Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Comments in work

285 replies

Hellin301 · 14/09/2020 08:36

There is a man who works in my office, who started in July time. He’s mid 40’s.

We got talking for a bit last week. He made a completely random comment to me in the middle of the conversation that he would rate my looks a 5 out of 10. I was a bit hurt by his comment, but I couldn’t tell if this was just his sense of humour so I just laughed it off. Thought little else about it apart from I’d rather he didn’t comment on my looks in a work setting.

On Friday, one of the women I work with said she liked how I’d done my hair and makeup. From the back of the room he just started laughing; he was scoffing at her comment that I looked nice. This began to irritate me, given the previous comment so I just looked over and said “trust you to laugh at that.” The other man sitting next to him kind of chuckled along with him. I figured there was no point in saying that I was annoyed as it would likely just be put across that I can’t take a joke.

Later that same day we were asked if anyone could cover a Saturday overtime day. I stated I would ordinarily but I had made plans. Didn’t elaborate as to what they were. He then said to me at lunch, “are you spending your weekend getting some beauty treatments,” I told him no, that I hadn’t been back at a beauticians since before covid and he replied “well I didn’t want to say anything” & started laughing again! Basically implying I needed to go.

I had actually arranged to go on a date on Saturday, but ended up cancelling last minute because these comments had gotten to me. I don’t usually suffer from low self esteem but his comments have knocked my confidence. I can’t think of anything I’ve done on him to make him behave this way.

I’m now reluctant to be in the office with him again as I know he’ll say something else. I know if I say something to my boss he will tell me to lighten up

OP posts:
GinevraPotter · 16/09/2020 10:28

So sick of this 'Men are mean because they like you, so take it as a compliment' bullshit. No wonder men think they can get away with it and are surprised when they get called out. Women who think like this really need to raise their standards and get some self respect.

Tessabelle1 · 16/09/2020 10:40

Go straight to HR, this is sexual harassment. Commenting on looks to a colleague is not on, do not accept it.

thea543 · 16/09/2020 10:41

Well said. Nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut. He is nothing but a bully. dont rise to the bait. I think your response is brilliant

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 16/09/2020 10:43

I would make a formal written complaint to HR or, if there is no HR function, to your boss.

What I'm also interested in is what the heck your colleagues are doing whilst this is being said in front of them. There is no way I would stay quiet if he said that to you in my presence.

StormTreader · 16/09/2020 10:50

@GinevraPotter

So sick of this 'Men are mean because they like you, so take it as a compliment' bullshit. No wonder men think they can get away with it and are surprised when they get called out. Women who think like this really need to raise their standards and get some self respect.
Me too. I've somehow managed to get to 40 without trying to utterly emotionally cripple every man I've found even slightly attractive, and I suspect every other person here has as well.
browneyes77 · 16/09/2020 11:38

@GinevraPotter

So sick of this 'Men are mean because they like you, so take it as a compliment' bullshit. No wonder men think they can get away with it and are surprised when they get called out. Women who think like this really need to raise their standards and get some self respect.
Men don’t do this.

BOYS do.

May have been cute when we were 14, but I wouldn’t expect a mature man to behave like this. It screams lack of emotional intelligence and childishness to me. Completely off putting.

VodselForDinner · 16/09/2020 12:47

@PoppyJesse2021

My lovely if I'm honest ... it sounds like he may have a thing for you . Men when they like someone but do not actually want to show it wil I'll insult you . I've received this first hand with a guy in the office used to ignore me . Pretend I didn't exist , speak badly about me ... we dated for 6 months and then I found my current BF . He still won't leave me alone but in a more respectful way . It's almost a fudged up jealousy thing as he doesn't want you to know he likes you as he probably is insecure . Every time he insults you... think the opposite ♥️
Oh FFS. Reading this, I can’t decide if I feel sorry for you that you think dating someone who treated you like this is the right thing to do, or angry at you for encouraging others to do the same.

