To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

I would absolutely want to know!

What about texting saying that you’re sorry she and Tom aren’t together anymore and if she would like somebody to talk to, you’d like to meet up for a coffee. If she says ‘WTF, we haven’t split up, why would you think that’ you can say you saw Tom and Jess together in a romantic hotel so assumed that was the case.

Possibly a terrible way to approach it but a clumsy way of getting it out there somehow

I don't really have much to say, other than I'd want to know.

Could you ring Tom and say you're ready to tell her but appreciate its better coming from her so you're giving him time to come clean.

I really don't know. What an awful position to be in.

My friend received a message from a fake social media account saying her husband is having an affair with X.

Turns out he was spending 3 nights a week with another woman and her son whilst working away.

My friend would never have known otherwise. She confronted him and said I know everything get out. He ran his mouth and told her more than she knew in the first place.

Do the decent thing and tell her.

I'd like to tell her but I don't think I would.
My boss was sleeping with one of the staff someone sent his wife a letter with the details, he was very confident often talked about his lovely wife yet happily shagging his employee.
One of the lads sent her an anonymous letter she didn't believe it she thought it was malicious.

Everything Bluntness said

Of course the wife deserves to know, it's horrible for her. But it's not your role to tell her - you don't really know her, you're not a close friend / family that she can absolutely trust, and there's the work involvement.

Unless her H us utterly thick he'll have found a story to tell regarding your sighting of him to cover his ass in the eventuality that you might say something.

I would want to know. I'd hate finding out that everyone knew but me

I'd tell her what I saw.

Has Tom or Jess contacted you since? I reckon he is banking on you not telling his wife. I would email Tom and tell him he's putting you in a very difficult situation. Do not allude to telling the wife though. If he comes back with it was work related you know he's already belt fed the wife a story in case you mention it to her.

I think I would keep out of it. You met her once at a Christmas party and haven’t been in touch for six months. You don’t know her, you don’t know the basis of their relationship, maybe she is happy to turn a blind eye, maybe they both see other people, maybe there was nothing going on anyway. You are not close enough to these people to get involved.

If you’re in touch with her I’d go for the factual I saw Tom at X hotel. Then she can ask for more detail if she wants it.

@rachielou10 I like the idea that @FranklyDearIDontRiverdance put forwards.. clumsy but allows you to negate the issue of have/havent they split, and opens for further conversation too!

I’d tell her, fuck letting Tom get away with this crap. I’d maybe tell Tom to do it first though.

[quote rachielou10]@ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN

*She isn’t a close friend you will not be helping her pick up the pieces

And really you want to go round acting like the morality police*

Yes, I have considered this and how much it will hurt her / ruin her life.

But this could be going on for a long time yet and I just can't help but feel she has the right to know.

I really wish I hadn't seen them! [/quote]
Can you confront Tom?

I would tell her. Women have a right to make informed decisions about how they spend their lives (if at all possible.)

Even if she doesn't believe you, she will probably view any excuses he makes to not be home etc more skeptically and be more aware of what he's doing.

What a meddlesome busybody. They haven't committed a crime. Though you would think they have going by most of the replies on here.

You saw Tom and Jess having dinner - not shagging! They were friends before lockdown and presumably remain so after lockdown.

What are you telling the wife exactly?

They are doing the same thing they did prior to lockdown but you didn't feel the need to tell the wife then. Why is them meeting now any different to pre-lockdown?

No, nobody committed a criminal offence here, what nonsense to suggest anybody implied that.

Couldn’t you just say something like

Hey, it’s been a while, saw your husband at such and such a couple of weeks ago and thought of you. How are you, how have you been etc.

It’s then up to her to probe further for info and it’s not something you can get in trouble for at work per se.

I would tell her exactly what I had seen where and when. Then let her make her own investigations/conclusions.
I couldn't let it go

Except you thinking it makes you feel better OP what will it actually achieve? I do not think this is any of your business so I would step back and move on

Argh it is an awful situation for you but he is getting away with it because he thinks he is invincible.

I'll get slated here for being sexiest but I really think that men especially never believe anyone will call them out on it.

She deserves to know.

Sexist ... not sexiest!

I would tell the wife. However, when you do make sure you just state facts, no speculation at all. Just, I thought you ought to know, my husband and I were at XYZ and this is who we saw, is everything OK? etc.

If you stick to true facts only it is difficult to prosecute for telling the truth. If you start speculating and putting an interpretation on it, that might be different.

There may be an explanation that you don't know about but that's for the wife to sort out, not you. But I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't say anything, and if I was the wife, I would certainly want to know....

I would tell her what you know. I'm shocked by how many people are willing to stand by and not say anything. This is the reason why these disgusting men and women get away with hurting so many people as the majority seem to keep silent.

What else are you willing to keep silent about?, everyone standing by is how the world becomes a worse place