To tell my son he scraped a pass when he didn’t?

[Afibtomyboy]

My son is due to take the 11 plus test in a month.

We paid for a private tutor last two years (as is the norm around here).
He has done a revision course And mocks.
He’s a bright boy and should pass.

However, he likely now won’t be going to grammar school as we will keep him at the private Prep school he currently goes to (that Goes up to year 8) and then on to another private school, which has its own admissions process rather than the 11 plus.

So... Pass or fail has no consequence whatsoever, and here’s the thing.... He has very very low self confidence. We are awaiting an adhd diagnosis (mild). He and his friends are competitive, actively encouraged by the school (a good thing IMO) and results will be discussed.

I am so worried about the impact on his self confidence if he does fail. I can’t tell you how much we have worked on building up his confidence over the last year, and it’s reaped so much. He’s so much happier, so much more settled. It is very positive but I strongly sense that an 11 plus fail will go deep, very deep and have a lingering negative impact.

Seeing as the impact of the result isn’t going to change our plan to keep him at current school (when we embarked on the 11 plus tutoring and process we didn’t think he would be staying but now we have sufficient funds to facilitate it, hence the change in plan. Still plan to take though, as head of current school says it will be very good preparation for the admissions process to the school we hope he will go to), AIBU to tell him that he did pass (but say that it was a scraped pass, but a pass nonetheless) if he does fail?

I don't know how 11+ works, but surely his school will know the outcome so you would have to ask his teachers to lie as well, and I would assume they would refuse.

My son has autism and a learning difficulty, no way would I have agreed to him doing GCSEs he didn't need, let alone one at 11 that makes no difference to where he goes to school.
Don't lie to him, such things have a habit of coming out which will be more damaging for everyone

What’s your plan B if he doesn’t pass the entrance exam for the private school? Because if it’s the grammar, then that will have significance to your decision.

I am a fervent believer in not lying to children. They need to understand the world we grow up in, and accepting that they'll sometimes fail at things is one of the things they need to learn. But with all the tutoring and his good mocks, there is no reason to think he'll fail anyway judging by what you posted.

But personally I also wouldn't be encouraging a child with self esteem issues to be sitting an exam that they don't need to take. As an adult you wouldn't do it. Sit him down, explain that the position has changed, and offer him the choice. But don't lie about his results.

Does he know he is not changing school?

This thread makes me sad.

Your son is eleven years old and the amount of pressure you're putting him under is horrendous

Are you in Bucks @Afibtomyboy? A lot of the private school DC don’t bother taking if you’re definitely going down the private route for secondary. So I’d be inclined to do that. It is a funny old system here.

Can you clarify if he is aware he likely won't be going to the grammar school? Does he want to go there?

My parents allowed me to take a private school entrance exam and I was over the moon to pass, only for them to then tell me they couldn't afford it and never had any intention of sending me. I was gutted.

To put in all that work, achieve a pass (real or not) and it all be basically for nothing...is probably not the self esteem boost you think it is.

I can't see how sitting an unrelated exam now will help him in 2 years' time. I expect the school want him to sit it for their stats.

Agree with @dontdisturbmenow and @Bubblesgun

Please support him and be honest with him and build his confidence out of truth.

My friend’s children are at a prep school in a grammar school area and I find it quite incredible that they are paying just short of £6k a term and still have to pay an outside tutor. Then only for the head teacher to say that the pressure of 11+ preparation is “good practice” for an entirely different exam two years later for a private school.

If you’re set on a private school I can’t see that all that 11+ prep and angst adds anything at all to a child’s confidence (but I can see how there’s pressure to be swept up in the 11+ frenzy).

Rather than lying to him I would start laying the ground work for a flexible attitude to not passing, focussing on the positives of the next school etc etc. IME word often gets out about who has passed and failed and you don’t want him to hear the truth from someone else do you?

I don't really get the thing about you thinking it is such a good thing that the school encourages competitiveness but you are going to undermine that by lying. What if they all lie? You son says he got 90 out of hundred so his friend says he got 95 then the next one says he gets a 100, before you know it some of the kids are going to be scoring 150 out of a 100. What a mad situation.

The modern 11+ is a hard test that cannot be passed by anyone who is not in the top 2-5% of measurable IQ, and who performs to that standard on the exam day. The test is designed to be tutor proofed (it isn't quite, but there are some design featured focused on measuring natural ability).

The post-war 11+ was aimed at the top 20% of the population that would be offered a grammar place, rather than general secondary school. Passing the modern 11+ does not guarantee a place at a local grammar school, and there are many factors involved. Some schools prioritise kids with additional needs, kids living in the immediate area, kids from care backgrounds, kids with siblings or parents who have attended at some stage. My boy sat the exam. He is bright and he passed, but he was never offered a place at our first-choice grammar. This was to do with the school policy and the exceptionally high cut off mark for his year. He was offered a place at the other selective school in the area, but we decided against that due to his medical conditions and travel times. His friend goes to the grammar school. He gets a bus at 7am every morning and doesn't get home until after 5pm. He spends 2 hours on homework every night and goes to bed early. While grammar education is of tremendous value for some, it doesn't work well for others. I am very glad my boy didn't go there having seen his exhausted friend. 11+ pass does not predict onward performance (only aptitude). I know someone who came top of the county for 11+, and has done very little with his life since...failing exams, dropping out of college etc. I would have failed the 11+ I suspect, as I had a poor attention span back then. I have an academic career including scholarships for degrees and doctorates, Oxford fellowships etc. I am not stealth boasting, but it just goes to show that the 11+ is not that important to what happens later. Maturity and motivation to study can come later in life, and shape the eventual outcome.

