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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my son he scraped a pass when he didn’t?

311 replies

Afibtomyboy · 14/09/2020 12:28

My son is due to take the 11 plus test in a month.

We paid for a private tutor last two years (as is the norm around here).
He has done a revision course And mocks.
He’s a bright boy and should pass.

However, he likely now won’t be going to grammar school as we will keep him at the private Prep school he currently goes to (that Goes up to year 8) and then on to another private school, which has its own admissions process rather than the 11 plus.

So... Pass or fail has no consequence whatsoever, and here’s the thing.... He has very very low self confidence. We are awaiting an adhd diagnosis (mild). He and his friends are competitive, actively encouraged by the school (a good thing IMO) and results will be discussed.

I am so worried about the impact on his self confidence if he does fail. I can’t tell you how much we have worked on building up his confidence over the last year, and it’s reaped so much. He’s so much happier, so much more settled. It is very positive but I strongly sense that an 11 plus fail will go deep, very deep and have a lingering negative impact.

Seeing as the impact of the result isn’t going to change our plan to keep him at current school (when we embarked on the 11 plus tutoring and process we didn’t think he would be staying but now we have sufficient funds to facilitate it, hence the change in plan. Still plan to take though, as head of current school says it will be very good preparation for the admissions process to the school we hope he will go to), AIBU to tell him that he did pass (but say that it was a scraped pass, but a pass nonetheless) if he does fail?

OP posts:
Scarby9 · 14/09/2020 12:44

Just tell him / discuss with him that he will be staying at his current school so doesn't need to take the exam. Then don't put him in for the exam.
If you think the tutor is working, keep them on and shift the focus to securing his understanding and confidence ready for the school entrance exam.
Don't lie to him. If he finds out, what will that do to his self esteem and his relationship with you? 'I wasn't good enough to pass and my parents thought I wouldn't be able to cope with reality' - that would further erode my confidence.
What if you did go ahead with your plan and he goes to pieces in the exam? I know children who have only written their name or tick boxes randomly. He would then know he could not have passed.

PETRONELLAS · 14/09/2020 12:46

Will you tell anyone else? If so, your son may one day find out and never trust you.
Sounds like he will do fine.

SpringFan · 14/09/2020 12:47

We have a similar system here. TBH, I would not let him take the 11plus- tell him the truth that you have decided to keep him at his current school.
Although, we decided to leave our eldest DC at prep school until end of Y8 but changed our minds during Y6 due to bullying ( Also a school where "competition" was encouraged). We managed to get him through 11 plus ( later date then) and Y7 admission exams. As it happened the chosen school admitted at Y7 and Y9 but those moved in Y7 seemed to cope better. My child was a lot happier.

BaronessBomburst · 14/09/2020 12:47

His mother is planning to lie to him on the basis that he fails an exam that a) he doesn't need to take and b) is being tutored to pass.
And he has low confidence and self-esteem.
I wonder how these things might be related? Hmm

Pangwin · 14/09/2020 12:49

As someone who also sat the 11+ and apparently scraped a pass (we couldn't afford tutoring) I know how crap I felt when my mum told me I'd only just scraped through. I always lacked confidence so to be told I was only just clever enough to go to a school full of really really clever children was upsetting and affected my confidence even more. Fortunately, I didn't need to go to this particular school in the end but even now, aged 39, I still remember that feeling that I wasn't good enough.

Tbh I wouldn't make him sit the exam if there's no chance he'll change school. Telling him he scraped a pass will likely bash his confidence anyway- who wants to know they barely scraped through?- so tbh you'd be better placed to cancel plans to sit the exam, continue with tutoring for the actual exam he will need to sit, and spend the time building up his confidence and resilience.

helpmum2003 · 14/09/2020 12:49

If it was me I'd let my child be a child and not take the exam. When the time comes for entrance exams put him in for a school that is achievable for him. Especially if he potentially has a LD.

Beechview · 14/09/2020 12:50

Your intentions are good but it may back fire.
What if he sees the email/letter or asks to see it?
What if you make up a position and it’s the same as someone else in his friendship group?
I would either not make him take the test or let him take it if he wants to and let him know that the result doesn’t matter and you’re proud of him anyway for working hard.

We had a parent who lied about their child’s 11 plus score and everyone knew. It’s so pointless.
Children learn a lot from their failures as well as their successes.

Pangwin · 14/09/2020 12:51

Just to add, I think @Bubblesgun advice is brilliant and is a good way to go.

Theramin · 14/09/2020 12:51

I can see where he gets his self-esteem issues from.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/09/2020 12:51

Ffs. Your child has low confidence so you 'help' him by sending him to a results obsessed school and add to that the pressure of the 11+?

RepeatSwan · 14/09/2020 12:51

I have no clue why parents persist in still entering for 11 plus.

