To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

But maybe they are just friends - or is that just being naive?

Could you text her saying something like

'Saw Tom out in Chester the other night and it reminded me of you...just wanted to say hi and hope you're surviving this crazy year!'

If she asks more, you can tell her but at least you've told her something (after all, maybe she knows they were out together).

It's not something I'm proud of but I've always made it clear I won't tell unless I was asked outright. Because it's always the messenger who gets shot...

Stay out of it, you have no idea what goes on in their marriage. Stop stalking him on social media, you're looking a bit obsessed and weird.

Could you not message her, see how she is then tell her you bumped into Tom in x hotel, see what her reaction is? If she's unaware you could say you weren't sure if they were still together because of Jess etc, if she knows then she may or may not want to talk about it.

I agree with texting her saying you saw Tom at X Hotel with Jess from work and it reminded you to get back in touch and arrange a meet up

Speak to Tom and say that he needs to tell his wife, assuming she doesn't know. Whilst you won't message her, if and when you cross paths you won't be hiding any secrets

Ball in his court, his choices and his consequences, you make it clear you are not looki g to stir or cause deliberate issues but you also won't be omitting or hiding anything

Carden Park? I'm jealous.

But yes, tell her. What a twat.

I’d be inclined to play a bit dumb but to get in touch with the wife along the lines of “ hi, sorry we haven’t had the chance to meet up with everything going on. I just wanted to get in touch to say that even if you and Tom have separated I’d still love to get together and am always here for a coffee and a chat xx”. Then you can be all ‘oh you’re still together ? Oh, ok, sorry I’ve clearly misunderstood a situation....’

You don't actually have any evidence of an affair. I appreciate it's suspect but you have nothing concrete to tell.

You say the wife is so lovely, but we can all be lovely at a work event. You don't actually know her.

In my view, you don't know her well enough and you only have gossip to share rather than fact.

I wouldn't because a) it isn't your business b) it could backfire, but more importantly c) she doesn't deserve to be hurt and humiliated and d) I would make the twat squirm and sweat every time I saw him.

He will be living in a constant fear of panic, and he deserves it.

I would want to know. But given that they saw you, he knows you know. So there's very little point saying anything now because he's had all the intervening time to make a cover story/start disparaging you. I don't know what I would do next but I wouldn't tell her yet, until you've got some better evidence.

I really would not contact the wife pretending to think she and Tom have separated. It could just come across as nosiness rather than genuine concern and it would be a humiliating way for to find out.

@StillCoughingandLaughing

But what is she going to say? ‘I saw two people having dinner’? Because that’s all she did see. Was it innocent? Maybe not; in face probably not. But that doesn’t matter. The OP can’t turn on the ‘The poor woman; I just couldn’t stay silent’ routine, because she doesn’t actually know anything.

Hmm perhaps it was innocent.

But it was a hotel/spa. I'm not from Chester, I'm in Wales.

It's a little suspicious they would choose a hotel, (a well hidden one) not in their town, to meet for a dinner?

My guess was that they were staying over, but we didn't see them at breakfast, however we were given time slots so it's possible we had a different sitting to them.

You don't actually have any evidence of an affair. I appreciate it's suspect but you have nothing concrete to tell.

^This^

If you had proof that's one thing but you don't.
Lots of workplace liaisons fizzle out and the participants retire happily with their original partner, I've seen it.
The deceit is awful I agree but it's too tricky, don't get involved.

I think I'd have been tempted to go up to them in the hotel 'hi Tom, hi Jess....how are you? Is this a work thing? No? Oh I'm sorry I hadn't realised you and x had split up....I must reach out to her, I haven't called her in a while, she may appreciate a girls night out.....' watch him squirm...

Stay well, well out of it.

Stay out of it.

She may have had her spidery senses tingling ages ago which is why she stayed friends with you as an insider at work. Maybe she thought better of it and didn’t want to put you in an awkward position - DO YOU want to put yourself in that position now?

Are they still together ?
Maybe they are but she was out with Dave in Liverpool when you were all in Chester ?!

Also, like PP have said, you aren’t that close to her anyway.

If it was a friend it would be a no brainer but as @MomToTwoBabas has written, she meant well and it backfired.

I think the OP is right to think long and hard about her work environment and her wish to protect it.

She could well be dealing with the fallout.

Also OP, if there was fallout in the office you could well have people looking at you and thinking "🙄..why did OP not just mind her own business".

I feel for the wife, I certainly feel for you, but I think you need to protect yourself.

Hold your powder, you may have an opportunity in the future, but the Chester spotting is potentially too damaging for you to spill about.

Many years ago in a large young company I was surrounded by affairs.

All men with young families. Sleezeballs and slappers every one of them... then playing happy families at Company night's out.

They never left their wife's side for a minute lest they got talking to some of their colleagues who were disgusted by their behaviour, both men and women.

At least op will know she passed on the information

And that will benefit her how? Other than to make her feel smug and self righteous? Only two people know what’s going on in a marriage and nobody else should meddle.

@ClementineWoolysocks

Stop stalking him on social media, you're looking a bit obsessed and weird

I can see how saying staking would make me come across as obsessed and weird.

I snooped rather than stalked, and only to see if I could see anything to confirm if he had split with his wife.

Oh, and these men always go on to other affairs.
It's NEVER a one off.

Say nothing. Its none of your business. If the dickhead husband says anything, then you should tell him what's what. Otherwise keep out of it. You'll start off with good intentions and end up with bad results. Sounds cold, but I'm drawing my conclusion from experience

At the very least contact his wife and I vote her out for drinks.....if he isn't already panickiy he will when she tells him she's going out with you. He may come clean....

@rachielou10 tell her

I really hate when people say "not your business" or "you don't know her well enough" it's definitely her business who her husband is shagging when he's going home to her and playing the doting partner.

I really wish more people in the world had a spine and some morality and stood up for what is right. We would have less women (and men) giving up their best years on some shit who has been playing away. Most women would want to know and if she doesn't then she can ignore the text.

As a PP said, you could do it anonymously through another phone number so she can choose to ignore that or respond if she wants to know more. "I believe your husband is cheating on you with Jess from work, I understand if you don't want to hear any more, but if you would like the details, please contact me back. I've sent this anonymously so you can choose to ignore if you wish"

She really, really deserves to know. She deserves better.

Also, if you felt bad at that time when you saw them bastards, why didn't you say anything to them, then? Didnt have to be confrontational but just a simple, what you guys doing here, would've sufficed.