No, don’t tell him her passed!!!

Explain that we can’t all be top of the class and that the majority of children in an average class, wouldn’t pass the 11+!!

The whole point in these schools is to facilitate those that are academically able naturally - not due to being hot housed for 2 years in order to pass it!!

I don’t blame you personally, as it’s what you feel you need to do because the norm is ‘hot housing’ but it’s absolutely crackers that it’s ‘allowed’.

If a child needs two years prep to pass an admission test, then I would be very concerned that they wouldn’t be able to keep up, because it’s not known if they could have passed without being hot housed.

It’s a shame for the brightest kids from low income families that can’t afford to use a private tutor to help inflate their score!!

Imo tutoring for years takes an average child and ousted then in to achieving higher grades, but it’s not down to being naturally brighter, it’s brass they have been pushed and pushed to their limits.

The question I would be asking is, if they didn’t have all the extra tutoring, would they have still passed?!?!

"The alternative to grammar around here if not private is dire"

I'm astonished no-one else has picked you up on this. The system creams off the richest kids (private school), the next richest kids (tutoring) and the brightest of the not-rich kids (succeding on untutored intellectual abillty) and the alternative is "dire"? Well, no shit. I wonder why. You're part of the problem.

@Bubblesgun 👏🏻

Personally, I would not lie to my DC.
However, if the exam outcome is no longer important to you, I would also attempt to lower its importance to my DC. This would be tricky considering you have been paying a private tutor to coach him.

How are you going to explain him passing but not having a rank for the school? You couldn't do that where I live!

Lying to him won't help. Does he want to take the test?

OP, quite a few of the children my son asked for their 11+ grades, both when he was still at Y6 and later at Y7 at the grammar school said that they had no idea. Their mum had apparently said that they had passed and that's all they knew. It could very well have beed true.

Also, most of the children with very good results went to private schools.

This year the LA have begged parents who don't really want to send their child to this grammar not to use it as a mock so they can reduce the number of children who sit the exam because of coronavirus and social distancing but from what I can see who cares?

If he's been tutored for two years and there's doubt he will pass; why are you so certain he'll pass the admissions test for the school you've chosen instead? So bizarre
Maybe you need to look at non academically selective instead.

I passed my 11+, but my sister did not. She found out, and it caused a bit of a rift. I have no idea how she found out, but she did.

(I don't remember her being told that she'd passed, but we'd just moved foster parents and she maintains that they did. I suspect they let her believe it, but didn't actually say it. Anyway).

I wouldn’t bother with if it’s likely to be that detrimental and you have other plans.

Tough one.
But by the sounds of it you're over-preparing unnecessarily, as it sounds like he'll do well.
Still.

I'd still let him do the 11+, on the grounds that no one knows what the future holds, and you may still choose to send him to the grammar school in the end if he gets a place. And I agree that exam practice is useful.

Different system in Australia, but I put my son through 3 sets of different testing - 1 was for the selective state schools, 1 was for a specific state school that has a selective programme, and 1 was for a scholarship to the local private school. There wasn't any way he was going to the local sink state high school. He didn't get the scholarship, he was put on the waiting list for the selective schools, but he did get a place on the selective programme (thank goodness!). If he hadn't, he would have gone to the private school anyway - but things are a bit different here, and the private school isn't an academically pushy one.

I worked on the principle that all practice was beneficial. The difference is that DS wasn't insecure in his own capabilities, so was able to take it on the chin when he didn't get high enough scores for the selective schools or the scholarship programme.

If he'd been more insecure, I don't know what I would have done - I'm not sure that lying to him would have been a great plan but I totally see why you would do that, to avoid knocking his confidence. I think maybe it would be better to say that, while he achieved a good score, there were too many others who also achieved good scores, and he was just under the cut-off. If he understands about bell curves and how the scoring system works, he should be able to understand that, if too many people score high, then the number of students who excel becomes reduced because they move the goalposts up.

I'd do it like that, rather than outright telling him a fib.

You shouldn’t have let him take the test

From what the OP says (apparently he's done brilliantly at mocks?) it seems more likely that she is not sure about whether her DS will accepted at the private school so is trying to at least secure a grammar place as an alternative.

I know of a girl who went to a private until age 16 and then her parents pulled her out to go to a grammar. The reason was the fierce competition, children even discussed what kind of car their parents drove One girl apparently had 3 different maths tutors! The mother told me that tuition was not going to stop so why not go to a state school instead.

He hasn't taken it yet. She's anticipating possible failure.