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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Comments in work

285 replies

Hellin301 · 14/09/2020 08:36

There is a man who works in my office, who started in July time. He’s mid 40’s.

We got talking for a bit last week. He made a completely random comment to me in the middle of the conversation that he would rate my looks a 5 out of 10. I was a bit hurt by his comment, but I couldn’t tell if this was just his sense of humour so I just laughed it off. Thought little else about it apart from I’d rather he didn’t comment on my looks in a work setting.

On Friday, one of the women I work with said she liked how I’d done my hair and makeup. From the back of the room he just started laughing; he was scoffing at her comment that I looked nice. This began to irritate me, given the previous comment so I just looked over and said “trust you to laugh at that.” The other man sitting next to him kind of chuckled along with him. I figured there was no point in saying that I was annoyed as it would likely just be put across that I can’t take a joke.

Later that same day we were asked if anyone could cover a Saturday overtime day. I stated I would ordinarily but I had made plans. Didn’t elaborate as to what they were. He then said to me at lunch, “are you spending your weekend getting some beauty treatments,” I told him no, that I hadn’t been back at a beauticians since before covid and he replied “well I didn’t want to say anything” & started laughing again! Basically implying I needed to go.

I had actually arranged to go on a date on Saturday, but ended up cancelling last minute because these comments had gotten to me. I don’t usually suffer from low self esteem but his comments have knocked my confidence. I can’t think of anything I’ve done on him to make him behave this way.

I’m now reluctant to be in the office with him again as I know he’ll say something else. I know if I say something to my boss he will tell me to lighten up

OP posts:

Shopgirl1 · 14/09/2020 08:38

He is an idiot, ignore him.

42daystogo · 14/09/2020 08:40

He sounds like a dick trying to undermine you. Nip it in the bud as hes only been there a short while, i would confront him when hes alone saying something like 'whats with all the nasty comments?' He'll probably not know what to do with someone pulling him up on it, end the conversation with 'well whatever the reasons for it i don't appreciate it'

Rossita · 14/09/2020 08:41

“ I figured there was no point in saying that I was annoyed as it would likely just be put across that I can’t take a joke. ”

As women we have been socially conditioned to react like this. He is insulting you but you are more worried that he will perceive you as being unable to take a joke. He is behaving unprofessionally, please don’t accept this, stand up for yourself and take further action if necessary.

This is in no way blaming you btw.

42daystogo · 14/09/2020 08:42

Oh and dont be surprised if he tries to make it out like you cant take a joke, thats why i would try and do it alone, he will take any opportunity to undermine you

ZaraW · 14/09/2020 08:46

I would just look at him and say something like "Maybe you should look in the mirror before you comment on other people. Your opinion is irrelevant". Don't let him get away with it.

thistimelastweek · 14/09/2020 08:46

@42daystogo. Totally agree other than the waiting till you're alone bit - if he's happy to make snide remarks in front of everyone, he should be challenged accordingly.
He's a twat and please don't let him mess with your head.

Sanitisethat · 14/09/2020 08:48

That is wildly inappropriate - it’s mad that he has got this far through his career with such totally unprofessional behaviour.

You don’t have to ‘take a joke’, OP. Your workplace isn’t a comedy club. It’s not your job to feel shit in order to save the person making you feel shit from being uncomfortable.

If you have an HR department, report his comments to them. If you don’t, tell your boss.

bluejelly · 14/09/2020 08:51

What an absolute knob. I think this could be considered bullying behaviour (targeted, personal and sexist) and would tell your boss and your union rep if you have one. Also I bet you look lovely, don't for a second doubt yourself.

DizzyPigeon · 14/09/2020 08:51

'I would rather have my ugly face than your ugly attitude'

Trisolaris · 14/09/2020 08:54

This is sexist bullying. You don’t have to ‘lighten up’, he needs to stop. If you get nowhere with your boss, speak to HR.

Veterinari · 14/09/2020 08:55

You need to challenge him directly.
He's rude and unprofessional and this is bullying and bordering on sexual harassment

Otherwise, do you have a line manager/he person you can talk to?

