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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Comments in work

285 replies

Hellin301 · 14/09/2020 08:36

There is a man who works in my office, who started in July time. He’s mid 40’s.

We got talking for a bit last week. He made a completely random comment to me in the middle of the conversation that he would rate my looks a 5 out of 10. I was a bit hurt by his comment, but I couldn’t tell if this was just his sense of humour so I just laughed it off. Thought little else about it apart from I’d rather he didn’t comment on my looks in a work setting.

On Friday, one of the women I work with said she liked how I’d done my hair and makeup. From the back of the room he just started laughing; he was scoffing at her comment that I looked nice. This began to irritate me, given the previous comment so I just looked over and said “trust you to laugh at that.” The other man sitting next to him kind of chuckled along with him. I figured there was no point in saying that I was annoyed as it would likely just be put across that I can’t take a joke.

Later that same day we were asked if anyone could cover a Saturday overtime day. I stated I would ordinarily but I had made plans. Didn’t elaborate as to what they were. He then said to me at lunch, “are you spending your weekend getting some beauty treatments,” I told him no, that I hadn’t been back at a beauticians since before covid and he replied “well I didn’t want to say anything” & started laughing again! Basically implying I needed to go.

I had actually arranged to go on a date on Saturday, but ended up cancelling last minute because these comments had gotten to me. I don’t usually suffer from low self esteem but his comments have knocked my confidence. I can’t think of anything I’ve done on him to make him behave this way.

I’m now reluctant to be in the office with him again as I know he’ll say something else. I know if I say something to my boss he will tell me to lighten up

OP posts:
Alonley1 · 14/09/2020 10:29

I would confront about this and nip it in the bud . He is a bully .

HexagonsHecateAndHecuba · 14/09/2020 10:30

Passive aggressively leave a copy of "Women don't owe you pretty" on his desk and suggest he educates himself and stops making wholly inappropriate comments in the workplace.

Seriously, there has been some good advice like authoritatively telling him to stop as personal comments are inappropriate and advising him you will take further action if it continues. Record the dates, times and comments (with any witnesses) as well, so if you need to escalate you have evidence.

Don't let one pathetic individual stop you having fun.

Coldcough · 14/09/2020 10:31

You document it all and take it to HR. The next comment he makes, tell him you are doing do. Dint put up with this shit in the workplace. I can't believe anyone still thinks they can get away with this in 2020. What an absolute dick.

VodselForDinner · 14/09/2020 10:32

@Bluntness100

He’s a nasty bully. You need to fight fire with fire. Don’t go running to your boss, just the next time he says something snigger back and say something like “says the man who looks like he doesn’t know what grooming is” . Just keep returning it. He will soon stop.
This is really shit advice. Do not do this. Do not engage. Do not engage in “banter”.

Speak to management or HR, if your company has a HR department. Make a note of his comments, with times and dates.

If you’re asked how you’d like manager/HR to progress, please don’t do anything less than formalise a complaint. So many women go down the route of speaking up and then saying “well, I actually don’t want to make a formal complaint, I just want to get it off my chest”. Which pretty much means there’s a big risk that nothing will happen as you’re asking someone to investigate a complaint without crucial evidence or input from you.

VeganCow · 14/09/2020 10:35

Next time he says anything even remotely personal, I would say in front of someone else "right thats it. I decided after the last comment, and there have been many from you, that I would document every single one and report you. You've had your last chance, that's it"

Chickenfingers · 14/09/2020 10:38

@Jayaywhynot

I'd definitely pull him up on it, dont lose your cool, be polite but firm and pull him up in front of people. " Your comments on my looks are inappropriate and unprofessional in the workplace, I dont appreciate them and you need to stop" Prepare yourself for some heckling or a smart arse comment from him. Then reply " Iv asked you politely to stop, if you continue then I will raise the issue further" Then grey rock him. Be prepared to take it further, you dint have to put up with this
This. What a man child.
Sheknowsaboutme · 14/09/2020 10:38

I’d be straight to HR. No messing. You have the witnesses.

