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AIBU?

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Original poster

Comments in work

285 replies

Hellin301 · 14/09/2020 08:36

There is a man who works in my office, who started in July time. He’s mid 40’s.

We got talking for a bit last week. He made a completely random comment to me in the middle of the conversation that he would rate my looks a 5 out of 10. I was a bit hurt by his comment, but I couldn’t tell if this was just his sense of humour so I just laughed it off. Thought little else about it apart from I’d rather he didn’t comment on my looks in a work setting.

On Friday, one of the women I work with said she liked how I’d done my hair and makeup. From the back of the room he just started laughing; he was scoffing at her comment that I looked nice. This began to irritate me, given the previous comment so I just looked over and said “trust you to laugh at that.” The other man sitting next to him kind of chuckled along with him. I figured there was no point in saying that I was annoyed as it would likely just be put across that I can’t take a joke.

Later that same day we were asked if anyone could cover a Saturday overtime day. I stated I would ordinarily but I had made plans. Didn’t elaborate as to what they were. He then said to me at lunch, “are you spending your weekend getting some beauty treatments,” I told him no, that I hadn’t been back at a beauticians since before covid and he replied “well I didn’t want to say anything” & started laughing again! Basically implying I needed to go.

I had actually arranged to go on a date on Saturday, but ended up cancelling last minute because these comments had gotten to me. I don’t usually suffer from low self esteem but his comments have knocked my confidence. I can’t think of anything I’ve done on him to make him behave this way.

I’m now reluctant to be in the office with him again as I know he’ll say something else. I know if I say something to my boss he will tell me to lighten up

OP posts:
qwertypie · 14/09/2020 12:17

@StatementKnickers

Also, I fucking hate men like this. Why does he think you care how he rates your appearance? You are not in this world to decorate it for wankers like him.
This
simitra · 14/09/2020 12:19

The posters who say this is harassment/bullying are correct. Harassment is ANY form of repeated behaviour which is calculated to lower the self esteem or confidence of another. It can also be very subtle and can come "disguised" as humour or banter. Sometimes the bully does not realize that their behaviour is, in effect, bullying because they lack empathy and social skills. I have worked with people like this.

It needs to be nipped in the bud and highlighted for what it is, an unprofessional habit which is inappropriate to the workplace. Do not engage in counter insults or name calling if you choose to highlight it before seeing HR. Be cool, brisk and professional in drawing attention to the fact that you find it unacceptable and will take the matter further if repeated.

CoronaBollox · 14/09/2020 12:29

The best way to deal with pig men like this is to ask them to explain what they mean (works with "flirty banter") too. You will find that most men once they actually have to explain they are being nasty fucking bullies, they get quite sheepish. So dumb it down next time...

If he laughs at a colleague complimenting you ask did you miss the joke, when he says ohhh nothing then ask again "oh I'm so confused she said my hair looked nice and you started laughing, did I miss something" by then people will be watching him for his reaction. Very rarely do they say in the example you gave"I laughed because it's not true and I'm implying you're ugly".

Dont let it knock your confidence, I can guarantee it wont be as fragile as his masculinity.

YoBeaches · 14/09/2020 12:30

Just go to HR. He's the problem, not you. Stand up for yourself and follow the protocol. It's not acceptable, don't let it be so.

I can guarantee he has a history of this, if not worse.

CoronaBollox · 14/09/2020 12:31

Sorry that's the second best way, the first best way is to call him out on it call him a bell end but I understand it's not as easy as that sometimes.

Silentplikebath · 14/09/2020 12:35

If your boss won’t take this sexist bullying seriously, do you have an HR person or someone more senior than your boss? Most managers would be very concerned about potential sex discrimination and bullying caused by a new member of staff. You need to report this scummy man to the right person who will deal with it properly.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 14/09/2020 12:37

Echoing PP - start documenting this, keep a diary with dates times details of what happened, it is sexist bullying, make your manager and HR aware. That sort of behaviour is not acceptable in the modern workplace.

RepeatSwan · 14/09/2020 12:40

@Sanitisethat

That is wildly inappropriate - it’s mad that he has got this far through his career with such totally unprofessional behaviour.

You don’t have to ‘take a joke’, OP. Your workplace isn’t a comedy club. It’s not your job to feel shit in order to save the person making you feel shit from being uncomfortable.

If you have an HR department, report his comments to them. If you don’t, tell your boss.

This. At my work he would have to have this dealt with formally as it is an allegation of (sexual) harassment.

I would ask your manager, in writing, to make this stop.

