OH 19yo has just made contact with him - is it bad to leave him for it?

[stepmummytoomany]

My OH and I have been together for 2 years. He is 40 and I am 26, we get on really well, he has 2 children from a previous relationship they are 5 and 3. We have split custody of them so they live with us half of the month. I am very involved in their lives and love being their step mummy. I am very happy with our little blended family. I do not have any children of my own yet but I want them.

I recently found out (about 4 months ago) that my OH has another 2 children from a 1 night stand when he was 20, making them 19 now. He has never met them or seen them, he paid CSA for them but the mum didnt want him in their life, they thought another man was their Dad so were none the wiser. This year 1 of them got ill so they found out the truth about their dad being their step dad from a blood test. 1 of them has recently made contact with my OH. I am happy that she has made contact because I know it has always been on my OH mind, but I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle the fact he now has 4 children actively in his life. I dont know if I can be 5th on his love list. rightfully so the children should come before me but I think its all too much for me. I dont know what to do as I am so involved with the 2 younger children. Also does not help that my OH has had a vasectomy, he has always said he would get it reversed so he could biologically be the father of my child/children, but if it doesn't work can I cope knowing im the only one he doesnt have biological children with? Advice needed please. Please dont tell me im acting shallow, I already know that I just need to think of myself for a minute.

Whether the mother did or didn’t tell them is something you’ll never know. It is entirely possible she didn’t, a lot of woman wouldn’t, but what is more important is that he knew and never told you until one of them got in touch. If they hadn’t you would never have known and when would you find out? Maybe five? Ten? Fifteen years down the line? Maybe when you had children? If they contacted him because of illness I imagine it’s something genetic? In which case you might want to consider whether, if you were able to have children together, it was something you would want passed on to them, it’s not wrong not to.

So I would have binned him off as soon as I found out about the children he had chosen not to tell me about.

The story of the 19 year olds doesn’t make sense. There was a custody battle when they 11. Involving DNA and courts, the biological father and step father. But they didn’t know about any of that until now. That’s not vaguely credible.

At 11, they would be involved in decision about access and parenting.

It's a shame you're already in a very involved step mum role to his younger children after knowing him two years because that'll be hard on his children and on you, but that in itself makes him look bad - he moved you into that role very fast and it looks from the outside as if he did that at least partially for a free nanny...

THIS. Although this is partly on you too tbh. You have obviously enjoyed feeling mature and married, taking on the role of a 'stepmummy' to two cute children. But for you to be that entrenched this early in your relationship, you must have met them too soon and moved in far too soon. Did you not at any point think "This may not work out - I'd better not get overly enmeshed with his kids until I know it's got legs?" A year is nothing in the life of a new relationship, but for a 2yo it's half their life.

Both you and he were very irresponsible in how you've engaged with his kids, but he far more so because he knew full well he was keeping a massive secret that would set a bomb off in the relationship if discovered.

I don't understand how people can be so sodding glib about bringing new partners into their children's lives. In this case it seems he needed a substitute mummy ASAP and you applied for the position.

There really isn't a YABU/yanbu answer. It's not binary (most things are not). Some people are voting YABU because they think you are trying to stop him seeing them which you clearly are not.

I think you're approaching all this very reasonably and you cannot be blamed for wondering if you can live with the situation. It's unlikely to be an easy journey.

The thing that would really upset me in your position is that he developed a serious relationship with you and allowed you to move in and be part of his children's lives before he told you. That is not trustworthy behaviour. You had a right to know about his other children before you committed like that - ESPECIALLY if children together was on the cards.

The deal breaker for me would be that you've been together for 2 years and he hasn't even told you about their existence. I'd be inclined to call that lying by omission: at the very, very least it shows how little the thought means to him.

I'd call it lying by lying. "So you have kids? How many?" It's a question that was almost certainly asked at some point.

You're crazy if you stay. There's no way he was denied contact if he went through the proper channels. So, he's likely lied about that, plus he didn't even bother to tell you about their existence. Someone who lies so casually about something that huge will do it again.

The emotional collateral of these 'new' kids is going to be messy as fuck. Leave and save yourself years of dealing with this man's problems.

@LemonTT

The story of the 19 year olds doesn’t make sense. There was a custody battle when they 11. Involving DNA and courts, the biological father and step father. But they didn’t know about any of that until now. That’s not vaguely credible.

At 11, they would be involved in decision about access and parenting.

Quite. Changes the story somewhat doesn't it?

