Comments in work

[Hellin301]

There is a man who works in my office, who started in July time. He’s mid 40’s.

We got talking for a bit last week. He made a completely random comment to me in the middle of the conversation that he would rate my looks a 5 out of 10. I was a bit hurt by his comment, but I couldn’t tell if this was just his sense of humour so I just laughed it off. Thought little else about it apart from I’d rather he didn’t comment on my looks in a work setting.

On Friday, one of the women I work with said she liked how I’d done my hair and makeup. From the back of the room he just started laughing; he was scoffing at her comment that I looked nice. This began to irritate me, given the previous comment so I just looked over and said “trust you to laugh at that.” The other man sitting next to him kind of chuckled along with him. I figured there was no point in saying that I was annoyed as it would likely just be put across that I can’t take a joke.

Later that same day we were asked if anyone could cover a Saturday overtime day. I stated I would ordinarily but I had made plans. Didn’t elaborate as to what they were. He then said to me at lunch, “are you spending your weekend getting some beauty treatments,” I told him no, that I hadn’t been back at a beauticians since before covid and he replied “well I didn’t want to say anything” & started laughing again! Basically implying I needed to go.

I had actually arranged to go on a date on Saturday, but ended up cancelling last minute because these comments had gotten to me. I don’t usually suffer from low self esteem but his comments have knocked my confidence. I can’t think of anything I’ve done on him to make him behave this way.

I’m now reluctant to be in the office with him again as I know he’ll say something else. I know if I say something to my boss he will tell me to lighten up

Do you think he is negging you? Seems a bit much to be doing this to a woman he hardly knows otherwise.

Definitely keep a note of every time it happens and definitely report to HR asap. Surely he's still on 3 months probation...?

He sounds very unpleasant and you would be perfectly within your rights to tell him you do not appreciate personal remarks. I don't think much of the other guy laughing but he may have been embarrassed. A bit of plain speaking would not go amiss here. Tell him 'familiarity breeds contempt'.

I'm sitting here being annoyed on your behalf.

Go out and enjoy yourself! Don't let an ill bred, ill mannered prat put you off.

Good luck.

I would agree with most people here - this would be a disciplinary offence in my workplace; and at the very, very least any man who spoke in this way to anyone in my team like this would be getting a stern verbal warning about his likely length of service being rather short. And that is if I was feeling charitable. And the same would go for any member of the team who thought his comments were funny - they would be being reminded about appropriate behaviour in the workplace and harassment policies would be on their desks.

This is not funny, and I am fed up of people who, in 2020, haven't yet worked that out. It wasn't a good excuse in 1980, but at least there was some rationale for men acting like neanderthals because they had got away with it for so long, and many people (and employers) hadn't got used to the idea it was inappropriate. In 2020, there is no excuse.

I would also agree with the people telling you that giving as good as you get isn’t the best answer here
When/if you go to HR and report his comments it won’t help if he can also list things you’ve said to him.
Be icy cold and don’t rise to anything he says

Report to your manager or HR. Do not call him names back and sink to his lever. If you feel the need to say something (which i wpuld) I would ask him why he feels the need to comment on your appearance? Let him know how childish and inappropriate it is.

"If you spent less time looking at me, and more time working, maybw you'd get more done".

I think its what @WinterAndRoughWeather has said, he's come into a new office and is trying to take an immediately powerful position in the office dynamic by putting you down and encouraging the other guy to join in.

What @nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut said

Definitely don't respond with any comment re... That's rich coming from a ugly man type comments....

He will use this as his 'defence" as it was just' bantz'...

Make sure you don't do anything that can be construed as this.

I would calmy say... Please stop with personal comments, it's unprofessional and unwarranted....

As nauseum.

Speak to HR... Document it...

He must be very sure of his security within the company to behave so badly.

Good luck!

Report him. Act fast. It’s bullying.

Report him in the strongest terms. Wanker.

Please go to HR, he sounds awful.

I agree with others who say don't retort in a manner that could be interpreted as banter. Simple cold statement that you consider this to be inappropriate behaviour is enough.

Try not to let yourself be driven by female socialisation to be terrified of men saying you are a cold faced stuck up frigid bitch who can't take a joke. If anything, play up to it.

Often people, especially bantz men, think the win comes from the other person visibly admitting defeat, which means they won't back down. Don't look for a "win" of him openly backing down and apologising. Your win is him stopping doing it. That win will likely come with him being a whiny bitch to his mates about what a stuck up cow you are and it is all PC gone mad and you probably fancy him and blah blah blah. So long as you don't have to hear it that's still your win.

Keep in mind his whining will look shit to other men. Also keep in mind the workplace "lurkers" who saw it, heard it, felt weird but did nothing and others who are proto-bantz-men who joined in. Your cold shutting down of it solidifies the workplace around the idea of no this is not OK, he looks a tit, you look strong, no other fucker tries it on in that office with you or anyone else.

I agree with the pp who said report him. You absolutely need to do this as he is bullying you.

The longer you let him get away with this the worse it will get.

I'm so shocked and sorry you're having to deal with this horrible person. Rest assured that it is NOT something you need to put up with!

Another one for @nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut advice!

