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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my son he scraped a pass when he didn’t?

311 replies

Afibtomyboy · 14/09/2020 12:28

My son is due to take the 11 plus test in a month.

We paid for a private tutor last two years (as is the norm around here).
He has done a revision course And mocks.
He’s a bright boy and should pass.

However, he likely now won’t be going to grammar school as we will keep him at the private Prep school he currently goes to (that Goes up to year 8) and then on to another private school, which has its own admissions process rather than the 11 plus.

So... Pass or fail has no consequence whatsoever, and here’s the thing.... He has very very low self confidence. We are awaiting an adhd diagnosis (mild). He and his friends are competitive, actively encouraged by the school (a good thing IMO) and results will be discussed.

I am so worried about the impact on his self confidence if he does fail. I can’t tell you how much we have worked on building up his confidence over the last year, and it’s reaped so much. He’s so much happier, so much more settled. It is very positive but I strongly sense that an 11 plus fail will go deep, very deep and have a lingering negative impact.

Seeing as the impact of the result isn’t going to change our plan to keep him at current school (when we embarked on the 11 plus tutoring and process we didn’t think he would be staying but now we have sufficient funds to facilitate it, hence the change in plan. Still plan to take though, as head of current school says it will be very good preparation for the admissions process to the school we hope he will go to), AIBU to tell him that he did pass (but say that it was a scraped pass, but a pass nonetheless) if he does fail?

OP posts:
user1471519931 · 14/09/2020 12:29

This is so sad....what a crazy school system...

Sure, tell him he passed if there's absolutely no way he could ever find out the truth

Original poster
Afibtomyboy · 14/09/2020 12:30

It’s ghastly
Really

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Afibtomyboy · 14/09/2020 12:31

He’s so young too. August born.

OP posts:
FabbyChix · 14/09/2020 12:31

Bit sad you’re already thinking he will fail

BigBadVoodooHat · 14/09/2020 12:31

Still plan to take though, as head of current school says it will be very good preparation for the admissions process to the school we hope he will go to), AIBU to tell him that he did pass (but say that it was a scraped pass, but a pass nonetheless) if he does fail?

Yeah, make him take an exam he doesn’t need to take, then lie to him about the result. Telling him he barely scraped a pass will buck up his confidence no end.

Excellent plan.

gretagreengrapes · 14/09/2020 12:31

When I did it (years ago mind) you didn't get a pass or fail just a score. And then you knew if that score was good based on whether you got into the grammar school or not. So if you havent applied for the grammar school he will just have a number anyway, unless it's changed!

Wolfiefan · 14/09/2020 12:33

YABU to have him tutored for two years to pass the test and make him sit it if he didn’t need to. Why on earth would you do that?
And no. I wouldn’t lie to my child about their results.

seayork2020 · 14/09/2020 12:33

But if you knew his self esteem was that low why put him in this situation in the first place?

If it was my son I would not lie as I dont see that lying achieves, but if you want to then do it

dontdisturbmenow · 14/09/2020 12:33

Confidence steams from integrity. Being confidence in false pretences is not confidence.

He needs to learn to deal with failure and keep his chin up. Confidence in success is not hard. You won't always be there to protect him against failures and disappointments.

Original poster
Afibtomyboy · 14/09/2020 12:34

Yes it’s a number.

Would give him a low mark but Enough to get him in to the grammar school, just.

I am being over prepared because every mock etc He has sailed through.

OP posts:
GoldPaperStars · 14/09/2020 12:34

Absolutely, as long as there’s no way he could find out. Don’t ever tell him though. He could feel foolish or mistrustful of you if he finds out later on.

You sound like a really caring mother. He’s lucky to have you.

Original poster
Afibtomyboy · 14/09/2020 12:34

@seayork2020

But if you knew his self esteem was that low why put him in this situation in the first place?