RedHelenB · 14/09/2020 10:40

Why I
On earth would you cancel your date? I think I must be unusual amongst women as I really couldn't care less about how I look or how others perceive my looks to be. He's an immature idiot, dont respond. I bet he's no more than 5/10 in the looks department himself!!

HelpOrHindrance · 14/09/2020 10:41

Follow The Female Lead on Instagram Its very empowering

dontdisturbmenow · 14/09/2020 10:42

You need to show assertiveness OP. Either you tell him that he needs to stop these comments because they are not professional and you expect respect at work, and will need to report if it continues or throw it back at him, tell him that what you do during your weekends is none of his concerns but that if looks matter do much to him, maybe you could give him the game of your beauty parlour.

Whatever you go for, do not laugh at his comments. This is telling him that it's ok when it isn't, and please don't give what he says. He most likely fancies you, he wouldn't dare saying what he said if it was what he really believed.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 14/09/2020 10:44

Some good advice here, some shit. This happened to me in a former job and I asked the bully to explain what he meant, then kept asking him until it was obvious he was feeling really uncomfortable. It's essentially calling him out. I'd also do it in front of others. If there's any further issues, don't piss about with "banter" go directly to your manager and tell them to deal with it.

What a shithead he is Thanks

MsStillwell · 14/09/2020 10:47

Do you mind me asking how old you are? This is the kind of shit I put up with as a teenager because I didn't know how to handle it. It makes me so angry that women have to learn this stuff.

diddl · 14/09/2020 10:49

How sad that you cancelled your date or think that you've done anything to provoke this.

He's a bully.

Don't waste time twisting yourself into knots!

asIlayfrying · 14/09/2020 10:51

I agree with others - don't try and engaged directly with him.

He's bullying, harrassing and being sexist.

You shouldn't have to put up with that at work.

Think of the best way to report/seek advice and do that.

blanchmange50 · 14/09/2020 10:51

he is a bully and you need to put a stop to it as it is now affecting you outside of work. Folks like him need to be told to cut it out

Florencex · 14/09/2020 10:53

I also would not pull him up or try to engage with him. I definitely would not engage in tit for tat because if you do end up going to HR he will be able to say it was just banter and produce witnesses.

I would go straight to either HR or his manager and ask them to deal with it.

Greydove28 · 14/09/2020 10:58

The first thing that sprang to my mind OP is that he could fancy you!! And doing all the negging

tantamountto · 14/09/2020 10:58

I dont think it borders on sexual harassment. I think it already is sexual harassment. Make a note of what he says to you, in case it's needed. But try and deal with it informally initially.

Pr1mr0se · 14/09/2020 10:59

That sounds awful. StatementKnickers is right though - what's it to him what you look like?

There is no way you should have to put up with personal comments like this at work (or anywhere).

Do you have any (female) colleague/ friends you can talk to about this to give you some moral support at work perhaps. Obviously raise it with HR/ your boss etc. You may find it's not a surprise to them, it could be that he does this a lot or has history of doing this sort of thing too.

Hope you are able to rearrange your date Flowers

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 14/09/2020 11:00

Totally agree, do not descend to his level and engage in banter. It totally undermines you as well as makes you a hypocrite.

Plenty of good responses above, along the lines of 'your repeated comments about my appearance are inappropriate and I am making note of them'.

Then go to HR and your manager. You don't have to put up with this sort of shit, and you do have the right to good management & support in the workplace.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/09/2020 11:09

@Shopgirl1

He is an idiot, ignore him.
Definitely don't ignore him, pull him up on it, how dare he. I'm surprised no one else said anything to him when he made those comments.
deathswiftlyfollows · 14/09/2020 11:09

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut has the perfect response x

Veryverycalmnow · 14/09/2020 11:09

What a pathetic bell end this man sounds.
Definitely put him in his place

Kit19 · 14/09/2020 11:09

Definite Negging - google it OP, it’s a classic PUA tactic

Report the arsewipe to your line manager

SlothMama · 14/09/2020 11:10

He sounds like a pathetic little man, I'd report his comments to HR or your boss. It's not appropriate to rate your colleagues on their looks or make comment on it.