I'm sure it's not an easy decision considering how involved you are with his youngest children but you can't 'stay for the children' when they aren't yours. Honestly, it will be harder on you than them.

You are so young with a whole lifetime ahead of you. Think carefully because your future may well include no children of your own. Sometimes age really isn't just a number though no one wants to admit that in the moment.

If he is keen on building a relationship with this older child he is probably going to go all in. The way you've described being on some kind of 'list', I'm not sure you can cope with that. He'll also be hoping for the other child to come round and there may be 2 extra children he's trying to build a bond with. Honestly, at 26, that's just too much baggage. I can't think how any 40 year old could be worth that.

most vasectomys cant be reversed. Its commonly unsuccesful. I think if you want your own children then you should bear this in mind.

Honestly, the biggest thing here for me is that you want kids but your partner obviously decided (quite recently if his youngest is 3) that he didn't want anymore and had a medical procedure to stop that from happening.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but you are a woman. Biologically you only have a certain number of years to have children. Your partner doesn't.

Please, please if you do actually want children and it's important to you, do not waste your fertile years on this relationship.

I have a friend who was in this situation. Partner had vasectomy before they met, tried to get it reversed all the rest of it. It has been horrible for her.

You are young. 2 years is not a huge amount of time.

Do not have a baby with this man. Thank goodness he's had a vasectomy.

He found out he had kids when they were eleven, but contact was only made when they sought him out eight years later? Creep. He's spinning you a lie OP.

I really wish I could edit my post as most people are settling on the fact that he chose not to be in their life, which isnt the case. Like I said in an earlier post they are 19 now does not mean he has known about them for 19 years. He has only known for the best part of 8 years and they thought another man was their Dad. Its alot easier to say he should have been apart of their life but not much he could do when he didnt know.

He found out 8 years ago. He has known all the time he was with you that he has two children from this one night stand. I think it shows quite a deceitful character not to tell you about them at all. You still wouldn't know about them if it wasn't for the fact one of them wants contact with him now. Did the mother of his other two children know about them I wonder?

In your position that would be reason enough to leave - I couldn't live with deceit like that. What else is he hiding for example?
However, a more important thing to think about is that you want your own children. He has had a vasectomy. He can talk all he likes about getting it reversed but will he really do that? He has four children already. If one of the twins becomes more involved in his life and then possibly the other one too, would he really need and want to have more children at over 40?
Don't believe him when he says he'll have children with you. He's already been proven to be a liar by omission. He'll come up with all kinds of excuses as to why he can't have children with you now and this will drag on for years.
I think at 26 years old you should leave him and find someone else who is at a similar life stage to you. Age gap relationships can work but I think it's very difficult if one partner already has a complete family and the other is ready to think about starting their own. If you found someone in their late 30s who was ready to start their first family then that's different.
Honestly, I think you should leave. He's untrustworthy and he's not on the same page as you.

There's a reason 40.year old men seek out much younger women. Their own age group wouldn't fall for their manipulation.

He sounds awful and I wouldn't believe anything he says - about access to the children, the vasectomy - anything. He's as dodgy as hell.

I also can't understand why the 2 "secret" children aren't being referred to as twins, if they resulted from a one night stand...

So you’ve been together 2 years and his youngest child is 3, meaning he fucked off when they were still a baby. Nice. What a catch. You’re 26 - honestly, go now.

Exactly seems to me op you where there at the right time for him.

You're 26 ,want o D's of your own which won't happen with this guy.
Go,have fun and don't he tying yourself down in a 40 year old man child's life.

And yes, sorry but you are far too involved in his younger children's lives after only being together 2 years. You aren't a step mummy.

OK I am going to go against the grain a bit. I would give him a few months, whilst you sort your head out. You are young, and can move on, but I think that it's not easy to walk away from a real relationship, to which you were committed, and you need to work out what is right for you. You are clearly very much part of his younger childrens' lives and leaving them is not going to be easy for any of you.

If his account of fighting for access to his twins is real, then I can understand why he respected the decision of the courts. So why did he not tell you about them? Well, when he met you he had a one year old and a three year old, so must have been newly separated from their mother - and have just had a vasectomy - and you both had to work through how his two youngest children fitted into your lives - you had a lot going on. You now have even more!!

If having children of your own is important to you, then he needs to have that reversal done asap - the sooner the better. If he is not prepared to go there, you have your answer as to where you stand. If he does go, there may be a waiting list, so you need to be sure he is not delaying.

