Comments in work

[Hellin301]

There is a man who works in my office, who started in July time. He’s mid 40’s.

We got talking for a bit last week. He made a completely random comment to me in the middle of the conversation that he would rate my looks a 5 out of 10. I was a bit hurt by his comment, but I couldn’t tell if this was just his sense of humour so I just laughed it off. Thought little else about it apart from I’d rather he didn’t comment on my looks in a work setting.

On Friday, one of the women I work with said she liked how I’d done my hair and makeup. From the back of the room he just started laughing; he was scoffing at her comment that I looked nice. This began to irritate me, given the previous comment so I just looked over and said “trust you to laugh at that.” The other man sitting next to him kind of chuckled along with him. I figured there was no point in saying that I was annoyed as it would likely just be put across that I can’t take a joke.

Later that same day we were asked if anyone could cover a Saturday overtime day. I stated I would ordinarily but I had made plans. Didn’t elaborate as to what they were. He then said to me at lunch, “are you spending your weekend getting some beauty treatments,” I told him no, that I hadn’t been back at a beauticians since before covid and he replied “well I didn’t want to say anything” & started laughing again! Basically implying I needed to go.

I had actually arranged to go on a date on Saturday, but ended up cancelling last minute because these comments had gotten to me. I don’t usually suffer from low self esteem but his comments have knocked my confidence. I can’t think of anything I’ve done on him to make him behave this way.

I’m now reluctant to be in the office with him again as I know he’ll say something else. I know if I say something to my boss he will tell me to lighten up

"That is inappropriate Bob." Said loudly and firmly. Possibly with no eye contact - keep looking at your friend you were talking to before he interjected.

So what if he says you cannot take a joke? You repeat "Inappropriate" firmly with a little shake of your head and then refuse to engage, continuing as you were with your original conversation. Maybe give a little eye roll to the other person.

Be more boss.

I'd definitely pull him up on it, dont lose your cool, be polite but firm and pull him up in front of people.
" Your comments on my looks are inappropriate and unprofessional in the workplace, I dont appreciate them and you need to stop"
Prepare yourself for some heckling or a smart arse comment from him. Then reply
" Iv asked you politely to stop, if you continue then I will raise the issue further"
Then grey rock him.
Be prepared to take it further, you dint have to put up with this

I would ask him to repeat it while you get your notebook and write it down. If he wonders what you're doing just say you've been keeping a note of all the inappropriate things he's been saying to you so you can take it further.

I think you'll find he will scuttle off if confronted, they usually do.

"Don't make remarks about my looks, it's weird and inappropriate." (in a slightly disgusted tone of voice.

And then if he persists, HR. As others have said, you don't want to give the impression of two way "banter" - it is straight up bullying, who gives a fuck if he has a "reason" e.g. fancying you, bullied at school himself... etc. It is not acceptable in the workplace, end of.

He’s pulling your pigtails. It’s not appropriate in primary school and it’s certainly not appropriate in the workplace.

Report him.

He's negging you. It's a well-known male tactic.

Arsehole behaviour in any context, but especially inappropriate in the workplace.

Report it as harassment.

He said it in public. He needs pulling up in public. But fully agree you don't want it to come across as banter so just tell him it's inappropriate. And make sure others hear you saying it

Bullies always tell you you can't take a joke.

I heard someone once say that if someone makes comments like that to ask them to repeat it, totally act like you didn't hear and then if they say it again, say, sorry, I think I misheard, what did you say. It becomes less funny each time and they end up looking embarrassed.

Or you can rely with someone like, "that's rich coming from you, have you taken a look I'm the mirror".

Although, given he seems to have roped others in now I would probably report it, it's really horrible. He clearly knows what he is doing and trying to upset you. Horrible.

Nice and clearly, so that everyone listening can hear both your reply and his. "Bob, you've now made several comments about me being unattractive, to me and to my colleagues. it's hurtful and unprofessional, I will take this further with management if you continue."

I wouldnt get into any dialogue with him personally, I'd report him straight to HR. It will only show him youre bothered if you comment with him.
Hes not worth the head space. Plenty of people like you for who you are. Someone one wants to go on a date with so clearly thinks you're great. Get back on the phone and re arrange that date. Good luck.

Id write down both incidents with times and any witnesses and what you would like to happen and take it to your line manager.

You do not go to work to put up with this sort of behaviour or to be someone elses funbag/punchbag, nip it in the bud now.

