To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

I told my dodgy 'ex's' wife what he was like and as far as I know she didn't do anything, didn't confront him at all. But at least she knows now if she didn't already.

Ime the ones who tell often come of the worst.

You could just say casually that you saw DH&X at a business meeting & leave her to work it out.

You could drop into conversation that you saw him at the hotel and see how she responds. She might already have a gut feeling and no evidence.

Good friend - yes. Someone I'd met once- no. Getting involved in personal dramas of work colleagues- no way.

I wouldn’t say anything unless the people involved are very close to me. I could then make the call will I be able to support them, is this the right time, do they both turn a blind eye

I don’t go round meddling in other people’s it’s not my role in life to make sure people don’t have sex with anyone else but their partner

Honestly it doesn’t matter she’s not your best friend. I’d tell her. Women should look out for each other.

I'm shocked by how many people are willing to stand by and not say anything. This is the reason why these disgusting men and women get away with hurting so many people as the majority seem to keep silent.

That's crap, plenty of people have suspicions about their partner but don't want to know or be forced to confront it. Plenty do know but turn a blind eye. Plenty do not know but want to try again & the teller is just a reminder of a situation that they don't want to be reminded of.

I'd mind your own business

I'd tell her. So many times I've had someone tell me they saw someone having an affair and I havent felt like I could tell anyone because I didnt see it with my own eyes.

If i saw first hand the partner of someone i really liked cheating i would tell them

Yes tell her.
I would want to know.
Sadly, the wife is often the last one to find out

Stay out of it. They are adults and can conduct their private lives without any interference from you. They got themselves into this mess, they can get themselves out. Not every relationship is destined to continue forever - Tom and Jess may be better as a pair than Tom and his wife. I say this as someone married 30 years but with sets of friends who split and remarried after affairs and were actually all much better off with other people as a result.

Absolutely do not tell her
Unless you want to loose your job ,or find him making trouble for you at work

I’d be more likely to confront Tom and Jess and ask if his wife knows?Or ask when he split with his wife, as you plan to meet up or whatever and don’t want to put your foot in it.

I’d message along the lines of being so long for the lunch we spoke about. I saw Tom at the Dorchester on Friday evening having dinner and it reminded me of you. Let me know if you want to catch up etc

It’s just enough information without blurting it out in one go.

I'd tell her. I'd want to know if my DH was cheating on me and everyone he worked with knew about it. Even if it turns out they have an open marriage, and she's fully aware, it's better to tell her than to keep quiet.

If it were my husband cheating I would definitely want to know.

I would tell her anonymously, but then again I am a coward when it comes to confrontation related to work. Throw away social media account or something. She may or may not believe it, but that is up to her.

This is also good - “I’d message along the lines of being so long for the lunch we spoke about. I saw Tom at the Dorchester on Friday evening having dinner and it reminded me of you“ the only thing is maybe he did tell the wife where he was going, but not who who with and that could lead to awkward questions? What a horrible situation. I’m sure everyone in the work place already knows “Tom & Jess” are at it!

Stay out of it. It is a horrible situation but it is absolutely none of your business.
I've used this phrase on another (similar) thread: Not your circus. Not your monkeys.

I would steer clear of getting involved TBH. You are not close friends with his wife ,and so its not really your problem as such! "Tom and Jess" are at fault here not you .Lots of people may think the wife has a right to know ,but often they suspect something deep down and choose to ignore it .you just dont know really.I would forget all about it and realise not your circus not your monkeys!,

I was in a similar posit years ago. One of the directors was having an affair. Something everyone in the office knew. I didn't know his wife well but hated taking her calls when she occasionally rang asking to speak to him. Sometimes when she called I knew he was out with OW. All I could say was he wasn't there and took a message. I don't know what happened as I moved jobs but I still occasionally remember 25 years later and feel bad about it. I never considered saying anything as I wanted to protect my job but
after 25 years I still sometimes feel a bit bad about it as I myself was cheated on by xh .

I think affairs have a great deal of fallout for everyone around them, even casual acquaintances. I really resented being made to feel guilty about something completely not of my doing.

I don't think you should say anything op as I don't think you know the wife well enough. It stinks though I agree.

JalopenoDave Sorry cross posted I think!

She’ll shoot the messenger. I’d stay well out of it if I were you. No good ever comes of interfering in other people’s marriages.

If I felt I had to tell the DW , I’d do it anonymously in this case because she’s only an acquaintance to you. I definitely would not say anything about Chester and being seen having dinner, the cheating husband will soon work that out and possibly make trouble for you at work. Keep it basic-‘your husband is having an affair with Jess’.
If you were to text but put 141 -in front, does it appear anonymously on the recipient’s phone? Maybe a false FB profile?
Is your line manager someone you could confide in at work?
If you don’t feel you can do this, maybe speak privately to Tom at work about what an uncomfortable, difficult position he’s put you in. Hopefully, that will be enough to make him be straight with his wife.
Tom sounds shameless though, so maybe not...

it's none of your business.

Tom is probably very worried now and I'd leave it at that.

If he is so confident to dine with another woman in public he's either stupid , wants to be seen , or doesn't give a fuck.

Are you sure Tom and Jess are having an affair ? Maybe they are just good friends outside of work and his wife knows , if this is the case then nothing to hide