But you also need to work out how you feel if the reversal does not work. I suspect that you know the answer, and you may be better being honest with him sooner rather than later, but give yourself time to think through all of these issues now.

Best of luck

It's good to listen to advice , OP , but in the end it has to be your decision.
Perhaps he didn't tell you because he thought that 4 children and a vasectomy would be too much for you to accept . A selfish decision and he was looking at it from just his perspective probably because he didn't want to lose you .
It's up to you to decide whether you think you can come to terms with it or it's too much to take on board .

Good luck whatever you decide what to do

I would find someone younger who you can have kids with. Sounds like way too much hassle at 26. The biggest issue is that you want kids and he's had a vasectomy.

OP, you sound so similar to me and, trust me, however much you love this man and the children, this can only ever bring you hurt and pain in the long term. Advising you to leave a relationship of two years where you are happy and have forged a life and bonds is a big thing but you've been lied to in a big way.

My Ex-DP is also 13/14 years older than me and I found out he had two children after we'd been dating for two months. He told me he was divorced but that they got on OK. Turns out the divorce was a lie. They were still married and everyone involved (including the kids) knew I hadn't been told.

Lies like the one to which you've been exposed are relationship enders. You'll never ever be able to trust him fully and there will always be a little part of you that wonders what else you don't know.

You're in danger of totally losing yourself to this guy and his family and you need to start putting yourself first. You deserve it. As you say, the parents involved are good parents and the kids are happy.

You deserve to experience your firsts with someone who is at the same life stage as you. I'm engaged to a gorgeous, very lovely man who is the same age as me and it's the best decision ever.

Also, is he divorced? If they were ever married, ask to see paperwork.

You deserve better. No man is worth lies like this.

1. So he lied to you for two years about the existence of his older children.

1. He knew about them from aged 11 - 19 and he paid through CSA ( not sure I believe this ) but never made any effort to have a relationship with them.

1. He has you care for his children of 5 and 3 when they are supposed to be with him. Presumably he does this to pay less child support to their mother.

1. He’s nearly old enough to be your father and is at a totally different life stage.

1. He’s had a vasectomy but you want your own children. He might have a vasectomy reversal but these don’t always work and he would have to go private and pay.

Any single one of these would be a deal breaker for me. I’d end it now.

OP, most of the women on this thread have been 26 and dare I say it, 40 too. Listen to them.

You’re only 26. Why are you so desperate to play happy families with other people’s children?

A man who leaves his ex looking after a 3yr old and a 1yr old to shag a 24yr old young woman isn’t exactly a catch.

You can do so much better and if you stay, there’s a very good chance you’ll regret that decision in 10 yrs time.

My friend was in a similar position. She’s now in her forties, childless and single and very bitter about her choices in life.

Are you actually sure he's had a vasectomy?

It must have been very recent if his youngest child is 3. They don't like to do vasectomies when a man's partner is pregnant, or even when the baby is still very small (just in case anything goes wrong with the baby during that high-risk time and then the parents decide to try for another one after all). I asked my GP about it when I was pregnant with our youngest, and that was the answer I got.

So if he genuinely has had a vasectomy then he must have been very sure very recently that he wanted no more children at all, ever. It doesn't look good, to be honest. It sounds like he wanted a relationship with you and he knew that agreeing to more kids was the way to get it. Even if he goes through with that, it's the kind of situation which makes somebody a reluctant and resentful father, especially when the newborn is keeping you both awake all night. He's done it before, he knows what it's like, he made the decision never to do it again. That's not promising fatherhood material. Sorry.

You got together when the youngest was 1, so he and ex split when they had a baby and he moved on quickly with promises of a vasectomy reversal when he hadn’t had it that long, or they split when she was pregnant?

Either way he has lied to you about the older children for over a year and half because he has known the whole of your relationship.

But if you want to believe everything is kushti and the only issue is the kids rocking up...

He is going to have a very different relationship with them. They are adults and they don’t know him. They may not want to dive right in to seeing him all the time, contact may ebb and flow anyway, they don’t have the childhood history or him raising them, looking after them, providing for them (even though he sent money). Mentally there’s no history of that’s my baby all grown up iyswim. It’s an adult, with adult conversation, humour, needs etc.

Plus you are 6 years older than them. That’s something they will probably find awkward.

Being 5th on his love list is bs. Firstly you love kids and partners differently does if there were any lists they would be separate ones. And secondly, it would mean he loved his kids in an order of 1-5...

I mean, there's nothing I can say except to echo every single thing every pp has said.