To tell my son he scraped a pass when he didn’t?

[Afibtomyboy]

My son is due to take the 11 plus test in a month.

We paid for a private tutor last two years (as is the norm around here).
He has done a revision course And mocks.
He’s a bright boy and should pass.

However, he likely now won’t be going to grammar school as we will keep him at the private Prep school he currently goes to (that Goes up to year 8) and then on to another private school, which has its own admissions process rather than the 11 plus.

So... Pass or fail has no consequence whatsoever, and here’s the thing.... He has very very low self confidence. We are awaiting an adhd diagnosis (mild). He and his friends are competitive, actively encouraged by the school (a good thing IMO) and results will be discussed.

I am so worried about the impact on his self confidence if he does fail. I can’t tell you how much we have worked on building up his confidence over the last year, and it’s reaped so much. He’s so much happier, so much more settled. It is very positive but I strongly sense that an 11 plus fail will go deep, very deep and have a lingering negative impact.

Seeing as the impact of the result isn’t going to change our plan to keep him at current school (when we embarked on the 11 plus tutoring and process we didn’t think he would be staying but now we have sufficient funds to facilitate it, hence the change in plan. Still plan to take though, as head of current school says it will be very good preparation for the admissions process to the school we hope he will go to), AIBU to tell him that he did pass (but say that it was a scraped pass, but a pass nonetheless) if he does fail?

If he doesn’t need to take the 11+, I wouldn’t make him unless he wanted to.

If he does take it, I wouldn’t lie to him. I’d talk about it a lot before the results came out and I’d make him feel secure in himself. That’s helping him more than lying IMO.

I’d also make sure he was happy with your school choice. I did an entrance exam for a private school but the ultimate choice of schools was left with me after a discussion about the pros and cons of each of them.

In general, I’m really against parents lying to children. It stays with them and is damaging.

Tbh it sounds as if you're doing this for you, is it some sort of projection? What does be want.

Fwiw, there's no such thing as mild ADHD. You either have or you haven't. There's no shame in it.

I was about to say don't make him take it but then read @Bubblesgun 's excellent post and I also agree with that. - frame it as giving him the choice of doing the exam as a learning exercise.

And we never received letters with the results, only e-mails.

To those saying 'if you have to tutor, theyre not bright enough' - this isn't true. The pass mark depends on everyone else in your area only. You are marked against everyone in your area, not in the uk. So, if no one is your area is tutoring, happy days, if everyone is, you have to do the same if you want to pass. It's shit. And the amount of tuition and pressure just increases year on year as people strive to beat their neighbours. So, you might need 50% right in one area of the country to 'pass', and 95% in another.

Is it easier to get in to next stage at 13 than the grammar?

@arethereanyleftatall

To those saying 'if you have to tutor, theyre not bright enough' - this isn't true. The pass mark depends on everyone else in your area only. You are marked against everyone in your area, not in the uk. So, if no one is your area is tutoring, happy days, if everyone is, you have to do the same if you want to pass. It's shit. And the amount of tuition and pressure just increases year on year as people strive to beat their neighbours. So, you might need 50% right in one area of the country to 'pass', and 95% in another.

We're not in an 11+ area so I've no direct experience of the test, but I understood it was one you couldn't tutor for? Am I wrong?

@EvilPea

As someone whose daughter was utterly devastated by failing. I do think you should say he passed, id be tempted to fake the letter if need be.

Honestly, mine still hasn’t got over it and I thought she was fairly resilient. She worked so bloody hard, was in the gifted and talented, top 3 at school. But just didn’t pull it out the bag on the day.

Interesting

The majority Of Mumsnetters will be aghast... but I rather get a kick out of that But he’s very keen to take the exam So on the chance he fails - I will tell him he passed.

Thanks for all comments.... the supportive, the doubtful, and indeed the critical. All been good for thought.

All the best

If he is not going grammar there is no point in taking the test

No. Don't lie to him. Instead reiterate the unimportance of it. It seems to me that it might not be helping his self esteem to have so much pressure on him and so much emphasis placed upon passing tests and education at such a young age. Just because it is the norm to have private tutoring where you are does not mean that it is right for your son. Not does your lack of confidence in his ability to pass and your worrying about the outcome (ask yourself honestly, is this just about protecting him, or also about the competitive climate which you seem to have allowed yourself to get sucked into). He's a child. He should be having fun, not worrying about tests and exams. Find something that he enjoys doing and take the pressure off him.