He really does sound like a silly little boy though. I really wonder whether he has a bit of a crush and never moved on from the little boy thing of telling you you’re ugly while quite liking you...
Regardless though completely unacceptable and needs addressed but I would agree to keep it as professional a you can

If you retaliate, it will not work in your favour, report him and deal with it professionally.

Send an email to your boss so it's in writing.

I'd frame it as asking his advise on how to deal with the situation- basically say, "I've a few concerns about X I wanted to raise with you. As you know, he only started in July, and we have only been working together in x y z projects.

Last week, he said a. Then he said b. Then he said c.

We are not friends, and I don't believe he was trying to be funny. I find it really inappropriate and unprofessional, and am unsure if he has a problem with me or where any of this came from. What would you advise me to do now? I feel like if I ask him directly what his issue is it may make things worse."

That way, even if your boss is inclined to laugh it off, you have a record. But if you get your tone right, it highlights to your boss that this man is the socially awkward weirdo, and you are the professional who knows how to work alongside colleagues.

Sometimes people make jokes that land funny, and I appreciate you don't want your boss to think this is you being overly sensitive but that 100% is not what is going on here. The guy is a total weirdo and you need to document and stamp this out ASAP.

His comments are completely inappropriate - especially as he is mid 40s and so is not new in the workplace. I agree that he will probably stop if you confront him publicly - quoting back his words to him so everyone hears them. For instance, 'trust you to say that - you told me I was 5/10 for appearance'. I agree you should keep a note of what he says so you have everything ready to take to HR if needed. It might also be worth asking your colleagues if he has said anything similar to them. I'd happily bet a fiver, he had form in his previous job too.

It was so sad that you cancelled your date as you felt too upset. It's easy to write 'try not let yourself be affected' but much harder to do.

He’s a nasty bully. You need to fight fire with fire. Don’t go running to your boss, just the next time he says something snigger back and say something like “says the man who looks like he doesn’t know what grooming is” . Just keep returning it. He will soon stop.

Oh and PS rearrange the date, dont let some childish idiot ruin your fun.

Definitely keep a log of times and dates and everything said. Make a note of any witnesses and ask them if they heard what was said.

Someone I work with has just been through something similar where they were being bullied and keeping a log is very important. I would tell him firmly next time he says something Is didn’t appreciate that, please can you stop making comments about my appearance’. Do not make jokes, do not laugh it off, do not retaliate. Stay silent when he makes such comments and go to HR.

@Bluntness100

He’s a nasty bully. You need to fight fire with fire. Don’t go running to your boss, just the next time he says something snigger back and say something like “says the man who looks like he doesn’t know what grooming is” . Just keep returning it. He will soon stop.

Please don’t do this, it will negate what happens with HR if things get out of control. If you are seen to be behaving the same way it can go very badly for you. As I say, I have just seen someone else go through a bullying thing and my god does shit get twisted! Always stay calm and don’t engage, it will come back to bite you.

He sounds like Alan Partridge - dickhead!

Do what Susan did to Alan - bored sigh and say "Alan...why don't you go and talk to someone else?"

If he says anything else like this then say very calmly, please don't speak to me like that because it's offensive and inappropriate. If he continues to do it then keep repeating it and make notes of every single occasion and who was there etc. Don't make jokes or rude replies because that will mean you are buying into it at some level

What a horrid, sad little man. I can't stand it when men do this and try and make themselves look big by putting others down. Definitely don't retaliate. Ignore him whenever he says things like that and report him to HR. What do your colleagues say when he does this? I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue if someone spoke to a workmate like that!

@Bluntness100

He’s a nasty bully. You need to fight fire with fire. Don’t go running to your boss, just the next time he says something snigger back and say something like “says the man who looks like he doesn’t know what grooming is” . Just keep returning it. He will soon stop.

Do NOT do this under any circumstances.

I would do as others have suggested. Tell him loudly, clearly, and publicly that his behaviour isn't funny and isn't appropriate.

If he says something else or continues, please report it to HR. We've been far too conditioned to put up with this shit.

If it was just a joke, how come he hasn't been doing it to his male colleagues?

He made a completely random comment to me in the middle of the conversation that he would rate my looks a 5 out of 10

I didn't need to read any more to know YANBU and he is a dick.

Agree with pp: use official mechanisms (HR) to fight this, not witty/rude retorts. It's bullying and it's wrong.

Oh, and rearrange your date. Don't let some office twat who has nothing better to do with his time than pick on people, be the thing that holds you back.