Chickychickydodah · 14/09/2020 12:41

Tell him to fuck off, he’s twat, next time he says anything just imagine he’s got a micro penis and that’s why he has issues 🤣🤣🤣

CrotchetyQuaver · 14/09/2020 12:41

Isn't this that "negging" people talk about?
I'd call him out on it in front of everyone next time he does it. Your appearance has nothing to do with how capable you are of doing your job.
Presumably he's not especially good looking himself.
It's very rude of him, especially in a workplace it could be construed as harassment. These comments are deeply personal.
I know you could just tell him to fuck off and mind his own business, but really he's old enough to know better and I'd report to HR every time he does it and let them deal with him. Do you have HR? I'd certainly start keeping a log of it. Does he do it to anyone else?

Marimaur · 14/09/2020 12:42

He's outright nasty and mean.
Or
He's negging you/thinks he's being playful.

Either way he's a twat.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/09/2020 12:43

Do you really think your Boss would tell you to lighten up though? The guy is basically calling you unattractive (whether it be in a jokey way or not) You might be surprised

JenniferSantoro · 14/09/2020 12:43

@Rossita

“ I figured there was no point in saying that I was annoyed as it would likely just be put across that I can’t take a joke. ”

As women we have been socially conditioned to react like this. He is insulting you but you are more worried that he will perceive you as being unable to take a joke. He is behaving unprofessionally, please don’t accept this, stand up for yourself and take further action if necessary.

This is in no way blaming you btw.

This in spades.
RiotAndAlarum · 14/09/2020 12:56

Remind him that he's new. Does he really want first impressions of him to be that he is unprofessional, has no boundaries, and won't work with women?

roarfeckingroarr · 14/09/2020 13:03

If you did that in my workplace (large company, proper HR), you would be straight into disciplinary and rightly so.

MrsPeacockDidIt · 14/09/2020 13:07

This isn't just twatty behaviour but unprofessional too. I would have one short sentence ready to go with whenever he does this. As some others have said I would avoid saying anything about his appearance as it just brings you down to his level and he'll likely escalate the comments. I would probably go with:
"if I cared about what you thought I'd have asked for your opinion"

CamomileCream · 14/09/2020 14:02

He's trying to establish dominance over you for some reason, trying to take you down a peg or two

While you're deciding what to do, write some notes about the incidences so far as PP have suggested. Otherwise you'll start to forget and downplay things in your own mind

MadameBlobby · 14/09/2020 14:03

@Trisolaris

This is sexist bullying. You don’t have to ‘lighten up’, he needs to stop. If you get nowhere with your boss, speak to HR.
This
Crankley · 14/09/2020 14:16

OP, you mustn't allow his comments to affect you. He's an arsehole, why would you even consider letting him make you feel bad?

There are methods to deal with negativity and if you want to know what I do, I would be happy to explain if you PM me.

If you do nothing else, the next time he says something, look him up and down and say 'how very fortunate it is that I don't give a fuck what you think' then smile. If you give the slightest hint of being upset, then he's got what he wanted.

tangledhair · 14/09/2020 16:13

I can't stand idiots like him, what the hell is wrong with them. For some reason known to their stupid brains it seems to be about putting women down for a pathetic kick, a boost because they are ineffectual in some way.

Met some myself recently due to some work I'm doing which has gone well yet a couple of these losers made nasty quips, its horrible and does play on your mind. OP stay strong, you are cool, calm and superior to the idiot in every way.

Kolsch · 14/09/2020 16:27

Just reply ' do you ever have anything intelligent to say, or is intelligence not your forte? '
Then to your other colleague ' anyway Jane, as we were saying......'

Make notes and report to HR too.

Soozikinzii · 14/09/2020 16:29

Just say inappropriate loudly next time he does it . As others have said don't banter back or he'll just say it was a two way thing. If that doesn't stop it then report him .

Elwynne · 14/09/2020 16:38

Next time he does this you need to say very loudly in front of everyone, "do you think your comment was appropriate? I do not and am telling you to stop and if you dont, we will have a little meeting with hr because sexual harassment and bullying do not belong in the workplace." He might be a prick behind your back but it will stop in your presence and will help other women. It will also define your boundaries, which I'd very important when dealing with idiots.

MsStillwell · 14/09/2020 17:21

Just reply ' do you ever have anything intelligent to say, or is intelligence not your forte?

I’m another advising against this kind of retort. He’ll either see it as complicity in “banter” or will twist it against you. Responses such as this are very much tailored to the individual and it’s easy to get them wrong.

Cargill · 14/09/2020 19:39

The phrase 'That says more about you than it does about me' can be said in any number of ways - bored/dismissive, ironic/humorous, surprised, indignant, disappointed, etc. Could you emphasize the weird and creepy aspects to his comments- it might discourage the sniggering at 'lads bantz', and make others see things in a different light, while not giving him the satisfaction of seeing he's upset you in the way he intended. I don't suppose he wants to be seen as a weird creep. He sounds horrible- hope it gets sorted soon.