Report him ASAP to HR, before his probation period ends. (Assuming there’s is one)

He fancies you and knows you are out of his league...classic move by losers to put you down. He would not be interested in your 'looks' or 'social life' if he didn't have issues of deep rooted low self esteem. Probably been rejected time and again by woman kind if that is his chat up routine. Not really one for fighting fire with fire...but on this occasion, if he asks if you are going for beauty therapy, reply that you would take him along...but he would bankrupt the owner. If you stand up for yourself, he will find another victim. If he continues, report him as it is unprofessional sexist behaviour to rate people out of 10 in the office. Unfortunately offices attract this type of person....why do you think Ricky Gervais did so well out of his TV show?

I’m gobsmacked that a man in his mid 40s would think this is okay.

There are days when I wish a few women from mumsnet could march over to certain problem people in real life and give them a stern talking to . This is one of those days.

Lots of excellent suggestions here.

I'd suggest rehearsing a little speech based on what's been put forward here, ready to reel off when he starts again.

I wouldn't try to make a joke of it though. You need to be deadly serious or he can still pretend it's banter and you're not getting joke.

Must admit, being of late middle age and not too worried about what others think of me, I'd be strolling over to his desk, placing both hands on it, leaning in close to his face and saying 'Stop it. Now. Or I will take it further.' There'd also be a blast of garlic/curry breath for his further enjoyment.

Comments like this would get you fired where I work. Take it straight to your manager and HR and (i) ask them to speak to hm and (ii) say you cannot be expected to work with him given this attitude. Note you have witnesses so they can't decide to do nothing.

He won't pass probation.

You don’t have to ‘take a joke’, OP. Your workplace isn’t a comedy club. It’s not your job to feel shit in order to save the person making you feel shit from being uncomfortable.

1000% This.

Bullies are pathetic cowards who are unable to actively advance themselves and climb the ladder of life through their own merits and abilities, so instead they do all they can to try to push people down below their own (already low) level.

I agree with all the PPs advising not to rise to his idiotic statements by turning it back on his looks as that will compromise your position and might validate his actions and/or make him try even harder to find new lows.

If you do deign to respond to him, maybe just ask him in a monotone if he understands what workplace bullying is - how it constitutes gross misconduct and this can result in dismissal. If he reacts with anything other than contrition, tell him you're very happy to organise a meeting with HR/the boss so you can all discuss the matter and make sure that everybody knows where they stand.

Does negging ever actually work, or does it follow the same principle as incels - where your behaviour and personality are repulsive to women, so you think that making yourself more repulsive will help you to resolve your problems? Is it basically a method of deliberately trying to identify the most vulnerable people and break them so as to make them become your victim in a horribly abusive relationship?

Call him out on it when he does it. Every time.
'Why do you always make jokes about the way I look? Does it make you feel better about yourself'?

@SideAfries

You need to act professionally & make him look like a dick (which he is.) agree with PP ‘That is not appropriate Bill.’

It makes you look like a mature woman who couldn’t give a shit what his actually saying, but his just being annoying & immature so you’re setting him straight.

Any shit comments about taking a joke

‘I have a sense of humour when someone is actually funny Bill.’

I think this is really good advice from @SideAfries

You definitely shouldn't respond in kind, as that could come across as both of you engaging in banter

In the first instance, I would speak with him privately, to avoid humiliating him. Yes, he deserves to be humiliated. But, you will probably have to continue to work with him afterwards. Play the long game

Tell him that personal comments about your appearance are not appropriate, unwelcome and if he persists, you'll be taking it further with HR

A long time ago, a member of my team was very disrespectful to me. With hindsight, I realise I let it go on for far too long. When I finally plucked up the courage to say something, it resolved the problem immediately, and I really wish that I had spoken up sooner

It's not easy to speak up, but remember you are definitely in the right, be polite, firm and professional. Don't get emotional. This is one situation where I DON'T think you should say things like "I don't like it when you say X, because it makes me feel Y". You need to be firmer e.g. "it's not appropriate to make personal comments about my appearance, we're here to do a job"

Commiserations, OP. You've drawn the short straw, being stuck in an office with a wanker like this.

PPs have already given great advice, most importantly that whatever strategy you use to deal with this, don't let him get away with it.

Another tactic is to repeat what he's said back to him. 'So what you're saying is you think I need a beauty treatment, Derek'. (Pregnant pause). 'Why would you say that?'

Make him own his shit. He'll be the one who looks small. No doubt the response will be that he was only joking - bullies always say that - and then you can respond that he's being unprofessional and inappropriate. And do this every. Single. Time.

Chances are he will soon get tired of it. And if he doesn't: HR.

“Im only going to engage with on work related topics.”

You have to tell your boss and HR. Not as in “my feelings are hurt” but “there is something really wrong with this guy and he’s going to land this company in a harassment suit.“.

He could really cause major issues and he is likely doing this to others as well as you.

I’d also be inclined to ask him next time if he has a medical diagnosis that indicates people have to tolerate his anti-social behavior in the workplace. “No? Ok, then stop speaking to me if it isn’t work related because your behavior is ugly and childish and has no place in adult conversation.”

This man is horrible. He probably has a problem with you because it’s blatantly obvious you’re better than him in every way and he’s embarrassed. Don’t let his absolute nonsense seriously, don’t let his insults in and decide you look good and his opinion is as useful as a ceramic skateboard.

Good luck you capable, popular, independent, and funny babe.

Go to HR if this man continues with his middle school nonsense.