Please don't dwell on what he says or let him impact your personal life. He's clearly a dickhead

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 14/09/2020 08:59

Just get up, walk over and calmly ask Do we have a problem here? Why are you trying to bully me like a silly little boy showing off for the class? Arent you supposed to be a grown man? Your comments on my looks are completely inappropriate in the workplace. Once more and I'm putting in a complaint to HR. I wouldn't be putting up with this behaviour from a twelve year old and I'm certainly not having it from you.

Say it in front of everyone and make him feel about an inch tall.

Brot64 · 14/09/2020 09:00

"Rich coming from you", would be my standard response to him! That should shut him up. Cannot stand a bully!

Casschops · 14/09/2020 09:02

Stare at him and ask him if he finished as he is boring the shit out of you.

hardboiledeggs · 14/09/2020 09:03

That's awful. Certainly sounds like he's picking on you. Could be his way of showing he likes you? Very school boy. Next time he says something I'd say "I didn't ask you for an opinion or ask for you to get involved in my private conversion. Oh and your no oil painting yourself mate". Hope he eases up on you.

Ginorwine30 · 14/09/2020 09:05

He sounds horrible, like an overgrown class clown who go through school by making shitty comments about others.
It is highly inappropriate to be speaking like that to a colleague. Would you feel comfortable saying something straight back to him next time he comments? Like maybe a “hey how come you’re always so bitchy to me hahaha” or “ooh you’ve got a right nasty streak to you”.

Try not to let it get to you, he wants to make you feel insecure, I bet he gets off on making women feel bad about themselves.

honeylulu · 14/09/2020 09:07

"Well we can't all have your supermodel good looks dear" and snigger.

Turniptracker · 14/09/2020 09:07

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut has absolutely nailed it. Do NOT let this cretin get away with it. Utterly tragic. Your looks are completely irrelevant to your professional capacity and to comment on them is wildly unprofessional. Honestly it sounds like he is intimidated by you and is trying to make you feel like the lesser person using the only way he knows how to make women feel insecure, by commenting on their looks. I would speak to him, report him to hr and then laugh every single night that there are 40 year old men still using the same tactics they did at school to try and make themselves feel better than others.

Lindy2 · 14/09/2020 09:08

Next time he does it say loudly and firmly that you actually find his comments very rude and if he hasn't got anything pleasant to say please keep his opinion to himself.

It doesn't matter if anyone else hears. In fact that would be preferable.

He's rude and mean and if you keep brushing it off he'll carry on. Be brave and confident. He's the person at fault here who should feel uncomfortable, not you.

DianasLasso · 14/09/2020 09:08

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

Say it in front of everyone and make him feel about an inch tall.

This.

Do not comment on his appearance (as some PP have suggested) as it's pretty clear you will need to escalate this to HR as he is your standard issue, common or garden workplace bully, and you cannot give him any ammunition to try a defence of "but it was 2 way banter."

Chocoqueen · 14/09/2020 09:08

Report him to his teacher. I mean this sounds like school boy behaviour from him.

Seriously, report to HR.

IntermittentParps · 14/09/2020 09:09

Don't challenge him, don't make 'witty' comments back. It could be construed as you playing along and accepting his behaviour.

He's bullying you. Speak to HR. Have notes of the things he's said, dates, times and witnesses.
If you don't have an HR, do the same but with your boss. Make clear to your boss that 'lighten up' is not an appropriate or acceptable response.
And talk to ACAS.

StatementKnickers · 14/09/2020 09:10

He fancies you and is trying to "neg" you. Write down details of all comments made (what, when, where, who else heard) and go to your manager. Don't let them dismiss you.

StatementKnickers · 14/09/2020 09:13

Also, I fucking hate men like this. Why does he think you care how he rates your appearance? You are not in this world to decorate it for wankers like him.

elaine26 · 14/09/2020 09:14

Sounds like a twat, I would have insulted him right back, don't let him ruin your confidence. Even if hes good looking he has an ugly personality. Keep your head up he's a moron

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