If it was my son I would not lie as I dont see that lying achieves, but if you want to then do it

The alternative to grammar around here if not private is dire
OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 14/09/2020 12:34

if hes not going to go to the school anyway why make him take the exam

leiaskye · 14/09/2020 12:35

@gretagreengrapes

When I did it (years ago mind) you didn't get a pass or fail just a score. And then you knew if that score was good based on whether you got into the grammar school or not. So if you havent applied for the grammar school he will just have a number anyway, unless it's changed!
This is just as it was when my daughter took it 3 years ago.

They rank everyone in order of their results, you’ll just get told you placed at position 100, for example.

Although you can roughly work it out, until actually you apply to the school, you won’t know you’ll actually get a place.

christinarossetti19 · 14/09/2020 12:35

Won't he want to see the email or letter?

Given that the exam makes no difference in terms of his schooling, I would leave it up to him as to whether he takes it or not.

And if he does take it, just tell him the result honestly. It's just one test on one day. He may pass (hurray!) or may not (disappointing but not the end of the world).

lostguider · 14/09/2020 12:36

No point in sitting it if the outcome doesn't change the plans.

christinarossetti19 · 14/09/2020 12:37

I agree. Unless he wants to, which some children might having prepared for two years.

seayork2020 · 14/09/2020 12:37

But if he is not going then no need to take the test, i would explain them let him decide

ComeBackIntoTheGardenMaud · 14/09/2020 12:38

This all sounds back to front.

Why on earth, after two years of tutoring, are you entertaining the idea that he might fail? Surely the tutor should have warned you long ago if there was significant doubt about his passing the exam. And if failing would destroy his self-confidence, why ever did you embark on this route? It seems so risky.

Illdealwithitinaminute · 14/09/2020 12:40

I wouldn't let a child sit the 11+ who is going to be devastated by the result. I've had two children do it, one passed, one did not, and the one that did not was able to accept it and happily go to another school. Even with robust self-confidence, that's hard, so no, I wouldn't bother making him sit this given what you say about his poor confidence and that you don't need it. Any child can have an off day, my dd that failed did fine in her mocks but it just didn't happen on the day and that might happen to your son too- so swerve the whole thing!

Kazakaren · 14/09/2020 12:40

Why is he sitting it if you're not planning on using it? Seems stressful and pointless to me. But yes, if you are going to make him sit it and he won't find out I'd tell him he'd passed either way. Although if he's sailed through the mocks he might well pass anyway.

Anxiousmess01 · 14/09/2020 12:40

If he’s going to take the test and it doesn’t count for anything and he’s worked hard, yes i’d tell him he’s passed (not scraped one though!)

boredboredboredboredbored · 14/09/2020 12:40

@chipsandpeas

if hes not going to go to the school anyway why make him take the exam

That's what I thought?! Confused

Bubblesgun · 14/09/2020 12:41

@Afibtomyboy
You are looking at it the wrong way IMO.

The only to build his confidence is to

  1. Discuss with the change of plan, the reasoning and the outcome you are expecting to achieve. So the Why and the How.
  2. Get him on board
  3. As a consequence tell him he doesnt HAVE TO take the 11+ unless he WANTS TO to see how it feels like.
  4. Explain then that the results successful, pass or fail or number or whatever have no meaning because it is about PRACTISING the PROCESS of admissions.

Then, after the exam if he takes it, deconstruct the process with him.

  • what was easy and hard and why
  • did he feel ready
  • what does he think he should have focused on
  • what would he do differently if he was to take it again
Etc

That way you are building his confidence on his ability to trust HIMSELF hence you are giving him a positive self esteem.

Your plan as described in your post will achieve the opposite AND erode the trust he has in you.
That is only my opinion of course.

FOJN · 14/09/2020 12:43

I don't think lying to a child is a good idea. What would the consequences be if he ever found out the truth? You will not be able to protect him from disappointment forever. I think it's better to teach children that its not our failures which define us but how we deal with them.

You say he's sailed through his mocks so I'm wondering if the problem is more yours than his.