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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have failed to prevent DC entering someone else's house uninvited?

210 replies

LavenderWashes · 11/09/2020 15:06

DS is almost 3, ASD suspected. He doesn't really respond to his name, let alone a simple sentence such as 'come here please' or 'get your shoes'.

I was locking the front door when he dashed to a neighbours house! I think he was attracted to the door because it's red and my mum's similar house door holds a swimming pool behind Blush

I was a bit annoyed with myself as I ran to collect him from the door, but before I could get there in time the woman shouted ''I'M SELF ISOLATING FOR FUCK SAKE''.

I was mortified, but my brain got stuck. I didn't know if to run after DS into the house or hope and pray he would respond to my pleas for him to come here.

He did on the second desperate attempt, follow my request and came to the door, when I grabbed him. I said '' I'm so so sorry!'' and left.

AIBU to have not prevented this? Am I right in thinking it wasn't really my fault :( He's never tried that sort of thing before.

Told my Mum who said to put a note through the door and apologise that way, so she can digest my words calmy

OP posts:
MitziK · 11/09/2020 20:41

@BillywilliamV

Neighbour horribly over reacted in my opinion, who swears like that in front of a 3yo?
One with Covid symptoms, so doesn't feel at her best right now?
PatriciaPerch · 11/09/2020 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoBestIKnow · 12/09/2020 17:30

My Dnephew was diagnosed with Asperger's and in a special school near me, miles from his parents so I used have him stay with our family at the weekend. I was startled when, aged 8 or 9, he did just what the OP's DS did - dashed into a neighbour's house and upstairs.
It's hard for OP - only just getting to know what she's in for.

Banj0girl · 12/09/2020 18:07

My son had a similar problem when he was that age. If not restrained he would just run. If I put reigns on him, he would just sit down after a few minutes and refuse to move. In the end I kept him in a pushchair until he grew out of it. When we were in the house, the door was always locked.

BensonBunny · 12/09/2020 19:01

Hi OP
My DS was extremely similar to yours at that age, he’s still non verbal at 20 but a lot easier to look after now! I kept him in the pushchair a lot of the time, and even got a bigger one when he grew out of it, but still managed to lose him a few times over the years. I learned not to beat myself up about it, easier said than done I know though. Someone mentioned going through OT to sort out a car seat which will keep him safe and I would second this. You are doing great

BabyLlamaZen · 12/09/2020 19:03

Note through the door to apologise and say your son has suspected asd

Flowers
murakamilove · 12/09/2020 19:14

Keep going with the reigns - you need to be able to use them in the future if you want to leave the house. Just keep at it.
Good luck - pop a note in neighbours door, they’ll get over it.

PastaAndPizzaPlease · 12/09/2020 19:15

What if he’d run into a house with a dog who didn’t take it well and attacked him? He could have been left with life altering injuries or dead, and the dog would have been put down through no fault of its own.

This absolutely is your fault and you need to do better. No ones saying it isn’t hard but you’re minimising a really dangerous situation.

Really you should isolate him for 14 days to be on the safe side, and apologise PROFUSELY to your neighbour.

On a side note, if the door looks like your mums, with a swimming pool behind it, is he not going to do this again? So you need to be proactive in reducing his chances.

I understand things must be very hard for you, but that doesn’t change that you’re responsible for your son.

Suleika · 12/09/2020 19:23

Having had an ASD child Whose language and understanding were significantly delayed and whose behaviour was challenging/unpredictable ( (And who looked older than his years) I utterly sympathise. Be prepared for the future - they are so impulse driven and have no common sense. I agree that it would be a good idea to put a note through the neighbour’s door apologising; explaining that your child has some issues, had never done anything like this before and that you’ll be on the alert in future. Good luck x

iolaus · 12/09/2020 19:26

@jessstan2

It wasn't your fault, such things happen. The boy was hardly going to infect the woman and she certainly had no reason to be so foul mouthed.

(He is two by the way.)

If she was self isolating it's more likely she was worried that she would infect him rather than the other way around
HappydaysArehere · 12/09/2020 19:38

Good old fashioned reins, Can’t beat them

AutumnLeavesStart · 12/09/2020 19:48

No one was in the wrong here. Kids run off, adults get a shock and accidentally swear in front of them. However if she’s self isolating your child may well have been exposed to coronavirus and you need to avoid going into shops without a mask for the next couple of weeks.

clareken260 · 12/09/2020 20:04

My DD hated reins, she flung herself onto the pavement and screamed. I put her back in the stroller. We went to Boots and bought a wrist strap. She happily accepted that, and walked beautifully. Might be an option.

Aridane · 12/09/2020 20:21

who yells for fucks sake at a 3 YO?

