To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

You could do it from a different number or something like that.

So you’re essentially recommending a 21st Century poison pen letter?

Honestly, as you have only actually met his wife once at a work function I don't think you should tell her. If someone i barely knew contacted me out of the blue and told me my husband was with another women i dont think it would be hard for him to convince me they were mistaken.
Someone you knew better and would trust you in the face of a convincing and plausible liar (which he must be to a certain extent to carry on an affair) is a different matter and I would certainly tell but you are practically a stranger to this woman.

Definitely tell her. I'd want to know if I were her and i'd be thankful a fellow woman took the time to help me stop being made a fool.

Could you contact Tom, tell him how uncomfortable this meeting him and Jess made you and suggest he speaks to his wife prior you speaking to her?

Put the ball in his side of the court.

I found out my husband had been cheating for 4 years and wish somebody had told me.

Tell Tom either you tell your wife or I will make sure she finds out

You've only met her once.

Why are you even potentially considering inserting yourself in the centre of their drama?

I wish I had been told, however a friend took me to one side and said she wasn't comfortable with what she was seeing. I didn't listen. I should of done.☹️ So be prepared for the fact that she may not act on what you are saying. He will probably deny it too. It's a shame you did not get a photo. Could you text Jess an call her out on it, then send that as proof to wife maybe? It's a awful dilemma, but we'll done you for thinking about doing the right thing.

If you tell his wife the date and location where you saw Tom and Jess having dinner, that can hardly be seen as an unfounded claim. I’d stick to facts and let her fill in the gaps for herself.

She might know and be hoping that it will blow over. Some women live with unfaithful husbands. If that's the case, then you arecin danger of humiliating her into making a decision that she didn't want to.

Meant to add to my previous post, other than having met and got on at a work function this woman has no reason to trust you. What if Tom tells her you are disgruntled because he rejected your advances?

@Boom45

Honestly, as you have only actually met his wife once at a work function I don't think you should tell her. If someone i barely knew contacted me out of the blue and told me my husband was with another women i dont think it would be hard for him to convince me they were mistaken. Someone you knew better and would trust you in the face of a convincing and plausible liar (which he must be to a certain extent to carry on an affair) is a different matter and I would certainly tell but you are practically a stranger to this woman.

@Boom45

Oh I know... I've tried to put myself in her position.

If I were to receive a text from her, or anyone I'd only met once, telling me something about my husband, I have to admit, I don't know how much I'd believe it.

Even if I were to tell her the date, time / location, Tom could still convince his wife he was on a work business trip and I know the details as I'm his colleague!

I feel awful for saying this but as it’d make things at work difficult I don’t think I would. I can’t see it going well for you apart from feeling you’ve done the right thing.

Get a burner phone and use it anonymously text her. You don't have to mention Chester, just say that he is having an affair.

I would want to know in her shoes.

What she then does about it is on her, and there's no comeback on you.

And he could probably easily twist it to say you’ve got it wrong or you’ve got something against him and she’ll want to believe him

@FlouncerInDenial

You've only met her once.

Why are you even potentially considering inserting yourself in the centre of their drama?

@FlouncerInDenial

I know, but she's a lovely person and I just don't think anyone deserves to be treated like this.

I don't think it's necessarily my place to tell her.
I just can't stop thinking about it and I know if it were me, I would want to know.

I’d not either. Firstly their marriage is not your business and you don’t know her well enough to know if she would wish to know or not.

Secondly they both could come up with a perfectly plausible excuse.

Thirdly it could cause significant work issues for you because they will make out you’re lying and behaving maliciously. How will you prove you saw them, how will you prove they are having an affair and that your actions of interfering in a colleagues marriage was founded.

Fourthly you don’t know the fall out that will occur from saying. Is there kids involved? You don’t know if this would burn out and they’d go back to their normal marriage with her none the wiser, or if you telling would cause a split and a broken home.

Fifth, you don’t know if she already knows. And would be aghast at you telling her.

Sixth we have seen it on here many times, someone tells and many posters jump in and say can they provide proof if not it’s malicious.

Seventh. She may also be having an affair, as was the case of friends of mine, and would rather you just fuck off than get involved in their marriage.

For me, their marriage and how they manage it is their business. Because there is so much here that is unknown.

I'd want to know.
What facts you have are all things which would identify you as the witness if you tried to do it anonymously.
So your options are I suppose to meet up and talk to her or do nothing.could you speak to HR along the lines of if I saw x happen and told y would I compromise my position?
I don't think it's a case of being the morals police as a pm said,it's that the op has empathy for another person who is being ,at best,lied to.I think that makes them a pretty nice person for caring.

@SilverOtter

Get a burner phone and use it anonymously text her. You don't have to mention Chester, just say that he is having an affair.

I would want to know in her shoes.

What she then does about it is on her, and there's no comeback on you.

Honestly? If I got a text from a number I didn’t recognise saying my DH was having an affair I’d think it was some sort of joke or mistake.

@makingmammaries

If you tell his wife the date and location where you saw Tom and Jess having dinner, that can hardly be seen as an unfounded claim. I’d stick to facts and let her fill in the gaps for herself.

That approach surely is beyond reproach?

Give her the facts, and she can then chose how/whether to act on it.

It's interesting that you are feeling so uncomfortable about what you've witnessed. I'd trust that feeling and act in some way.

But you don’t know if she knows and is fine with it, you don’t know if she has done the same, you don’t know if they have split and Facebook is a pretence for family.

Get a burner phone and use it anonymously text her. You don't have to mention Chester, just say that he is having an affair

This is as ludicrous as it gets, although going to hr is a close second.

@Bluntness100

There is so much to consider isn't there, and it's definitely not just straight forward.

I really hadn't thought about how it could affect their son if I tell her. 😔

@Potterpotterpotter

Just tell the wife. Treat her how you would want to be treated.

This absolutely.

STBXH's ex best friend (also a friend of mine) - I'll call him Steve - told me. Steve suspected something untoward was happening but then STBXH told him and swore him to secrecy. Steve told me about 2-3wks after he was told, and after he'd warned STBXH that he needed to tell me the truth, or he'd tell me himself.
I'm grateful to Steve for telling me - I thought I was going mad with suspecting things and not finding much in the way of proof. Steve told me that he couldn't stand seeing me getting myself in such a tizz about things. He is also very anti-cheating, so the whole thing didn't sit well with him and he didn't want to be party to any of it. He said that he felt terrible hearing me cry when he told me, but I stressed that he wasn't the cause of me getting upset, it was all down to STBXH. He stopped talking to STBXH, but we're still friends.
When I was a lot younger, an exBF was cheating on me and I was the last to know about it. I never forgot how shit that made me feel. I know some people will shoot the messenger, but IMHO I'd rather be told.

WRT Tom/Jess, I guess you'd need to find out if Tom is still with his wife, or whether they have split? ITts a tricky one!

Is it just unfaithful husbands you would all report on or people that jump red lights, you are aware don’t pay full tax and so on.

I can’t say I’m surprised so many would so easily meddle in other people business. Countries like Saudi have morality police to make sure people behave within the moral code and they still break it. It’s part of being human

We probably would have all liked to have known before or think we would have how many would really believe a stranger. And we can’t assume we know how she will feel because of our experience