To tell my son he scraped a pass when he didn’t?

[Afibtomyboy]

My son is due to take the 11 plus test in a month.

We paid for a private tutor last two years (as is the norm around here).
He has done a revision course And mocks.
He’s a bright boy and should pass.

However, he likely now won’t be going to grammar school as we will keep him at the private Prep school he currently goes to (that Goes up to year 8) and then on to another private school, which has its own admissions process rather than the 11 plus.

So... Pass or fail has no consequence whatsoever, and here’s the thing.... He has very very low self confidence. We are awaiting an adhd diagnosis (mild). He and his friends are competitive, actively encouraged by the school (a good thing IMO) and results will be discussed.

I am so worried about the impact on his self confidence if he does fail. I can’t tell you how much we have worked on building up his confidence over the last year, and it’s reaped so much. He’s so much happier, so much more settled. It is very positive but I strongly sense that an 11 plus fail will go deep, very deep and have a lingering negative impact.

Seeing as the impact of the result isn’t going to change our plan to keep him at current school (when we embarked on the 11 plus tutoring and process we didn’t think he would be staying but now we have sufficient funds to facilitate it, hence the change in plan. Still plan to take though, as head of current school says it will be very good preparation for the admissions process to the school we hope he will go to), AIBU to tell him that he did pass (but say that it was a scraped pass, but a pass nonetheless) if he does fail?

@GoatsInBoats

If you know he doesn't need the result I wouldn't put him in for the test at all. Why would you?

I agree with this, if the school you know you’re going to send him to has a different entry process why does he even need to do the test?

^ just to reiterate, I’d been in classes for smart kids and told I was top of the class at junior school. It built me up to think I was, but in comparison to all the high school kids, I just wasn’t. We need to stop telling kids they’re the best all the time.

This whole setup sounds utterly bizarre. No wonder he has low self esteem, why are you putting him through so much unnecessary stress?

Op. Why did you make him do that exam? Tell us please

So if he passes that means another child has failed doesn't it?

One risk is he then decides he wants to go to the grammar (because mates are going, he doesn’t like the school you’ve chosen etc)

And then you need to fess up.

Def keep it simple for your own sake and your relationship with him

My eldest child was destroyed by the y6 SATs, screaming and headbanging on his bedroom floor every night during testing week. I wish to god I had stood up to school and said no, he is not sitting these tests, no benefit could possibly be worth what it is doing to him.

Then we got the results, later on. One of his results, I can't even recall which now, was 98 and he knew damn well that mean he had 'failed'. Cue further meltdown. It was horrible. If your son struggles with these things, having him take a test he does not have to take is madness.

I'm a bit bamboozled. You've shelled out thousands upon thousands on private schooling and a tutor, and there's a risk he won't pass? If that's the case he must be totally unacademic, so why exactly are you bothering? If he has much academic ability at all surely he'll fly through.

And no, I wouldn't lie. He'll possibly spend the rest of his life telling people he passed the 11+ when he didn't.

Why on earth would you make your DS sit a test he doesn't need and then lie about the result if he doesn't pass?

@Afibtomyboy

He’s so young too. August born.

I know it's not relevant to your question but when mine took entrance exams/11 plus, the results were age adjusted by birth month to take this into account.

If he is sailing through his mocks, why are you so concerned that he might fail? With kindness, do you think that you might be contributing to his low self esteem if you doubt him so much?

Why don't you tell him about the new school arrangements and that he only has to take the 11+ if he wants to (maybe for practice for the other exam), and that it doesn't matter how he does? This will reduce the stress on him and maybe he will relax and do really well.

@WildAboutMyPlanet

^ just to reiterate, I’d been in classes for smart kids and told I was top of the class at junior school. It built me up to think I was, but in comparison to all the high school kids, I just wasn’t. We need to stop telling kids they’re the best all the time.

Ranking children 'best' etc is really unhealthy. It damages those at the top and those at the bottom.

At the bottom it causes lack of motivation, disengagement etc. At the top it causes insecurity, perfectionism etc.

From what you have said he has done well in the mocks and is getting good marks.

So if he does fail he is going to know that he had a bad test. And telling him differently will go against his instincts on how he is feeling.

Also I feel your anxiety around this is causing a lot of his issues.

OP, as someone who's done well at school and beyond, has gone through very competitive exams, used to work as an educator (in higher education, mind you, not primary/secondary), and as a parent of a bright-yet-anxious ADHD child...
If find your approach to schooling/education disturbing, and I worry for your child. Not because of him, but because of you.

I'm sure you mean well, but you also sound like you're trying way too hard, you care way too much, and you're piling on way too much pressure on your child as a result.
As a former educator and examiner, I must insist: exams are really, really meaningless in the great scheme of things. Sure, they can open some doors. But there's much more doors and paths than people think. The journey (the bit when young people learn who they are and what makes them tick) is far, far more important than any official piece of paper.

So... trying to boost your child's self-confidence, on the basis of lie, about something utterly meaningless, is sending exactly the wrong message. And I worry that you seem to care so much (and are projecting both your own anxiety, and the wrong kind of values). It's not healthy.

The sad thing is you are the one putting him under this pressure. Remove the pressure of having to pass important exams at 11 and you will probably find a massive improvement in his self esteem. It sounds like he is in a system which is setting him up to fail

I think trust is the basis of our relationships with our kids so imo I would be honest.

I live in a 11+ area and I think the issue is not your son!

I live in an 11+ area and its horrible. Dc1 should do well, but the stress levels are insane.

In my dcs class a few parents are planning on private secondary, they have all not put their dc in for the 11+.

In this situation I would withdraw him. Its a stress you don't need, and he won't benefit from it.

Some great advice here. As another perspective - my son was privately educated and young for his year. We chose not to put him in for the 11+ as he was staying at his school (lots of parents did just to see...). At that time he definitely would have had a 50/50 chance...

Two years later he sat the entrance examination for his selective independent that is very competitive and he aced it. He had changed so much in those two years.

You also mention that he has flown through all of his mocks so I really think you are very anxious about this, perhaps unnecessarily...

I was already to say one thing and then read on.

My children all passed their 11+ and went to grammar schools. My daughter went to X school which is very results focussed. In my opinion to the detriment of the children. My dd wanted to sit four A levels and the school said no. They would rather the students achieve three A than a mix of A and As totalling four. So wrong. That being the case my dd left and they lost an incredible student. She is now at another grammar school and the feelings I get are the students and parents come first, they are a community, they expect the children to work hard but kindness, etc are at the fore front. They celebrate everything. A year seven who stood on her leg for so long just as much as some one who passes grade seven violin.

Some things are much more important than a school who will push and push to get a child scoring nine A* while leaving them lacking in confidence, being ridiculously competitive and lacking in self belief.

I wouldn't be worrying about lying about his results but getting him into a school where they care about the students well being more than the results they like to claim for themselves.

I think it's worth taking a step back OP. You don't seem to believe in your son's ability to pass and see him as so fragile you have to lie to him... even if you tell him positive things with your words, he will feel those messages and may well be one of the causes of his low self esteem.

believe in him and his resilience and he might start to too.... ?

No, I wouldn't tell a lie about that. Your child is going to be a teenager soon, and you need to have a trusting relationship with them. It's wrong.

You’re not helping him in the long run though. If he doesn’t pass he doesn’t pass and children (people) really do need to learn that. You won’t be able to lie about the next one. If he doesn’t pass you’ll just have to address it and focus on the fact that he’s lucky to have other options.

We live in a grammar area and quite honestly people laugh at the kids who say they passed but aren't going to go, not to their faces hopefully but it is a local joke. So many do it. If you aren't going to take a place you are wasting everyone's time doing this.

Another one to say that bubblesgun's advice is spot on - definitely do that. You don't build kids' self confidence by fibbing to them about how well they did, especially a bright one who can probably figure out for themselves how well they likely did. I wonder why it is that you are even entertaining the idea that he might fail, given that a) he's bright and b) you've had a tutor for 2 years.

Given how bright he is, could he be picking up on the fact that you think he might fail, and then taking a hit to his self-esteem because he thinks his own mother expects him to fail?

I would ask dc if he wants to take it or not. Then if he wants to, will tell him the result.
Why worried anyway, if he has sailed through the mocks. If he failed because he's got exam nerve but not because of his ability, isn't it better for him to know the results, and why to prepare for the future? Especially this will not determine anything.