Comments in work

[Hellin301]

There is a man who works in my office, who started in July time. He’s mid 40’s.

We got talking for a bit last week. He made a completely random comment to me in the middle of the conversation that he would rate my looks a 5 out of 10. I was a bit hurt by his comment, but I couldn’t tell if this was just his sense of humour so I just laughed it off. Thought little else about it apart from I’d rather he didn’t comment on my looks in a work setting.

On Friday, one of the women I work with said she liked how I’d done my hair and makeup. From the back of the room he just started laughing; he was scoffing at her comment that I looked nice. This began to irritate me, given the previous comment so I just looked over and said “trust you to laugh at that.” The other man sitting next to him kind of chuckled along with him. I figured there was no point in saying that I was annoyed as it would likely just be put across that I can’t take a joke.

Later that same day we were asked if anyone could cover a Saturday overtime day. I stated I would ordinarily but I had made plans. Didn’t elaborate as to what they were. He then said to me at lunch, “are you spending your weekend getting some beauty treatments,” I told him no, that I hadn’t been back at a beauticians since before covid and he replied “well I didn’t want to say anything” & started laughing again! Basically implying I needed to go.

I had actually arranged to go on a date on Saturday, but ended up cancelling last minute because these comments had gotten to me. I don’t usually suffer from low self esteem but his comments have knocked my confidence. I can’t think of anything I’ve done on him to make him behave this way.

I’m now reluctant to be in the office with him again as I know he’ll say something else. I know if I say something to my boss he will tell me to lighten up

Tell him straight OP- tell him you'll report him if he doesn't stop his immature bullying.
I like nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut's comment- perfect

What a cock - yep def ask him if he has got a mirror in his house.

@Ceilingfan

If you retaliate, it will not work in your favour, report him and deal with it professionally.

This

Please do not try to respond with a smart comment. Please do not try to confront him assertively on your own.

Speak to your line manager. He is making sexist and derogatory comments to you. This is harassment and bullying. They are impacting on your health and well-being. Ask what the line manager is going to do. Be clear that at moment you don’t feel safe at work and you are scared of retaliation from hi and his chuckling friend.

If the line manager rightly agrees to investigate then you can ask that you are shielded during this period. That should not be to your detriment. He moves not you. Unless that suits you.

What a fucking prick. What does he look like OP? I bet he's no oil painting. He's a sad little bully trying to make you feel small because he has no self-esteem.

Next time he says something just say "seems like you're overcompensating for something mate" because he probably is

Having worked in a male orientated industry for years.

You need to tell him it’s not ok literally spell it out.

Currently your bordering on banter, which will encourage him further and maybe drag the other colleague in.
So the quips back he could take as you saying “it’s ok”.
I mean it’s clearly not, and the guy is clearly a dick.
So spell it out

I would call him out next time he's chuckling 'That's several times you've made reference to my appearance now. Whats the joke I'm missing? That I'm not attractive in your opinion?' Then wait for him to respond and you'll be able to tell if he's mortified to have upset you, or is just a clown.

He sounds like a fucking prick. I agree with others, make a note of the time, what he has said and witnesses and report. It is hard to know how to respond in the situation, next time if you feel able make it clear that you don't find it funny and he needs to stop.

What an absolute arsehole. And a vile misogynist bullying arsehole, at that. He's trying to humiliate you in front of others.

Sometimes, these people can be humiliated into shutting up by wisecrack ripostes that make them look stupid, but all my instincts are telling me that this isn't one of those.

I'd give him one chance to stop, and tell him, in front of others, that his comments are unwelcome, you want them to stop, and if he persists in making nasty comments about your appearance or anything else about you it will be clear that this is bullying, not "banter" and that you will be raising it with your manager/HR/or whatever is the process where you work.

I think you need to include the bit in italics because it makes clear that he can't just switch from making snidey comments about your looks to being snide about something else about you.

And keep a record, every time. Times, dates, who else was present.

You need to act professionally & make him look like a dick (which he is.) agree with PP ‘That is not appropriate Bill.’