My husband likes me very much, he’s never once insulted me. I’ve never had a boyfriend or a male friend who did this. I think Timmy Rooney tried it when we were both 8 and I took my skipping rope to the other side of the schoolyard and ignored him.

Why do you allow men treat you like this? I genuinely can’t fathom it.

justilou1 · 16/09/2020 13:38

Exactly - I can see this woman who is dating the jerk who was “negging” her because he “liked her so much” back on mumsnet in a few years time wondering why her partner is always saying such mean things to her and insulting her all the time, when all she does is tie herself in knots trying to make him happy - and guess what? He never is!

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 16/09/2020 13:41

Wow - I can't imagine this level of personal comments in a work environment - wholly inappropriate.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/09/2020 13:57

"Men don’t do this.

BOYS do.

May have been cute when we were 14, but I wouldn’t expect a mature man to behave like this. It screams lack of emotional intelligence and childishness to me. Completely off putting."

Unfortunately the evidence of this thread alone proves that some people still encourage the notion that 'being mean' is how a man shows he fancies you, @browneyes77.

And, to be honest, I don't think it is cute even in a child or teenager.

KatharinaRosalie · 16/09/2020 14:33

It's definitely not cute when boys do it. I would have been quite upset when I was an insecure teenager and some boy told me I'm ugly and need beauty treatments.

And what are those men like in relationships then? I mean, they can't suddenly start treating their partners nicely, can they? They will also need to erode their confidence and tell them they could not even find anybody better. That they should be thankful the man is willing to date someone who's just 5 out of 10. Lovely.

browneyes77 · 16/09/2020 14:43

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

"Men don’t do this.

BOYS do.

May have been cute when we were 14, but I wouldn’t expect a mature man to behave like this. It screams lack of emotional intelligence and childishness to me. Completely off putting."

Unfortunately the evidence of this thread alone proves that some people still encourage the notion that 'being mean' is how a man shows he fancies you, @browneyes77.

And, to be honest, I don't think it is cute even in a child or teenager.

I think you miss my point.

My point is that a mature man wouldn’t do this. Because it’s childish.

This is only something an immature man would do. And nobody wants an immature man.

Brainwave89 · 16/09/2020 14:43

So as is always the case I would have a chat with him first and make it clear that these comments are unacceptable. If you can I would point to a HR policy where this kind of comment is noted as unacceptable. If you hear anything like this again go to HR or your line manager. I have seen this comment often used to undermine, hurt and intimidate. In different times the bullies that use this tactic would say it was only a joke or "banter". it simply isn't and I would advise you do not tolerate this behaviour.

PuddyMuddles4 · 16/09/2020 14:55

PuddyMuddles4

You could always stare pointedly at his 'bulge' (or lack thereof) and softly chuckle to yourself. Preferably with no witnesses.

She’s 16. And she’s left the job now. Please don’t give advice you wouldn’t take as a grown women let alone as a 26yo.

Oh for heaven's sakes - it was a joke!!!!

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 16/09/2020 16:12

@ allnothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut brilliant retort. Please practice this OP out loud and on your own and then say it with confidence next time. Remember. It is not you IT IS HIM being a "knob" (best word I can think of) I've had boys/men undermining me a lot in life, with me responding that their beliefs is mine. The fact is the person who has said this is low in self esteem and has probably got a tiny penis. If he didn't he wouldn't be trying to belittle and undermine you. He is acting like a 10 year old boy.

Does he look like David Gandy (M&S underwear model) does he dress like David Beckham, has he got the charisma of Richard Branson. I seriously doubt it!! Just reflect it back to him, as with any insults, "have you looked in the mirror lately" plant that seed of doubt in his mind and see how he likes it. Job done. xx

billy1966 · 16/09/2020 16:57

Definitely DO NOT respond with similarly inappropriate remarks.🙄

He is uncouth and why would you want to stoop to that level.

This would not be tolerated in a most professional environments.

Hard actually to believe that he has felt so comfortable doing this.

Either tell him stop now or you are going to report his harassment of you, OR email HR with examples and a request for support.

