didn't even know they existed for over a decade, it effectively reduced him to a sperm donor. Would you tell someone you'd donated sperm?

It might not be the ideal way of doing it but it does seem plausible he was trying to put the children's interests first.

@Nicetableinnit

Run for the hills, you’re only 26 and have another life ahead of you including children of your own. I wouldn’t trust a man who didn’t see his children for 19 years - the whole BS bit about the evil mother stopping him seeing his children etc. Is often the excuse but there was nothing to stop this man being a father to his children other than inconvenience to him of raising kids he had by accident. Leave him.

A lot of men go around spouting that the ex is stopping them from seeing their DC, but the truth is that this is just something men say to avoid looking like the bad guy.

Very few women will stop their DC from seeing their dads. Most will try hard to make dads see the DC. I have never tried to stop my DC seeing their dad. They have chosen not to see him because he was abusive to all of us. But he does blame me for their choice, he's told other people I'm apparently brainwashing them.

OP, your OH has already had two families, and I doubt he really wants to have more DC. He's probably going to be hoping that if he does go ahead and get a reversal done (and this isn't done on the NHS) that it doesn't work and that you are too involved with him to decide to go and find a bloke who can have DC with you.

You've been with him for 2 years, when you yourself are at a young age. You have already indentified that you really want DC. And as well as the age gap (which strongly suggests power imbalance to me, given the age you were when you met) he's lied to you by omission. He didn't tell you about the older DC for two years. That's a long time to keep something this important quiet, and I don't think it's acceptable. He must have know that they'd be in contact one day.

I reckon you should think about leaving, and finding a bloke your age who is on the same page about DC.

Finding out he abandoned his children would totally change how I thought of the man. I’m not sure I could ever find a way to respect him again.

KitchenBandAid

that made me looool, has the DC got any mates 😂 its so true, I should ask.

Its hard because I really do love him and care for him, I have told him I need space and a break from him. He is meeting with one of the twins tomorrow eve, very fast I know but they are both super keen to get to know each other. Ive wished him luck and I want nothing more than the 19yo to get to know him. I love my Dad and I couldnt bare the thought of not knowing him. I just hope that the break in our relationship doesnt dampen there meeting tomorrow.