To tell his wife....

[rachielou10]

I work with a guy, We'll call him Tom.

Last year our work hosted a summer party, after some drinks, Tom was acting inappropriately with one of the girls from our office. We'll call her Jess.
None of us saw any kissing, but they were very flirty, touchy, huggy.
More than just the usual "appropriate" behaviour.

It became office gossip that Tom & Jess were "seeing" one another.
They would always be together in the canteen, they'd regularly be seen going out together in the car at lunch time, and they'd always be together at the pub for Friday night drinks.

Tom has a wife but none of us wanted to question Tom as we don't know for certain that there is anything going on between him and Jess.

December last year our work hosted a Christmas party and for the first time we were allowed to bring partners.

Tom brought his wife.

My husband and I were seated at the same table as Tom and his wife for dinner.

I got chatting to her and she's such a lovely person. At the end of the night we ended up exchanging numbers and said we should meet for lunch.
We messaged a few times in the new year but lockdown hit and we never got the chance to meet and we've not messaged now for 5/6 months.

Two weeks ago my husband and I booked an overnight break in Chester at a lovely hotel/spa.

Guess who I saw that evening whilst we were having dinner....

TOM & JESS!!!

It was the MOST uncomfortable experience.
I saw them, they saw me. Neither of us said anything.

I'm currently working form home (most of our office are) so I haven't seen either of them in person though Jess and I have exchanged a few emails.

I still have Toms wife's number and I'm wracked with guilt on whether it's my responsibility to tell her.

I haven't told any of my other colleagues about this as I don't to be the one to spread the news, although we've all had our speculation something has been going on.

I just don't know what to do.

I wish I'd never seen them there!

I mean what would he have told his wife? Work trip?

I can't stop thinking about it.

If it were me, I'd want to know.

It could cause problems for me at work if I were to tell his wife too.

I've typed a message so many times but I've yet to press send.

Help! 😔

When I was in a similar position, I told the woman's best friend. She was grateful I did it that way. I thought it less painful than a stranger.

It's none of your business. Counts double in lockdown.

I would tell her. Why not, you dont owe him any favours.

I'd message to reconnect, I've had loads of random reconnection through covid, so not unusual. If nothing else it'll put the scares on to her DH when she's says you've messaged her.

Tell Tom you saw them .... meet the wife for coffee or lunch . He may come clean thinking you will tell her.

You don’t actually know anything though do you? Seeing two people out for dinner isn’t proof they’re having an affair, and offices are generally rife with unsubstantiated gossip.

It really is none of your business, and if they aren’t having an affair you will have interfered to the degree you are going to leave the wife wondering, not trusting, doubting her own marriage... And he won’t be able to get past it because any explanation will be seen as lies. Iyswim.

If someone posted here that some random woman had told her her husband was having an affair with a colleague, and when she asked him he said they were just friends the overwhelming response would be “he’s lying. Throw him out.” And it could all be innocent.

You have no business interfering in this woman’s marriage. None at all.

I don't know if you should tell her or not, but if you do, don't be anonymous. She'll have no way of verifying the story or knowing why you said that to her, who you might be and what your motivations are, and it will mess with her head in the worst way. If you do tell her, be straight up. If you can't do that, don't tell her at all.

'Tom's' wife is an acquaintance, not a close friend, and you must be aware that bringers of bad news are rarely thanked for it.

You have to work in that place and this has the potential to get very messy. Also, you don't have a 'responsibility' to do anything. Keep your head down, say nothing, and stay out of it.

Oh god OP I'd feel exactly the same as you.

Is there any kind of scenario in which you could bring it up with Tom rather than his Wife?

The issue for me is that you saw them having dinner, it feels like a big leap to assume they are having an affair. I met an old work friend (male) for a drink this week. Slightly depressing if people saw us and assumed the worst.

Tbh I think these women who feel they should rush out to tel someone their partner is having an affair mostly do so so they can be the one who did it.

Other than e.g. a best friend who knows the woman well, any other woman has no business getting involved. It’s not an altruistic thing to do, it’s interfering in something for the satisfaction of doing so.

If the woman then goes through years of heartbreak because of it that random woman isn’t going to be there for her is she? No she’s going to be somewhere gleeful at the thought she outed the bastard.

I'd tell her

Two of my colleagues were having an affair for years (he was married, she was single). Someone sent the wife an anonymous letter and he managed to convince her he had just flirted with someone, played the whole thing down - she believed him. Two years down the line he's posting happy family pictures of them on social media and his poor wife is living in ignorance.

I think you should tell her, how you go about it is obviously up to you but as another poster said - include the dates of trip, surely that will be enough 'evidence'. Wishing you all the best.

for the satisfaction of doing so

That’s a negative angle. It’s also done to save a woman from a life with a liar. Some women actually do look out for all women, friends or not. You’re just not one of those people. Doesn’t mean you need to see sinister intent

Please, please tell her. What an awful situation to be in though. I remember when I was 23 my married boss in his late 30s made a pass at me at a party. I turned him down and somehow work was ok for a while but I became aware he was exchanging emails with tons of sexual innuendo (very obvious code for what was happening) with a ‘good friend’ of his wife’s. I met both his wife as well as this supposed friend/colleague at work functions and it made me feel sick that the poor woman was being deceived by them both. You never would have thought he would be the type to cheat either, he used to talk about his wife all the time. I often think of her and whether she ever knew. I know they are still married so imagine not.

I would actually speak to HR and ask their advice. You have concerns about your job. It will also cover you if the truth gets out as you had told HR from the start so if Tom or Jess get nasty HR will know you raised the issue first.

I'd tell her. Tell her everything that you saw, and then she can take it from there.

No, don't tell her. Speaking as someone who was cheated on (now divorced) I wouldn't necessarily have wanted to know before I found out myself. It's not really your place

newmestrongernow I doubt the wife is living in ignorance she just choose to believe what she wants to believe

maybe him having an affair wasn’t worth ending their marriage over

I'm shocked by how many people are willing to stand by and not say anything. This is the reason why these disgusting men and women get away with hurting so many people as the majority seem to keep silent.

But what is she going to say? ‘I saw two people having dinner’? Because that’s all she did see. Was it innocent? Maybe not; in face probably not. But that doesn’t matter. The OP can’t turn on the ‘The poor woman; I just couldn’t stay silent’ routine, because she doesn’t actually know anything.

I wouldnt tell her,only because I did tell the wife once about 8 years ago, shes still with him to this day and made my life hell by telling EVERYONE Including my work that I'm a spiteful liar. She even came to my work with her kids to say I'd tried to wreck her family by making up lies. Omg I would never try and help again she was mental.

I would actually speak to HR and ask their advice. You have concerns about your job

Do not do this

She caused me such severe anxiety that still effects me to this day. All when i thought I was doing her a favour.

If I felt I had to tell the DW , I’d do it anonymously in this case because she’s only an acquaintance to you. I definitely would not say anything about Chester and being seen having dinner, the cheating husband will soon work that out and possibly make trouble for you at work. Keep it basic-‘your husband is having an affair with Jess’. If you were to text but put 141 -in front, does it appear anonymously on the recipient’s phone? Maybe a false FB profile?

Or maybe she could wear a wig and dark glasses? Or use a voice changer? Or send an anonymous note asking the wife to meet her in a darkened alleyway, staying in the shadows with her face turned to the wall?

Fucking unhinged.

@VinylDetective

She’ll shoot the messenger. I’d stay well out of it if I were you. No good ever comes of interfering in other people’s marriages.

It doesn’t really matter if she chooses to shoot the messenger they aren’t friends are they.

At least op will know she passed on the information