It is appalling behaviour. Flowers

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/09/2020 17:10

@browneyes77 - I did get your point about it being immature for a man to do this, and how unattractive that is, in a man. My points were that this thread seems to show that some people still subscribe to the “he’s being mean because he fancies you” theory, and don’t seem to see it as immature or unattractive.

And you said it may have been cute “ when we were 14” - but I don’t think it is cute at any age, because when we show or tell children that it is cute behaviour in children or teenagers, we are conditioning the boys to think it is acceptable behaviour and a good way to show a girl you like her, and conditioning the girls to accept it as a way of showing affection.

browneyes77 · 16/09/2020 18:00

[quote SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]@browneyes77 - I did get your point about it being immature for a man to do this, and how unattractive that is, in a man. My points were that this thread seems to show that some people still subscribe to the “he’s being mean because he fancies you” theory, and don’t seem to see it as immature or unattractive.

And you said it may have been cute “ when we were 14” - but I don’t think it is cute at any age, because when we show or tell children that it is cute behaviour in children or teenagers, we are conditioning the boys to think it is acceptable behaviour and a good way to show a girl you like her, and conditioning the girls to accept it as a way of showing affection.[/quote]
Oh yes I agree. It seems some men still behave this way and think it’s acceptable. Probably the same ones that did it at school!

And I’m not specifically saying that the actual things that were said to the OP would’ve been considered cute at 14 years old, more just implying that back when I was a teenager (back in the 90’s!) if boys were a bit mean to you, it wasn’t seen as something ‘awful’ back then, more just a boy being all awkward and not knowing how to approach girls etc

Magazines like Just Seventeen (showing my age here Grin) perpetuated this “ah its cute really, because it just means he fancies you” stuff and pushing it in an innocent way.

These days I think we’re a much more savvy bunch and and if a magazine wrote that, women would be far more likely to call the magazine out on it and advise them to empower girls not to accept that type of behaviour.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/09/2020 18:48

Absolutely - I agree completely, @browneyes77.

Cotton55 · 16/09/2020 19:02

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

Just get up, walk over and calmly ask Do we have a problem here? Why are you trying to bully me like a silly little boy showing off for the class? Arent you supposed to be a grown man? Your comments on my looks are completely inappropriate in the workplace. Once more and I'm putting in a complaint to HR. I wouldn't be putting up with this behaviour from a twelve year old and I'm certainly not having it from you.

Say it in front of everyone and make him feel about an inch tall.

Exactly this.

Please don't let this bullying, immature AH destroy your self esteem. He should be pulled up on his incredibly inappropriate behaviour. And it's much better to do it in front of everyone as he'll feel shamed and embarrassed and rightly so.

BrandyandBabycham · 16/09/2020 19:09

I haven’t RTWT but hopefully you uncancelled your date, OP. Don’t let idiots like your colleague knock your self confidence.

StripeyDeckchair · 16/09/2020 19:30

This is appalling.
I bet he gets off on intimidating women like this.
Challenge him back "its 2020 and you need to understand that you have made a hugely inappropriate remark. Its particularly inappropriate in the work place. Dont do it again to anyone"
Draw other colleagues in if necessary.

Definitely dont let this idiot get to you so that you cancel social events.

B3ttyBoop · 16/09/2020 19:33

😢Since when was this man entitled to make negative personal comments on your appearance?! It also makes me think this man has previous form with this type of bullying. It's spiteful and smacks of power play. Keep a log, don't retaliate and have a word with HR. If you don't get results with HR, try ACAS or Citizens Advice.

lakesidefall · 16/09/2020 19:51

telling him I don’t think the comments are appropriate and he needs to stop.

You should be clear the comments aren't appropriate, it isn't you thinking that they aren't suitable it is that they just aren't suitable.

I also would also tell him this in front of others if he is doing these inappropriate comments in front of others.

Don't laugh this stuff off it is truly not on and any adult should know this.

weezypops · 17/09/2020 00:41

How has it been today, OP?