It makes you look like a mature woman who couldn’t give a shit what his actually saying, but his just being annoying & immature so you’re setting him straight.

Any shit comments about taking a joke

‘I have a sense of humour when someone is actually funny Bill.’

This is actually harassment and bullying! And you need to inform somebody at work before you end up feeling even worse. Your company has a responsibility to address this, otherwise there will be actions. Don't laugh along as that minimises their behaviour. Keep a record of everything that they say. If you feel brace enough email his direct and say that you don't find these constant jokes about appearance helpful nor relevant to the workplace. If you have an HR department, go to them.

@hardboiledeggs

That's awful. Certainly sounds like he's picking on you. Could be his way of showing he likes you? Very school boy. Next time he says something I'd say "I didn't ask you for an opinion or ask for you to get involved in my private conversion. Oh and your no oil painting yourself mate". Hope he eases up on you.

I was thinking this too. Its very passive aggressive to act like this. Try to make a stand and have a reposte ready for him next time.

Good luck and dont be bullied by him

'It was a joke' = the Bully's Defence.

Oh no I bet he is trying to "neg" you. I'd go over and tell him to stop. If he doesn't then report him. Honestly, some people ...

Oh god please do not start responding with any 'witty' comments about his looks. You will lower yourself to his level and lose any leverage, he will just claim it was banter and you were happy to reciprocate.

If you make even one remark about his appearance, you lose all credibility when you make a complaint.

@Jayaywhynot

I'd definitely pull him up on it, dont lose your cool, be polite but firm and pull him up in front of people. " Your comments on my looks are inappropriate and unprofessional in the workplace, I dont appreciate them and you need to stop" Prepare yourself for some heckling or a smart arse comment from him. Then reply " Iv asked you politely to stop, if you continue then I will raise the issue further" Then grey rock him. Be prepared to take it further, you dint have to put up with this

This. No banter and comments about his looks.

Negging

It's bullying.
Make a record of times/dates & anything said moving forward.
Don't banter with him as previously mentioned but you can say it is inappropriate in the workplace.

It's not necessarily because he fancies you.
We have a man at work who has just gone through a disciplinary for bullying & harassment against female colleagues & he's gay.
His comments & attitude where very similar to what you describe. A complete narcissist.
The disciplinary was upheld for bullying too.

Are you someone he potentially sees as a rival for promotions and the like?

There's a disgusting trend these days of men who try to deploy "strategies" when starting new jobs of taking down the competition. There's all sorts of crap online about it, along the same psychopathic lines as incel culture, anti-feminism and so on.

Is he trying to psych you out?

God knows why these men can't just, you know, be good at their jobs. It's the same as all this negging and incel crap - they need to stop dicking around and behave like functioning human beings.

With people like this I tend to act dumb and pretend I don’t know what they are talking about, soon shuts them up
So “ I would rate your looks as a 5”
What do you mean? Are you actually rating my looks? Based on what?
“Have you has beauty treatments “
Why are you asking that? Are you suggesting I need beauty treatments? Which ones specifically and why?
Why did you laugh when x said they liked my hair? What was funny about what she said?

I also find “ are you actually saying XYZ to me?” leads to back tracking as well
I would note every comment and time though, quite obviously in a note book

From what you've said I imagine you are really pretty, he fancies you and is going out of his way to protest that he doesn't. Childish, bullying prick. I'd report him!

Don't make a smart comment back as then you are implying you think it's just banter. It doesn't matter whether he's saying you're a 10/10 or a 1/10, it's completely inappropriate behaviour.

I would suggest saying to him that his behaviour is inappropriate and that he should stop. If you are going to HR, it will strengthen your case if you have told him to stop politely but firmly.

The other thing I would say is to keep a record of each instance in case you do need to go to HR. In fact, I would make it very obvious that I was keeping a record.

RAise a grievance

He fancies you. He had likely swallowed "the red pill" and is clumsily practicing the shady art of "negging" on you. The fact that he rated you "out of 10" makes is clear.