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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell his wife....

694 replies

rachielou10 · 12/09/2020 09:54

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

OP posts:
LEELULUMPKIN · 12/09/2020 09:56

I would. If it was me I would want to know.

KeepingPlain · 12/09/2020 09:57

Ugh what a sleaze her husband is. I'd tell her but be prepared for the fact she may not believe you unfortunately. And he's had time to think of something convincing now, or tell her something that will make her doubt you.

Original poster
rachielou10 · 12/09/2020 09:58

@KeepingPlain

Ugh what a sleaze her husband is. I'd tell her but be prepared for the fact she may not believe you unfortunately. And he's had time to think of something convincing now, or tell her something that will make her doubt you.
@KeepingPlain

This is a good point! If not thought of that!

OP posts:
Irelate · 12/09/2020 09:58

Nightmare situation - I feel sorry for you.
I'd tell her.

D4rwin · 12/09/2020 09:59

Yup. I would raise it.

FruitLoopyLoo · 12/09/2020 09:59

Oh that's a hard one.

If I were the wife I'd definitely want to know.

But if I were you I'd be concerned about it causing issues in my job. Could you potentially lose it?

I don't know. My first thought was YES TELL HER but thinking about it, if it's going to have negative consequences for you, that's something I'd have to consider.

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 12/09/2020 10:01

No

She isn’t a close friend you will not be helping her pick up the pieces

And really you want to go round acting like the morality police

YouJustDoYou · 12/09/2020 10:01

I wish someone would've told me. They all left me in the dark though, and it took me two more years of both not knowing and it severely affecting my mental health and also being subjected to possible STIs from dh. If I'd been told, It would've saves me my health and mind being shot to pieces.

Whattodotho · 12/09/2020 10:01

You have to tell her and then it's up to her. You could do it from a different number or something like that. So at least she knows and just say where and when so that maybe she can check bank statements etc

I wouldn't make it clear its from you but think she should know.

Original poster
rachielou10 · 12/09/2020 10:02

@FruitLoopyLoo

Oh that's a hard one.

If I were the wife I'd definitely want to know.

But if I were you I'd be concerned about it causing issues in my job. Could you potentially lose it?

I don't know. My first thought was YES TELL HER but thinking about it, if it's going to have negative consequences for you, that's something I'd have to consider.

@FruitLoopyLoo

I mean, I just don't know.

Neither of them are my boss. We all work in the same office but different areas of work.

I'm not really sure how it could affect my actual job or the safety of my position etc.

But I do think it could potentially cause friction at work.

Could Tom or Jess possibly make a grievance against me?

OP posts:
happyjack12 · 12/09/2020 10:03

if you've not been in touch with the wife 5/6 months, how do you know she is still with Tom? they may have split up?
I'd have a word with Tom or Jess first.
You don't want backlash that may affect your work environment.

FizzyPink · 12/09/2020 10:04

Are you 100% he’s still with the wife? Could they have separated in the time since you last spoke to her?

Original poster
rachielou10 · 12/09/2020 10:04

@ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN

*She isn’t a close friend you will not be helping her pick up the pieces

And really you want to go round acting like the morality police*

Yes, I have considered this and how much it will hurt her / ruin her life.

But this could be going on for a long time yet and I just can't help but feel she has the right to know.

I really wish I hadn't seen them! Sad

OP posts:
Whattodotho · 12/09/2020 10:05

If people round the office have found out or are suspicious surely it won't be so clear its from you now being 5 to 6 months since you last spoke to her. She must have fb or something I think you can do it so you don't have guilt of knowing anymore and being involved

Irelate · 12/09/2020 10:05

For many women, their greatest fear is that their husband is having an affair that everyone else knows about except them.

lotoslove · 12/09/2020 10:05

I'd keep out of it. It's none of your business.

Curiosity101 · 12/09/2020 10:05

Do we know that Tom and his wife are still together? And that they don't have an open relationship?

I'd probably steer well clear unless you plan to pick up a friendship with her in the future. If you became close friends in the future then this would always be that 'secret' that you'd kept from her.

If you wanted to be friends with her I'd probably just get in touch with something like.

"How are you doing? I can't believe it's already been 6 months since we last spoke? How's the family?"

That should hopefully tell you pretty quickly what her status is and whether you should tell her.

SerenDippitty · 12/09/2020 10:06

Tough one. If she was a close friend I’d tell her. But you don’t really know her. It could backfire.

20viona · 12/09/2020 10:06

It's hard. Maybe find a way of telling her anonymously. I wouldn't want to be caught in the middle.

Original poster
rachielou10 · 12/09/2020 10:06

Are you 100% he’s still with the wife? Could they have separated in the time since you last spoke to her?

I have stalked him on social media, his profile picture is of him, his wife and their son.

It was added recently so I'm pretty sure they are although I can't be 100% certain.

OP posts:
QueenofAsgard · 12/09/2020 10:06

I wouldn't do anything that might cause problems with my employment.

eatsleepread · 12/09/2020 10:07

I would do it.

Hahaha88 · 12/09/2020 10:08

I'd tell him to tell her or you will

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/09/2020 10:09

Could Tom or Jess possibly make a grievance against me?

Yes, they could. Someone I used to work with narrowly avoided the sack for something similar. What if the wife turned up at Jess’s house and lamped her one? Jess could say you’d made unfounded claims against her that put her at personal risk.

Stay well, well out of it.

Potterpotterpotter · 12/09/2020 10:11

Just tell the wife. Treat her how you would want to be treated.

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