@arethereanyleftatall

To those saying 'if you have to tutor, theyre not bright enough' - this isn't true. The pass mark depends on everyone else in your area only. You are marked against everyone in your area, not in the uk. So, if no one is your area is tutoring, happy days, if everyone is, you have to do the same if you want to pass. It's shit. And the amount of tuition and pressure just increases year on year as people strive to beat their neighbours. So, you might need 50% right in one area of the country to 'pass', and 95% in another.

But if tutoring wasn’t allowed (ie- all private tutors had a duty to inform grammar school if they have tutored particular children specifically for the test)

And of it was found out the child was removed from the school and the brightest low income DC were encouraged to take the tests then I’m sure the results would be very different!!

If the playing fields were more even, then money wouldn’t be able to ‘buy’ a place.

There’ll be lots of children currently in grammar schools, up and down the country, that gained a place purely on the back of private tuition/hit housing. Obviously not all, but absolutely some!!

They can’t make them tutor proof.
Some of the stuff is not taught at state school and the only time you come across it is in the 11+ or in the doctors entrance exam.
I’m in a heavily tutored area (it wasnt, but is now). When children receive an hour of tutoring a day for the year before, and tutoring starts in year 2, it’s hard for parents to keep up.
The bright gets should just pass and get in, but it doesn’t work like that in every area.

I kind of get where you are coming from, and that it comes from a place of concern but please don’t lie to him. My Mum was like this “white lies” and lying by omission here there and everywhere with the best of intentions but it got difficult to trust her and I think her attitude turned me into a slightly devious young adult. I had a real epiphany when I realised that it was much easier to be truthful and upfront about things, like a weight had been lifted. Please just talk to him openly about what is going on. After all, if you had not found the money for private school and the results of the exam really had mattered, but he had failed, you’d have had to have told him then, so you must have anticipated that possibility. If he knows the result doesn’t matter perhaps a failure will be easier to deal with anyway?

@Bubblesgun - nice one. Very good approach. Especially as exams are going to be a part of this child's future, whichever school he attends.

Don’t put him in for it.

There’s every chance that a teacher will tell him his real score as it will be on his school record.

Ludricrous behaviour, sorry. Set him up to fail, anticipate his failure, lie to him. It will not build him up, it will undermine him.

Don't make him sit it if there is no need. Focus on what he does need to achieve. Focus on the causes of his low self-esteem and tackle them.

Ignore the head of school.

The kids are not getting over it because the parents spent the past two years training them to pass and putting so much emphasis on passing. You built it up too much and put too much importance on it.

Now your going to lie to him to cover how you’ve made him feel.

Take a step back and stop micro managing him.

My kids go prep. They will not be having extra tuition. If they are not clever enough for grammar organically ( especially after private Ed) then they don’t get in.

Another aibu?
Overwhelming yes.

Op goes with one person who agrees with her warped thinking. 🙄

Poor kid.

I think some posters here might fail the comprehension part of the test!

The OP said this

when we embarked on the 11 plus tutoring and process we didn’t think he would be staying but now we have sufficient funds to facilitate it, hence the change in plan

So it's easy- he was going to go to a selective grammar and now as the OP has the cash, he can stay at his prep school and change schools for Year 9.

Also, the reason for taking the test is that it will be good practice for the school he hopes to go to.

@Afibtomyboy Will he need to take the Common Entrance exam for the next school? It's quite different to the 11+

I would be honest about his result whatever it is.

The reasons are - he may in years to come have access to the 11+ result - as an adult . It WILL be stored somewhere.

Think how he would feel if he knew you had lied.

The second reason is kids learn a lot by failing (if he does.)
Life is not a bed of roses.

If he does fail, it means he can try to work harder whereas if he passes, he may become over confident and sit back and not do much work. It can go either way believe me.

Or your other option of course is not to make him sit the test at all.

What's the point?

Take the money you are spending on a tutor and find him a self-esteem-building tutor instead.

He does not need to pass this arbitrary exam but he does need help figuring out for himself where his strengths lie.

I would just forget the test if you are absolutely certain he is staying at the school. I think you underestimate the possible effects on his confidence if he doesn’t make it (he will find out!).

Have you ever wondered why he might have low self esteem? I think you may need to look at how he has coped with pressure of learning you may have put him under

I once read somewhere the phrase 'parent the child you've got not the child you want.' It has helped me when making decisions which affect my children.

OP have you considered that IF he fails, and then goes on to take the Common Entrance exam on the false premise that he passed his 11+, you won't be able to lie again.

You won't be able to lie about his GCSEs and A levels, or not being able to go to his 1st choice of uni.

As someone who did pass the 11+, I think it would be completely wrong to lie to your child .

IF you are worried he will melt if he fails, then don't allow him to sit it.

My plan would be to worry about it IF it happens.