I went to private school. The competitiveness was everywhere and even as someone who achieved it made me cringe.

I would never put my children through 11-plus imo it is archaic.

ravenmum · 14/09/2020 12:52

I failed my 11 plus, went to a bog-standard secondary school, on to uni and now have a diploma at Masters level.

What does he think the 11 plus proves?

GoatsInBoats · 14/09/2020 12:52

If you know he doesn't need the result I wouldn't put him in for the test at all. Why would you?

lborgia · 14/09/2020 12:53

@BaronessBomburst - precisely. Also, she is asking for advice on what to do if he fails an exam when he has already flown through at the mock papers.

What the hell kind of life are these people living?!

Poor child. FFS, just tell him he can do the exam for practice if he wants, and just stop the tutoring, and give him some room.

MrsMcMuffins · 14/09/2020 12:53

First of all I would not put him through the exams if he is going to be this upset about the results.
I would not lie to him and pretend he can pass an exam when he can’t. How will that prepare him for his next exam?
My eldest did the 11 plus and passed, but I was shocked at how much pressure and talk it was around results day. The parents seemed overly invested in everyone’s else’s child and it was horrible for those who didn’t pass. I did not put my other children through this exam as I wasn’t sure they would pass and would only put through a child I thought was 95% sure of passing (of course anything could happen on the day).

Bufferingkisses · 14/09/2020 12:54

Don't lie. You were going to send him to grammar but now have the finds to keep him at prep. If your situation changes again you may have to look at that decision again. Additionally he has to take an entrance exam for his next school - which means there is a risk of failing.

If there is ever a time you need to take him out of prep he will not only lose his school but also learn about the lie. That risks doing far worse to his self esteem.

If you are that worried don't do the exam. Do not lie.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/09/2020 12:54

[quote Bubblesgun]**@Afibtomyboy
You are looking at it the wrong way IMO.

The only to build his confidence is to

  1. Discuss with the change of plan, the reasoning and the outcome you are expecting to achieve. So the Why and the How.
  2. Get him on board
  3. As a consequence tell him he doesnt HAVE TO take the 11+ unless he WANTS TO to see how it feels like.
  4. Explain then that the results successful, pass or fail or number or whatever have no meaning because it is about PRACTISING the PROCESS of admissions.

Then, after the exam if he takes it, deconstruct the process with him.

  • what was easy and hard and why
  • did he feel ready
  • what does he think he should have focused on
  • what would he do differently if he was to take it again
Etc

That way you are building his confidence on his ability to trust HIMSELF hence you are giving him a positive self esteem.

Your plan as described in your post will achieve the opposite AND erode the trust he has in you.
That is only my opinion of course.[/quote]
Brilliant advice.

whiteroseredrose · 14/09/2020 12:55

I wouldn't lie. He may not trust you again however well meant.

Can you just skip the 11+ altogether? Or are you hoping he may scrape in?

If he's definitely staying put pull him out of the exam and big up his current school. No point in taking the exam as you may be tempted if he passes.

Porcupineinwaiting · 14/09/2020 12:56

I mean this kindly but. Your ds has been educated privately, he has been tutored for 2 years and you are still not sure he'll pass the 11 plus? Grammar school is clearly not for him, (it's good you've recognized that) so he does not need to sit this exam. Why put him through it then risk having to lie to him?

If you want to help his self esteem stop trying to push him into a hole that's not right for him. Support his actual abilities and talents- I bet he's got loads. It's nice to be highly academic but it's not the be all and end all of life, success and happiness

BlusteryShowers · 14/09/2020 12:56

I agree with @Bubblesgun . Hopefully he will see it as a challenge, especially after taking so long to prepare but it takes some of the stakes away. He'll still have the social pressure though.

TempestHayes · 14/09/2020 12:57

I'm so glad I don't live in one of these vile areas that do this to children.

Pull him from the test and stop playing with his confidence. If you've already planned to send him to St Augustus' Academy for the Rich and Privileged, go for it. Who cares if his friends are competitive, it's all poison from their parents anyway.

timetest · 14/09/2020 12:58

Why make him take the test if you have no intention to send him to grammar? I would not lie to a child, if he finds out he will lose trust in you.

MeridaTheBold · 14/09/2020 12:59

I wouldn't make him sit the test. It won't benefit him if he struggles with it or if you lie about the results. In fact, failing the test or/and finding out you lied will have an awful effect on his confidence compared to the minimal benefit of having exam practise. The head of your current school is thinking about the school not your son's confidence or happiness.

cantdothisnow1 · 14/09/2020 12:59

Why is he still sitting the test if he doesn't need to unless HE wants to?

De88 · 14/09/2020 12:59

Ditto exactly as @Bubblesgun said!