It’s an interjection of annoyance

Aridane · 12/09/2020 20:34

Note / Card of apology through door. Nice also offer to pick up anything for her while she’s self isolating

threatmatrix · 12/09/2020 21:12

I think you need to get over yourself, he’s 3 and quick as lightning, what normal person wouldn’t have found this amusing especially as there’s only been around 10 cases worldwide of children being infected and none of a child passing it to an adult. I would put a note through the door but only as a curtesy. Some of the comments on here are pathetic

DreamTheMoors · 12/09/2020 21:24

@LavenderWashes

I just don't know what to do. He refuses to walk if I put reins on (doesn't like walking anyway). He also throws himself back dangerously and has injured himself before if I've reasoned 'Ahh he won't let himself get hurt by being so silly!'

We still have the pram but I want to get him walking some of the time since we're in the car so much

Many years ago now, while vacationing at the Sacramento/San Joaquin River Delta in California (where the river empties into the Pacific Ocean), we were standing on the boat docks. A family walked up and their little boy (about 2-3) had a harness with a leash attached - I was appalled and said as much to my BiL. He reminded me of the depth of the water and how the little boy would sink like a rock had he fallen or jumped in. I never looked at reins or leashes the same way again.
Gancanny · 12/09/2020 22:13

there’s only been around 10 cases worldwide of children being infected

More than ten children worldwide have been infected with coronavirus, do you mean deaths rather than infections?

Happyher · 12/09/2020 22:25

My son has ASD. I had the same problem when he was a similar age. I’d turn my back for a second and he was off. He will grow out of it. He may be a bit young but when he’s engaging with you sometime try and talk to him about why he shouldn’t run off. You’re his mum and he loves you and he will start to listen and remember. It will get better. My son is now 28 and just started his first full time job. He does still have some issues but with a bit of help from me can generally manage them. Things will get better. It wasn’t your fault - you are learning how to manage him and together you’ll work things out

missnevermind · 12/09/2020 22:43

My son did this at about 2 and a half. We were running down the road to Granny's house - it was a game we would play most days and all of a sudden he ran into her neighbours house, the door had been left open. I didn't know what to do but I just ran in behind him scooped him up, apologised to the family sitting on the sofa and ran out again. I had never been so embarrassed and the family were just sitting there looking stunned.

Itsalwayshard · 12/09/2020 23:05

ASD child here too.... this is not your fault ASD are VERY unpredictable. If he can't stand reins/wrist strap does he like weighted blanket?? If so a backpack with toys etc in it and a strap on the backpack. We had one of these my DS loved the weight and it also gave us the time to prevent him from bolting.
Write a note and explain to the neighbour apologise (this will become a regular thing with an ASD child even though its not your or his fault) the neighbour might have just been worried for his safety rather than their own. Hope you find a solution soon

honeygirlz · 12/09/2020 23:25

Also don’t get why OP is being hounded for saying he’s almost 3 🙄

AIBU to have not prevented this? Am I right in thinking it wasn't really my fault sad He's never tried that sort of thing before.

It’s just one of those things, it’s the first time he did it, you’ll be on the look out for it next time.

The neighbour probably got a shock when someone burst in and overreacted.

My mum is shielding and she has got very paranoid, we aren’t even allowed to touch her with gloved hands!

HappyBumbleBee · 12/09/2020 23:41

Hi op I think this has been mentioned but have you tried the wrist strap which attaches round his wrist?
I'm sure you have tried but have you tried making a game of the holding hands - I used to tell my boys and then nieces and nephews when out and about to hold my hand tightly as I didn't want to get lost, I needed them to help me remember the way, or to squeeze my hand every time they saw a tree or cat - whoever squeezed first got to choose the next item etc x
My eldest is 26 now but when he was almost 3 he managed to open the front door and ran off down the road to a neighbor who was thankfully doing her gardening! I used a safety chain high up in the front door after that so please don't beat yourself up - accidents happen and you were right there so saw exactly where he went x
Good luck with your son's diagnosis, hopefully you'll get it official soon xx

BrummyMum1 · 13/09/2020 00:00

These things happen when you have a runner. I eventually got my 3 year old to wear a rucksack rein and it was a life saver.

Original poster
LavenderWashes · 13/09/2020 10:08

I'm sure you have tried but have you tried making a game of the holding hands - I used to tell my boys and then nieces and nephews when out and about to hold my hand tightly as I didn't want to get lost, I needed them to help me remember the way, or to squeeze my hand every time they saw a tree or cat - whoever squeezed first got to choose the next item etc

That won't work for DS because he can't understand simple sentences or words, like 'get me your cup' etc. He has no idea unfortunately Sad I so wish I could do lovely things like this with him x

OP posts: