To tell my son he scraped a pass when he didn’t?

[Afibtomyboy]

My son is due to take the 11 plus test in a month.

We paid for a private tutor last two years (as is the norm around here).
He has done a revision course And mocks.
He’s a bright boy and should pass.

However, he likely now won’t be going to grammar school as we will keep him at the private Prep school he currently goes to (that Goes up to year 8) and then on to another private school, which has its own admissions process rather than the 11 plus.

So... Pass or fail has no consequence whatsoever, and here’s the thing.... He has very very low self confidence. We are awaiting an adhd diagnosis (mild). He and his friends are competitive, actively encouraged by the school (a good thing IMO) and results will be discussed.

I am so worried about the impact on his self confidence if he does fail. I can’t tell you how much we have worked on building up his confidence over the last year, and it’s reaped so much. He’s so much happier, so much more settled. It is very positive but I strongly sense that an 11 plus fail will go deep, very deep and have a lingering negative impact.

Seeing as the impact of the result isn’t going to change our plan to keep him at current school (when we embarked on the 11 plus tutoring and process we didn’t think he would be staying but now we have sufficient funds to facilitate it, hence the change in plan. Still plan to take though, as head of current school says it will be very good preparation for the admissions process to the school we hope he will go to), AIBU to tell him that he did pass (but say that it was a scraped pass, but a pass nonetheless) if he does fail?

@Porcupineinwaiting

I mean this kindly but. Your ds has been educated privately, he has been tutored for 2 years and you are still not sure he'll pass the 11 plus? Grammar school is clearly not for him, (it's good you've recognized that) so he does not need to sit this exam. Why put him through it then risk having to lie to him?

If you want to help his self esteem stop trying to push him into a hole that's not right for him. Support his actual abilities and talents- I bet he's got loads. It's nice to be highly academic but it's not the be all and end all of life, success and happiness

Seconded.

I'd totally tell him he passed

I think you should explain it all to him in advance, and try to get him on board with your plan. Tell him you've pretty much decided he'll stay at his current school, but explain that his teacher thinks sitting the 11 plus exam will be a good experience for him, to prepare him for his entrance exam in a couple of years.

Hopefully he'll get on board with this plan and he'll be less stressed about the 11 plus and get a good score anyway. If his score isn't too good, he can downplay his result when discussing it with his peers, on the grounds that he only took the exam for experience and didn't try too hard...

If, when you tell him, he kicks off massively about the futility and injustice of the whole thing (and, let's be honest, it does sound a bit OTT) you'd be better off listening to him and letting him skip the exam, for the sake of your future relationship.

Also, will he even believe you if you lie to him and don't show him his result on paper? I'm sure my DD would want to see for herself, and she would definitely smell a rat if we refused to show her her own test result.

I think @Bubblesgun's post constitutes constructive good advice.

And what a depressing and divisive education system.

I was brought up in a grammar school area, so I understand the dynamics you are dealing with. Passing isn't a matter of getting more than a certain percentage. It is a matter of being in the top X number of kids. The pass mark therefore varies. If it helps him socially then this is one of the rare occasions on which I would say that this is a harmless white lie for which there is a lot to be gained in terms of self confidence and nothing to lose.

Don't have him sit the test. Why put him through someone so stressful for no reason?

As someone whose daughter was utterly devastated by failing. I do think you should say he passed, id be tempted to fake the letter if need be.

Honestly, mine still hasn’t got over it and I thought she was fairly resilient. She worked so bloody hard, was in the gifted and talented, top 3 at school. But just didn’t pull it out the bag on the day.

something

I am, however, confused about why he is taking the exam at all.

YABU and doing him no favours by lying.
When he finds out he'll never trust you again. You must know what happens when trust is broken.
You put him in that situation knowing his issues, it may be the done thing for some people in your area, but you don't have to follow, baaaaa.
Poor child.

What hell kind of bullshit is this? So our children don’t have enough to deal with that it’s become acceptable to even consider putting them in for an exam they don’t need?

I mean when we see the rises of child suicide , mental health issues and self harm that should be enough of an indication that we have a responsibility to reduce the amount of stress our children live through , not increase it for fucking “good experience”.

Give me strength.

So you've had two years of tutoring and the tutor doesn't think he'll pass? I think telling him he passed will give him a false sense of security about where he is academically.
So he stays where he is our goes to private school and can't keep up, bit he's thinking he got onto the grammar? How will that help?

YABU.
He doesn't need to sit the 11+
Discuss with him the change of plans and how they suit him better. Allow him to talk it over with you.
He's so young.

I was adamant my son wasn't going to be tutored for the 11+ as I firmly believe that a child who has to be extensively coached, simply won't thrive at a grammar. Couldn't have afforded if anyway; I'm a single mum who works a number of part-time jobs to get by. He got in anyway, although his marks certainly weren't as high as most of the eight boys from his year who also passed (small village school; unusually high-achieving cohort). I was as pleased as Punch.

If your son is 'very bright', he shouldn't have needed two years of tutoring to get to this point, where you still have no real confidence that he'll pass. And you're sending him to private school anyway?

Crazy.

They sit it at my children’s school so it is the done thing for all kids, you can opt out of course. But 1 out of 64 opted out last year.

And having worked so hard I can see why the op is thinking about letting him sit it. Especially if it’s the done thing in the area.

I couldn't agree more with @Bubblesgun. It will be a much more powerful lesson for his resilience and confidence if he feels that he has some agency over whether he actually takes the test or not.

I think bubblesgun has the right idea too.

Not in the UK and don't know much about the school system/these exams but OP I wouldn't lie if there's ANY chance he'll find out later. Even online when he's older looking for different results for a CV or something and it'll show up. You don't want to risk him doubting everything you said he did because he might feel he can't trust it.

Why would you need to pay for tutoring on top of private school fees?

I'm not sure op..

What he gets so excited he's passed that be suddenly decides be wants to go about becomes a bit obsessional about it?

As a general rule, I think the truth wins out. Maybe better to just not talk about it and wait to see if he brings it up?

*ugh typos!!

What if be gets really excited that he's passed and goes on about it and decides he wants to go there.

@Keeva2017

What hell kind of bullshit is this? So our children don’t have enough to deal with that it’s become acceptable to even consider putting them in for an exam they don’t need?

I mean when we see the rises of child suicide , mental health issues and self harm that should be enough of an indication that we have a responsibility to reduce the amount of stress our children live through , not increase it for fucking “good experience”.

Give me strength.

Agree with this. And no child needs to do 11+.

It damages the ones who pass and the ones who fail.

I know it's upsetting but life is HARD and he will need support to deal with real life. It's also a real break in trust.

You radiate tension. This may be having more of an impact on your son's confidence than anything else.

You're confident that he will pass but you are preparing for failure in an exam that will not affect his life in any way.

Take it down a notch because it's just not that important.

From a social worker who can really live without dealing with more -

Parents of children that need mental health input but have no clue about how they can make positive changes.

Child suicides.

I think this is a bad idea.

I was one of the last born in my class and had siblings who were VERY smart. I took the 11 plus and didn’t do very well, but when I went to my high school I wasn’t in the top sets like I Originally thought I would be and I was devastated. But if I had been told ‘Oh you passed this and that’ and then wasn’t in set 1 that would have caused all sorts of problems. Instead, my parents reassured me that none of it mattered, that hard work was key and that I explored what I wanted in life. I came to realise that I was average and that was brilliant, I’m a very happy average person! I can explore the things I want, I don’t need to prove anything to anyone, just myself. They told me it didn’t matter what I did as long as I was happy. And that has stayed with me for life and I’m a very happy adult who manages to balance my work and home life much better than some of my old peers. I do well at a job I love and am well rounded.

You need to address his confidence and competitiveness. Don’t tell him he passed if he failed, you can’t go through life telling him that all is well if it isn’t. IF he fails, support him through it and show him that it doesn’t matter, THAT is key.

Please don’t lie to to him. Support him and teach him about life. Build his confidence so that it isn’t an issue. Lying wont help him in the long run.