To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

@U2HasTheEdge fair enough totally respect that you feel differentlyto me, we don't have to agree on this. I will never understand how anyone with a conscience could not give it another thought and you feel the opposite so I guess there is no more discussion between us on this.

@VinylDetective to be fair to the OP, she didn't stick her nose in. The husband was with his bit on the side in front of her face. Also she was just asking peoples opinions about whether she should say anything or not. I can't see how her thinking that is such an awful thing. I dont think it's the height of arrogance, surely it depends on the specific circuit, if your best friend saw your husband in a hotel with another woman, would she meddling if she told you? I find the thought mortifying that everyone may know DH was having an affair except me. We are all different though and that's fine. The OP has asked what the right thing is to do. Of she was arrogant she would have just told her with no thought for anyone else.

if your best friend saw your husband in a hotel with another woman, would she meddling if she told you?

Very integral to this particular situation is the fact that OP hardly knows any of these people.

'Very integral to this particular situation is the fact that OP hardly knows any of these people.'

Yes and if you read my comments I have acknowledged that.

sorry that should read 'my previous comments'

@WitchesNStuff

'Very integral to this particular situation is the fact that OP hardly knows any of these people.'

Yes and if you read my comments I have acknowledged that.

I know, but by drawing a comparison, and together with your previous posts, I don't think you appreciate it fully.

@WitchesNStuff, I was taking issue with your “no decent person” comment. It would never occur to me to interfere. According to you that means I’m not a decent person.

So, to add to the wannabe private investigators on this thread who would pose as jess to get a copy of the hotel invoice/buy a burner phone/get a selfie with Tom and Jess in the background, it also seems apparent that those who wouldn’t tell are not decent people and devoid of morals and probably having affairs themselves....

This thread should come up on one of those “the most batshit responses on a thread ever” discussions which crop up from time to time. .

@VinylDetective I still find it hard to believe that that a decent person would not weigh up the situation even briefly and make a decision based on that. It seems so mechanical to me. The fact that it is not a close friend, she doesnt know the full story and it could cause work issues suggests IMO it is not right to say anything. If it was my best friend who I know would want to know then I would tell them, if it was a friend who knows their husband has cheated numerous times and still stays with him then I probably wouldnt. All 3 scenarios I would think about and potentially take different action.

We don't have to agree, its fine, that's what these discussions are for. We do however both agree the OP shouldn't say anything though.

@ShebaShimmyShake I absolutely do understand , I was just responding to posters who basically have said you should never butt into someone else's life. I was merely saying I disagreed with that. I have clearly said all along I dont think the OP should say anything in this situation.

I would tell her, how exactly I'm not sure but I would 100% want to know and I try to treat others as I wish to be treated.

It's the absolute worst that everyone is talking about it and she's in the dark.

Not sure why you're getting so many rude comments - people with something to hide maybe!

Where are all these rude comments? In 27 pages I’ve only seen a handful.

I don’t think there are any rude comments directed at the OP, more at the wannabe drama seekers who are treating this like a soap opera with their batshit suggestions.

Exactly - the kind of people who use the phrase ‘burner phone’ without irony.

I'd definitely speak to Tom first though. That way if he is cheating he can tell her.

@Theorangeorange

I would tell her, how exactly I'm not sure but I would 100% want to know and I try to treat others as I wish to be treated.

It's the absolute worst that everyone is talking about it and she's in the dark.

Not sure why you're getting so many rude comments - people with something to hide maybe!

The only comments that could be construed as even vaguely rude are directed at some of the drama queens who seem to think this is soap opera.

This is by no means “the absolute worst”. The are millions of people dealing with much worse situations than this.

I doubt most people are talking about it. We've probably discussed it more on here than anyone in real life who's actually met any of these people.

It's a common situation, though, sadly, so I'm not too surprised that a lot of people have already got fairly established views on it.

WitchesNStuff, it was your "no decent person" comment which is what posters are referring to and which you're trying to side-step.

You are essentially saying that IF somebody doesn't do exactly what you would do, they are not a decent person. That's really not your call or anybody else's and it's as disingenuous as the "I can't believe that anybody would/wouldn't..." posts.

We all make thousands of decisions, all the time, about myriad things, based on the information we have and our over experiences. Short of illegality, that's as it should be. I'd hate to live under a censorious dictatorship full of judgement and intolerance.

I am entitled to my opinion and I believe that a decent person would give at least a second thought to telling a person about their spouses cheating even if they decide not to. I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to make the same decision as me, just that I don't agree with the fact that people are so black and white and always would stay out of these situations regardless.

I don't see why it bothers people so much to have people having different levels of tolerance to them.

and you are right that it is how it should be regarding decision making, I havent disagreed with that, however that would suggest there's a decision to make whereas many posters are a sold 100% pre made decision to not say anything. Maybe I worded it too harshly, maybe I should have said I would have little respect for a person who wouldn't at least think about what to do.

@AlternativePerspective you have taken my comments out of context. I said IMO that a decent person would think about it, not necessarily tell them. I personally wouldn't say anything in the OPs particular situation. I don't thonk its me trying to cause drama here. . .

If Alternative has taken your comments out of context, she’s not the only one. How strange that several people have interpreted them in the same way.

I would try and find out if it actually was a work reason, but highly unlikely as there would be other people not just the two people who are voted as, 'Most Likely to Be Having an Affair...'

Also, if it really was a work thing, why the awkwardness? Wouldn't either of them say something like, 'oh, we're here for conference...'

Probably Tom is scared shitless that you are going to tell either his boss or his wife.

If it was me, would mention to him that you saw him, and leave it at that hoping he does the right thing.

As far as feeling you need to do the right thing, you are not really Tom's wife's friend, more of an acquaintance, so totally different than being someone's friend.

Nope, not out of context at all. You said:
Any decent person would be torn about whether to tell the wife or not IMO. Only a person with no morals or doesn't give a shit about anyone else would be 100% certain they wouldn't. it’s your assumption that those who wouldn’t have no morals. After all, “thinking” about it could just involve “wonder if I should tell the wife” and then stepping immediately away. Don’t be so disingenuous as to throw accusations around that people who wouldn’t seriously think about telling her somehow have no morals. I would seriously think about not telling her, and I have perfectly decent morals and am a decent person.

It would be just as easy to say “only a decent person would think to leave it alone, and only someone with no morals would think about letting a bomb off in the marriage of someone they don’t even know.”

@WitchesNStuff

I am entitled to my opinion and I believe that a decent person would give at least a second thought to telling a person about their spouses cheating even if they decide not to. I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to make the same decision as me, just that I don't agree with the fact that people are so black and white and always would stay out of these situations regardless.

I don't see why it bothers people so much to have people having different levels of tolerance to them.

Well, I can certainly see why, when facing a difficult dilemma, people might be a bit put out by being told that they don't have any morals if they didn't go through the same thought process as you did.

I am bowing out as you are both now being ridiculous about it all. You know full well you are splitting hairs here so I cannot be bothered to engaged further. You just do not like anyone to disagree with you.

Oh good - a flounce!