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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Comments in work

285 replies

Hellin301 · 14/09/2020 08:36

There is a man who works in my office, who started in July time. He’s mid 40’s.

We got talking for a bit last week. He made a completely random comment to me in the middle of the conversation that he would rate my looks a 5 out of 10. I was a bit hurt by his comment, but I couldn’t tell if this was just his sense of humour so I just laughed it off. Thought little else about it apart from I’d rather he didn’t comment on my looks in a work setting.

On Friday, one of the women I work with said she liked how I’d done my hair and makeup. From the back of the room he just started laughing; he was scoffing at her comment that I looked nice. This began to irritate me, given the previous comment so I just looked over and said “trust you to laugh at that.” The other man sitting next to him kind of chuckled along with him. I figured there was no point in saying that I was annoyed as it would likely just be put across that I can’t take a joke.

Later that same day we were asked if anyone could cover a Saturday overtime day. I stated I would ordinarily but I had made plans. Didn’t elaborate as to what they were. He then said to me at lunch, “are you spending your weekend getting some beauty treatments,” I told him no, that I hadn’t been back at a beauticians since before covid and he replied “well I didn’t want to say anything” & started laughing again! Basically implying I needed to go.

I had actually arranged to go on a date on Saturday, but ended up cancelling last minute because these comments had gotten to me. I don’t usually suffer from low self esteem but his comments have knocked my confidence. I can’t think of anything I’ve done on him to make him behave this way.

I’m now reluctant to be in the office with him again as I know he’ll say something else. I know if I say something to my boss he will tell me to lighten up

OP posts:
wherestheweightlosspill · 17/09/2020 12:23

I've seen something on Facebook which I thought was great, it was actually about sexual harassment type 'jokes' and the suggestion was that every time they make a 'joke' you very publicly say 'I don't get it' and force them to explain why their comment is 'funny'.
He's an arse and you need to expose him as such by asking him to own his comments.

Yorkshiretolondon · 20/09/2020 21:37

.. what an arse! Next time he says something point out something in him ... make him feel hurt and paranoid

Usernameismyname01 · 21/09/2020 13:16

fuck off dickhead - these would be the only words i would towards him

Requinblanc · 21/09/2020 13:30

This is such unprofessional conduct. Simply report him to HR and your manager for making inappropriate comments. You should not have to put up with this in the workplace.

It is quite unbelievable that someone who would be so stupid as to do this in this day and age...

darthbreakz · 23/09/2020 12:10

First of all he sounds like he thinks he's a PUA. Does he make these comments to anyoine else? I suspect he fancies you and thinks that isf he makes you feel all insecure then he'll stand a chance because you'll be so desperate for his validation.

Regardless of this and of your actual looks and anything else, it's just not acceptable for people to "rate" the attractiveness of employees. If your boss doesn't take it seriously, then take it further. This is highly misogynistic and should in no way be tolerated.

I'd give your boss the chance to do the right thing and make it clear that you won't put up with it if they don't.

darthbreakz · 23/09/2020 12:13

...or...

(loudly and publically):

"you seem to be trying to undermine my confidence by commenting on my looks. I wonder why you think that's appropriate in a workplace setting or indeed in any setting?! Is this how you handle relationships with women? because frankly, it's abusive."

Also, rearrange that date and go on it.

GabriellaMontez · 23/09/2020 12:15

I would try not to laugh at his comments at all.

I'd be tempted to respond with. "I'm not sure what you mean, is that a joke, are you making a joke about the way I look, I dont find it funny"

Really drill down.

And I would also raise this with a boss / team leader if you have one. Even if you dont think they'll take it seriously. They should. Make it clear you expect them to.

Btw he's a prick. Probably one of those wankers who cant relate to women and still has a 7 year old mentality. Probably his way of trying to ask you out.

HannaYeah · 23/09/2020 21:58

Next time he does this and every time after, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” then just laugh.

He’ll stop!

Carolbetty · 26/09/2020 10:00

Bullying sexist and inappropriate comments. Tell him so and if he does it again tell your manager and/or HR.

user1490954378 · 02/10/2020 13:52

Tell him he usn't exactly Tom Hardy but you wouldn't behave like he does in the workplace - inappropriate and unprofessional. If he tries to respond, just talk over him, and say 'Shhhh' Then add in a sarcastic soft voice ' we don't want you making an arse of yourself do we' and smile sweetly.

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